Schooligan Nation

All Hail Big Sky Country!

2009-01-23T14:07:00.004-05:00

Truman has just informed me that HB 191 did not pass in Montana!
This ban would have allowed current pit owners to register their dogs but would have banned purchase or breeding of American Staffordshire Terriers, Staffordshire Bull Terriers, American Pit Bull Terriers, American Bull Dogs and "any dog that has been registered at any time as a pit bull terrier or has the physical characteristics that substantially conform to the standards established for the breeds listed in this subsection by the American kennel club or the united kennel club."

Truman thanks everyone who spoke out in opposition to this bill and recommends that anyone is favor of Breed Bans please check out this site.

The Golden Age of Ugly

2008-12-05T10:44:00.002-05:00

Better known as "The 1970's". Just last night, I was enjoying a latte at my neighborhood coffee shop and browsing their bizarre collection of used books. I happened to see a cookbook from what I guessed was the late 70's (1979, it turns out, a bit late for my taste, but amusing nonetheless) and absently flipped through it. In the dessert section was a recipe for fruitcake, a questionable confection at best, and an accompanying photo showed the "cake", garishly specked with red and green "fruit" surrounded by a looming corps of Corn Husk Angels.

Feel free to check out The Corn Husk Shoppe. For all your wholesome (or wholesomme?) corn husk needs. As long as you don't need more than three varieties of corn husk items.

With the temperature hovering around 30 degrees most days, I was forced to purchase some outwear for my canine statesman. Poor Truman, though he has lost the "skeletor" look he had when I first got him, he still has very short fur and .000001% body fat and therefore no ability to keep himself warm. Truman would spend most of his walks shivering and doing his best to drag me back home where he would then procede to run laps through the house in an effort to burn off excess energy without having to go outside.

I wasn't sure how he'd take to a jacket, or if I could even find one to fit him since most dog clothes are made for the tiny varieties. Luckily, I came across this dashing fleece-lined jacket! Truman wanted tweed, but was willing to compromise on the red fleece. Look, he's so snug and warm that he's not freaked out by the larger than life statue of Sigmund Freud looking at him with calculated disapproval!

As one would expect, people we encounter on our walks are universally moved to "Awwwwwwwww!" at the sight of Truman trotting happily down the street in his little jacket. An added bonus is that Truman seems less motivated to act like a jerk when he sees other dogs. I guess it's difficult to look like a tough guy in a jaunty red coat.

Predictions

2008-11-14T10:28:00.002-05:00

Now, normally, the phrase "Alt-Country Band from Brooklyn" would make me want to impale myself on a broken PBR bottle, but I love love love the Coydogs.

Just try to get this song out of your head.

Wherein our Heroine Learns That There Are An Alarming Number of People Who Have Never Eaten Tuna Casserole

2008-11-03T14:45:00.003-05:00

Yesterday evening I had plans to watch The Best TV Show Ever with my friend Tintern. I inquired whether he thought a tuna casserole would be appropriate fare for the night's activities. Imagine my surprise when I received this text message in response: I've never eaten tuna casserole.

After I recovered from my shock and picked my lower jaw up off the floor, I set to work preparing one. While my noodles were cooking, I got a phone call from my friend in Minnesota. I jokingly made reference to the tuna casserole shock I had just received and Sara confessed to me that she'd NEVER HAD IT EITHER.

So then, that got me to thinking... is Tuna Casserole really an All-American staple or did I just have a warped childhood?

I did a little research and discovered that canned tuna dates back to the early part of the century. However, the first known recipe for Tuna Casserole was published in 1941 by the Campbell's Soup Company. Apparently they developed Cream of Mushroom soup explicitly for use in Tuna Casserole. (Does anyone actually use it for soup? Or is it like Lipton's Onion Soup mix which, as far as I can tell, no one uses for anything other than dip. Or on a rare occasion, meatloaf.)

Casseroles, which refer to the dish in which they are cooked, were heavily promoted during the Depression and the Second World War as economical and nutritious meals. Later, in the 1950's they remained popular dinner options for the time-pressed housewife. The 70's brought about the advent of Hamburger (and Tuna) Helper which further streamlined the making of this popular dish.

An informal office and email poll today shows that most people seem to have grown up eating Tuna Casserole at least once, usually more often. Thank goodness.

Truman Makes Me Proud

2008-09-07T17:14:00.004-05:00

It's not easy having the most popular dog in town. I mean, what with the paparazzi following us around and snapping pictures of me with my hair all askew and the constant pleading for interviews and appearances at ribbon cuttings.

Still, every so often Truman doesn't make an ass of himself and, by default, me.

The other night I was going to meet a friend for an evening walk (hi, Mika!) and on my way over to her place, we ran into one of my neighbors. This guy is a charming older gentleman who I frequently see walking his cute, brindle Am Staff-mix. His dog is not only gorgeous but also well behaved, excepting that she doesn't like other dogs either. He and I frequently have shouted conversations with one another from opposite sides of the street while telling our dogs to "shhh. stop it. SIT! No, SIT! Good dog... shhhh. No! SIT."

Anyway, he was sans dog this time, so Truman and I stopped for a chat and he said, "He's really come a long way." I agreed and mentioned something about Truman being kind of a nightmare when I first got him. "I know", he said. Then he mentioned that he was talking to someone at 7-11 and saw me walking by on the other side of the street. The person he was with said, "See that dog? That's how I want MY dog to behave." "I told him, she's put a lot of work into that dog. He wasn't always like that. You've done a good job with him."

I was pleased as punch, and Truman wagged his tail in approval as we continued on our way.

One of my other friends had commented to me that "you hold your pets to a really high standard." Which is true, but I think it's especially important for bully owners to make sure that their dogs are shining ambassadors for the breed. No dog should be out of control or ill-mannered, but the general public tends to be a lot more forgiving of toy dogs or popular breeds. Pits definitely have a bad reputation (Thank you, Michael Vick.), and nothing makes me happier than when people meet Truman and ask what kind of a dog he is. As he is happily leaning on their legs and licking their hands, I can proudly say, "He's a pit bull!" Frequently, people are surprised and say things like, "But he's so sweet!" and it's a nice opportunity to dispell some of the negative sterotypes that surround these dogs.

And of course, his fan club continues to grow with every walk. Just yesterday, we ran into a group of kids who were so excited to find out that Truman loves sticks that they followed us on our walk and pointed out all the best looking sticks, and a waiter at Friendly's who commented "Awesome dog. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome." as we walked past the restaurant.

I'm seriously thinking about starting a fan club. I just hope Truman lets me join.

Bully for you!

2008-07-21T15:29:00.006-05:00

Life with Truman continues on at it's familiar, exhausting pace. There were a few times (like when he ate my glasses and most of a mattress) that I seriously considered rehoming him in a moment of extreme depression and financial desperadoes. I even consulted a dog behaviorist (not cheap) about his dog-on-dog issues. Turns out, he's not so much aggressive as he is a "knucklehead with no impulse control."

Since then, I've discovered several things:

1. The Gentle Leader: Head collar designed to help control Truman's frenzied lunging at other dogs. Worn in conjunction with #2

2. Hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs. The ONE FOOD I CAN'T STAND. Truman, however, will sell his soul for a hot dog. Or even just a piece of a hot dog. Or a piece of regular dog kibble that's been sitting in a sandwich baggie with a piece of hot dog.

The two of these things have really improved the quality of our walks. Instead of me sobbing and pleading and stopping every five steps to try and regain his attention, all I have to do is rustle the ziplock bag and suddenly it's OHMIGOD I'M SITTING. LOOK. LOOK. MOOOOOM! LOOK. SEE ME SIT? WHAT OTHER DOG? DID YOU SAY HOTDOG?

We're not perfect by any means, but more often than not, I can easily distract Truman from other dogs and continue on past without a scene. On some occasions, when he hears another dog bark, he will actually LOOK AT ME instead of lunging for the dog. It's like reverse clicker training! Dog bark = hot dog! Which is great, because we've tried the clicker and Truman ran and hid under a blanket and would not be convinced that CLICK = TREAT, but rather CLICK = dog eating dinosaur zombie attack imminent!

3. Swimming: Truman is so insanely athletic it scares me. I've gone from being semi-regular gym-goer/climber/yogi to
'I'm physically exhausted all the time.' I can't keep up. And if he doesn't tire out, see above re: mattress eating.

Lucky for us, Truman loves to swim! What's more, I just have to stand on the shore and chuck a tennis ball into the water and wait for him to go get it. Repeat 500 times.

Last week, I decided to take Truman for a walk in the Park. There was a concert going on and a zillion people, animals, bicycles and all manner of distractions. I thought it would be good for him to get used to a lot of different things happening around him so I armed myself with a huge quantity of chopped up hotdog bits and prepared for the worst.

Fortune smiled on us however, and it was 90+ degrees and 200% humidity (Truman tires out easily in the heat). We walked around the park without incident even though there were dogs everywhere. Truman, of course, made friends with everyone we passed, and was a perfect gentleman. We were walking by a tiny, elderly man in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank and Truman made a beeline for the man and stood next to him with his head in the man's lap. I apologized for Truman being overly friendly and but the man said that was ok, and started stroking Truman's head and telling me about his dog. We talked for a few minutes and the whole time, Truman was standing like a statue with his head in the guy's lap just being an absolute angel.

I may be jaded and unimpressed most of the time, but I have to say, Truman, I'm proud of you. Thanks, pal.

The Truman Show

2008-05-06T21:52:00.003-05:00

About a month and a half ago, I found myself adopting a dog. It was one of those instances where you are wasting time on Craig's List and are suddenly compelled to email a poster about their haunted piano. Or a pit bull.

It was a typically sad story: stray dog, saved from doggy death row at a Rhode Island shelter, needs a good home. I agreed to meet him "just to see", but knowing full well that once I had him in my house, he was not likely to be leaving.

I was prepared for the challenges of having a dog, especially one with an unknown history. What I wasn't prepared for was having a dog who is one of the "popular kids".

The very first night I had Truman (he seems like a president, or at least someone with wire rimmed glasses) I took him to PetSmart to get him a collar that fit. We were in the store about 2 minutes when one of the employees came over to tell me what a beautiful dog I had. (He IS cute, don't get me wrong.) We speculated about what breed he is, most likely pitt/boxer and who knows what else, and went to pay for our stuff. A woman waiting in line behind us also commented on how nice he was. I was surprised, but pleased. I was used to having a dog that you could barely take anywhere for fear of him causing a huge scene. Or a llama riot.

Over the past weeks, I have kind of gotten used to the attention. Not that anyone is paying any attention to me, mind you, just my dog. Everywhere we go, people stop to talk and tell me what a nice/cute/beautiful/great dog I have. And it's not just certain people, it's everyone: children, the elderly, firefighters, gangstas, used car salesmen and women in mini-vans.

I live in a decidedly urban area and "tough" looking breeds like pitts definitely appeal to a lot of people, usually for the wrong reasons, but I'm really amazed by Truman's mass appeal considering how much bad press these so-called "vicious" dogs receive. I mean, we've all seen and heard news stories about small children getting mauled by pitt bulls, heard about the horrors of illegal dog fighting and seen cities and states all across the US ban ownership of "aggressive" breeds. So, when mothers with small children ask to pet my dog, I can barely hide my surprise.

Truman is by no means perfect. He likes to chase squirrels, he doesn't always come when he's called, he gets excited when he sees/hears/smells other dogs and he totally destroys any toy not tested on wolves. But, overall, he's a good dog. I like to think that as much as I did him a favor by giving him a home, he's doing wonders for people's impressions of bully breeds and maybe giving a pitt bull in a shelter somewhere a better chance of getting adopted.

A New Old Look At Marriage

2008-01-31T21:27:00.000-05:00

On a recent trip to the Salvation Army, I stumbled upon what may, in fact, be the most amazing book ever written. The Modern Home Medical Adviser c. 1942 (known hereafter as "The Book"), offers a very interesting chapter (Ch. 5 "Sex Hygiene") on the subject of marriage and marital relations. After reading such gems as,
"Some girls have been lead to believe that they are under obligations to repay in ways that are destructive to morals and character. So long as the girl was entertaining in her own home, and furnishing lemonade or home-made fudge, she might bid her suitor begone when he made improper proposals;"

"The error that young people are so likely to make is to believe that parties, shows, elegant furniture and sport roadsters can bring more happiness than children."

And, finally:
"Great improvement in underwear has been made in recent years. Undergarments should be changed as often as one's finances will permit and should of course never be worn after they are definitely soiled."

I am totally on board. I mean, sure, I work, but only until "the time when...[I] shall be promoted to the much more important work of real home-making." I can't imagine anything better than not having to read any more college applications. And I'll have a clean house to boot!

My 30 List

2008-01-28T14:14:00.000-05:00

As in, Things to do before I turn.

At the top of the list was 'Climb 5.11a'. I have actually been somewhat serious about my climbing as of late, hitting the gym semi-regularly and both climbing smartly and cranking hard when I am there. I've been successfully climbing 5.10's, a,b and c, with a few onsights to boot. So, all in all I considered myself in pretty good shape to tick an .11 by the end of April.

Went to the gym yesterday afternoon with Forrest and warmed up on an .8+, then jumped right into some .9's and easy .10's. I was a little worried that I was going to tire myself out pretty quickly, but I felt really good and I was climbing well, so I kept on keeping on. Towards the end of the evening, Forrest belayed this MIT dude up an .11a that had just been put up. It was the perfect candidate for my first attempt: a balance-y route that lead up to a lot of stemming through a wide chimney at the top. I was feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired, so I decided to give it a go. (Also MIT dude had said that the grade was a little inflated, so I thought I might have a shot.)

About 2/3 of the way up the route, I suddenly had a thought: I'm actually going to climb this! And I did. I had a small bobble at the last move, so technically, I didn't get it clean. But I did get the move on the 2nd try. And I'll totally get it clean the next time.

Now I have absolutely no reason to turn 30. Woo hoo!

ABORT THE MISSION

2008-01-17T12:59:00.000-05:00

After day 1 of the flu/fast I was forced to partake of some orange juice. And Tylenol. In my defense I didn't eat any solid food all week until Thursday night when I made my sister go to Dairy Queen with me. I had heard about the "Kit Kat Blizzard Miracle Cure" and decided to try it out. Or maybe I was simply delirious with fever. Either way it seemed to do the trick and I felt a lot better on Friday.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about "adult relationships" lately. I feel like in my life to date, most of my "relationships" have been reminiscent of playing Dream Phone c. 1996. In the game, which I totally own having purchased it at the Salvation Army for the low low price of .99, you have to call all these boys and try and figure out which one likes you. It takes ages and sometimes the boys are jerks and say things like, I know who it is, but I'm not telling, HA HA! (just like in REAL LIFE!)

As part of my plan to Keep It Great In Ought Eight, I decided I was not going to dick around on the metaphorical Dream Phone. No, instead, I was only going to talk with boys directly. Like an adult. I mean, at really fucking close to 30, I should be able to say, "You're right. I really like you!" and then get on with my life.* Keep it STRAIGHT in Oh Eight! Arrange a DATE in Oh Eight! Don't HESITATE in Oh Eight!

*The author reserves the right to continue sending drunken and obsessive text messages well into 2040.

Master Cleanse Day 1: The best laid plans

2008-01-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

In a moment of collective health-consciousness (or collective crack smoking) some of my esteemed colleagues and I have decided to embark on the fabled "Master Cleanse", aka "Maple Syrup and Lemonade Diet". It's a group effort which makes the idea of drinking this crap (and nothing but) for 5 days slightly less noxious. And misery loves company.

My constitution decided to throw a kink into our carefully laid plans and I got really sick yesterday. I am sure this is due, in part, to my adamant declaration that "I don't really get sick." Because I am. I spent most of last night in bed weeping with a fever, body aches and a non-productive and extremely painful cough. Not even disc 1 of the Tudors could distract me from how miserable I felt.

I called out sick from work and had Morgan bring over the Cleansing Supplies for the others. But not before mixing up 2 Nalgene bottles of the stuff for myself. I have been dutifully sipping it in between naps and coughing fits and I have to say... IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Except that I put too much cayenne pepper in this batch, so it's not that bad except for the fact that my lips are on fire.

I'm not feeling hungry either. But not sure how much may be due to the fact that I feel absolutely wretched. Still, I'll take it!

Keeping it Great in Ought Eight

2008-01-02T23:31:00.000-05:00

I've never been particularly enamored by the start of a new year. It usually goes something like: I really want to do something fabulous. Except I don't know what that is. So I end up not really doing anything and then feel let down.

This year I decided to not even worry about it. And I ended up with a bottle of bourbon (thanks, Peter!) and a really good night with some really good friends. And a whole lot of ridiculousness.

I'm actually oddly optimistic about the new year. My sister and I were saying how 2007 was kind of a let down, but 2008 seems bursting with potential.

Potential and of course stacks and stacks of applications that I should really be reading.

How To Throw A Surprise Party 101

2007-12-17T19:38:00.000-05:00

First, make sure you involve as many people as possible. This will come in handy later when you are trying to remember all the ridiculous lies everyone told the party recipient. Second, make sure you come up with the most plausible solutions for why the surprisee can/can't be at a certain place at a certain time. Some of my favorites include, "No reason" and "I don't know." You will be making up all manner of outrageous stories in the planning process but make sure that you totally piss off the person who you are trying to surprise. It's technically not a surprise party unless the guest of honor is hurt/mad at you for excluding them from all manner of secret plans. Finally, it is essential that there be at least 2 false alarms where everyone leaps out and yells "SURPRISE!!!" only to discover that the person coming in was only stepping out for a smoke or something and is not the surprise party recipient.

A Brief Moment of Silence

2007-11-19T21:56:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1965, Pop Tarts were created.

Now we return to our regularly scheduled time wasting.

I recently decided that with The Commodore lost at sea, it was my duty to revive seersucker.
I mean, any staple of southern gentlemen is all right by me!

In speaking of wardrobe, a lady that I work with stopped me last week to comment on my striped tights (worn under grey cropped pants). She said, "You look like..."
"A pirate?", I offered hopefully.
"An oompa loompa."
Now, admittedly, I may have an astonishing haircut, but I am by no means knee high. Nor do I accept payment in candy. (Though I have considered it in more desperate times.) And for fuck's sake, this woman has been wearing STIRRUP PANTS almost continuously since the mid-90's. I hardly feel as though she is in any position to comment on anyone else's outfit.

Oh, and I DID win the office Apple Pie Smackdown. Someone asked the secret to my filling: just a touch of bourbon. Oh, and 3/4 c. of heavy cream. 'Tis the season!

You Had Me At "Free Scotch"

2007-11-12T19:13:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, I put on a kicky cocktail dress (ignoring the fact that it was 30 degrees out), grabbed Suzanne and headed to the "Johnnie Walker Journey" at the Boston Center for the Performing Arts. Now, even though JW and I go way back (Colorado, 2000, irrigation ditch) I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a huge fan. I mean, I'm more of a bourbon aficionado, and in terms of Scotch, I know more about single malts than blended whiskeys. But I am an apt pupil and always looking to expand my (whisky) horizons.

After sipping a cocktail (red label margarita, Grade: b+), and munching on some snacks (Turkish apricots with Gorgonzola, grade: a++) we were shown to our seats for the tasting/multimedia presentation/hour long advertisement for Johnnie Walker. Suzanne and I were seated next to a very animated (read: drunk) couple who kept shouting out references to how excited (drunk) they were to be there. Despite the obvious marketing scheme, the event was pretty nice (free drinks). They did some interesting things, such as serving the Gold Label ice cold and mixing the Red Label with "cola", and encouraging us to use the Green Label as cologne, ("Put a drop in your hands, rub them together. Now, smell it!).

However, when the heavens opened and Johnnie Walker Blue Label rained down into my glass, I think I regained my faith in god (whisky). A swirl, a sniff, and it was like angels had wept tears of salvation into my snifter.

Hint hint... Christmas is coming.

I was warned about Brockton

2007-11-06T19:11:00.001-05:00

I had a college fair in Brockton today. I thought it was Braintree for a while. Mostly because I think Braintree might actually be the best name for a town. I mean, come on! Brain Tree!

Unfortunately, it was not. It was Brockton, which Scott described to me as "kind of awful". It kind of was. At least the college fair.

Did you know that Brockton high school has around 4000 kids? And it's the 2nd largest high school east of the Mississippi? True fact! At least according to the chick from Curry College who was at the table next to me.

So, the only kids who talked to me besides the ones who thought I was "Clark Atlanta"? One was blind (admittedly not her fault and I am sure she's an amazing student) and the other hadn't taken her SATs yet. Sigh.

Halloween Conundrum or "The Lass Who Loved a Sailor"

2007-10-24T21:54:00.000-05:00

Or at least the idea of dressing up as one.

The problem with Halloween, besides me not ever doing anything nearly as fabulous as I imagined, is that if you are a girl, most costumes revolve around wearing as little themed clothing as possible. Don't be a pirate, be a SEXY PIRATE! A sexy law enforcement officer! A sexy hot dog! I'd like something nautical without looking like well...

Oh, and Bee is already taken.

Letter to Albuquerque

2007-10-15T08:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Albuquerque,

You and I kind of got off to a bad start. With that whole delayed flight from Denver, which was totally Denver's fault-with the bad weather and all. But Denver and I have a long and complicated history and no matter what happens, I will always hold a special place in my heart for CO.

Anyway, getting there late and coming within mere seconds of being stranded at the rental car counter didn't really do much to endear me to you. Neither did the whole fiasco with the hotel, although that did turn out well when I got my palatial corner room (albeit with no bed, just a pull out sofa. Or more correctly 3 pull out sofas. And a fantastic shower!). Oh, and that "joke" with the missing package? Not funny.

The college fair was pretty good, except just so you know, charging the admissions reps for snacks and beverages? TACKY! It was nice to be done at 3:oo though and have the afternoon to myself. Chapman and I did have quite a nice walk to Old Town. I never would have thought to put the PRISON right near the convention center, but good for you! It's a nice touch.

The awesome old guy at the ice cream shoppe was a nice surprise as well. Of course, he is originally from Colorado, so you only get partial credit. But that malt was pretty damn good.

One more thing, that whole rule about no alcohol within so many feet from a church? Not so much. And I'm from Massachusetts where you can't do anything fun. Ever.

So, Albuquerque, I don't have a whole lot to say about you, but I do appreciate the FREE WIRELESS at the airport. That part is awesome!

Perpetuating the myth

2007-10-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

"Ok, so we just happen to show up at the coffee shop, looking completely fabulous, where Shifty is playing tonight..."
"Right. And I pretend that I just happen to be driving around listening to sea shanties on my iPod."
"Awesome."

Nautical, But Naked

2007-09-21T14:56:00.000-05:00

Topic of today's group information session.

You know those nightmares where you realize you are in school/at work/speaking at the UN and totally naked? On the same theme, I have this paranoid fear of trying on clothes in store dressing rooms and then forgetting to put my pants back on and walking out into the store pantless. I've never actually done this. Or even come close. But I worry about it. A lot.

Today I had to give an information session to a group of prospective students and parents. Of course I was freaked out because the last (and first) time I had given one was over a month ago and surely I had forgotten everything I ever knew about Clark in that time.

Also, I realized that the pants I am wearing today make me feel naked.

I mean, they are just black, cropped pants (like pretty much ALL my pants) but the key difference is that they actually FIT me. I almost never buy clothes that actually fit. Mostly because they haven't made clothes to fit my body in at least 30 years. But also because I worry that if I buy clothes that fit I will gain weight or something and then they won't fit and I will be down one pair of pants. So I buy things that are too big. And then I buy a lot of belts.

So, I had on my naked pants and my nautical-themed shoes (which are the most awesome shoes EVER) and a striped shirt and my anchor/ship's wheel necklace that my (awesome) sister got me and a room full of people who were only mildly interested in what I had to say. And half of whom left early. And the rest of whom didn't find any of my "jokes" even remotely funny.

Sigh.

Must go home and cobble together a pizza in a (probably) hopeless attempt to redeem myself after the Great Paella/Biscuit Disaster of Last Weekend.

What The Kids Are All Talking About These Days

2007-09-21T09:19:00.000-05:00

Me: Rockabilly Vampire?? I want my boyfriend to be a Rockabilly Vampire!
MiniSchooligan: I know, right? It's perfect! Sleep all day, rock all night!

I Should Really Know Better By Now

2007-09-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

With the temperatures getting cooler and the air getting crisper it's prime apple pie and bourbon drinking weather. There's nothing quite like a cool night and a good glass of bourbon to make you feel warm down to the tips of your toes.

While bourbon sipping goes quite well with porch sitting and conversing with friends, it does not necessarily make cooking easier, although it does frequently make it more delicious. (See: bourbon balls, bourbon pecan pie and sauteed duck breast with bourbon cream sauce. Hmmm. There's an idea for a dinner party...) There may have been a slight biscuit disaster following the aforementioned bourbon sipping. (Note: "grease pan" is not a mere suggestion.) However, I was able to perform some damage control by dousing the whole debacle in cheese gravy. Cheese! It's good for covering up mistakes!

Answer: Who says Percherons can't pull?

2007-09-10T19:34:00.000-05:00

Question: How do you start a bottle fight at the Sterling fair?

This Sunday, my sister and the lovely Serena (adjunct family member) and I went to the Sterling Fair. I like this fair for many reasons, the least of which is not that it's totally free. Prizewinning vegetables + ample amounts of fried food = One really great time. (Insider's tip: When assembling your vegetable cornucopia, make sure your cucumbers are the proper size. The judges this year were totally frowning on over sized cukes.)

I may have been born in Worcester, but I am totally a down home girl at heart. There's nothing like some draft horse competition and cute boys with Skoal rings on their pockets to make me want to grip a piece of hay in my teeth and sheepishly kick a dirt clod with the toe of my boot.

Everyone is nicer in Minnesota

2007-09-05T19:12:00.001-05:00

Especially lumberjacks. But also hipsters.

Spent the weekend in Minneapolis visiting Slevy, drinking, and going to the State Fair. I have to say that I'll know I've made it when my face is carved into a hunk of butter.

Categorizing People Isn't Something We Do In the Buffet Line

2007-08-27T18:37:00.000-05:00

Today was the "Fall Kick Off" reception at President Bassett's house. I pretty much went for the free beer. And hors d'oeuvres. I had sort of forgotten that I would have to mingle. With professors that I had like 10 years ago who totally didn't remember me.

I did meet a cute English professor who mistakenly sampled a beet and watercress appetizer. And a guy who ALSO likes olde tymey baseball and penny farthings. And another native-Worcesterite who has no accent. Oh, and I didn't drink or eat too much or say anything stupid to the President. A rousing success!!

I did however agree to run a 5k in September. But I did that BEFORE I started drinking, so I must just be a colossal idiot. Instead of a drunken idiot. Shit.

The Object of My Affection

2007-08-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

Is either in the glass in front of me (gin) or on my lap (Underfoot).

Ok, so I have been working at Clark for about 2 weeks now. I only feel vaguely more knowledgable than when I started. But lucky for me, no one seems to notice.

Actually, I am really liking my new gig. I feel, for the first time EVER, like I did something positive career wise. It still doesn't quite seem real. I work with people my own age! I make decisions! I have no time to research weird things on the internet!

Ok, well, today I had a little time between 4:30 and 5, and suddenly remembered the live action Popeye movie with Robin Williams and Shelly Duval circa 1980. So I went to IMBD and looked that up. Man, what a kick ass movie. I mean, when I was like, 4, it was my absolute favorite! I decided to put it on my Netflix queue, but am sort of scared that watching it at age much-older-than-4 that it just won't be the same.

The Tax Man: You just docked?
Popeye: I has.
The Tax Man: Ah ha, let's see here, that'll be 25¢ docking tax.
Popeye: What for?
The Tax Man: Where's your sea craft?
Popeye: It ain't no sea craft, it's me dinghy and it's under the wharf.
The Tax Man: Ah ha. ahh-ha. This your goods?
Popeye: They is.
The Tax Man: Yeah. You're new in town right?
Popeye: If you call this a town, yes.
The Tax Man: Well, first of all, there's 17¢ new-in-town tax, and there's 45¢ rowboat-under-the-wharf tax, and one dollar leaving-your-junk-lying-around-the-wharf tax, so all together, you owe the Commodore $1.87.
Popeye: Uh, who's this Commodore?
The Tax Man: Is that the nature of question? There's a nickel question tax.

Brilliant, no?

Two things I will not miss about working here

2007-07-26T08:52:00.000-05:00

(D-bag edition)

My coworkers took me out to lunch yesterday. At the Sole Proprietor (fancy-pants fish restaurant) no less. So much awsum!!!11!one!! I was actually surprised that they were all so misty-eyed at my upcoming departure. I was also surprised that they kept wanting to talk about climbing.

I was not, however, surprised that TSV made the following comments to me:
TSV: I'm really surprised you are eating bacon.
Me: delicately nibbling my bacon wrapped scallops Are you kidding me? Why is that surprising? (*note: I will eat practically anything wrapped in bacon.)
TSV: Well, I just thought you were healthier than that.
Me: thinking And I thought we could get through lunch without you making some jackass comment.

Later on that day, at around 4:58 pm to be exact, another coworker (who I genuinely like and who surprised me with his douchebaggery) came over to chat with me about me leaving. I had to explain, yet again, where I was going and what I am doing. ("So, you are the Assistant to the Director of Admissions?" "No, I AM the Assistant Director") Then he gets into a long winded and hopelessly irritating conversation about his son and the value of a college education that goes something like this:
Him: Yeah, so it's really important to have a college degree these days.
Me: Mmmhmm (looking at clock)
Him: Do YOU have a 4 year degree?
Me: Yes
Him: My son didn't want to go to college, blah blah blah, I told him he really needs to get a 4 year degree in this day and age to be able to blah blah blah, I mean, even a degree in English would be better than nothing!
Me: HEY!
Him: Oh. Is that what you have a degree in?
Me: Yes.
Him: *turns red*

For the last time people, WE CAN'T ALL BE ENGINEERS!!!

No More Cock For Me

2007-07-18T22:29:00.000-05:00

(At least not while I'm working...)

As of July 27th I will no longer be working at The Cock. On August 1st, I start my new jay-oh-bee at the lovely Clark University. I had off-handedly asked my brother to let me know if there were any openings and lo-and-behold the Admissions Office was hiring. I had worked there as an Undergrad (and helped my brother get a job there) and the woman I used to work for emailed me and advised me to send in my resume. Which I did, after many many agonizing days trying to make it look like I have some legitimate experience. (Thanks, Slev!)

I figured that my status as an Alum and a former student worker would probably get me an interview, which it did. On the hottest day of the entire summer. At least they probably thought I was sweating because it was hot, not because I had no idea what the hell I was doing in their office. I felt like the interview went... all right. At least until I started thinking about all the (probably) really dumb things I said.

Apparently they were all the right dumb things because I found out last week that I got the job!

Two Things I Will Not Miss About Working For Cock:

1. Conversations like this one:
TSV: I won't be in Friday.
Me: k.
TSV: I am having a colonoscopy.
Me: o_o
TSV: It's my 2nd one. (pause) You know, they really aren't as bad as people make them out to be.
Me: thinking Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2. People who insist on using Comic Sans in presentations and expect to be taken seriously.

7 Deadly Something or Other

2007-07-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

Today I was trying to remember the 7 Deadly Sins. I'm convinced that each passing day brings my brain closer to complete mush, so sometimes I test myself to see just how many things I have forgotten. Among the forgotten are Wrath and Sloth.

Wrath I can sort of understand, I tend more towards extreme annoyance. But Sloth? SLOTH? How could I, the person who was seriously freaked out each and every time (approx. 812) I watched Se7en, forget about SLOTH?

Dear Sloth, after all those nights when I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about you and all the times I had to leave ALL THE LIGHTS on in my house just so I wouldn't accidentally stumble upon your atrophied limbs while making my way to the bathroom, how could I ever forget you, Sloth? You had an integral role in the Hearts games I played when I should have been doing something more productive on my computer and figured prominently into many many games of "Would you rather?" I even took you on my wagon train in Oregon Trail II. (You died of dysentery. Sorry.)

I guess it's just fortunate that extreme forgetfulness is not a mortal sin. Or is it? I can't remember.

People at the (yoga) party hot hot hot!!!

2007-07-09T22:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that it's better to yoga in a warmer room because it keeps your muscles loose and what not. But I also know that it's impossible for me to concentrate on my breathing when I am sweating so much that it looks like I peed my pants.

Honestly. Can it plz be gin and tonick time now?
Kthxbai.

Thursday 13

2007-06-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

The only 13 songs I listen to on my iPod.

1. Do You Want To- Franz Ferdinand
2. Down the Old Plank Road- The Chieftans
3. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Parton
4. Sugar, We're Going Down- Fall Out Boy (aka the "Looliorah" song)
5. I'm Money- Zebrahead
6. Bonnie Taylor Shakedown- HelloGoodbye
7. Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
8. She's a Rebel- GreenDay
9. Bojangles- Pit Bull
10. Pass that Dutch- Missy Eliott
11. God's Gonna Cut You Down- Johnny Cash
12. Devastation Wagon- Frantic Flattops
13. Man of Constant Sorrow- The Soggy Bottom Boys

13 Reasons It's a Great Day to Be Alive

2007-05-10T13:22:00.000-05:00

1. Cold Brewed Coffee- One of the chef's I used to work with in CO used to make it this way and I had totally forgotten about it until the NYT Magazine did a piece on it. Of course, the Times featured a $40 "cold brewer" and I just use a jug and a strainer (total cost: $2 from your local dollar store), but if you haven't tried coffee this way, you are missing something wonderful.

2. 80 degrees and sunny!

3. I fixed my dishwasher for once and for all! Fuck you, Sears! (It just needed a new hose.)

4. Replaced the light fixture above my sink so I can actually SEE to replace said dishwasher hose.

5. As always, $1 PBR drafts at the Hotel Vernon, home of the recent "Ukepalooza" Ukulele Festival. (Great entertainment for out of town guests!)

6. Edy's slow churned ice cream.

7. Underfoot's haircut. Every time I look at her I die a little inside. (from cute o.d.)

8. Kobe beef hamburgers.

9. Tempranillo. Spanish red is the new Zin! (And you can totally quote me on that)

10. 90210 Season 2 on DVD.

11. $217 airfares to Minnesota.

12. Someone left a whole bag of Dove dark chocolate candies on my dining room table.

13. I got rice cooking in the microwave...

Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?

2007-05-07T12:13:00.000-05:00

I don't consider myself to be a particularly loving person. When it comes to other people, (of course, llamas, kitties, puppies, OMG PONIES!!1!, hamsters, goatersons, etc. are not included in the rage-making) I find that I am, more often than not, filled with unbridled rage. (Thanks, Paris! Oh, and P.S. HA HA you're going to JAIL!)

So when my stone cold heart is moved by someone, it usually takes me by surprise and I'm all "WTF? Should I call an ambulance? Do I have any Zantac?"

Saturday I had a talk with my mechanic, who is the most fantastic man on the entire planet (Sorry, Santa Claus!) not only because he knows everything I don't about cars, but also because he is honest. He assured me that the $600 "scheduled maintenance" on my car was mostly a scare tactic and he'd let me know what (if anything) my car does need. That's basically what I thought, but since I don't know crap about fixing/maintaining cars, it's reassuring to hear it from someone who does. Especially since I just recently had to actually use the Extended Warranty thing to get my computer fixed which I had convinced myself was a waste of $100 when I bought it 2 years ago. Turns out it was worth it. The $129.99 they tried to charge me to reinstall Windows, however, would have been a waste of money since i am perfectly capable of inserting a CD and hitting enter a few times.

Later that evening I watched Calvin Borel win the Kentucky Derby on Street Sense and after hearing him talk in THE MOST ADORABLE CAJUN ACCENT I felt that unfamiliar twinge of emotion inside and wanted more than anything to scoop him up and put him in my jacket pocket. OMG PONIES!!1!! I dare you to read this guy's story and not get a little emotional.*

*No mint juleps were consumed during the writing of this blog.**

**Goddammit.

Underpocalypse Now

2007-05-02T20:16:00.000-05:00

Spring is traditionally known as a time of change and renewal. Eggs hatching, trees and flowers blooming, lambs gamboling in pasture and hairball producing kitties getting haircuts.

When I dropped UnderFizz at the groomers today she completely filled her pet carrier. When I picked her up 1 hour later, she was approximately 1/3 her original size. The groomer said she behaved very well and just sort of sighed and lay there while she got 35 pounds of fluff sheared off. That's my girl: resigned.

As much as I feel bad about inflicting such a ridiculous haircut on my cat (not shown: pom pom tail) I can't help but hear that ZombieNation song every time she walks through the house.

Bedroom eyes are easier if you have bangs or if you are a llama

2007-05-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

I finally got a haircut on Saturday. Yes, finally. I FINALLY have non-embarassing hair. I was at that point where you almost don't want to go to a salon because you know they will be looking at your 4 inch roots and give you a "What the hell were you thinking?" look and then pick up a limp strand and say something about "We've got a LOT of work ahead of us."

I guess I have mixed feelings about judgemental hair stylists. On the one hand, I KNOW I look terrible, I don't need to pay someone $60 to remind me. But on the other hand, I want them to be judgemental and make me look good. As in, the opposite of how I look when I walked in.

I get the same way only worse when it comes to bikini waxes. I mean, I can't afford to go every 4 weeks like I am "supposed to", but then when I let it go too long (hahaha) I feel extremely self concious. I mean, even more self conscious then I usually feel while a Russian woman is yanking out my pubic hair. Luckily, Svetlana doesn't say anything. Possibly because she doesn't know that much English. Or maybe she's just being nice because of that time I let Anya watch and practice her waxing technique on my crotch. You know, the more the merrier.

Which was the theme of Alissa and The Schooligan's Birthday Extravaganza 2007. It totally turned out great though, in spite of my utter and complete lack of organizational skills. Perhaps they were cancelled out by Sangria. Even though I initially wanted to ignore the whole birthday all together (I'm 29, wtf?) I'm glad we ended up at a great restaurant surrounded by people we love and who don't mind me picking food directly off their plates.

It was super nice out today, so I went to the petting zoo on my lunch break. A llama tried to steal my iced coffee and a goat tried to eat my dress. There were some children there, but ~~unfortunately~~ luckily none of them got head butted by over zealous goats.

Just when you thought Lederhosen couldn't get any more ridiculous

2007-04-10T11:09:00.000-05:00

We get DIGITAL LEDERHOSEN!

I would totally be listening to "This is why I'm hot"

Jesus H. Sandwich

2007-03-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

Obviously my lunch today was a sign from God.
A sign that I should eat it.

Yum.

Much more incriminating than Thursday 13

2007-03-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

My google search history.

23 skidoo
Veloute
wasabi mashed potatoes
american gem society
pseudocyesis
funnycide
Rochom P'nieng
inherited hammertoe
complaints about subway sandwich
shocking truths
white chocolate
big dipper
mathematical theorems
being poor is your own fault
New yorkers are ridiculous
Fra Browning
Family in oregon stranded
johnny cash middle finger
cheap trip to Kentucky derby
blood pressure
Delaware emission limits for coal fired power plants
paso corto
calories in cheese omelet
hip haircuts
riesling
kibbee
patrick Deuel
glockenspiel
walnut
abdominal migraine
zodiac killer
god rest ye merry gentlemen
history of candy bars
modern pyramid schemes
claymoore
garrote
Uninvited game reviews
chelated iron
fireproof christmas tree
old fashioned licorice all sorts
What's the fuss over TMX Elmo?
Is the shroud of turin fake?
Tenzig Norgay
plaid fur lined hat with ear flaps
canine liver shunt
petite four
fung was bus disaster
stikfas
medical quakery
william howard taft
Sopron dog yard
Luke perry in 2006
Sport team rivalry
What's the difference between William Henry Harrison and James Garfield?
Ass over teakettle
T is for Texas
Teens bake puppy in oven
rasputin stout
causes of tinnitus
copper allergy
meniere's disease
SDA virus
exploding stomach from over eating
co-morbid anxiety
interrobang
I hate the schooligan
Syrian Rye
Running shoes make my feet numb
desert aisha plusie
schadenfreude
living with morbid obesity
totenkopf
chloe the pitbull
urim and thummim
#10 envelope
subaru recall
how to spot fake gucci
absolute zero
Alice Hoffman
islands near puerto rico
giant underpants
children misbehaving at restaurants
drill hole in head
periodic limb movement disorder
arrow through head
free things to do in columbus, OH
pizza bites
gunga din
aspartame will kill you
real estate cody, wy
family circus sucks
beauceron
vice versa
Nembutal
self important conversation
Ramadan 2007
Fill & drain hose coupler assembly
TJX security breach
attuned eating
Cruel Girl Jeans
beriberi
Camp Wind in the Pines
Russian Moose Farm
folliculosis
out of control binging
How to fold large pieces of paper
Anthony Bourdain
Bone marrow donation
glenlivet natural Scotch whisky
How tall is Beth Rodden?
Wilted spinach
How to cut emo bangs
homozygous proven stallion
rachel ray meatloaf muffins
cat eye syndrome
diverticulitis
mahi mahi recipe
Starbucks 9/11
Leland Olds air permit
Morgellons
Siberian Cat
English bull dog problems
Yom kippur
lumbago
rusty cage
oleana
cant touch this lyrics
can ducks throw up
gurney
Duke Belews Creek
balancing moonflower
phonics
raw seal fat
sopapilla
honey dew donuts
cervical punch
world's smallest horse
whiskey on the rocks and a quarter for the juke box
quid pro quo
when was shake and bake invented?
mock apple pie
ways to lose your driver's license
momo syndrome
obesity crisis in america
what is a placket
chiropractors on crystal meth
blueberry cobbler
BLM horses
ring bone
Dog chapman arrested
little yellow jacket
cotton eye
hell house
Gerald Gentleman station
Deval Patrick
Children who are difficult to toilet train
behind these hazel eyes
spontaneous lactose intolerance
museum of russian icons

The Height of Sophistication

2007-03-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

Last year I had a page-a-day calendar from "The Joy of Cooking" (but only because I could not find my usual Edward Gorey variety) and every day there would be a fun fact about food, a recipe or when the day was particularly lame, a quote vaguely related to food. I kept the pages in a stack on my desk to use as scrap paper and while I was making a to-do list I re-discovered the "Waldorf Salad".

According to the calendar, in the early 1900's mayonaise combined with celery and apples was "The Height of Sophistication." (The walnuts and grapes came later, THANK GOD.) Or you could make it child friendly with mini marshmallows.

You know how I feel about mayonnaise (the devil's ketchup), so can I just say, What The Fuck? This has got to be the grossest interpretation of "salad" ever. Mayonnaise? Walnuts? Fucking marshmallows? Was it a joke? Tell me it was a joke played on rich New Yorkers, "Ha ha ha. They'll eat ANYTHING! Throw in some more celery boys! Don't forget the red grapes. Oh, and what the hell, leave the SEEDS IN THEM!"

My local sunday paper has a section called "Happy Times" where kids write essays on various topics and get them published in the paper. Right next to Ziggy. Awesome. This week's topic was "If I had a time machine..." Pretty much all the kids would travel back to Ancient Egypt to watch the pyramids being built (hope they have a few decades with nothing to do) or to prehistoric times to see dinosaurs*. Not me. If I had a time machine I would travel back to New York c. 1896 and punch Oscar Tschirky in the face. Twice. "This is for the Waldorf Salad!" *punch* "And this is for THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING!" *punch* "Oh and don't get any fancy ideas about poached eggs and hollandaise either."

*How did stegosauruses have sex? No, seriously, how did they? It seems kind of impossible. Hmmm. Maybe that's why they went extinct.

Pigeon Hotel Foxtrot

2007-02-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

The pigeon sitch at the Voodoo Lounge is officially out of control.

Last week I couldn't stand the cooing and the loud avian debates so I unleashed my secret weapon: Underfoot. She did a good job prowling around the attic and hopefully putting the fear of cat into them. Ninja, on the other hand, was completely worthless, and nervously refused to leave the house.

I think the final straw was when they invited a freaking squirrel over to their frat house and took turns loudly taunting me and shitting on things that may be of value. Oh, and they are totally into porn as well. I found a piece of a smutty magazine covered with poo and feathers.

Fucking pigeons.

Functional appliances are hot.

2007-02-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

There are many reasons why I dislike doing dishes, among them is that my sink is not designed with a dishwashing giraffe in mind and after about 1 minute of standing at this sink my back starts to hurt. Also, I paid dearly for that dishwasher, and I'll be damned if I use it only for counter space. And storing dirty dishes.

Because I am too cheap (read: poor) to get someone to comeout and fix the stupid thing, I've been trying to diagnose and fix the problem myself. Tip: Never buy anything at Sears. I've been there twice now and have talked to approximately 8 different people and NONE OF THEM knows a fucking thing about dishwashers, or, I expect, anything else. Except maybe how to look like they just stepped off the set of a Dallas! reunion special.

The lady at the Parts & Service department, conveniently located in upper Siberia, knew nothing about either parts nor service. Except to tell me that for $75 I could have a "technician" come out and LOOK AT IT. Not fix it. Look at it. I declined and she directed me to Sclamo's (another appliance store).

Besides having awesome commercials on the local TV station, (The ads direct you in a piercing voice, to go to SCLAAAAAAA-MOS! Then they show bad shots of the outside of the store) the guy at Sclaaaaaa-mos actually knew a thing or two about dishwashers. He even gave me the website for a plumbing supply website where I can order the part I need ($62 + tax & shipping, no charge for me to look at the dishwasher with said part in hand). Then he told me that if I felt comfortable with simple tools, lever, inclined plane, etc. I could probably do-it-myself. Either that or live with a dishwasher that is both non-functional AND in pieces.

To The Person Who Left ONE Gummy Bear in the Candy Dish

2007-01-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

(And I know who you are!)

Not eating ALL the gummy bears does not negate your glutonous consumption of the other 99.9999% of the department refreshments.

Making Insomnia Work for You

2007-01-24T11:33:00.000-05:00

I mean, if you can't sleep at 5 am, might as well go to the gym, right?

Tip: You're an idiot of you think you aren't going to need a shower after running 2 miles. Bring a towel.

Exactly why I hate supervising on "college night"

2007-01-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

AnnoyingNewbieGirl: I can't seem to get this move.
AnnoyingNewbieBoy: That's because you're too short! It's totally a route for us tall people.
Me: (rage bubbling over because ANG doesn't deserve that kind of crap) Um, Beth Rodden is only 5'1".
ANB: Is she, like, some pro climber?
Me: Uh, yeah. She like totally made the 2nd free ascent of The Nose.
ANB: (who has ZERO idea what he's talking about, but am guessing he thinks "free climbing" means not in the gym?) Yeah, well free climbing is easier 'cuz you can use whatever holds you want.
Me: (All restraint GONE.) Actually, at 5.13 I wouldn't call it "easier"
ANB: *walks away*

Now maybe I'm just old and crotchety (*smirk*) but I can NOT stand these kids, who haven't ever been beyond the YMCA rock gym, telling me what's what. Especially when it's 9.27 and I want to close at 9.30 but people are still dicking around on their "projects".

From the "Not so much annoying as potentially dangerous" Files:
Basically Nice Kid Who Doesn't Have Much Experience But Apparently Thinks He Does: Are there lead routes at Metro Rock?
Me: Yup. There's a bunch. (incredulously) Do you lead?
BNKWDHMEBATHD: Well, no. But I have quickdraws.

Earhole-itis

2007-01-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

Here's one for the "bizarre medical issues" file:

My weird ear ringing/dizzy spells have continued since the first onslaught after Christmas. It's nowhere near as bad, but kind of annoying. So, I made a doctor's appointment, you know, just to see if it was anything or if I was just crazy.

The doctor did a bunch of bizarre tests involving me sitting up, lying down, moving my head, closing my eyes, walking in a straight line. She was trying to bring on the dizzyness. (Oh, it had already been brought!) No luck. Looking in my ears didn't show anything amiss. She assured me I wasn't crazy or delusional and what was probably wrong with me was something called Labyrinthitis.

No, really. Apparently David Bowie is fucking with my inner ear. Jerk.

The best part? It will most likely go away on its own IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

Now I Can Get Back to Worrying About What's Really Important

2007-01-09T21:09:00.000-05:00

Namely, my hair.

Yes, the hair is back. After my last hair disaster, I decided to go see the experts: The Russians.

I see Sveta every couple of months for a bikini wax and figured anyone that expert and adept at ripping hair off my crotch must know where to get a decent haircut. Luckily, the spa is a full service facility for all types of hair, and I got an appointment with Mary for a cut and color.

I'm not going to mince words here: She gave me the best haircut EVER. Seriously, ever. It's ironic that someone who's first language is NOT Enlgish, and who learned to speak it mostly by watching Oprah (from what I can gather), was able to understand EXACTLY what I wanted done. The haircut has met and exceeded all of my expectations. It's totally perfect.

And also purple.

Knowledge is obsession

2007-01-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

While I was at work today, I started looking up the calories in various foods. I do this periodically to freak myself out. Like reading about Morgellon's Disease. Shock therapy or something. Anyway, I set up one of those accounts where you log everything you eat and it tells you how many calories, fat, etc. you had. It also gives you an overall grade for your food for the day. I got a C+. And that's not counting the glass of wine I'm drinking right now.

I was a little feaked out when I saw how much I had consumed. I mean, it wasn't ridiculous, and I think some of the portions are off, but damn. Part of this I have to blame on the chick who made my coffee at Starbucks this morning. I ordered a cappuccino and she gave me a LATTE. I didn't realize it until I got to work and took a sip and I wasn't about to drive back and demand a new coffee. I was already 15 minutes late as it was. That bitch cost me FIFTY CALORIES!

Braveheart Syndrome

2007-01-03T21:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I had what is hands down the best run of my life. And by best I mean, I didn't feel like I was going to die after 5 minutes and for a good portion of it, I didn't hate running.

It's so totally the iPod.

I put a bunch of new music on there yesterday in the hopes that it would stop playing Leadbelly so freaking much. It worked. Kinda. Leadbelly has been replaced by Mambo Cubano! which makes me want to swivel my hips and beat some timbales. Hard to do while running. Especially for someone who's equilibrium is not 100% reliable.

The best part came when I was running through the parking lot of The Big Lie and some rousing Celtic anthem came on. I think it may have been something by Old Blind Dogs. I immediately picked up my pace and charged across the moor, Claymore brandished high vowing to overthrow the Hanovarians/British/Protestants! I was Bonnie Prince Charlie! I was Michael Collins! I was Braveheart without the anti-semitism!

And then I was Tito Puente.

2007: The year of the wing.

2007-01-02T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm still wondering how the holidays and a whole year managed to slip by without me realizing it. All I realized is that I am old and lame and went to bed at 12:02 the other night.

I hosted a family party (and I dipped no one's hand in a jar of acid) on New Year's Eve. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to that, but it certainly wasn't "I hope that every chicken wing in the world makes its way to my house." Luckily my brother invited a bunch of his friends over and force fed them wings. I don't even like wings, and I especially don't like finding them in drawers, behind furniture and under the dishwasher. (I just discovered an ENTIRE TRAY of uncooked wings chilling on my back porch. Ahhahahahahah.) I declare 2007 to be the year of the Wing.

I think the best part of deciding to have this party (which actually turned out all right, all wings considered) was getting sick the Wednesday after Christmas and lazing about in bed until Sunday when I organized a frantic oh my god people can NOT see how I live, must scrape pigeon shit off the stairs, who's idea was it to make wings anyway, cleaning binge.

I don't know what was/is wrong with me, but signs point to something fucked up with my ears, because i spent most of last week without equilibrium and being unable to move my head without feeling like I was going to throw up and walking into more things than usual. I'm getting used to the constant ringing in my ears and really, who needs to move their head anyway? (It's kind of like being drunk and having the room spin, except I did not have the pleasure of getting drunk.) My doctor is on vacation until Jan. 7, so I did not seek medical attention and instead drank 24 cans of Diet Ginger Ale.

My fitness/diet (ha!) regimine has been seriously thrown off by the holidays and the swimmy head business, but I tried to recoup my losses (or more accurately, my gains) and hit the gym. I must say that the iPod Shuffle (aka the musical postage stamp) was particularly kind to me tonight and played songs I actually wanted to hear. I don't know where the Shuffle gets off claiming to play a random assortment of your music library because it clearly does not. No, my workout is soundtracked by the whims of a tiny silver dictator. And for some reason, it LOVES Leadbelly, which is all well and good, but he makes me want to kill myself rather than run another 20 minutes. Also, there are songs that I am convinced I am NEVER GOING TO HEAR because we need to play Coin Operated Boy 4 times in 20 minutes.

In speaking of dictators, I must confess that when the news revealed that Saddam Hussein had been executed I immediately went online to try and see the footage. I sort of hate myself for watching this, but I simply couldn't NOT watch. Luckily the video (clearly taken with someone's camera phone) was shakey and of poor quality, but still, it was pretty horrific. I found it a bit absurd that the media was all concerned about showing/not showing the execution when OBVIOUSLY it was going to be put on the internet 5 minutes after the event? I should totally be reading F. Scott Fitzgerald or something instead of watching this kind of stuff.

Thursday-Yes-I-Realize-It's-Friday-13

2006-12-22T09:12:00.000-05:00

My 13 Favorite Christmas Songs

(in no particular order, except the first one. Er, first TWO.)

1. Santa Baby- Even though I have no idea how even Santa could fit a DUPLEX into a christmas stocking.

2. Blue Christmas- But only when sung by Elvis. And never when sung by Porky Pig.

3. O Holy Night- My brother adores Mariah Carey's version, but I prefer Mahalia Jackson.

4. Good King Wenceslas- Admittedly it's not even about Christmas, rather St. Stephen's Day which is the 26th (aka Boxing Day), but I still like it.

5. Here we go a-wassailing- I think the best part about wassailing (besides singing to trees) is Ye Olde New England's interpretation: Although wassailing is often described in innocuous and sometimes nostalgic terms, the practice has not always been considered so innocent. In fact in early New England wassailing was associated with rowdy bands of young men who would enter the homes of wealthy neighbors and demand free food and drink in a trick-or-treat fashion. If the householder refused, he was usually cursed, and occasionally his house was vandalized. Nothing says Christmas like drunken vandalism!

6. O Little Town of Bethlehem- Even though it doesn't paint what I would consider to be a realistic picture of what Bethlehem was like. I mean, O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie! Dude, I was so there and there was nothing still about it. It was totally a party town.

7. Christmas on Christmas Island- Actually it was a toss up between this one and "Xmas on the Isthmus of Panama", but I would like to hang my stocking from a coconut tree regardless. (How can you not love a song that rhymes "isthmus" with Christmas? Brilliant!

8. Sleigh Ride- This song totally rocks. Even when performed by an 8th grade orchestra.

9. Jingle Bells- Especially when Diana Krall sings it, although the end is a bit bizarre; she says emphatically "I just really love horses!" I think she hit her head when her sleigh got upsot.

10. Carol of the Bells- It's actually kind of creepy, and makes me feel frantic, like I suddenly realized it's Christmas and I haven't done a thing to get ready. Shit.

11. Holly and Ivy- All wholesome and traditional. Like me.

12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen- Ahhh. Comfort and Joy, like a hot cup of wassail. Just the thing to save me from Satan's Power when I have gone astray.

13. We Three Kings- The darker side of Christmas, all doom and gloom and bitter perfume.

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Giving Starbucks the Big Middle Finger

2006-12-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

You know, by getting my gingerbread latte at Dunkin Donuts for ½ the price and in about ¼ the time. Yes, yes, venti breve ristretto, blah blah blah. Whatever.

You’d think with all the holiday themed drinks I’ve been consuming that I would be on top of Christmas. This is not the case. Actually, I had not even realized that Christmas was coming until I looked at the calendar last Friday and saw that it was a week away. So, my sister and I threw ourselves into a shopping frenzy only coming to our senses when we realized we were about to buy the most ridiculous presents EVER. Who the hell wants black licorice allsorts for Christmas? Answer: No One.
(Except maybe these people. Who are decidedly NOT on our list.)

I debated the idea of Getting a Christmas Tree vs. Not Getting a Christmas Tree. I was inclined to go with “Not” because the damn thing would only be up for a week. Then I thought, Who the hell am I kidding? Knowing me, I’ll leave the damn thing up until March.

Enter Ernie’s Discount Trees. While driving back from a disappointing trip to the Christmas Barn where all the good ornaments had been bought by the TOUR BUS full of old people that got there ahead of us, we spied a wee Christmas Tree stand on the side of the road. I was determined not to spend more than $10 on a tree, $15 max. so “Discount Trees” seemed like a good place to stop.

Ernie (we are guessing, unless he is operating under false pretenses) greeted us and said, Any tree, $10. Perfect! We picked out a small, slightly pathetic looking tree, although not the Charlie Brown-est tree. I feel strangely sad for the sad looking trees with sparse branches and falling needles, but apparently not THAT sad, as I opted for a slightly better (but not much) class of tree.

We exchanged a few pleasantries with Ernie and he chainsawed off the bottom of our tree (which I should so totally fireproof except I have no idea what “chelated iron” is.*) and expertly loaded it into the back of my car (now upholstered with needles) explaining, “I’ve been doing this since before you were born.” I don’t doubt it.

My sister and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get the tree to stand up straight. We were unsuccessful and the tree leans in a slightly disconcerting way. It looked like it might topple over into the center of the living room, so we turned it around so that it’s leaning more toward the wall. Feng Tree Sway? Whatever.

Thursday 13 Things I Would Like For Christmas

2006-12-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

1. Kitchenaid Mixer- But seriously, who doesn't want one?
2. Some nice knives- And I promise to take care of them and not put them in the dishwasher, practice knife throwing, etc.
3. iPod- I am the ONLY person ON EARTH who doesn't have one.
4. One of the best movies EVER MADE.
5. This T-shirt.
6. DKNY Red Delicious
7. Fur lined hat with earflaps.
8. Home Nacho Maker Ok, not really. Actually, I can't believe this product even exists.
9. A retired Greyhound.
10. A housekeeper
11. Smartwool socks- Only the best socks on the planet.
12. A Sherpa jacket
13. A sherpa.

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The Janitor at Cock Hates Me

2006-12-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

He only empties my tras like, 2x per week and its not that I have a lot of trash, but he empties everyone else's trash and constantly overlooks mine.

I have no idea why he hates me because the only conversation I have ever had with him (besides, good morning and thanks) was when I agreed with him that smoking is bad for your health.

My Jacket Smells Like Bethlehem

2006-12-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

Which, incidentally, is a lot like smoke, incense and sheep.

I dragged my sister and King to see the Living Nativity last night. I was expecting... well, I guess a donkey and a bunch of people in robes and maybe a fake baby Jesus.

Instead it was more like: And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.([And] this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)Luke 2:1

When it was our turn to fill out the census, my brother learned just how much Latin he doesn't know.

Roman Census Taker: Quam vetus es vos?
Me: *stage whisper* I think he's asking how old you are
King Devon: uhhhhhhhhhhhh, *looks around* XX?
Roman Census Taker: viginti?
Minischooligan: If you went to Starbucks more you totally would have known that.

Seriously, the whole thing was SO. COOL. The church had recreated a replica of the whole village of Bethlehem complete with Centurions, Wise men, and A CAMEL! Oh, yeah, and lots and lots of people in robes. And the best fake Baby Jesus ever.

The coolest thing was that the whole thing was conducted entirely in Latin (Note to self: Do not let King act in loco parentis, Hebrew (Shalom!) and Arabic (A'yaad meelad Saeedah!). Unfortunately we had forgotten to brush up on our language skills before hitting the Bethlehem, so we mostly just walked around wide eyed, confused and occasionally shouting, SHALOM!

I So Totally Hate it When They Are Right

2006-12-01T09:34:00.000-05:00

You know, those people that advocate working out in the MORNING because you are less likely to blow it off than if you go after work or whatever. I'm just not the person to be able to get up at 6am and go running. Anymore. I used to be all UP AND AT 'EM, but now I am more like, UNNNNGGHHHHHHHHH! 5 More minutes!

Anyway, I had this brilliant idea while walking back from the pharmacy last night. I decided to bribe myself into getting up early to go workout. With a gingerbread coffee from Starbucks. Yes yes, Starbucks is bad, etc. I don't normally go for the frou-frou drinks, but there is something about the taste of artificially flavored gingerbread in my coffee that I absolutely love. Actually, I get a gingerbread mocha to which all the Starbucks people always respond, Venti Non-fat Gingerbread MOCHA*?, and I say, yes MOCHA. Today the chick asked me twice if I really wanted that. TWICE. Whatever, it's delicious. I've also decided to rename it the GingerBat, and am going to suggest that they market it at halloween. Seriously, I am a genious.

*It's especially annoying when people can order a half-caff venti, two pump maple, half eggnog half WHIPPING CREAM, caramel drizzle latte and they don't bat an eye.

I'm in Love with Dylan McKay

2006-12-01T09:10:00.000-05:00

No, really. The first season of 90210 came out on DVD (finally!) this month and OF COURSE I sent it straight to the top of my Netflix queue, I mean if there is any show that is representative of my generation this would have to be it. Even when they all got old and involved in ridiculous plotlines (Um, Dylan's sister Erica is a crack whore?)

Last night I watched the episode where Dylan and Brenda go out for the first time after he freaks out because his dad is all sketchy and Jim Walsh (who, like Slevs said, seems to spend the entire first season wandering around looking baffled.) is all, "I don't like that Dylan. His dad is being indicted for securities fraud." (Ok, I don't even know what securities fraud is. It makes no more sense to me that it did in 1990. All I know is that it is BAD and involves lots of money. And a witness protection program.) Anyway, it was like being 14 again, because Luke Perry IS SO HOTTT, and I was all *sigh* and "I wish I could go out with Dylan McKay." Which brings up the question of, What the hell is Luke Perry doing these days? I mean after his rollicking success in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (not as good as the TV show) and one of my most embarassing favorite movies (right up there with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) 8 Seconds where he plays the ill-fated bull rider Lane
Frost (based on a true story).
If you haven't seen this movie, please do. If only to watch the cowboy wedding scene (Luke Perry wearing a STRING TIE!*)

Update: Apparently he was in a terrible movie in 2005 and is vaguely upset by the African HIV situation. He's also doing an HBO series by the guy who did Deadwood, and therefore has the potential to not suck. SHIT!

*Yes, I know it's called a BOLO, but STRING TIE is so much funnerer to say. When I waited tables at the dude ranch I had to wear one. The King got me a special one for my birthday that had a gigantic western saddle. STRING TIE!

Making My Mother Proud

2006-11-28T22:19:00.000-05:00

For a while now, I've been making a conscious effort to save money. Mostly because I don't have any. If current trends continue, I face working until AT LEAST 2045 before I can retire. That's pretty effing depressing, so I pinch pennies where I can. I mean, it's all about balance and a hefty serving of ingenuity. For example, I keep my heat off so that I can afford to buy expensive bourbon which in turn keeps me warm. Cats are also cheaper than Natural Gas, and way more amusing. I mean, who wants to watch the heater lick peanut butter off it's nose?

There are a lot of ~~hillarious~~ helpful websites out there with ~~ridiculous~~ useful tips on living frugally by washing your clothes in the bathtub or, stir uncooked oatmeal into a glass of water, sweeten it with sugar and stir. The oatmeal will settle to the bottom of the glass and the cloudy part will mask any off taste in the water. You drink the water, then you eat the oatmeal.

Riiiigggghhhhht.

But really, saving money doesn't have to be depressing. I mean, who would't like these cheap ass earrings? Or this brooch? And what says Christmas more than a box of Q-tips?

Cork'd

2006-11-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving. Still digesting.

Thursday 13

2006-11-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

13 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Rock climb in Thailand.

2. Adopt a greyhound.

3. Vacation in Dubai.

4 . Have hot drunken sex with Anthony Bourdain.

5. Dip my own bottle of Maker's Mark.

6. Move back out west.

7. Watch the Kentucky Derby. In Kentucky.

8. Go to the PBR World Finals.

9. Have hot drunken sex with Adriano Moraes.

10. Ride a mule into the Grand Canyon.

11. Get "stranded" in a blizzard at a mountain cabin. With a fireplace. And a hot tub. And a barrel of bourbon.

12. Ride a camel past the pyramids.

13. Get laser eye surgery.

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Thanksgiving Cannot Come Fast Enough

2006-11-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

Top 3 Reasons Why I Can't Wait for Thanksgiving:

3. 4 day weekend!!!!
2. Above average alcohol consumption!
1. It begins the "Holiday Season" where I have total dietary impunity until sometime after New Year's!

I'm Sick of Watching Things Die

2006-11-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

We had the dog put to sleep on Saturday. It was time.

What else can I say, happy to the very last, I'll miss you Finn. Go pick a fight in heaven.

Fabulous Life = Lack of Blogging

2006-11-09T20:53:00.000-05:00

If by fabulous we mean working overtime (including weekends!), enjoying the fruits of a liquor store liquidation (Currently drinking Oro, a lovely Spanish red. Soft, velvety with a surprisingly smooth finish.) trying to convince my computer to stop being an asshole and connect to the internet already, and listening to pigeons having loud pigeon conversations in the eaves of my house every morning beginning at 4.30 am.

And yoga. I've been doing the yoga thing and really enjoying it (the yoga lady is SO CUTE. And nice! And cute!) Except for the fact that I feel like every time I go, I suck more than the time before. Like this week when I nearly fell over trying to do the balancing Half Moon. My consolation was that the girl next to me fell over too. We exchanged sympathetic glances while picking ourselves off the floor. The girl on the other side of me came within inches of kicking me in the face. Oh, and the guy behind me spent the whole class either talking to himself or sitting on the abandoned nautilus machines lined up against the wall. I think part of my problem was that while I was bending over I kept fixating on all the cat hair stuck to my pants. Black pants + cats = useless battle to look put together.

The True Meaning of Awesome

2006-10-29T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today my dad, my sister and I took the annual trip to the farm to buy Halloween pumpkins and marvel at how cute the llamas are. There was a week or so old baby llama that was all fuzzy and big eared. We picked out our pumpkins, ran through the corn maze, bought some gigantic carrots and headed home.

On the way back we drove past a liquor store that was going out of business. A hand printed sign, obviously written by the hand of God, read "Today Only! All Wine $2.0o!" I don't know that I have ever read such beautiful words and I immediately cut the wheel hard to the right and careened into the parking lot.

The store was mostly empty, but there were still shelves and shelves of $2 wine. I grabbed a cart after momentarily falling to my knees in tearful gratitude. Now usually, $2 wine is, well Boone's Farm or best served in a paper bag. But this was a gold mine of pleasant drinking. I immediately grabbed 3 bottles of Rancho Zabaco Sauvignon Blanc, which is a wine I had just reccommended to someone the other day. Everything else was pretty much a blur of ecstatic disbelief and tears of joy. There was mostly white wine left, but I did get a couple bottles of red, a bordeaux, and some italian wine that I don't know anything about, but figured I could risk the TWO DOLLARS. I got some sparkling wine, a bottle of Dubonnet, and some fume blanc, and, and, and...

I spent a whopping $32 and came out with 17 bottles (!!!) of wine. (They gave me one free. A sommelier's dozen?) I think it's fair to say that this was one of the best bargain finds of the century.

Between this and the PBR finals this week, I am one happy girl.

Hot Diggity! It's Thursday 13!

2006-10-26T08:07:00.000-05:00

13 Outdated Phrases That I Love and Use Without Knowing Exactly What They Mean.

1. Ass over teakettle- As in, falling. Confusing imagery, but fun to say.

2. 23 Skidoo!- I don't think anyone knows exactly what this one means, but it goes well when followed up by dashing off stage right whilst holding a football.

3. Raining fishhooks and hammer handles- Pa said this once in one of the Little House on the Prairie Books, and I just love it. Much more dangerous than “cats and dogs”.

4. See a man about a horse- Wonderful for making a mysterious departure when really, you are just going to the bathroom or something.

5. Dog and Pony Show- Sometimes Cock is just one big dog and pony show. Or one big corporate circle jerk, depending on whom you ask.

6. Bum’s Rush- My mom used to say this, usually apologetically, “I hate to give you the bum’s rush…” Makes me smile.

7. Blow it out your ear- I think Homestar said it, and therefore it may or may not have any actual meaning. Or maybe it’s just a polite way of shoving it up someone’s ass.

8. Nervous as a whore in church- Hee hee.

9. Nerved up- To the point of complete confusion, “I’m so nerved up I don’t know what I’m doing.”

10. Mommy drinks because you cry- What I say to my cats when they won’t shut up.

11. The road to hell is paved with good intentions- Or, coulda, shoulda, woulda.

12. Curse like a longshoreman- Uh, see 1-12.

13. Off the wagon- Me? Never.

Hot Dog! We have a weiner!

2006-10-23T22:59:00.000-05:00

(Or a frankfurter. Sometimes it's hard to tell.)

A while back I entered a contest sponsored by my favorite bourbon. They wanted to hear an adventure story. I forget which adventure I wrote about. It was either the "Hiking Down from Mt. Washington in the Dark Because I Forgot My headlamp in the Car" adventure or the "I am 8 Pitches Up the Side of a Sandstone Pillar and I Have to Pee Like a Fucking Racehorse And There's Not a Goddamn Thing I Can Do About it" epic.

At any rate, as you can see from the congratulatory letter I won 2nd Prize!!! I didn't win the mountain bike (grand prize) but I did get a nifty Bulleit Bourbon Hat. Which I will most likely never wear. (But if I do, I will take pictures)

Thursday 13

2006-10-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

Sunday in the Park With Finn

2006-10-17T20:41:00.000-05:00

You know how when someone is, like, dying everything seems so much more poignant and meaningful? And also sad.

My sister and I took Finn to the vet on Friday because his cancerous tumor had gotten really huge in a very short amount of time. It's growing out of his shoulder like a second head. The vet was cool and honest and told us that there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Not only was the tumor growing extremely quickly, but he had another one on the other side. He's already had surgery twice and it had come back each time and it just doesn't seem fair to make him go through another surgery when the tumor would most likely grow back before his stiches even came out. So, we decided to just let him live out whatever time he had left and not hassle him with anymore vet visits.

The weekend was beautiful and I spent Sunday climbing up at Rumney where I managed to fall off Lonesome Dove (5.10a) AGAIN. Motherfucker. On Sunday, my sister, the King and I all piled into the car and took Finn for a run in Howe State Park. We all had a great time tripping over logs and slipping on fallen leaves. For some reason neither Finn nor myself can resist walking on a fallen log over the water. They are inevitably slippery and one or both of us always manages to get wet.

After drying off, we headed to Dairy Queen for some ice cream and then stopped at the Llama farm. King made the mistake of taking Finn out of the car and all the Llamas raced over to the fence and faced off. Our dog is a lot like a drunk Irish guy (terrier) who doesn't realize that the fight he's about to pick is a really, really bad idea. My sister and I watched in embarassed fascination as Finn barked his stupid head off and the Llamas stood glaring defiantly. Finally, we dragged him back to the car and got out of there.

You know, llamas aren't ones for messing around. I tried to explain to the dog that a lot of sheep ranchers keep llamas because they run off coyotes and that if they could kick a coyote's ass they could most certainly show Finn a thing or two about a thing or two. He was too busy straining at the end of his leash to pay much attention.

Thirteen Things I Really Like

2006-10-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

2006-10-10T21:37:00.000-05:00

REDNECK O'RAMA

Only the best for the Nation.

My Baby's Got Me Locked Up In Chains

2006-10-10T17:19:00.000-05:00

(Unfortunately, that's just a metaphor.)

This weekend was seriously the best weather we've had all year. More like late summer than fall, (except at night when it was like 20 degrees.) Rob, Alissa, Forrest and I hit North Conway on Saturday and Sunday for some primo deluxe climbing. Maybe I'm just a big wuss, but I don't know that I see a reason to lead trad routes tougher than 5.5. Whatever, it's fun, and Rob let me lead the ace pitch on Slabs Direct, and because it was easy there was no need to freak out and realize the potential for death. Yay!

Sunday was another brilliant day. Forrest and I climbed a moderately fun and extremely run out route called Wedge. He ran out 70 meters of rope on the first pitch, and used 2 pieces of gear. I set 2 or so pieces on the second pitch before racing the rest of the way up a blank, but thankfully, low angle face. I managed to misread the route so that I was left with a slightly scary, but thankfully quick, traverse over to the anchor. Forrest lead pitch 3 which was 60 feet straight up to the anchor. There was NO PROTECTION AT ALL. Luckily, it was easy.

Pitch 4 was mine, and while we were collecting ourselves I managed to not talk myself out of leading yet another run out pitch, many many feet up to a bolt and then a traverse over to a gigantic ledge. I left all the gear with Forrest because there was no place to put it anyway, and the less weighed down I was, the better. I warned F. that I was going to climb FAST because I really wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. He said he was ready, and I took the fuck off. About 10 feet into my mad dash up the side of the cliff, Forrest yells up, "Uh, sorry, hang on" and fiddled with the ropes a bit before being able to play out slack. I waited patiently, balanced on pretty much just air, and then took off to finish up. Reached the bolt with no problem, dashed up to a horizontal crack which THANK GOD had an ancient piton stuck in it. I greatfully clipped and and sidled over to the ledge.

The ledge thankfully was huge. There was a shaky looking tree with some old, sun-faded slings tied around it. I eyed them suspiciously, tentatively shook the tree a little bit and as it wobbled back and forth over the side of the ledge, I decided against using it as an anchor. I looked down at my gear loops; one lonely micro cam, a set of teeny stoppers and some tri-cams. Not exactly great anchor-building material. Actually, it was the least appropriate gear for the job. I glanced down, watched the sun glinting off the entire trad rack that Forrest had hanging from his harness and sighed.

Glancing around the ledge, I saw a horizontal crack system in the wall that had, thank you sweet jesus, an old piton hammered into the crack, (not as corroded as the one in the picture). I clipped myself into that and started trying to cobble my paltry gear into the wall to make some semblance of a safe anchor. I got a nice placement for the cam, but everything else was the complete wrong size. After some more fruitless fiddling, I gave up, slung my cordellette into the 2 pieces and belayed Forrest up. I hollered down that the anchor was probably fine but that to be on the safe side, I wouldn't fall on it. Luckily he made it up without incident.

Saturday night, we all camped out in the White Mountain Nationl Forest. We drove a while up a logging road and pulled out into a little clearing on the side of the road. As we were setting up our tents under the light of a full moon and Petzl headlamps, a large pack of coyotes erupted into deafening howls. It was amazing and reminded me just how much I missed that sound. The coyotes kept up their yip-yip-yapping as we snuggled into our sleeping bags and went to sleep.

"I'm going back to the country,
I can't pay the rent.

I ain't broke,
But, brother, I'm badly bent."

13 Articles of Clothing I Am Totally Digging

2006-10-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

1. Old Navy print cotton t-shirts- As I was telling Alissa today, they are super soft and long enough to make my torso go on forever. And a bargain at 5.99!

2. Old Navy open knit sweater- Again, a bargain! Wear it with a contrasting tank top underneath, or if you're feeling supremely edgy, a pretty brassiere. (Just don't complain about being cold!)

3. My beloved Gap boy-cut straight leg jeans, that I thought I would never find. Dark wash, flattering and, dare I say, hip?

4. Black Prana capris- I wear these climbing, for yoga, sleeping, everything short of going to work, really. I wish I had more.

5. Solid color v-neck, super soft Gap T-shirts- I have a couple of these, nice enough to wear to work, yet casual! Also, 4.99!

6. My green "I heart climbing" T-shirt. Nuff said.

7. Black, wool, pleated Gap mini skirt- Cute, sassy, looks great with engineer boots.

8. Kicky red dress. If I weren't so lazy, I would post a pic. But I am lazy.

9. Vintage brown leather jacket- Given to me by Uncle Moneybags years ago when his wife made him get rid of it.

10. Signature red vest with Lake Powell and PBR patches sewn on-I got this in a thrift store in Craig, Colorado for $3, 5 years ago.

11. Black ribbed tank top with silver skulls-purchasd in NYC slightly before the explosion of skulls as mainstream fashion accessories.

12. Pewter belt buckle with bronc rider superimposed on a map of the US with an inscription reading "Rodeo: America's #1 Sport"-Cheyenne, WY, pawn shop, $15

13. Red Puma T-Shirt. (Yes, I know that one is pink. Just imagine it in red) I can sort of pass for hip or trendy. Maybe.

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Unfortunately, My Hips Do Lie

2006-10-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

They told me that circle, circle, shimmy, shimmy, drop would be no problem at all. Now I can barely move. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to NOT wake up in some kind of pain every day. But, you know, swivel, swivel, circle.

I finally got my car back on Friday, all shiny and not dented. And for only $200, not $900, which seems like the bargain of the century, as Ems would say. So, that's good. What's bad is that we noticed some bizarre rusting on the trunk door that needs to be taken care of. Apparently, it's an extremely rare condition that my body guy (whom I want to marry after all he did for me and my stupid car) has only seen like 3 times before. OF COURSE it would happen to my car. Anyway, as I was pondering what it would be like to drive a car with the back door rusted away, Jim told me that it would be around $600 to fix it but that it WAS COVERED BY THE WARRANTY!! So now I am just waiting for some head honcho at Subaru to give it the thumbs up and/or my door to fall off.

I had an exciting day at work today. I had to read and edit a 15 page paper on mercury control and fluidized beds. Are you asleep yet? Or would you like to hear about the rotary atomizer nozzles?

WhySpace

2006-10-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

I've had my share of bizarre experiences with a certain website popular with, well, everyone, these days. This one, however, wins.

I get a message from "dave":
holy crap hello Goddess :) (not edited for clarity)

Then:
you dont remember me?

I reply, "Um, no." (After briefly checking his profile and not Remembering anything of the sort)

"dave":
ugh "donald_dink" ring a bell? :)

Anyone? I'm stumped. And somewhat thankful.

UPDATE (10/4) : you seriously still dont remember me ? :(
Seriously, no.

I don't care how loudly you play the Imperial March, Darth Vader isn't coming

2006-10-01T19:52:00.000-05:00

After sleeping a total of about 45 minutes this past week, I passed out last night for a solid 9 or so hours. I woke up to rain. Inside my bedroom. I had left my window open. (And yet, I was confused as to why I was so cold last night...)

I'm not exactly what one would call "high falutin'" so I will just go ahead and say that "Jackass 2" was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Easily the best 7 bucks I've ever spent. (Sidenote: I got "carded" by the ticket taker, yet noone seemed to object to my LITTLE SISTER seeing an R-rated movie.) I can't remember when I've laughed so hard. (Actually, I do. It was Friday when I came across this.) I don't know if I've ever seen anything as brilliant as "Firehose Rodeo" or "Penny Farthing BMX."

There are times when I find myself faced with an irresistable bargain, and despite knowing that, for example, I don't need a 5th pair of climbing shoes, I just can't pass up a pair of Anasazi's for $40. Reason #437 that the Schooligan is only human.

WTF?

2006-09-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

I've had this totally strange feeling all afternoon.

I feel genuinely happy. Like, can't stop smiling-50% off shoe sale-gin & tonic on a hot day-happy.

Maybe it was breakfast? (Annie's, hash, 4 cups of coffee)
Maybe it's the fact that it's hard to feel down in a kicky red dress. And I'm getting my car back from Subaru tomorrow after 2 weeks.

Oh, and I remembered to take my drugs on time.
Yeah, that's probably it.

Thursday 13

2006-09-28T08:21:00.000-05:00

13 Things I Say Too Often (probably)

1. Oh, for fuck's sake. (thanks Slev.)

2. Seriously.

3. WTF? (I actually say the letters instead of the actual phrase that the letters represent)

4. Just stop. No, really: Just. Stop.

5. My life is a series of illegal left turns.

6. Whoa.

7. I LOVE barbeque.

8. Whatever, I'm a dork.

9. Engineers can't write.

10. There's not enough bourbon in my bourbon.

11. Well, this really sucks.

12. It's fine.

13. No, really, it's fine.

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Power to the yoga

2006-09-26T20:20:00.000-05:00

I had a moment of clarity this morning. Everything just fell into place and made sense. I think it was either the 4 hours of sleep I've been getting this week, or perhaps my dedication to yoga practice. And by dedication I mean ogling the yoga lady's amazing body for an hour.

Seriously, this woman is amazing. She has the right amount of muscle tone and isn't too thin. (And if Fashion Week has taught us anything this year, it's that you can, in fact be too thin.) She also told the most amazingly inspirational yoga story. Apparently she used to weigh 65 pounds more than she does now, and lost the weight by doing yoga like 2 times a week. Is that a sell or what?

I stumbled across a blog today that revealed that I am NOT the only person suffering early onset Seasonal Affective Disorder this year. I mean, seriously, wtf? It's not even October yet, why do I feel like crawling into bed for 6 months? (with a bottle of bourbon) I wonder if replacing the burnt out lightbulbs around my house would help?

Thursday 13

2006-09-21T07:40:00.000-05:00

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All's fair

2006-09-18T20:54:00.000-05:00

A few weekends ago my sister and I were looking for something free to do on a Sunday afternoon and we discovered the Sterling Fair. For a low, low admission price of nothing, we got to watch a tractor pull, see a 600 lb pumpkin, pet goats, rabbits and cows, and fall in love with some draft horses. We also ate the best buffalo wings EVER, but those cost $6. (Still, a bargain.)

I was psyched that my sister was as riveted as I was to the draft horse pulling competition. (I mean, the draft horses were pulling things, not being pulled.) We literally could not tear our selves away from the action, and were heartbroken when our favorites, Bob and Pete, dropped out after 11,200 pounds.

I had an embarassing experience at the pharmacy today. I went in to pick up my prescriptions and when I told the clerk my name he looks at me and says, Hey! You're Devon's sister. I admitted that I was and then immediately thought, Oh god, please don't look at what drugs I'm getting. Now, I know that pharmacy people are supposed to be all discreet and non judgemental, but come on, I would totally check out who was getting what and silently marvel. It's like the postman (or woman) reading postcards, who wouldn't?

As soon as I had that thought, David (according to his tag) came back with my drugs and started ringing them up. He glanced down at the package and leaned toward me and said, Oh, do you have epilepsy too? I blushed and said, No, I had other things wrong with me. David gave a a small smile and said, Oh, I take the same medicine for my epilepsy.

On one hand, I thought I would seem more normal if I did have epilepsy, instead of my own personal mood disorder, but then I also felt sort of bad that I couldn't share a moment of solidarity with the nice epileptic pharmacy clerk. Then I just felt like a huge dork having an awkward conversation with a friend of my brother.

So my sister and I cotten-eyed-Joed back to my car and wondered exactly what had happened to ruin the marriage a long time ago. Stupid Cotton Eyed Joe.

Pyramid Arms

2006-09-06T19:34:00.000-05:00

In an effort to combat my autumn blues, I decided on a course in public humiliation: belly dancing.

The YMCA just started offering a class and I thought, What the hell?
So I went.

Sometimes you don't realize just how uncoordinated you really are until you are forced to thrust your hips in a room of total strangers. I mean, I never thought I was awesome at dancing, but I never realized just how ridiculous I can make myself look. I quickly learned, however, while thrusting and shimmying and attempting to isolate parts of my body that didn't want to be isolated. The good part is that it's the ghetto Y where a large number of members are old, or totally insane and equally out of step.

I think the best part of the class had to be when we lined up against the wall, the GLASS wall that looks out into the cardio area, smooshed our butts on it and attempted to tuck our pelvis underneath us. Yeah.

Still, it was a good workout, I sweated for an hour and woke up with my hips more sore than I ever imagined they could be. And any workout where I can't move the next day has to be good, right?

Excuse me, I must go practice my Snake Arms.

End of Summer

2006-09-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

I hate this time of year. I know that technically it's still summer, but everything is already says "fall". The end of summer makes me unbelievably sad. Even though I have an unbelievably adorable and fuzzy cat in my lap and autumn in New England is unquestionably the best season, I still want to crawl into bed and sleep for 6 months. It's like I can feel my will to live waning with the daylight.

Biscuits and Jam

2006-08-30T20:30:00.000-05:00

Tonight I broke my biscuit and jam diet and roasted a cornish hen. For some reason, I just love those little birds. Maybe they are less intimidating than chickens? I seasoned it with Adobo, black pepper, crushed red pepper, a splash of lemon juice and white wine. And of course about 6 pounds of butter.

It turned out quite well I thought. Ninja showed his agreement by licking his chops and dancing around the kitchen on his hind legs with crispy hen skin stuck to his (gigantic) nose.

Tomorrow work is throwing another lunch time Cock Out. This time, the theme is "Take me out to the BALL game". Oh the things I could say.

And now for some fuzzy cuteness.

Makin Biscuits

2006-08-28T21:43:00.000-05:00

There was this one time in college where I had like nothing to eat and only a box of bisquick in the house (probably there when I moved in), so I ate biscuits for about 4 days straight.

So, you know, there is a certain amount of nostalgia whenever I make them.
Just now, I slathered on butter and blueberry preserves (made by monks!) on an oven fresh biscuit. As I took the first bite, I dripped butter on my toes. Before reaching for a napkin, I looked to see if Ninja was around anywhere, but he was already lapping melted butter off the floor.

I don't know when, but all of a sudden my little kitty turned into a giant panther. Maybe it is just the contrast between him and 33% of Underfoot (the rest is hair, and is at the groomers), but DAMN, if that cat isn't suddenly huge.

Spent the weekend in North Conway with Rob and Scott. We had almost a mini epic climbing Standard Route at Cathedral. Rob was kind enough to minimize my mental breakdown on pitch 2. Scott was kind enough to remind me of the loose block he could very nearly have knocked onto my head. But you know, we followed it all up with Indian food and all's well that ends with paneer.

Sunday morning, after "stealth camping" in the National Forest, Rob and I work up super early to get going on a climb before it rained. As we were driving back down the Forest Service Road, we came around a slight bend and saw A MOOSE! Luckily, it just mosied on down the road and eventually made its way back into the brush. But DAMN, if those things aren't HUGE.

You know those days when you can't stop eating crab rangoons?

2006-08-25T20:44:00.000-05:00

Yeah, me too.

The Thursday 13 That Doesn't Stop

2006-08-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

13 Unforgettable Cayuses

1.When I was 10 I went to horse camp that summer. I was assigned to a bay pony named Sheba. She was kind of difficult and stubborn, but so was I, so we managed to get along just fine. I won my first blue ribbon ever at the camp horse show in a jumping class.

2. I took riding lessons for most of my childhood; my instructor had this horse named Kiowa, a former racehorse, who she was training in dressage. He had this weird habit of scratching his neck with a hind foot like a dog. Well, one time he did this, lost his balance and fell over backwards. On me. Luckily I got mostly out of the way.

3. In college, I rode on the equestrian team. At the stable where we took lessons under the instruction of a bodybuilding dwarf, there was this really cute palomino named Paddington. He was owned by the snottiest girl at the barn before she grew out of him and into a more expensive horse. He was one horse that I felt like I really clicked with and we competed together somewhat successfully.

4. During my 4 years on the team, we competed in shows sponsored by the Intercollegiate Horse Show Association. These horse shows were “unique” (read: CRAZY) in that you would show up at whatever school was hosting the show and randomly be assigned a horse. All the horses had weird behavioral problems. At least the one’s I got. Like Revelry, who spent the entire class dancing sideways and spooking himself when he looked in the mirror that made up one side of the arena. I think I still managed to get 5th place, but probably because they felt sorry for me.

5.Another intercollegiate horse was Toby. He was a small pony. Small in the sense that being 5’7” I looked utterly ridiculous on him. He was also impossibly slow and it took extreme effort to get him to move out of a walk. I must have drawn that horse three times before he died of old age.

6. Also during college, I worked at this barn that offered trail rides. In exchange for guiding and cleaning stalls I got to ride. Every so often I would even make some actual money! Being young, immortal and excited to ride, I was responsible for working all the horses that had issues so that they would one day be safe enough for guests to ride. I also got to ride whatever was leftover when the safe horses were taken. Like Cinnamon, who spent the entire ride either trying to bolt, or turning her head to glare at you while trying to bite your foot, while knocking you into trees. For some reason, everyone at the barn thought I liked this horse.

7. When I worked on the ranch I had the opportunity to fall in love with a number of horses. One such beast was Sweetwater. He was a Morgan and I’m not quite sure what he was doing on a dude ranch, especially since he was a driving horse and pretty green under saddle. On the ground he was an absolute dream to work with. He would come to me from the pasture and then follow me back to the barn without a lead, his head just above my right shoulder. I could touch him anywhere while grooming and he wouldn’t object and stood rock still when being saddled. Once you got on him, it was a whole other animal. He would refuse to leave the barn, and then spend the next 50 yards trying to turn around and run back to the barn. Once safely out of sight of the barn he fuss and fuss and do idiotic things like nearly backing off cliffs and turning in circles for no apparent reason. If you could get him to settle, he was a pretty nice ride. He’d go through water, jump over logs, and race over the trails. And he NEVER. GOT. TIRED. EVER. I sure did though.

8. Homer was another ranch horse, so named because of the HMR brand on him. When you’ve got 70+ head of horses, it’s crucial to give them names you can easily remember, (Red was red, CJ had a CJ brand, and Diamond had a diamond shaped star on his head). From the moment we got him, Homer was something of a loner. The other horses never really bothered with him. So, he liked people attention. He was a real sweet horse, a pleasure to ride and work with, but he was rather accident-prone. He was always coming in with scrapes and scratches from walking into things. Once he managed to get a hoof caught on something and came in bleeding with his fetlock torn open. It was a pretty bad injury and he was out of commission for a while after that one. Poor guy.

9. Cody was another guy I’ll never forget. He was one of the horses we’d use to round up all the others from the pasture and bring them in for the day. Cody was damn good at his job too, weaving and dodging and giving the occasional “move along” nip. This one time, he and I were going after some stragglers when he stepped in a hole, stumbled and sent my flying off over his head. I landed on my butt…in front of every single person on the ranch, who had, for some reason, decided to watch me bring the horses in that morning. It took a while to live that one down. (To our credit, we got back up and got the rest of the stock in, but man, was I hurting.)

10. Red was another special ranch horse. He was completely reliable and calm and good natured. Whenever I had a bad day, I would go out to the pasture and find Red. I’d bring him a treat and he’d eat it and rest his head on my shoulder, or go on grazing quietly while I sat on his back and tried to forget whatever it was that was troubling me.

11. After I moved back to Massachusetts, I worked for a bit with a barn that showed Morgans. I didn’t know that much about saddle seat so it all seemed kind of nuts to me. Anyway, I was a groom for a couple of the big shows out here and I got to spend a lot of times with these guys. One horse in particular totally won me over, PT Son of a Gun. He was a cute little bay horse who seemed a lot more sensible than his barn mates. When you cleaned his stall, you didn’t have to worry about getting crowded into walls, or nipped at, and he always stood quietly through all manner of ridiculous grooming rituals like tail wrapping, hoof sanding, ear clipping and gingering.

12. Technically, Libby is a mule, not a horse, but she’s definitely one of the coolest things on 4 legs. I lived on this farm for a while and the owners boarded horses there, since they had about 10 acres of pasture. One of our neighbors owned this mule, Libby. I would go visit them and scratch her long ears and feed her carrots. Yep, she was stubborn, and probably too smart for her own good, which made keeping her inside her pen something of a challenge. She was really friendly and cute and a treat to ride.

13. Roxy was a pony that I was roped into working with as a favor to one of my neighbors. She had bought this pony for her precocious 6 year old daughter, but the pony wasn’t quite ready for a 6 year old, (read: she didn’t steer, or know basic commands). Somehow it leaked that I knew a little something about horses and I was quickly recruited to help out. I have to say I did have a lot of fun with this pony, even when I was tricked into showing her at a local 4-H thing and looking absolutely ridiculous on this pony. Especially when competing against normal sized horses. To our credit, we did take Reserve Champion in the Green Horse division and a shred of my dignity remained intact.

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Free Pineapple

2006-08-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I went to the annual Clam Chowder Fest in Rutland, MA. It's a thing we do with my grandmother, and it's pretty fun. Except the part where I don't really like chowder all that much, but I don't know how to break it to an 84 year old woman. Last year it was really bad; I went pretty hung over from the night before. Let me just say that there are precious few things that are worse than unlimited clam chowder when you are hung over.

This year, it was pretty much the same, except I didn't feel like I was going to vomit at any second. I had a bunch of chowder and an Orange Crush. In all honesty, I probably had like 7 spoonfuls of chowder, but it felt like so much more. There was one delightful surprise this year to set the festival apart from other years: A Free Pineapple.

Some real estate company was giving them out. I thought I was going to have to get my dad to refinance his house to get one, but they were free for the taking. I managed to grab the 2nd to the last one and my sister and I spent the remainder of the day walking around with it and poking each other with the leaves.

Thursday Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane 13

2006-08-17T09:01:00.000-05:00

13 Things I am Thinking About This Morning

1. You know it's going to be a bad day when you are hitting the M&Ms at 9.30 am.

2. Oooh! These are DARK CHOCOLATE M&Ms.

3. I wish they were Reese's peanut butter cups.

4. I really hate power point.

5. There is no way I am designing a proposal cover that involves a 'fade' (or "gradient" for you techno geeks.)

6. Whatever happened to Kid & Play?

7. Snakes on a Plane opens up tomorrow.

8. I actually want to go see it.

9. I'd love to see it tonight at the Sneak Preview, actually.

10. Last night's episdoe of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" was a real tear jerker. (Dog's daughter died in a car crash on his wedding day.)

11. I can't help it, I love crap TV.

12. Laguna Beach didn't live up to the hype.

13. I still put season 1 on my Netflix queue.

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Mild Annoyances

2006-08-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

Gargamel brought over some lovely dinner tonight, Big Lie brand Shells & Cheese. You know, the kind with the gooey cheese pack instead of the powder. The top shelf macaroni. He had my favorite cashier at the store, Doris, who is this no-nonsense woman who looks down at customers over her glasses and always seems mildly annoyed with everything. My kind of person!

For some reason, Cock has been reeeeeaaalllly getting to me lately. Everyone there is just so socially awkward and irritating. Like the guy who comes by my desk and says things like, "What ARE you drinking?" (It was iced tea, albeit weak looking and in a Poland Springs bottle, but what's it to you?) And then proceeds to hang out for 5 agonizing minutes talking about how he drinks green tea in his Borders travel mug and uses the same tea bag all day and just keeps filling it with hot water, so by the end of the day it's pretty weak, so yeah, tea.

Or Turquiose Sweater Vest who hands me a fax from the machine and tells me it's very important so I had better walk it downstairs to it's recipient right away. For some reason, this man makes every thing he says sound so annoying and is obsessed with all manner of minutia. I cannot stand this man, so when he gave me the fax lecture about how it was so time sensitive (it wasn't) I immediately put it into a time capsule marked "Do not open until 2047".

Later that day he came over to tell me that there is this Italian restaurant in Hopkinton that he and his wife go to, that's nothing special, but it's family owned and either you like it or you don't, you know? Well, up at the cash register they have York Peppermint Patties and everytime he goes in they seem to be getting more expensive. Last time he was there they were up to TEN CENTS, but he just has to have one after his meal. You know?

"the fall I've known was possible but not yet experienced"

2006-08-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, anchored in at the top of the 2nd pitch of Beginner's Route on Whitehorse, I thought, "Why exactly do I like climbing? It's kind of dangerous when you think about it." I looked towards the ground, a couple hundred feet down from where I was tethered to the rock by a couple yards of synthetic fabric (granted, it was Dyneema, the strongest fabric ON EARTH) and realized that I had no idea why I was up there but that I was having the time of my life.

On Sunday, my feelings were a bit different.

Forrest suggested that we do Inferno, a 5.8 four pitch route on the South Buttress. I agreed because I'm affable that way, and also because Forrest was going to be leading the hard pitches. In retrospect, we should have regarded the arduous scramble to the base of the climb as a bad sign. But you know, that hindsight, it's 20/20.

I knew from the start, just by the way he was climbing, that Forrest was uneasy. And right before it happened, I knew he was going to fall:

"After traversing over to the very large flake/crack under a right-leaning arch, I was able to set a red Camalot, with a dbl-lenght sling and then tried to pull over the horn, I took it as a layback, stemmed and was trying to surmount the horn when I slipped.

From my sketchy memory and talking on the phone to 'Tom' who'd been leading "Lost Souls" off to our right, I believe this is what happened:

The initial fall was about 16 feet (I was 5 feet above the cam and had a 3 ft runner attached). Somewhere around 12+ feet of fall I hit a small ledge with my left thigh/hip/knee, that seems to have spun me upside down (remember that vividly!) and wound up about 30 feet below the gear, so there was probably some slack due to the route-wander and there was about 110 feet of rope out to stretch. (Tom says the first impact was on my back/backpack on a ledge, but I'm quite certain that's was a second-bounce ... he was focusing on a .10+ lead and not looking at me untill I'd screamed on the way down.) I actually fell inside the loop of the black rope.

I self-assessed, knew that my hip was gonna be painful for awhile but that nothing was broken and I was ok if very shaky. I pulled over to a cam behind a flake, clipped into that, assurred people I was OK and worked out how to get down. I untied the Green line, which was wrapped around Black, re-tied and asked Jess to lower me off as I cleaned the gear on the lower 2/3 of the pitch. The left hip was clearly too painful to climb back up to retreive the intermediate pieces, Tom offered to get the gear on their rappel, and was able to get everything but the Camalot at the top -- free to me, found on WG last year, so that's fine. On the subject of gear, nothing pulled, while I was pretty sketched by the route, the placements were all bomber.

I was really shaky after getting off the route, I've been sketched often enough but this fall was the first time on rock I've been terrified, there was a moment of tears before getting back to the business of getting off."

Terrified only begins to describe what it feels like to watch your partner plummet off and smack soundly into the rock, knowing that you've got him loacked of, but that there is enough rope out that you can't actually stop the fall any sooner than the laws of physics allow.

This wasn't one of those whooping sport whips that are more of a thrill than a danger. This was the kind of fall that has the potential for serious consequences, and even though once you get down and recover you'll recount the story to all your buddies, you still know that flash of genuine terror that screams, I COULD HAVE DIED.

Or in my case, I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.

That's the part that really keeps my insides churning; the knowledge that had I for a split second looked away, or let my attention lapse I could have let someone fall to their death. I didn't, of course, but that's the reality of this sport, that it's really and truly dangerous and despite all the precautions you take and the safety measures you employ, at the end of the day, it's still a risky sport.

~~But we're climbers; it's what we do.~~

In other news, I had breakfast with Boulder today. He's off the AT nursing a broken foot and came down to Worcester this weekend. We met at Annie's and had a nice time drinking coffee and eating hash like we used to before he gave "real life" the big middle finger and became a full time hiker. It was great seeing him again and he looks great, and seems really happy despite the Robocop looking cast on his foot. He still hopes to finish the trail before winter. But first there is french toast to be eaten and old friends to catch up with.

2006-08-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

Thirteen Historical Events/Personalities that I am Strangely Obsessed With

1. The Hindenburg Disaster, May 6, 1937. I have a recurring nightmare that I am a passenger aboard the ill-fated dirigible. You can see a video clip of the crash here.

2. The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire, March 12, 1911. I saw a TERRIBLE movie about it once, that, although terrible, was really scary. And also sad.

3. Coconut Grove Nightclub Fire, November 28, 1942. Occured in Boston. The first time I heard the story, from an elementary school teacher I think, I was immediately fascinated and horrified. Apparently I have a thing about fires.

4. The Donner Party, Winter 1846-1847. I am also obsessed with and repulsed by cannibalism. There is a PBS docu. on the DP that FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT when I saw it. I thought it was easily the creepiest historical documentary ever.

5. 1996 Everest Expedition- I've read all the accounts I can get my hands on, Krakauer, Boukreev, Bershears, and Lene Gammelgaard, and am continually fascinated. Of course, you might say, I like climbing, so obviously I'd be into Everest. Except that I have NO DESIRE to go anywhere near Everest. It just seems like the most miserable experience ever. No thanks.

6. Queen Mary I- "Bloody Mary" the daughter of Catherine of Aragon and Henry VIII was totally cheated out of the throne and when she finally became queen she promptly had hundreds of people burned at the stake. You know, to restore the Catholic Church.

7. Henry VIII- Yes, I have to put him up here too. Bust mostly because he went crazy with that whole Anne Boleyn et. al thing and became paranoid and grossly fat. So fat that his bed was 4 meters wide and required a pulley system to get him in and out of it.

8. In speaking of fat leaders,William Howard Taft was America's fattest president. Apparently he got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to have a bigger one installed. Regardless of weight, Taft is my favorite president.

9. Frank Morris and John & Clarence Anglin- The attempted to escape from Alcatraz on JUne 12, 1962 and their bodies were never recovered. The FBI lists them as "missing, presumed dead". I have to say that Alcatraz is one of the creepiest places I've been to. And almost entirely covered in bird shit.

10. The Rosenberg Executions, June 19, 1953- The idea of death by electrocution totally creeps me out.

11. Herman Melville's letters to Nathanial Hawthorne c. 1851- There is a whole collection of letters that Melville wrote to Hawthorne, but for some reason, there are no surviving letters from Hawthorne to Melville. His letters always made me feel as though Hawthorne was the popular kid and Melville was constantly bugging him to be friends. Or maybe he had a wee crush on Hawthorne. Anyway, I have a soft spot for old Herman. And his beard.

12. The Mayans- And their obsession with time, and the Dresden Codex, and especially the theory that they predicted the end of the world for December 21, 2012. Only 6 more years. I better get busy.

13. The Salem Witch Trials- Teenage girls are SO EVIL. Of course, I can't exactly blame people for becoming hysterical. I mean, what the hell else was going on in Salem in 1692? Stupid Puritans.

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Progress

2006-08-08T19:12:00.000-05:00

I have graduated from mashed potatoes to tater tots.

Invasion of the Schooligan Snatchers

2006-08-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would say this but... I think I'm sick of ice cream.

Morgan brought me home a new vanilla Frosty from Wendy's yesterday to help soothe my sore mouth. It was delicious. And about the only thing I could eat, what with the hurt and the not being able to open my mouth wider than required to insert the tip of a spoon. Later that night I went out to get some edibles that didn't require chewing, applesauce, pudding and Jello Pudding Pops.

I ended up rejecting the applesauce (bits of apple that required chewing) and the pudding (for some dumbass reason, I got rice pudding, forgetting that bits of rice would be magnetically drawn to the gaping holes in my mouth) and trying to make dinner of of pudding pops. Pudding pops that didn't quite fit in my mouth because I couldn't open it more than a millimeter.

Hopelessly unsatisfying.

Today, feeling a bit better, and with the left side of my face looking much more normal and pain that was bearable with 3 tylenol every 4 hours, I branched out and tried to eat things that were a little more solid. Like instant mashed potaoes. With melted cheese.

Currently I feel a bit starchy. But as far as I can tell, there's no food stuck in my tooth holes.

I'd rather have teeth pulled

2006-08-03T19:12:00.000-05:00

I had a dentist appointment this week. I had prepared by flossing EVERY DAY... for the week preceeding my visit. Years ago I had gotten 2 of my wisdom teeth out as part of a clinical study. I got an experimental pain medicine and $300. I was a lot better off than the kid who got the placebo. Anyway, I only got 2 teeth out because they were only extracting impacted wisdom teeth, and my other 2 were fully erupted. (Too bad because then I would have gotten another $300.) Since then I've not really thought about them too much, mostly because of my lack of insurance. Until Wednesday when I learned it was time for the other 2 to come out.

Post op: Oh my god. Let's just say that Dr. Chen is a very kind man. Despite weilding all manner of horrid objects and assaulting my poor mouth.

Honestly, I don't remember the other 2 teeth being this bad. Of course, $300 probably clouds my memory somewhat. This time I had to pay money, $95 in fact, which seemed like a bargain at the time.

Apparently I am a very sensitive indivdual, as evidence by the multitude of shots required to numb my mouth. Dr. Chen said that it also contains a small amount of epinephrine, which was probably why I sweated through my clothes and twitched while my heart raced. Then I felt nausesous. Then the Dr. began digging and prying around in my mouth, stopping several times to get more terrifying instruments and to shoot more anesthetic into me.

Why have we progressed so far in other areas of medicine, yet dentistry is still performed in a civil war like fashion? I don't know that there is anything worse than the sound of creaking and breaking teeth. Dr. Chen assured me it had nothing to do with my teeth and was just the sound of the instruments, but as far as I'm concerned, my teeth were screaming.

It took ages for the friggin teeth to come out. Seriously, for-fucking-ever. But after about 30 years, we were done. And now, all I can think about is how hungry I am and all the things that I can't eat because I can't open my mouth because the left side of my face is swollen.

But at least I don't have to go to work.

I don't even know why I'm surprised by this

2006-08-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

I was reading some articles for work about Mercury Polution and reduction required by power plants, and came across the Bush Administration's Mercury Rule of 2005 which aims to reduce Mercury emissions substantially by 2010. However, the law allows utilities to either lower their Mercury emissions OR purchase credits from other plants that have made more drastic cuts. This system is the cheapest and fastest way to reduce Mercury emissions... without actually doing any widespread reducing.

The Time of Year Where I'm Cruel to Be Kind

2006-07-31T21:14:00.000-05:00

I took Underfoot to the groomer to get her yearly haircut, and to strip her completely of dignity. I swear, everytime I do this she comes back looking even more ridiculous than the last time. And also 66% smaller. But honestly, look at that tail! I am a bad bad person.

Ninja agrees with me.

The Thing I Really Hate About PMS

2006-07-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

Is how it convinces me that it's ok to eat a Twix bar AND THEN go and get an Italian Chicken sandwich from Burger King. Oh, and the headaches.

My job has been annoying me so much lately. Specifically, the guy who mumbles and doesn't finish his sentences and then somehow expects me to know what the hell he wants. (Sidenote: I usually DO know what he wants, or hope that he forgets about whatever it was he asked me, which happens pretty frequently. Thank god.)

Last night I played a game of Pictionary where I was supposed to draw JIMMY CARTER. How the hell does one draw Jimmy Carter?

Thursday 13

2006-07-20T07:49:00.000-05:00

13 Things I Will Never Stop Eating Even Though They Are NOT Good For Me

1. Cheeseburgers

2. French Fries

3. Onion Rings, especially beer batter.

4. Ice Cream, especially with candy pieces mixed in.

5. Peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. Hey, it's my state sandwich!

6. Chinese take-out. Oh General Gau, how you seduce me.

7. Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich. Why is it not available ALL THE TIME? (Although, I should have my heart and thighs send a thank you note for that.)

8. Snickers bars. They really do satisfy me.

9. Nachos. Especially the one chip that has ALL THE CHEESE on it.

10. Diet Coke. No, I don't care that it's poison.

11. Pie. All varieties. Especially when the crust is made of lard.

12. Cookies. Especially the M&M ones from Shaw's.

13. Swedish Fish. Oh Lord.

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Everyday is like survival; you're my lover not my rival

2006-07-18T21:06:00.000-05:00

Under the files of it's officially too hot is: TODAY.

Although I have to say that last night's decision to put in the air conditioner was, in fact, a sound one. I woke up to Ninja curled up around my feet instead of flopped liquidly on the kitchen floor.

I spent the majority reading this insane blog that I somehow stumbled across. Crazy to the Maxx. This woman is ENRAGED because she sometimes gets overcharged FOUR CENTS and doesn't get anything for FREE. And only an "I'm sorry." Also, she has a very detailed list of rules for how she expects to be served at a bar, like not talking to another cutomer while making her White Russian. I couldn't stop reading. I still can't. FOUR CENTS!!!

My life is a series of illegal left turns

2006-07-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

Often on Mass Ave. in Boston.

This weekend Mike H., (I have to specify as there are about 345832782 Mikes in my social circle) Ben and I went climbing. Or rather we tried to climb and instead got disgustingly hot and ravaged by mosquitos for a few hours before going to the beach. We ended up in Manchester-by-the-Sea, (I can't stop saying that out loud) where we found free parking and managed to sneak onto the beach undetected and thereby avoiding the $5 admission fee. Stealthy and cheap! Or more accurately, we just walked by the attendant who looked at us quizzically for a second before returning his attention to the people who were paying.

It was blazingly hot. So hot that we almost melted before we could dive headfirst into the ocean, which was about 8 degrees. But oh so refreshing. We slathered on some of Ben's "factor 50" which prevented me from getting a terrible sunburn, and had I reapplied it, would have prevented me from getting a minor sunburn as well, and spent the afternoon lazing about and talking about nothing with some of Ben's co-workers (one of whom is another Mike and who we used to climb with when he climbed; he is curently either retired or on sabbatical, tbd.) and snacking. It was such a lovely afternoon I forgot all about the mosquito bites and sweaty attempts at climbing. Success!

I have been spending a good amount of time at the beach lately. I was at the Cape last week with my family for the annual Family Fish Fry and Hearts For Blood Card Tournament. Morgan and I also fulfilled a longstanding dream to have tea at the Dunbar Tea House. It was everything we had hoped for: finger sandwiches, scones, tea cozies and bitchy women of a certain age. Luckily for us, Morgan had recently watched a show on the Travel Channel on how to have tea and not appear gauche, so we knew to eat from the bottom up on, take small bites and save the chocolate for last. I enjoyed some really lovely aged Stilton and slathered everything in strawberry jam. Mmmmmm. Sticky.

Back. And as lame as ever.

2006-07-17T10:48:00.000-05:00

Life Experiences Meme

Bold the ones you've done..

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (When haven't I done this?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing (I know, can you believe it?)
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (Hell no!)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents (actually, Mom was cremated...)
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children.
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (Not the whole thing...)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read. (Uh, yeah. All the time.)
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions (But I don't seem to have any.)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life (If you count stopping Emily from getting hit by a cab, then yes.)