Giving Starbucks the Big Middle Finger

You know, by getting my gingerbread latte at Dunkin Donuts for ½ the price and in about ¼ the time. Yes, yes, venti breve ristretto, blah blah blah. Whatever.

You’d think with all the holiday themed drinks I’ve been consuming that I would be on top of Christmas. This is not the case. Actually, I had not even realized that Christmas was coming until I looked at the calendar last Friday and saw that it was a week away. So, my sister and I threw ourselves into a shopping frenzy only coming to our senses when we realized we were about to buy the most ridiculous presents EVER. Who the hell wants black licorice allsorts for Christmas? Answer: No One.
(Except maybe these people. Who are decidedly NOT on our list.)

I debated the idea of Getting a Christmas Tree vs. Not Getting a Christmas Tree. I was inclined to go with “Not” because the damn thing would only be up for a week. Then I thought, Who the hell am I kidding? Knowing me, I’ll leave the damn thing up until March.

Enter Ernie’s Discount Trees. While driving back from a disappointing trip to the Christmas Barn where all the good ornaments had been bought by the TOUR BUS full of old people that got there ahead of us, we spied a wee Christmas Tree stand on the side of the road. I was determined not to spend more than $10 on a tree, $15 max. so “Discount Trees” seemed like a good place to stop.

Ernie (we are guessing, unless he is operating under false pretenses) greeted us and said, Any tree, $10. Perfect! We picked out a small, slightly pathetic looking tree, although not the Charlie Brown-est tree. I feel strangely sad for the sad looking trees with sparse branches and falling needles, but apparently not THAT sad, as I opted for a slightly better (but not much) class of tree.

We exchanged a few pleasantries with Ernie and he chainsawed off the bottom of our tree (which I should so totally fireproof except I have no idea what “chelated iron” is.*) and expertly loaded it into the back of my car (now upholstered with needles) explaining, “I’ve been doing this since before you were born.” I don’t doubt it.

My sister and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get the tree to stand up straight. We were unsuccessful and the tree leans in a slightly disconcerting way. It looked like it might topple over into the center of the living room, so we turned it around so that it’s leaning more toward the wall. Feng Tree Sway? Whatever.