Perpetuating the myth

"Ok, so we just happen to show up at the coffee shop, looking completely fabulous, where Shifty is playing tonight..."
"Right. And I pretend that I just happen to be driving around listening to sea shanties on my iPod."
"Awesome."

Nautical, But Naked

Topic of today's group information session.

You know those nightmares where you realize you are in school/at work/speaking at the UN and totally naked? On the same theme, I have this paranoid fear of trying on clothes in store dressing rooms and then forgetting to put my pants back on and walking out into the store pantless. I've never actually done this. Or even come close. But I worry about it. A lot.

Today I had to give an information session to a group of prospective students and parents. Of course I was freaked out because the last (and first) time I had given one was over a month ago and surely I had forgotten everything I ever knew about Clark in that time.

Also, I realized that the pants I am wearing today make me feel naked.

I mean, they are just black, cropped pants (like pretty much ALL my pants) but the key difference is that they actually FIT me. I almost never buy clothes that actually fit. Mostly because they haven't made clothes to fit my body in at least 30 years. But also because I worry that if I buy clothes that fit I will gain weight or something and then they won't fit and I will be down one pair of pants. So I buy things that are too big. And then I buy a lot of belts.

So, I had on my naked pants and my nautical-themed shoes (which are the most awesome shoes EVER) and a striped shirt and my anchor/ship's wheel necklace that my (awesome) sister got me and a room full of people who were only mildly interested in what I had to say. And half of whom left early. And the rest of whom didn't find any of my "jokes" even remotely funny.

Sigh.

Must go home and cobble together a pizza in a (probably) hopeless attempt to redeem myself after the Great Paella/Biscuit Disaster of Last Weekend.

Answer: Who says Percherons can't pull?

Question: How do you start a bottle fight at the Sterling fair?

This Sunday, my sister and the lovely Serena (adjunct family member) and I went to the Sterling Fair. I like this fair for many reasons, the least of which is not that it's totally free. Prizewinning vegetables + ample amounts of fried food = One really great time. (Insider's tip: When assembling your vegetable cornucopia, make sure your cucumbers are the proper size. The judges this year were totally frowning on over sized cukes.)

I may have been born in Worcester, but I am totally a down home girl at heart. There's nothing like some draft horse competition and cute boys with Skoal rings on their pockets to make me want to grip a piece of hay in my teeth and sheepishly kick a dirt clod with the toe of my boot.

Categorizing People Isn't Something We Do In the Buffet Line

Today was the "Fall Kick Off" reception at President Bassett's house. I pretty much went for the free beer. And hors d'oeuvres. I had sort of forgotten that I would have to mingle. With professors that I had like 10 years ago who totally didn't remember me.

I did meet a cute English professor who mistakenly sampled a beet and watercress appetizer. And a guy who ALSO likes olde tymey baseball and penny farthings. And another native-Worcesterite who has no accent. Oh, and I didn't drink or eat too much or say anything stupid to the President. A rousing success!!

I did however agree to run a 5k in September. But I did that BEFORE I started drinking, so I must just be a colossal idiot. Instead of a drunken idiot. Shit.

The Object of My Affection

Is either in the glass in front of me (gin) or on my lap (Underfoot).



Ok, so I have been working at Clark for about 2 weeks now. I only feel vaguely more knowledgable than when I started. But lucky for me, no one seems to notice.



Actually, I am really liking my new gig. I feel, for the first time EVER, like I did something positive career wise. It still doesn't quite seem real. I work with people my own age! I make decisions! I have no time to research weird things on the internet!



Ok, well, today I had a little time between 4:30 and 5, and suddenly remembered the live action Popeye movie with Robin Williams and Shelly Duval circa 1980. So I went to IMBD and looked that up. Man, what a kick ass movie. I mean, when I was like, 4, it was my absolute favorite! I decided to put it on my Netflix queue, but am sort of scared that watching it at age much-older-than-4 that it just won't be the same.

The Tax Man: You just docked?
Popeye: I has.
The Tax Man: Ah ha, let's see here, that'll be 25¢ docking tax.
Popeye: What for?
The Tax Man: Where's your sea craft?
Popeye: It ain't no sea craft, it's me dinghy and it's under the wharf.
The Tax Man: Ah ha. ahh-ha. This your goods?
Popeye: They is.
The Tax Man: Yeah. You're new in town right?
Popeye: If you call this a town, yes.
The Tax Man: Well, first of all, there's 17¢ new-in-town tax, and there's 45¢ rowboat-under-the-wharf tax, and one dollar leaving-your-junk-lying-around-the-wharf tax, so all together, you owe the Commodore $1.87.
Popeye: Uh, who's this Commodore?
The Tax Man: Is that the nature of question? There's a nickel question tax.

Brilliant, no?

People at the (yoga) party hot hot hot!!!

Yes, I know that it's better to yoga in a warmer room because it keeps your muscles loose and what not. But I also know that it's impossible for me to concentrate on my breathing when I am sweating so much that it looks like I peed my pants.

Honestly. Can it plz be gin and tonick time now?
Kthxbai.

Thursday 13

The only 13 songs I listen to on my iPod.

1. Do You Want To- Franz Ferdinand
2. Down the Old Plank Road- The Chieftans
3. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Parton
4. Sugar, We're Going Down- Fall Out Boy (aka the "Looliorah" song)
5. I'm Money- Zebrahead
6. Bonnie Taylor Shakedown- HelloGoodbye
7. Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
8. She's a Rebel- GreenDay
9. Bojangles- Pit Bull
10. Pass that Dutch- Missy Eliott
11. God's Gonna Cut You Down- Johnny Cash
12. Devastation Wagon- Frantic Flattops
13. Man of Constant Sorrow- The Soggy Bottom Boys

Bedroom eyes are easier if you have bangs or if you are a llama

I finally got a haircut on Saturday. Yes, finally. I FINALLY have non-embarassing hair. I was at that point where you almost don't want to go to a salon because you know they will be looking at your 4 inch roots and give you a "What the hell were you thinking?" look and then pick up a limp strand and say something about "We've got a LOT of work ahead of us."

I guess I have mixed feelings about judgemental hair stylists. On the one hand, I KNOW I look terrible, I don't need to pay someone $60 to remind me. But on the other hand, I want them to be judgemental and make me look good. As in, the opposite of how I look when I walked in.

I get the same way only worse when it comes to bikini waxes. I mean, I can't afford to go every 4 weeks like I am "supposed to", but then when I let it go too long (hahaha) I feel extremely self concious. I mean, even more self conscious then I usually feel while a Russian woman is yanking out my pubic hair. Luckily, Svetlana doesn't say anything. Possibly because she doesn't know that much English. Or maybe she's just being nice because of that time I let Anya watch and practice her waxing technique on my crotch. You know, the more the merrier.

Which was the theme of Alissa and The Schooligan's Birthday Extravaganza 2007. It totally turned out great though, in spite of my utter and complete lack of organizational skills. Perhaps they were cancelled out by Sangria. Even though I initially wanted to ignore the whole birthday all together (I'm 29, wtf?) I'm glad we ended up at a great restaurant surrounded by people we love and who don't mind me picking food directly off their plates.

It was super nice out today, so I went to the petting zoo on my lunch break. A llama tried to steal my iced coffee and a goat tried to eat my dress. There were some children there, but unfortunately luckily none of them got head butted by over zealous goats.

Much more incriminating than Thursday 13

My google search history.

23 skidoo
Veloute
wasabi mashed potatoes
american gem society
pseudocyesis
funnycide
Rochom P'nieng
inherited hammertoe
complaints about subway sandwich
shocking truths
white chocolate
big dipper
mathematical theorems
being poor is your own fault
New yorkers are ridiculous
Fra Browning
Family in oregon stranded
johnny cash middle finger
cheap trip to Kentucky derby
blood pressure
Delaware emission limits for coal fired power plants
paso corto
calories in cheese omelet
hip haircuts
riesling
kibbee
patrick Deuel
glockenspiel
walnut
abdominal migraine
zodiac killer
god rest ye merry gentlemen
history of candy bars
modern pyramid schemes
claymoore
garrote
Uninvited game reviews
chelated iron
fireproof christmas tree
old fashioned licorice all sorts
What's the fuss over TMX Elmo?
Is the shroud of turin fake?
Tenzig Norgay
plaid fur lined hat with ear flaps
canine liver shunt
petite four
fung was bus disaster
stikfas
medical quakery
william howard taft
Sopron dog yard
Luke perry in 2006
Sport team rivalry
What's the difference between William Henry Harrison and James Garfield?
Ass over teakettle
T is for Texas
Teens bake puppy in oven
rasputin stout
causes of tinnitus
copper allergy
meniere's disease
SDA virus
exploding stomach from over eating
co-morbid anxiety
interrobang
I hate the schooligan
Syrian Rye
Running shoes make my feet numb
desert aisha plusie
schadenfreude
living with morbid obesity
totenkopf
chloe the pitbull
urim and thummim
#10 envelope
subaru recall
how to spot fake gucci
absolute zero
Alice Hoffman
islands near puerto rico
giant underpants
children misbehaving at restaurants
drill hole in head
periodic limb movement disorder
arrow through head
free things to do in columbus, OH
pizza bites
gunga din
aspartame will kill you
real estate cody, wy
family circus sucks
beauceron
vice versa
Nembutal
self important conversation
Ramadan 2007
Fill & drain hose coupler assembly
TJX security breach
attuned eating
Cruel Girl Jeans
beriberi
Camp Wind in the Pines
Russian Moose Farm
folliculosis
out of control binging
How to fold large pieces of paper
Anthony Bourdain
Bone marrow donation
glenlivet natural Scotch whisky
How tall is Beth Rodden?
Wilted spinach
How to cut emo bangs
homozygous proven stallion
rachel ray meatloaf muffins
cat eye syndrome
diverticulitis
mahi mahi recipe
Starbucks 9/11
Leland Olds air permit
Morgellons
Siberian Cat
English bull dog problems
Yom kippur
lumbago
rusty cage
oleana
cant touch this lyrics
can ducks throw up
gurney
Duke Belews Creek
balancing moonflower
phonics
raw seal fat
sopapilla
honey dew donuts
cervical punch
world's smallest horse
whiskey on the rocks and a quarter for the juke box
quid pro quo
when was shake and bake invented?
mock apple pie
ways to lose your driver's license
momo syndrome
obesity crisis in america
what is a placket
chiropractors on crystal meth
blueberry cobbler
BLM horses
ring bone
Dog chapman arrested
little yellow jacket
cotton eye
hell house
Gerald Gentleman station
Deval Patrick
Children who are difficult to toilet train
behind these hazel eyes
spontaneous lactose intolerance
museum of russian icons

I'm in Love with Dylan McKay

No, really. The first season of 90210 came out on DVD (finally!) this month and OF COURSE I sent it straight to the top of my Netflix queue, I mean if there is any show that is representative of my generation this would have to be it. Even when they all got old and involved in ridiculous plotlines (Um, Dylan's sister Erica is a crack whore?)

Last night I watched the episode where Dylan and Brenda go out for the first time after he freaks out because his dad is all sketchy and Jim Walsh (who, like Slevs said, seems to spend the entire first season wandering around looking baffled.) is all, "I don't like that Dylan. His dad is being indicted for securities fraud." (Ok, I don't even know what securities fraud is. It makes no more sense to me that it did in 1990. All I know is that it is BAD and involves lots of money. And a witness protection program.) Anyway, it was like being 14 again, because Luke Perry IS SO HOTTT, and I was all *sigh* and "I wish I could go out with Dylan McKay." Which brings up the question of, What the hell is Luke Perry doing these days? I mean after his rollicking success in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (not as good as the TV show) and one of my most embarassing favorite movies (right up there with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) 8 Seconds where he plays the ill-fated bull rider Lane
Frost (based on a true story).
If you haven't seen this movie, please do. If only to watch the cowboy wedding scene (Luke Perry wearing a STRING TIE!*)

Update: Apparently he was in a terrible movie in 2005 and is vaguely upset by the African HIV situation. He's also doing an HBO series by the guy who did Deadwood, and therefore has the potential to not suck. SHIT!

*Yes, I know it's called a BOLO, but STRING TIE is so much funnerer to say. When I waited tables at the dude ranch I had to wear one. The King got me a special one for my birthday that had a gigantic western saddle. STRING TIE!