A Brief Moment of Silence

On this day in 1965, Pop Tarts were created.

Now we return to our regularly scheduled time wasting.

I recently decided that with The Commodore lost at sea, it was my duty to revive seersucker.
I mean, any staple of southern gentlemen is all right by me!

In speaking of wardrobe, a lady that I work with stopped me last week to comment on my striped tights (worn under grey cropped pants). She said, "You look like..."
"A pirate?", I offered hopefully.
"An oompa loompa."
Now, admittedly, I may have an astonishing haircut, but I am by no means knee high. Nor do I accept payment in candy. (Though I have considered it in more desperate times.) And for fuck's sake, this woman has been wearing STIRRUP PANTS almost continuously since the mid-90's. I hardly feel as though she is in any position to comment on anyone else's outfit.

Oh, and I DID win the office Apple Pie Smackdown. Someone asked the secret to my filling: just a touch of bourbon. Oh, and 3/4 c. of heavy cream. 'Tis the season!

I was warned about Brockton

I had a college fair in Brockton today. I thought it was Braintree for a while. Mostly because I think Braintree might actually be the best name for a town. I mean, come on! Brain Tree!

Unfortunately, it was not. It was Brockton, which Scott described to me as "kind of awful". It kind of was. At least the college fair.

Did you know that Brockton high school has around 4000 kids? And it's the 2nd largest high school east of the Mississippi? True fact! At least according to the chick from Curry College who was at the table next to me.

So, the only kids who talked to me besides the ones who thought I was "Clark Atlanta"? One was blind (admittedly not her fault and I am sure she's an amazing student) and the other hadn't taken her SATs yet. Sigh.

Letter to Albuquerque

Dear Albuquerque,

You and I kind of got off to a bad start. With that whole delayed flight from Denver, which was totally Denver's fault-with the bad weather and all. But Denver and I have a long and complicated history and no matter what happens, I will always hold a special place in my heart for CO.

Anyway, getting there late and coming within mere seconds of being stranded at the rental car counter didn't really do much to endear me to you. Neither did the whole fiasco with the hotel, although that did turn out well when I got my palatial corner room (albeit with no bed, just a pull out sofa. Or more correctly 3 pull out sofas. And a fantastic shower!). Oh, and that "joke" with the missing package? Not funny.

The college fair was pretty good, except just so you know, charging the admissions reps for snacks and beverages? TACKY! It was nice to be done at 3:oo though and have the afternoon to myself. Chapman and I did have quite a nice walk to Old Town. I never would have thought to put the PRISON right near the convention center, but good for you! It's a nice touch.

The awesome old guy at the ice cream shoppe was a nice surprise as well. Of course, he is originally from Colorado, so you only get partial credit. But that malt was pretty damn good.

One more thing, that whole rule about no alcohol within so many feet from a church? Not so much. And I'm from Massachusetts where you can't do anything fun. Ever.

So, Albuquerque, I don't have a whole lot to say about you, but I do appreciate the FREE WIRELESS at the airport. That part is awesome!

Two things I will not miss about working here

(D-bag edition)

My coworkers took me out to lunch yesterday. At the Sole Proprietor (fancy-pants fish restaurant) no less. So much awsum!!!11!one!! I was actually surprised that they were all so misty-eyed at my upcoming departure. I was also surprised that they kept wanting to talk about climbing.

I was not, however, surprised that TSV made the following comments to me:
TSV: I'm really surprised you are eating bacon.
Me: delicately nibbling my bacon wrapped scallops Are you kidding me? Why is that surprising? (*note: I will eat practically anything wrapped in bacon.)
TSV: Well, I just thought you were healthier than that.
Me: thinking And I thought we could get through lunch without you making some jackass comment.

Later on that day, at around 4:58 pm to be exact, another coworker (who I genuinely like and who surprised me with his douchebaggery) came over to chat with me about me leaving. I had to explain, yet again, where I was going and what I am doing. ("So, you are the Assistant to the Director of Admissions?" "No, I AM the Assistant Director") Then he gets into a long winded and hopelessly irritating conversation about his son and the value of a college education that goes something like this:
Him: Yeah, so it's really important to have a college degree these days.
Me: Mmmhmm (looking at clock)
Him: Do YOU have a 4 year degree?
Me: Yes
Him: My son didn't want to go to college, blah blah blah, I told him he really needs to get a 4 year degree in this day and age to be able to blah blah blah, I mean, even a degree in English would be better than nothing!
Me: HEY!
Him: Oh. Is that what you have a degree in?
Me: Yes.
Him: *turns red*

For the last time people, WE CAN'T ALL BE ENGINEERS!!!

The Height of Sophistication

Last year I had a page-a-day calendar from "The Joy of Cooking" (but only because I could not find my usual Edward Gorey variety) and every day there would be a fun fact about food, a recipe or when the day was particularly lame, a quote vaguely related to food. I kept the pages in a stack on my desk to use as scrap paper and while I was making a to-do list I re-discovered the "Waldorf Salad".

According to the calendar, in the early 1900's mayonaise combined with celery and apples was "The Height of Sophistication." (The walnuts and grapes came later, THANK GOD.) Or you could make it child friendly with mini marshmallows.

You know how I feel about mayonnaise (the devil's ketchup), so can I just say, What The Fuck? This has got to be the grossest interpretation of "salad" ever. Mayonnaise? Walnuts? Fucking marshmallows? Was it a joke? Tell me it was a joke played on rich New Yorkers, "Ha ha ha. They'll eat ANYTHING! Throw in some more celery boys! Don't forget the red grapes. Oh, and what the hell, leave the SEEDS IN THEM!"

My local sunday paper has a section called "Happy Times" where kids write essays on various topics and get them published in the paper. Right next to Ziggy. Awesome. This week's topic was "If I had a time machine..." Pretty much all the kids would travel back to Ancient Egypt to watch the pyramids being built (hope they have a few decades with nothing to do) or to prehistoric times to see dinosaurs*. Not me. If I had a time machine I would travel back to New York c. 1896 and punch Oscar Tschirky in the face. Twice. "This is for the Waldorf Salad!" *punch* "And this is for THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING!" *punch* "Oh and don't get any fancy ideas about poached eggs and hollandaise either."

*How did stegosauruses have sex? No, seriously, how did they? It seems kind of impossible. Hmmm. Maybe that's why they went extinct.

Functional appliances are hot.

There are many reasons why I dislike doing dishes, among them is that my sink is not designed with a dishwashing giraffe in mind and after about 1 minute of standing at this sink my back starts to hurt. Also, I paid dearly for that dishwasher, and I'll be damned if I use it only for counter space. And storing dirty dishes.

Because I am too cheap (read: poor) to get someone to comeout and fix the stupid thing, I've been trying to diagnose and fix the problem myself. Tip: Never buy anything at Sears. I've been there twice now and have talked to approximately 8 different people and NONE OF THEM knows a fucking thing about dishwashers, or, I expect, anything else. Except maybe how to look like they just stepped off the set of a Dallas! reunion special.

The lady at the Parts & Service department, conveniently located in upper Siberia, knew nothing about either parts nor service. Except to tell me that for $75 I could have a "technician" come out and LOOK AT IT. Not fix it. Look at it. I declined and she directed me to Sclamo's (another appliance store).

Besides having awesome commercials on the local TV station, (The ads direct you in a piercing voice, to go to SCLAAAAAAA-MOS! Then they show bad shots of the outside of the store) the guy at Sclaaaaaa-mos actually knew a thing or two about dishwashers. He even gave me the website for a plumbing supply website where I can order the part I need ($62 + tax & shipping, no charge for me to look at the dishwasher with said part in hand). Then he told me that if I felt comfortable with simple tools, lever, inclined plane, etc. I could probably do-it-myself. Either that or live with a dishwasher that is both non-functional AND in pieces.

To The Person Who Left ONE Gummy Bear in the Candy Dish

(And I know who you are!)

Not eating ALL the gummy bears does not negate your glutonous consumption of the other 99.9999% of the department refreshments.

Exactly why I hate supervising on "college night"

AnnoyingNewbieGirl: I can't seem to get this move.
AnnoyingNewbieBoy: That's because you're too short! It's totally a route for us tall people.
Me: (rage bubbling over because ANG doesn't deserve that kind of crap) Um, Beth Rodden is only 5'1".
ANB: Is she, like, some pro climber?
Me: Uh, yeah. She like totally made the 2nd free ascent of The Nose.
ANB: (who has ZERO idea what he's talking about, but am guessing he thinks "free climbing" means not in the gym?) Yeah, well free climbing is easier 'cuz you can use whatever holds you want.
Me: (All restraint GONE.) Actually, at 5.13 I wouldn't call it "easier"
ANB: *walks away*

Now maybe I'm just old and crotchety (*smirk*) but I can NOT stand these kids, who haven't ever been beyond the YMCA rock gym, telling me what's what. Especially when it's 9.27 and I want to close at 9.30 but people are still dicking around on their "projects".

From the "Not so much annoying as potentially dangerous" Files:
Basically Nice Kid Who Doesn't Have Much Experience But Apparently Thinks He Does: Are there lead routes at Metro Rock?
Me: Yup. There's a bunch. (incredulously) Do you lead?
BNKWDHMEBATHD: Well, no. But I have quickdraws.