I Need to Sanitize

Let it never be said that The Schooligan throws a bad party. Let it also never be said that she doesn't give bourbon credit where credit is due.

The scene: Voodoo Lounge
Schooligan enters stage right

Schooligan: Anyone care for a whiskey sour?

Repeat until incoherent and/or you have consumed an entire block of Brie.

On the plus side, I turned the back room into a guest bedroom. I finally got the thing cleaned up and ready for... the cats to have another place to snooze.

The MiniSchooligan and I ventured out today to give The Bollywood Grill (nee, Chef of India) another chance. It used to be the best Indian restaurant around, but then it closed, got renovated and reopened. It has never been the same since. Now, don't get me wrong, I think that multiple TVs showing Bollywood films add a great touch to ANY establishment, but when the quality of your buffet suffers as a result... well, I can't abide by that.

The 2 times I have been there afer the reopening, I was grossly disappointed with the place. (And by gross, I mean, throwing up in my bathroom) However, because there is virtually no other place to get my pakora fix, I decided to give them one more chance. It turned out ok. They had FISH PAKORAS, which were AMAZING. And the Tandoori Chicken was perfect. Oh, god and the spinach and chick peas... (Must stop before I short out my laptop with drool.) Suffice to say, my faith has been restored.

I feel like my Bollywood experience is some sort of lesson in friendship. You know, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad days, but it doesn't mean they're a bad friend... it just means that maybe you need to give them some time to get their shit together while you try not to talk too much smack about them, but when you finally resolve your issues, you remember exactly why you were friends in the first place: samosas.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Unforgettable Meals I Have Had

1. In college I was visiting my then boyfriend in San Francisco in 1999. We found a really great sushi place in Palo Alto that offered an ALL YOU CAN EAT sushi lunch buffet for $8.95. No, really. It was awesome. We went, like 3 times.

2. Paris, 2002, having dinner with an old friend who was living in France at the time. He took me to this adorable restaurant where I had duck breast with rosemary and honey. Holy shit was that delicious. Probably the best thing I have ever eaten that wasn't chocolate.

3. My first adult dinner party. Gargamel made pad thai and invited me to have dinner with him, his roommate Jones and Mr. and Mrs. Upstairs (their landlord and wife). I have to say this was the best pad thai I have ever had.

4. Lincoln, NH, the end of the 2004 climbing season. 7 of us dirty, ravenous climbers pillaged a Chinese restaurant after a full day of sport climbing. This place serves General Gau's tofu and it is just so. freakin. good. (We also managed to offend just about everyone in the place with our dinner time conversation, but that is another story.) Then we camped out in 6 inches of snow near Cannon Cliff.

5. Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Boston, 2003. I was returning from my cousin's wedding in Scotland. Maybe it was because I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours, but the beef pie they served ON THE PLANE was incredible.

6. A few years ago, my BFF, Emily, had a "Retro Dinner Party" and made, among other things, meatloaf. I have never, ever, ever liked meatloaf. I think it was because my mom couldn't make it to save her life and used like, really lean meat that got all dried out and overcooked. Blech. Anyway, Em's meatloaf was DELICIOUS. It was everything meaty and good in the world. And the gravy... don't even get me started on the gravy, I would drink it for breakfast.

7. On Thanksgiving a few years back, myaunt and uncle deep fried the turkey. They had one of those turkey fryers that occasionally explode and dump scalding oil all over your garage and kill like, 6 people a year or something. I had heard about this from an old redneck boyfriend (Hi, Trey!) and was eager to indulge my passion for anything fried. Yum. Crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Best turkey ever.

8. Winter of aught one, middle of nowhere Colorado, The Good Reverend Carson, myself, and a Brit named Hugh took advantage of a near empty Dude Ranch and had dinner in the Guest Dining Room. (The place was a Mobil 4 star resort and known for it's cuisine.) Grill Bill T., one of the chefs offered to make us ANYTHING WE WANTED, which, after months of crappy staff meals was a dream come true. I had some kind of salmon and the boys had big slabs of steak. The best part were the "Heart Attack Potatoes" made with equal parts potato, cream, butter and cheese. I am getting chest pains just thinking about it.

9. When I waited tables at the Tatyuck, I was on good terms with all the kitchen staff and they were always making me treats of one kind or another. Anyway, one of the cooks, Jose, made this White Chocolate Curry, which sounds gross, but was in fact delicious. I have no idea what we ate it with, but god was it good. Spicey, sweet, creamy... *drool* (Now that I think of it, we probably just guzzled it down from a trough or something)

10. Last night, I cooked a Cornish Hen. It was on sale at the Big Lie for, like 3 bucks, and I thought, hey, why not? (Sidenote: I really like saying "Cornish Hen", it makes me want to laugh. Try it. Cornish. Hen. Wheeee!) I roasted it in the oven with a Lemon Beurre Blanc and a bit of wasabi mustard. WOW! Really nice. Tender, juicey, fattening. (The B.B. uses an entire stick of butter.) Perfect! I also made rice pilaf that was yummy but unexciting.

11. Grasshopper Restaurant in Allston, MA, an Asian-Vegan restaurant. I have to say that their Sweet and Sour "Chicken" is the best ever. I want some right now. Oh. God.

12. Mike Hanson's Peach Pie. I have a thing for peach pie, and I always thought mine was pretty damn good, but Mike's TOTALLY KICKED MY PIE'S ASS. He made the perfect, flakey, tender crust, lovely spiced peaches, attractive lattice top... Yes, I ate enough to make an entire meal of it.

13. Death Burger Feast 2004. Gargamel and I cooked up a batch of the greasiest, yummiest burgers this side of the emergency room for a bunch of friends. We had a myriad of toppings, all of which, including the sauteed veg, were cooked in bacon fat, a fact I "forgot" to mention to my terrible hippie roommate and let her go on and on about how good they were. (Yes, I am a terrible person. Who loves bacon.)

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Friends let friends eat whole bags of Cool Ranch Doritos

This past weekend, my lovely friend Sara flew out from San Francisco. We hadn't seen each other in a while and with all the recent emotional drama, I was looking forward to ranting over several bottles of wine. Which we did. It was all awesome girl power, Bridget Jones, drunken Karaoke and pizza. The only disappointment was going to Vincent's on Saturday night after running my mouth off about how cool and hip the place was and arriving to find the place chock full of aging rockers. [Note: The bar really isn't that big... about the size of a diner, so really, the band could have not amplified quite so much and the people in the back (i.e. 20 feet away) would have heard just fine.] There was, however, the quintessential Worcester experience of trying to explain Manhattans to drunk frat boys and then not actually getting any free drinks for your trouble.

In speaking of Manhattans, I am thinking of having a wee retro cocktail party in the near future and am interested in getting some ideas for appetizers. Also, is there a definite meaning to "cocktail length" when referring to a dress? I seem to see everything from just above the knee to 2 inches above the ankle. That's a bit of a discrepancy.

With all my recent transcribing for Boulder and his AT adventures, I have been neglecting my own blog. But after writing about someone in the act of WALKING 2000 miles, anything I have to say just seems frivolous. LIke how I seem to have a bit of a cold. Went to bed last night feeling icky and woke up feeling ickier. Sore throat, feverish feeling, generalized unpleasantness... On the plus side, I had an acupucnture session today and experienced Moxibustion to help the sickyness. Seriously, is there anything acupuncture CAN'T do?

Thursday 13

Thirteen Highlights in the life of The Schooligan

1. Arriving in Red Rocks, NV and having Charlie (whom I'd spoken with only via email) take one look at me and say, "Are you BrattyPants?"
2. Falling off a horse after jumping, like 2 fences at a horse show and having the EMTs and my teammates come rushing out into the show ring.
3. Doing it AGAIN the very next weekend.
4. Taking part in a pharmaceudical study where I get paid $300 to have 2 of my wisdom teeth extracted so that they could study the effectiveness of a new painkiller.
5. Getting so violently sick from said painkiller that the night nurse feels bad and offers me "something to help the nausea".
6. Learning that it is a suppository.
7. Getting one of the only documented cases of Scarlet Fever since 1883 at age 6 and spending 2 weeks out of school pretending that I am in Little House on the Prairie.
8. Being involved in TWO car accidents in one week (neither or which was my fault).
9. Spraining my ankle on opening night of a play I was in Freshman year of college and having to pretend to tap dance on an ankle the size of a softball.
10. Swimming with stingrays on a trip to Grand Cayman and having one latch on to my back with its mouth and leave a red mark not unlike a gigantic hickey.
11. Rounding up the horses one morning at the ranch and having my horse trip and catapault me to the ground in front of Every. Single. Guest.
12. Being referred to as "the girl who fell off" for the rest of the week.
13. Buying a pewter belt buckle in Laramie, WY that was so heavy it practically pulled my pants down every time I wore it.

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It's tough to have a crush...

I have been trying to teach myself Photoshop. Um... why must they make this program so ridiculously difficult to understand? I mean, all I want is a picture of me tearing down the Berlin Wall. Is that so much to ask Adobe?

In other news, I received an interesting piece of mail the other day. (Even more interesting than the check for $1600 from Carnival Cruise Lines.) A plain white envelope with a return address of Los Angeles arrived for me. I opened it and found an autographed picture of Vince Vaughn! What the hell? Don't get me wrong, VV is a total sexy pants, but why did I randomly get a picture in the mail? I can't help but think that Mr. Vaughn has a secret crush on me and this is his way of letting me know that Jennifer Aniston is getting the BOOT. (Hahahahahaha. I need to stop with the smoking of the crack.)

I take back all the bad things I have said about Television

Because I had no idea that things like THIS were being broadcast. HOLY SHIT! I know where I'll be on Monday March 13 at 11pm.

Yesterday marked the official beginning to Outdoor Climbing Season 2006. Mikey, Rob, Forrest and I went up to Rumney, NH yesterday to soak up the 50 degree sunshine from halfway up the sides of cliffs. It was so amazing and wonderful. I seriously feel like it's been winter FOREVER. To be outside, in a T-shirt and NOT be cold was just incredible.

We started off slowly, warming up on some short easy stuff at the Main Cliff. Then Forrest and I went off to try some two pitch stuff farther on. As usual, the guidebook was ambiguous and we had to choose between scrambling up a muddy, vegetated gully and climbing up to the crux of an adjacent 5.10c and then traversing back over to the moderate 5.7 that we wanted to climb. I gave Forrest the first lead because he seemed more confidant about finding the right route and, let's face it, I'm a bit chicken climbing into the unknown after a slothful winter of sitting around eating bon-bons.

He lead the climb without incident and I followed up while marvelling how he'd been able to place gear without totally losing his shit like I was about to. It was a fun climb nonetheless and after I ungracefully flopped onto the ledge where F. was anchored, I felt just about ready to lead my pitch. I was like, it's bolted, I can see the line, it's only like 5.8, no problem.

I had somehow forgotten that I am completely out of the climbing zone. (See above, re: bon bons) I managed to fall off on the FIRST MOVE after one of my feet slipped. Then I did it, like 2 more times just to make sure I made a total fool of myself. I did finally reach the FIRST BOLT, clipped it and realized I was sweating like a whore in church. Things went ok, until I had clipped 4 bolts and then looked around and couldn't see the anchors anywhere. The guidebook had said it was only 4 bolts to the top, but I couldn't see anything that looked like a place to anchor. I hollered down to Forrest and he said he saw some chains about 30 feet up from where I was. No. That couldn't be right. Could it? I looked up and confronted a HUGE ROOF and an overhung wall. 5.8 my ass! I shouted down that I was going to do some reconnaissance and see if there was something else around because there was no way in hell I was climbing THAT.

Turns out the anchors for our climb were a bit up and to my right following an easy climb up to a large ledge. All I can say is, thank goodness, because I had totally left my cojones at home. I rigged my anchor and belayed Forrest up. We took a few minutes to congratulate ourselves (well, I mostly congratulated Forrest who wasn't a complete baby like myself) and then rigged our rappel. We rapped down without incident, except that Forrest had lost his watch and asked me to look for it on my way down. (We didn't find it.)

We ended the day over at the 5.8 crag where I actually completed Romancing the Stone (5.10c) after goading a young Dartmouth professor into leading it so that I could climb it on TR. Still, I felt somewhat accomplished because my arms were totally jelloid and I flailed significantly less than the last time I attempted that climb. (Not to say that there wasn't any flailing, just LESS flailing.)

So, it seems as though the climbing season has begun and I can look forward to many weekends of dirtbagging, eating mass quantities of food and maybe even some actual climbing. The rest of you can look forward to a Schooligan whose arms are too sore and tired to throw things at you.

My Latest Project

I mean, besides staying sane and not eating donuts.
My friend Boulder is hiking the Appalachian Trail and I have agreed to transcribe his writings onto his blog. So far, and it has been a little over a week since he started, I have received 3 packets of letters. You can read about his adventures here.

Pretty cool.

thursday 13

Thirteen 13 Things The Schooliganis especially proud of these days

1. Having the courage to give up ice cream AND pastry for Lent.
2. Not wavering in this... (yes, it has only been one week...but still...)
3. Making and mostly sticking to a weekly budget (SO. VERY. HARD.)
4. Going to Pilates when I would much rather stay in bed.
5. FINALLY getting around to reading Gone with the Wind.
6. Paying off all my library fines ($22 *gulp*)
7. Not crying, freaking out or throwing things in OVER A WEEK.
8. Remembering that one can use the "Delete" button when checking email instead of automatically hitting "Reply" (see above, re: not freaking out)
9. Dropping a pill in the sink and grabbing it BEFORE it bounced down the drain. TWICE! (Yes, should really stop taking pills over the sink.)
10. Not buying the cute green striped skirt at Old Navy yesterday even though it was a SIZE 2. (In speaking of which, what the hell has happened to sizes at Old Navy? The last time I was a size 2 was... um... NEVER. Not exactly complaining, just wondering.)
11. Keeping my car from turning into a complete trash receptacle. (Of course, have not had first camping/climbing trip yet...)
12. Actually climbing when I work at the climbing gym instead of lounging on the floor with a magazine.
13. Conscious effort to dry my hair post-shower instead of sleeping on it wet and waking up look like Bride of Frankenstein.

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Outlook good?

Even in light of recent changes, I feel like I have been doing remarkably well. It has been ONE WHOLE WEEK since I behaved like a hysterical nitwit! One week! I mean, yes, I have been upset, angry, sad, stressed and anxious, but I haven't hurled a single household object. I think it is probably a combination of drugs that work (waiting for lightening to strike me...) and the knowledge that spring is right around the corner. There is even talk of GOING CLIIMBING OUTSIDE on Saturday. Yes, with promises of temperatures in the 50's it seems like this could be the end of the winter of my discontent.

And it's about damn time.

Narcoleptic blogging

Apparently the Oscars were more intense than I realized because I fell asleep mid-blog last night. Actually, it isn't all that surprising considering I maxed out the deep fryer last night with all manner of greasy treats. I think my heart temporarily gave out.

Post Academy Awards

Damn. Let me just say, huh? What was with all the gold dresses? And dresses that smooshed everyone's breasts in an unflattering way? I don't know that anyone really looked all that great... ok, Uma Thurman looked amazing, but I felt that fashion wise, this year was sort of "meh". I will say that Jennifer Garner almost falling was v. funny. And I am SO GLAD that Reese Witherspoon won the Best Actress award. I think she is totally adorable.

Relationship Advice From Rhett Butler

I'm very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening's over.

Relationship Advice From Scarlett O'Hara

I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

When ranting gets results

Last Thursday I bemoaned the lack of straight leg jeans. The next day, I stopped into the Gap, where I had not been in many a month since I am doing this "don't waste/spend money thing, but figured that since I had a $10 off coupon I could maybe find something on the clearance rack that fit into my budget (i.e. $10). Well, lo and behold:


Jeans! With a straight leg!
Of course they were more than 10 bucks, but since I was probably never going to see the likes of them again this side of never, I bought them. And they are perfect.

Now, how about bringing back the Mars bar?

We be burnin'

On Saturday, I was driving around with my brother and listening to his Sean Paul cd.

Me: I gotta say, I'm kind of surprised but this is a really good album.
Him: Yeah. It's good... if you like getting yelled at by Jamaican people.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I Wish Existed

1. Mars Bars- The Snickers almond is close... but not quite the same.
2. Baja Picante Doritos- Simpley the best flavor EVER. It went away somewhere around 2002... and life has never been the same.
3. Destiny's Child- Although every 15 minutes they get back together for their "Final Tour Ever".
4. Arthur Treacher's- OK, I know they exist in other places, but not near me. I have very fond memories of eating their corn dogs as a wee child.
5. iPod Mini- Again, yes, I realize you can get one from eBay or similar, but Apple did stop making them and released the Nano.
6. 8 Hole Doc Marten Boots in Bottle Green- My very first pair of Docs, purchased when I was 15. They were discontinued soon after. WHY? WHY? And why have they made their shoes progressively uglier over time?
7. My old Commodore 64- I really miss all the crap, yet awesome, games I used to play: Temple of Apshai, M.U.L.E., Robot Rascals, and the worst horse show game EVER. *Sigh*
8. Stright Leg Jeans- If anyone can find them PLEASE let me know. Not tapered, just straight. My last pair was purchased at Old Navy in 2001. I still have them, but am unable to find any jeans that are not "Boot Cut" or *shudder* "Flare" (which make my ginormous thighs look even bigger than they already are). I respect the Boot Cut, but need variety.
9. Dinosaurs- Duh.
10. Cinnamon Bagels without Raisins- I hate raisins. HATE THEM. I have been known to pick each one out of a bagel before eating it.
11. Mitch Hedberg and Wesley Willis- 2 of the funniest people EVER. Why did they have to die? Especially when people like this and this are still around being decidedly not funny.
12. Laudanaum- Although technically still available by prescription, isn't that common anymore. Nor is it available in your local drug store and "cheaper than a bottle of gin". Sigh. Victorian women had all the fun.
13. Skeleton Pirates- See previous entry on Pirates of the Carribean

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How to effectively piss off the Schooligan in one hour or less...

TSV ( "Turquoise Sweater Vest" aka the most annoying, petty, ridiculous man on the PLANET) walks by my desk this morning and says, "What's up with the refrigerator door?" (note: the small fridge in our area is across from where I sit, by the printer) I say, "I give up? What's with it?" Him, "The door is really sticking. I'm not sure I'll be able to get my sandwich out." Me, *cold stare* followed by eye roll as he walks away.

Dude, what the fuck? Do I look like the fucking Maytag repair man? What exactly would you like me to do about this? Where in my job description does it say "refrigerator repair and maintenance"? I should mention to our boss that you CLEARLY do not have enough to do.

Slapstick weekend

I recently crossed over to the darkside and got cable. I got tired of begging and pleading with Verizon to make the internet work. Which didn't work consistently and cost a lot of money for something I could rarely use. I discovered that for LESS than I was paying for internet and phone, I could have internet and TV. So I signed up. I have to say that I haven't had TV since I graduated from college and I feel really decadent lazing about watching all manner of (entertaining) crap.

Sunday night, G and I cuddled up to watch the PBR. I have to say that even though I have moved back East and hung up my spurs I still really enjoy watching rodeo. Especially bull riding. (I dated a bull rider a million years ago. Let me just say that it got kind of old watching him get gored and stepped on every week.) Say what you want about rodeo being cruel to animals, (that would be FOOD if they weren't performing) I don't really think it is and having spent a good deal of time in back of the chutes can say that the majority of these animals (that make people a lot of money) get treated pretty well most of the time and annoyed for approximately 8 seconds per week. And let's face it, you can't really make a 2000 pound bull do something it doesn't want to do. (Where did that soapbox come from?)

As the short go began we heard a terrible crash, the sound of cat food flying everywhere and little kitty feet racing around the kitchen. Jumping up we discovered that Ninja had somehow climbed up into the cabinet in the pantry where I stored the cat food, opened up the flip top lid on the plastic container, spilled the cat food all over the place and had gotten the lid stuck around his head. Of course this freaked him out and he was frantically racing around with his head stuck, crashing into things and trying to dislodge himself. After we stopped laughing we managed to catch him and pry the lid off his head.

Body Massage

On Monday I dragged my brother and sister out for a hike. Somehow I thought 24 degrees was plenty warm for traipsing up the side of a mountain. The side of a mountain which, due to the warm again-cold again winter we've been having, was a mixture of snow and ice. Mostly ice. In addition to our faces freezing to the point that we were slurring like drunks every time we tried to speak, we each took several comic spills while trying to glissade our way down.

Filler

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Thursday 13

Thirteen SongsThe Schooligancan listen to on infinite repeat (The Bluegrass Edition): 1. 1952 Vincent Black Lightening- Del McCoury (I love this song so much. There is something so beautifully tragic about a motorcycle accident.) 2. Let An Old Racehorse Run- Del McCoury (Again, so beautiful and sad.) 3. Man of Constant Sorrow- Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys (Although any version of this song ROCKS. I keep pestering my boyfriend to cover it with his hardcore band. No luck yet...) 4. Every Time You Say Goodbye- Alison Krauss (I am a little bit in love with her. She is so amazing.) 5. Rusty Cage- Johnny Cash (I have to say I like Cash's cover better than the Soundgarden original, which is also a kick ass tune... But man, That Johnny Cash.) 6. I am Weary (Let me rest)- The Cox Family (This song has literally made me cry in my car. I don't know why but this type of music really hits a nerve...) 7. Same Ole River- Sam Bush. (Just really singable. And pretty) 8. Wreckin' Ball- The Frantic Flattops (Although not technically bluegrass, I feel like I can include Rockabilly on my list. Rockabilly shares all my sentiments about liquor, fast cars and loose women.) 9. Hot Rod Lincoln- Any (Love love love this song. "Breaks are good, tires fair") 10. Miner's Refrain- Gillian Welch (I love her. So sad, so beautiful and I really wish she'd get a better haircut) 11. All For You- Nina Nastasia (Yes, not technically bluegrass either, but so beautiful and sad, which apparently appeals to me quite a bit.) 12. Sympathique- Pink Martini (I have a thing for songs in French that I can only partially understand. Still these guys are amazing. Really. Amazing.) 13. Viva Las Vegas- Elvis (I have no idea why, but this song makes me deliriously happy. Over. And. Over. And. Over.)

Coming down from the sugar high

Although, in my defense I barely ate any chocolate. I did however drink several amazing cocktails invented by me! Let's just say, strawberry puree is a wonderful thing.

G-Unit and I had a perfectly lovely evening, what with the cocktails and the fantastic dinner he cooked. (Szechwan style beef and mushrooms over rice. Oh, and egg rolls.) We did not get Saw 2 yesterday as we had hoped, which was a wee disappointment, but the awesome home made (the only way to go) Valentine more than made up for it.

We reflected on Valentine's past:

"Remember last year when we got Chinese take-out and ate it at my very tiny apartment and I freaked out because I thought the walls were closing in on me, but it was only because I was wearing 4 inch heels?"

"Or the year before that when we lay on your sofa and drank Jim Beam straight out of the bottle while watching the Matrix Reloaded?"

"Yep. Good times"

Happy Valentine's Day...Time to DIE!!!

I like scary movies even though I usually get so scared I have to sleep with the light on and have the cats check to make sure there are no psycopaths in the closet. One of my favorites is Saw. Man, super creepy, even though Gargamel says that in a fight between me and a puppet on a tricycle, I would totally win.

Anyway, Saw 2 comes out on DVD TODAY! I have had it on my Netflix list for weeks, eagerly awaiting its arrival. Word on the street is that it will be arriving today! Is there anything more romantic? I don't think so.

The day has started off well. I ate 2 pieces of Perugina chocolate for breakfast and then had an acupuncture session. Right now, I feel like lazing about on a pile of sabayon. Mmm. I also got 4 "intradermal" needles. Yes, that means I have 4 teeny needles sticking in me RIGHT NOW, 2 in my stomach and 1 on each leg. Apparently they are going to provide constant stimulation to those points. Or something. At any rate, I think my qi is flowing better already.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Celebrities Who Should Go Away

1. Lindsay Lohan- We have stopped caring about your boobs, your eating disorder and your effed up family. Also, you can neither act nor sing. Peter Griffin said it best, "What do you want Lindsay? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
2. Paris Hilton- We get it. You are rich. You also like to have sex on camera. You are very stupid. Plesae stop talking.
3. Angelina Jolie- Yes, you are gorgeous. Yes, you are having a child with the most attractive man on earth. Stop making us feel ugly and go save the 3rd world.
4. Katie Holmes- You have convinced NOONE that you are either madly in love with Tom Cruise nor pregnant. Please go hunker down in the Scientology compound and stop torturing your family with your ridiculous antics.
5. Tom Cruise- You are insane. Along with your sanity, you appear to have lost your ability to act. War of the Worlds was terrible, and no amount of rewatching Risky Business, Top Gun or Jerry Maguire can erase that horrible performance from my mind.
6. Mary-Kate Olsen- So, you recovered from an eating disorder and then dropped out of college to "work on your career". Um... What career? If I remember correctly, New York Minute was a total disaster. Oh, wait. Do you mean your toothpaste line? Whatever. Oh, btw, you look like a homeless person.
7. Kevin Federline- I am loathe to even refer to you as a celebrity, but I guess you are by association. Please take your poorly dressed, slobby, white trash self and leave Britney and child alone. She used to be so cute and lively, but since she hooked up with you (For reasons that are clear to noone) she has turned into a dejected version of her former self. You have proven beyond any resonable doubt that you are a bad father, so let's give little Sean a fighting chance, ok? Go away.
8. The Rolling Stones- Your performance at the Super Bowl was abysmal. All of you, but especially Mr. Jagger. Clearly time has not been kind to you, so spare us any more of your pathetic, out of time, gyrating.
9. Jessica Simpson- You made such a big deal about saving your virginity for marriage, but then as soon as your marriage is over you are rumored to be humping the cast of Jackass. Also, that ad you did for Pizza Hut that aired during the Super Bowl? That was just tasteless. You are better than that.
10. Kelly Osbourne- Another one who is famous for practically no reason. Did you eat a live bat on stage? I didn't think so. Also, you can't sing or dress yourself. So, just quietly fade into obscurity, ok?
11. Nelly- God, your songs have always been dumb, I mean "Air Force Ones"?? Please. But you have totally outdone yourself with "Grillz". Dude, here's a secret: Bejeweled teeth do not look good. On you, or anyone else. Stop trying to create a trend for people to follow, I mean, you FINALLY got rid of the band-aid, why the backsliding?
12. Fergie and the Peas- Ok, your music has gotten progressively more ridiculous with every song. "My HUMPS?" What the hell? But for some reason I just Can't. Stop. Singing. Whatcha gonna do with all that junk... DAMMIT.
13. Dakota Fanning- You are not cute like Drew Barrymore in E.T., nor are you amazingly creepy like Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire. You are just annoying. And you can't act. (See above, re: War of the Worlds) Therefore I think that it is in everyone's best interest that you disappear and then resurface in like 5 years with a drug problem or something.

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It's o.k. to be okay.

For some reason I have started spelling out the word "okay", instead of just using the letters. Why? Why must I make an abbreviated phrase twice as long as it should be? There is some debate about the etymology of o.k., but I like the story (which my good friend Agent Sands related to me sometime last year while we drove his car to the Volvo mechanic) that it stands for "all correct", or "oll korrect". Apparently there was a fad in the 1830's involving "comical abbreviations" and humorists of the time liked to use "exaggerated misspellings". O-Kay!

Other recent incidences of "okay-ness" include getting my "new" car on Friday and then using it to truck a bunch of furniture back from Ikea with my friend Elaine. I am now the proud owner (well, not exactly as the bank owns it until I repay the loan)of a Subaru Forester. Elaine and I discovered, through the magic of the internet, that the Subaru logo, is based on the Pleiades star cluster in the constallation Taurus,

Intriguing, no?

We made this fabulous discovery whilst watching the Super Bowl. Elaine had put together an amazing spread with Nachos (I ate, like, my weight in nachos. Seriously.), veggies and hummus, cake and buffalo wings. I ate some wings and then had to physically restrain myself from licking the buffalo sauce off the rest of them, and instead stuff more nachos in my face.

Finally, I warn everyone who is considering watching "The Ring 2" to NOT BOTHER. G and I attempted to warch it last night, but as the storyline became more and more ridiculous we focused our attention on rearranging the stack of pillows we were lounging on to provide optimal comfort. And then fell asleep.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen of the Schooligan's Guilty Pleasures 1. Celebrity gossip magazines. (Personal fav: In Touch because it only costs $1.99) 2. Watching an entire season of Sex and the City in one sitting. 3. Looking through my college alumni magazine to see who got married or had a baby. 4. Eating Swedish Fish in my car. (I keep a bag in the glove compartment.) 5. Hitting snooze repeatedly. 6. Rereading favorite books. (Favs: Bridget Jones' Diary, Fried Green Tomatoes, and the Little House on the Prairie series) 7. Playing dumb horse related games on the computer. (Usually designed for 12 year old girls) 8. Napping on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 9. Eating ice cream for breakfast. Straight out of the carton. 10. General Foods International Coffees 11. Shoe Shopping. (Although not lately as have no money.) 12. Manhattans before dinner. (Or sometimes, Manhattans FOR dinner.) 13. Reading blogs of people I kind of know.

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Today I got reprimanded for not posting in like a week by Alissa whom, I do not hate, and in fact like quite a bit and one of these days I will work up the nerve to ask her out for a cocktail. Any woman who can appreciate the aethetics of a martini is a friend of mine.

The Cock has been insanely busy lately with all sorts of Cock related business. The good news is that I got my performance review this week and got excellent ratings from the powers that be. I also got a 7% raise! This translates into roughly $1 more per hour, but is still MORE MONEY, which I desperately need because I am on the verge of buying a car.

I don't want to get rid of my beloved Panzer, but with 145,000 miles and at least $1000 worth of stuff that needs to get done, it just doesn't make enough financial sense to keep pouring money into a car that isn't worth that much. I mean, worth it in terms of Trade In Value, or what have you, because the car is worth it's weight in gold for being such a great car. *sniff* We had so many good times, the Panzer and I, and I feel guilty getting rid of it. Yes, I realize that is ridiculous because the car obviously does not have feelings, etc., but still...

In other news, apparently I can still climb despite being a total sloth all winter. Went to the gym last weekend with Forrest and managed to climb several hard 5.10s and not look entirely like a flailing water buffalo. I also didn't feel as though my arms were going to fall off.

Have rekindled mild obsession with William Howard Taft. Recently saw wedding annoucement in the Sunday Times where William Howard Taft IV married someone with a ridiculous name. Taft was the fattest president with Grover Cleveland coming in at number 2.

Thursday (Yes, I know it's Friday) Thirteen

Thirteen Things about The Schooligan 1. I was too busy with work yesterday to do this post. (I know, wtf?) 2. I really don't want to have to buy a car in the near future. 3. I am definitely buying a car in the near future. 4. It is probably going to be a Subaru. 5. They are freaking expensive. 6. But totally worth it. 7. My least favorite pair of pants fit a bit more loosely. 8. I don't feel like my thighs are going to burst the seams. 9. Of course, I also can't enjoy any kind of food because it all tastes icky. 10. Ditto alcohol. 11. The situation is good for my waistline, bad for my morale. 12. How long until Saw II is out on DVD? 13. This is a crap list. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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Take that, Depakote!

After 2 weeks on being on a drug that has the unfortunate side effect of weight gain, I am actually 5 pounds lighter! I am sure a lot of it has to do with the other side effect, "Makes food and drink taste like ass". No, seriously, I have this sort of sweetish, lingering, unpleasant taste in my mouth. It's like you wake up in the middle of the night after eating a bag of Swedish Fish and not brushing your teeth. Minus the bits of red gummy shit between your teeth. Except that it doesn't go away. Ever. It even disrupted my consumption of Madfish Shiraz, which is one of my favorites. (The Chardonnay is one of the best I have ever had. Period.) It's really not in anyone's best interest to come between the Schooligan and her alcohol.

I went to the chiropractor (I know, I know, ANOTHER medical story. What the fuck is it going to be like when I am 80?) today to get my pelvis aligned. With a $20 co-pay it was far less painful than the one my car got the other week. The best part was when she was looking at the X-rays on the lighted X-ray viewer thing and she put up the one of my pelvis and there, in all it's glory, was a perfect outline of my cooter. It was like x-ray camel toe vision. As if I didn't feel dumb enough in my striped tent sized gown that refused to stay closed and weird velcro back adjustment shoes. (I have no idea what the fuck that was all about.)

After careful examination, the chiropractor determined that my spine and hips and neck and whatever else are all torqued slightly to the right. But other than that, I am totally healthy.

I am a horrible person, part... infinity

I got an email today from someone that I think I inadvertantly offended in one of my posts. It was one of those times when I was trying to be witty and failing miserably. So, i just want to apologize for my stupid typing tourette's and state publicly that I am a bigger bitch than you think I think you are. (oh, and no offense to anyone with Tourette's either. sorry.)

I got some x-rays today. For the chiropractor. I looked at them and they are pretty cool. Especially the ones that show my navel piercing. PT said, Wow! You have some sort of alien implant. That explains a lot.

Other than that, I don't really know what I am looking at. Except that nothing is obviously broken... or missing. Which is reassuring. Slightly.

What's this? More ridiculous medical problems?

You betcha. Sort of.

I went to see a chiropractor today re: my fucked up foot. I thought that before I have them cut it open and shave off the offending bone I would see if there was anything else that I could do.

Turns out there really isn't. Well, except for these DIFFERENT ORTHOTICS that the chiropractor recomended that will help my feet stay put when I walk. But apparently my pelvis is out of alignment [wink, wink, fuck you.] and she is going to fix that on Wednesday. Oh, and there is some weird stuff going on with my neck and shoulders (DUH) and she suggested I see a massage therapist. Hahahahaha. Whew. Massage therapists are funny. Well, at least ONE of them is. You know, the one that NEVER GAVE MASSAGES. Yeah, that one. (Who is PREGGERS and due in FEBRUARY, fyi.)

The funny part was when she was asking me about any past back trouble or injuries and I remembered that time I was schooling a pony for my neighbor's kid and she decided she'd had enough and bucked me off. I ended up hitting the ground (on my back) pretty hard and lying there for a few minutes thinking that I would probably die there because I couldn't move and the dumb pony was munching some grass just outside the ring instead of going for help. I did get up, put the pony away and hobbled up to my house where I lay on the couch for about 2 days unable to move. I called out of work that day (I was waiting tables at the time.) and my boss demanded to know why the hell I would go horseback riding before work. As though that were more ridiculous than waiting tables for $2.65 an hour. Jerk. (The place is out of business now. heh heh.)

The chiropractor then asked me how many times I had fallen off horses. I was like, 8, 9, 10? I don't know. Too many times to count. Then she put on my chart "multiple falls from horse". Which, I have to say, is better than "walks like an uncoordinated duck."

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things The Schooligan Misses About Being a Cowboy



1. Being able to wear chaps and not look ridiculous
2. Spurs that Jingle Jangle Jingle
3. Doing shots of Wild Turkey at the Rodeo ("kickin' the chicken" and also perfectly legal. The concession stand sold hard liquor. Imagine!)
4. Being able to say "Y'all" and "Folks" without anyone wondering why
5. Listening to the coyotes howling at night
6. Working the chutes for calf roping
7. The sound of boots on a wooden floor
8. Drinking beer outside the barn after work
9. Rounding things up (horses, cows, people)
10. Feeling PHYSICALLY exhausted at the end of the day
11. Not caring how dirty I am
12. Wide open spaces
13. Waking up in the morning knowing the only thing I have to do that day is get on my horse and ride




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How am I supposed to love myself when it's OBVIOUS that God hates me?

Seriously.

I had a premonition that this would happen: I pay off my car and it immediately falls apart.

And the thing about Volkswagens is that they are constructed from mystery so only 4 people in the world know how to fix them, and they charge at least $300. Every. Time.

Last week, in between more trips to the doctor than is reasonable for someone my age, I dropped my car off to get an alignment. The garage calls me back and says that in addition to the alignment, I also need new ball joints (which are apparently very imprtant in preventing the wheels from falling off). I ask how much it is going to cost, the dude does some quick calculations and... yup. $300. (Turns out it was only $291! A bargain!)

Today, while PT was driving back from Framingham the car apparently hiccuped and the CHECK ENGINE light came on. After said hiccup, the car appeared to be driving fine. ANd it is. Except for that glaring orange reminder that I am now the proud owner of a car that is going to fall apart at any moment.

*sigh*

I Yin When I Should Be Yanging

I had my acupuncture session today. It was good...mostly. I mean there was the part where someone brought their toddler (I think he was like a year old or something. Is that considered a toddler?) into the office and he apparently needed to run around, shriek and bang on the walls in such a way that I felt like yelling, "Hey! Would ya keep it down? Some of us are trying to realign our Qi!"

I had mentioned to acu* lady that I haven't been sleeping well. Make that, I haven't had a night where I did not wake up and pace the house restlessly and/or watch old episodes (I guess they are all old, really, since I don't think they are making new ones...) of Jeeves and Wooster until about 5.30, when I then doze off for a fitful one hour of sleep, SINCE FRIDAY. Yes, that would be four days of getting around 3 or 4 hours of sleep each night. Strangely (or perhaps not), this pattern manifested itself on Saturday when I started a new type of drug. One that apparently keeps me awake and that I can't take a sleeping pill with because it will cause a coma or a seizure or a lethal skin rash or something.

Still, I left the session with that lovely, bright, floaty feeling of well being. Until I bonked my head while rummaging through my trunk. Total buzz kill.

* Reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg (RIP) joke, "I went to go see a doctor, but all he did was drink blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula."

I know, can you believe it?

Pop quiz:
Which of the following is NOT a true story:

1. After much back and forth between me and my "doctor" about changing my drugs, she gives me the names of 3 options and tells me to go online, look them up and pick which one I want, apparently forgetting which one of us has a degree of medical knowledge.

2. Upon seeing my new haircut, my sister declares that I look like I stepped of the cover of "Ramona Quimby Age 8".

3. Trying to track down a guy in my department (at Cock), I stand up and yell, "Hey, anyone seen DICK?"

Answer: Number 2. My sister said I looked like a Mushroom.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things The Schooligan can not possibly hope to understand: 1. Why every single prescription medicine I take gives me nausea. 2. Why someone panelled the kitchen in fake wood. 3. How two very small cats can make SO. MUCH. NOISE. at 3 am. 4. Why "Rebel Without A Cause" is considered such a great movie. (I saw it recently and was v. disappointed. I would have thought James Dean was less of a wuss.) 5. Plumbing. I just don't get it. Especially the plumbing in my house which was apparently installed by an epileptic drunk. 6. Why hospitals charge for parking. That just seems so very mean. Like, I am visiting my dying mother and now I have to rummage around for $5? Not cool. 7. How people can suffer with VISIBLE PANTY LINES rather than wear a thong. 8. Why people on Ebay will bid ridiculous amounts of money for things that you can get IN A STORE NEAR YOU FOR LESS MONEY. Or, if there are no stores nearby, go to the store's website. 9. Why all of the Indian restaurants in my town are being replaced by Vietnamese Restaurants. Don't get me wrong, I love Vietnamese Food SO MUCH, but there are already 3 Vietnamese restaurants ON THE SAME STREET IN LESS THAN ONE MILE. Do we really need another one? Especially at the expense of House of India. 10. Why I am incapable of having the patience to blow dry my hair more than once every 2 months. I just can't do it. No matter how much better it makes my hair look. 11. The people who talk on their cell phones while working out. Huh? How do you run 2 miles while talking on the phone? No, seriously, how do you do it? I have enough trouble trying not to drop dead never mind have a conversation. 12. Why, at age 27, Farting and Fart Jokes are STILL FUNNY. (I am laughing RIGHT NOW just thinking about farts.) 13. How someone could not absolutely love Johnny Cash. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! Running2ks >Memoirs of a Squashed Toad KellyNellyNello Karen Chickadee-dee-dee Jen Ms. Crystal

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Oh, Internet. How I love to hate you.

So, like most people of my generation, whenever I have a question on... oh, anything at all, I look it up online. PT and I call it "consulting the oracle of the internet". I mean, where else would you look when you want to know if Domino's Pizza Supports Pro-Life Organizations or what happens when you fire a waiter for blogging? Yeah I don't know either. But dammit if sometimes your wealth of information gets me all bugaboo!

Like when, for example, I research a new drug my doctor wants to put me on that has the potential for WEIGHT GAIN and DIABETES, but that also has been shown to really help people with my issues. I really need to stop reading about drug recalls and lawsuits and "How Drug X Ruined My Life Completely", but I have developed (completely understandably) this intense distrust of my doctor(s) and their "knowledge" and their ability to actually help me and am not sure how to get the information I need to be really astute and knowledgable about what kinds of choices I have.

Must go read Perez Hilton before my head explodes.

No, really, this was EXACTLY how I wanted to spend my weekend.

I finally took down the Christmas tree. But not without filling the entire front room with pine needles. PT and I were shoving the tree out the front door, and I heard that sound of needles being stripped from the branches, as I groaned audibly, he said to me, "People have been making that sound after Christmas for CENTURIES." We had planned to throw the tree across the street where there is this... wooded, sort of, place, where everyone on the street tosses their grass clippings and leaves and old Christmas trees and stuff. It's not litter, it's all organic. But this weekend, the county had the convicts out there picking up trash. I didn't want to drag our tree through the chain gang, (especially when there is a no-dumping sign posted) so I said loudly to PT, "Why don't we just leave it in the front yard for now?" He looked at me strangely as I pulled him back into the house.

Oh, wait, I forgot to mention the part where I dropped the CAST IRON christmas tree stand on my foot. My GOOD foot.

And the part where the cat scratched me when I was trying to prevent her from leaving with the Christmas tree.

And how my friend's dad got scratched by her cat and his hand blew up to like 4 times its normal size and he had to go to the hospital for IV antibiotics. (This part didn't happen to me)

Then I decided to run the dishwasher and give my brother a haircut. For some reason, the clippers weren't cutting the hair so much as they were pulling it out strand by strand. As I was trying to figure this part out, I heard a strange noise, like there was something wrong with the dishwasher. I poked my head out the bathroom door, but nothing looked weird, so I ignored it. Suddenly, my kitchen was FULL OF WATER, and lurching to one side like the Titanic. I screamed and shut off the water and then continued yelling while frantically trying to mop the water up with towels. (Except, not with the Egyptian Cotton ones. Not those.)

We got the water cleaned up and I was sent under the sink with a headlamp to investigate. From what I could tell, the hose thing for the sprayer came off and left a hole where water was free to leak out when the sink was draining. I stuck it back on and reinforced it with athletic tape. Yeah, no, that didn't work and I had to clean up water a 2nd time some hours later.



Then I went to bed with a book on Cosmopolitans (next best thing to drinking one) that I had gotten at the Tatnuck Bookseller "40% going out of business because Larry is a tool with no business sense or glimmer of compassion for his fellow man" sale. I totally can't get into all that is wrong with this business (that i used to work for), or how much of a total DOUCHE the owner is for just shutting the doors without telling any of his employees that the store was closing and leaving them to show up for work the next morning and see a sign on the door that says, "Out of business". Let's just say that the closing of Tat-Yuck is definitely one of the local signs of the coming of the apocalypse.

Fantastic! Four!

Tagged by: Crystal

Four Jobs I have had: Wrangler on a dude ranch (by far the coolest EVER), Waitress (hasn't everyone?), Riding instructor/Coach to a 6 year old and her pony, Tour guide for my College (I could walk backwards better than ANYONE!)

Four Movies I Can (and do!) Watch Ad Nauseum: Ravenous, Dirty Dancing, Smoke Signals, FootLoose

Four Places I Have Lived: Worcester, MA; Oxford, MA; Leicester, MA; Clark, CO

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation: Scotland, Mexico, France, Ohio (yes, Ohio!)

Four Websites I Visit Daily: Dooce, Salon, Go Fug Yourself, PandaCam

Four TV Shows I Can't Miss: I don't have cable. But I do have all seasons of The Chapelle Show, and Mr. Show. And most seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sex and the City

Four Favorite Foods: Bacon, S'Mores Pop Tarts (Untoasted), Trader Joe's Chocolate Chip Merengues (I have made myself physically sick from eating these MORE THAN ONCE), Buffalo Chicken (This is what made me fall off the vegetarian wagon)

Four Places I Would Rather Be: Thailand (Climbing! Beaches!), San Francisco, Red Rocks (Nevada), Colorado

Four Albums I Can't Live Without: "O Brother Where Art Thou" Soundtrack, Frantic Flattops-Cheap Women, Cheap Booze, Cheaper Thrills, Pink Martini-Both of them!, Alison Krauss Live.

Tag! You're it!
JewelWeed
Violet Girl (Maybe she'll update her friggin blog!)
Miriel
Boulder (He'll never do it)

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things That Grate On Every Nerve In The Schooligan's Body: 1. People who try to reason with cats. I contend that a well aimed squirt of water is infinitely more effective than saying to the offending feline, Now good kitties don't pee outside the litterbox, do they? No they don't. 2. Talking with a completely affected European/Canadian accent (Depending on where your current girlfriend lives) when you are 100% from Massachusetts and your parents talk normally. 3. Looking horrified when I tell you how much I spend on an iPod and then saying, Well, I am never going to buy one. Ok, fine. Don't. Noone is making you buy one. 4. Not putting a new roll of TP on the holder when you use up the last one. Putting it on the back of the toilet or the top of the empty roll DO NOT COUNT. 5. Trying to hit on me with emails full of grammatical errors. If you can't write a coherent sentence, I am probably just going to LOL at you. Possibly publicly. 6. People who don't apologize or accept blame when they are clearly wrong. When I fuck up (admittedly, often), the first words out of my mouth are "I'm so sorry!". 7. Characters in movies who scream a lot. 8. Not using the auto unlock button on my car and unlocking the doors manually. You see how the lock on the driver's door is busted off? Yeah, that's why. It's my car, learn it's quirks or DON'T USE IT. 9. Kids screaming/having tantrums in crowded public places. Yes, I know I don't have kids. I also know (as the oldest of 4 by EIGHT YEARS) how difficult it is to make them behave all the time. But I still don't have to enjoy it. 10. People dressed in dark clothes who leap out in front of my car while I am driving at night. This happens a LOT in my town, and I am terrified I am going to run someone over. 11. Paying money for crap beer. Yes, I know people have different tastes, and that is cool. I also know that if there is a FREE KEG of Bud Light, I am drinking the SHIT out of it. But don't expect me to pay for the stuff. It's barely even beer. Or drinkable. 12. People who aren't willing to try "different" foods. You don't have to like it, but at least TRY IT before you get grossed out. 13. THIS! If you want to use a picture of me for something public, like oh, I don't know A MAGAZINE, have the courtesy to ASK ME if it is ok. I will probably say yes, because I am vain like that, but don't just assume that it is ok. And then when I call you on it, don't expect that your crappy photoshop cropping is the same as an apology. It's not. I mean, how would you like it if I used a picture of YOU for an ad for, oh, I don't know, a three headed dildo without asking? Links to other Thursday Thirteens! (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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I used to complain that I had no shoes...

Until I started seeing a podiatrist.

Ok, so bump on my foot is not getting any better with off the rack orthotics. In fact, I told the foot guy today that they really weren't working out because they only fit in like THREE pairs of shoes. He looked at me like, What's the problem here? I petchulantly explained that I couldn't wear sneakers or snow boots ALL THE TIME. DUH.

So, before we decide to cut open my foot and remove the offending bone, Dr. Genius came up with THIS idea:



Yes, that's right. HE TAPED MY FOOT.

But really, is this the only solution? I mean, I can't have tape on my foot FOREVER, can I? At some point I am going to want to wash my foot.

Then I asked, How about if I go see a chiropractor?
Sure.
Do you think it will help?
Maybe.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

In the meantime, just call me TapeFoot.

Starting 2006

With insomnia!

I had low expectations for New Year's Eve. Really low. Even so, it ended up being the worst night EVER. Besides the pizza, which was delicious. First of all, Orlando Bloom, YOU SUCK. You are a terrible actor. AND GET RID OF THE SKANKY LOOKING MOUSTACHE. My brother, PT and I had a bunch of movies to watch, Kingdom of Heaven being one of them. Spare yourselves the boredom. And the suffering through bizarre slow and fast motion battle scenes.

I also watched War of the Worlds. Ok, so I REALLY want to like Tom Cruise the way I did when I was like 14 and before I knew how crazy he was and how much of a cult Scientology is. But I just can't. I can only look at him and think, This man is crazy. And also, This Movie Sucks. I mean, the Wells concept was scary enough, no? I mean aliens landing on earth and wasting major cities? Terrifying. So I thought Spielberg's aliens were overkill. But what the hell do I know? Oh and I just need to say that Dakota Fanning NEEDS TO SHUT THE HELL UP. I mean, she spends approximately 80% of the movie SCREAMING.

Anyway, PT fell asleep during KOH, but I stayed awake through that, Dawn of the Dead (the original), National Velvet and I was about to put in March of the Penguins, but then the cats started mewing for their breakfast right on schedule at 6.30 am. The best part was that not only could I NOT FALL ASLEEP, but every time I would start to think about dozing off, my heart would start racing and I would jerk up in a state of utter panic. WTF? Not an auspicious start to 2006.

On Sunday, I went to see Walk the Line. (Yes, I have done nothing except freak out and watch movies this past week. Oh, and not take down the Christmas tree or clean the house.) I thought I was in love with Johnny Cash before, but now I am completely and totally enamoured. I can't get over how good this film was. Which is awesome because it gives me something to contemplate at 4 am when I can't sleep.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things The Schooligan Found Surprising About Christmas This Year: 1. How much roast beef I was able to consume without Exploding. 2. Ditto Ham. 3. How sick I can get of Christmas Cookies. 4. How tolerant certain pets can be about festive holiday garb. (see yesterday's post) 5. That my dad donated our Christmas presents to charity. (Seriously) 6. How much I really wished he hadn't. 7. How much I wish I weren't so upset by this. 8. That my brother got me a deep fryer. 9. That this was one of the best presents EVER. 10. How PACKED the sex store was on Christmas Eve. 11. That people would think it was appropriate to wear Santa Hats to Midnight Mass. 12. How hard it was to find a church that actually had Midnight Mass at MIDNIGHT. (It's once a year, people, suck it up and have a coffee or something.) 13. How I am really sad that it's over.

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Post Holiday Frenzy!

This week I seem to have all sorts of engagements with people who are around for the typical "ONE NIGHT ONLY!". It's awesome because, you know, I love my friends, especially the ones I don't see all that often. (Kidding!) But dammit if it ain't exhausting.

Last night, my friend Tim*, who moved to San Francisco in 2004 (Thanks a lot, buddy.), wanted to have a climbing reunion. Since this is December in New England, we headed out to Metro Rock. We met up with Mikey and began a night of some serious climbing. Admittedly, I have been extremely lazy lately, but I was determined to keep up with the boys and not make an ass of myself in the process.

I started off by climbing a 5.10a/b. That was my warm up. And I did it without too much trouble. Then I climbed a 5.10b/c that Mikey had set. I fell twice on some difficult sequences, but managed to pull off the route without too much trouble. The boys then did a dicey .11a, I opted out of that one and instead hit another 10b/c that I completed without my usual amount of jackassery. I did a 5.9 called "Contortion" that was insanely awkward (hence the name) and made even more interesting, by having a hold that was completely loose that spun around when you stepped on it. Wheeeeeee! And finally, I did most of a 10c/d that I totally could have finished had I not been exhausted.

Blah blah blah, climbing, boring, blah.
Yes, I know. But it was awesome to have a reunion with my "climbing family", or at least part of the family. (Adam and Shruti, I miss you! I know you are having an amazing time in India and Sri Lanka, but dammit, it's not the same without you guys.)

For the Apres Climb, we met Forrest and Suzanne at Tokyo City, a Japanese place in Allston. If there is anything better than sushi post-climbing, I don't know about it. I sort of wish that I had a transcript of our dinner conversation. (although the incrimination factor would be absurdly high, but for oce we were NOT the most obnoxious table in the restaurant. IMAGINE!)
Some highlights:
"Can you imagine getting wasabi in your pee hole?"
"What?"
"Getting wasabi in your Urethra."
"Oh."
>pause< "I think pee hole sounds so much worse."

"You should try deep fried Oreos"
"Deep fried Oreos?"
"Yeah, tempura batter them and then fry them. So good."
"How about deep fried grilled cheese sticks?"
"Ewwww. Gross."
"You're telling me to deep fry OREOS and you think a fried grilled cheese is gross????"
"Have you seen that grilled cheese on e-bay with the Virgin Mary on it?"
"The one with bites out of it? Yeah."
"Isn't it like 30 years old or something?"
"Oooh! I heard about one guy who found the image of Mary and Jesus on a Funyun"
"A Bunion???"
"No! One of those like, onion ring snack things."
"Yeah, and then there was that Dorito that looks like the Pope's hat."
"Why does God like to appear on junk food so much?"

*Here are Tim and I on the last day of our climbing trip in Red Rocks, NV. (Please note that I am lounging on a crash pad and not actually climbing.)

Happy Holidays!

From all of us here at the Voodoo Lounge.

My brain can't handle it

The worst jokes EVER!

I want to personally find all the people that made these up and PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE a la Jay and Silent Bob.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things The Schooligan can't stop listening to: 1. Goody Two Shoes- Adam Ant (Write it on a pound note, pound note!) 2. Santa Baby- Marilyn Monroe (Think of all the fun I've missed, think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed...) 3. 99 Red Balloons- Nena (English and German*! Hast du etwas Zeit für mich Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich Von 99 Luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont) 4. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk- Trace Adkins (Ridiculous! Hillarious! Badonkadonk!) 5. I Want A Lover I Don't Have to Love- Bright Eyes (This song is so beautiful and disturbing and sad. "I want a boy so drunk he doesn't talk") 6. Blue Christmas- Elvis (My brother hates this song because it is "too sad". Well Sometimes Christmas IS SAD, buddy!) 7. Son of a Preacher Man- Dusty Springfield (This is the only good song she ever recorded. Seriously.) 8. Western Skies- Chris LeDoux (He died this year, and I am still sad. This song makes me miss Colorado so much it hurts.) 9. Dominic the Christmas Donkey- I have no idea (This song puts me into hysterics EVERY SINGLE TIME. I had no idea that Santa's reindeer had trouble climbing the hills of Italy. NO IDEA.) 10. Laffy Taffy- D4L (This is the WORST SONG EVER. So obscene. So funny. AND IT ONLY HAS 2 NOTES! Skeet skeet skeet!) 11. Grillz- Nelly (What can I say? Nelly does it again, even more ridiculous than the last time. Why? "Got bill in my mouth like Hillary Rodham." Ugh.) 12. Don't Change Your Plans- Ben Folds Five (Again with the heartbreaking. "You have made me smile again, In fact I think I'm sore from it, It's been a while.") 13. Another Travellin Song- Bright Eyes (Yes, I love the Bright Eyes. "I will fight like hell to hide that I have given up")

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My Kitchen

Is painted.
And slightly less ugly.
Wheeeeeeee!

Disclaimer

Everyone knows that the holiday season is the busiest time of the year. Right?
So, if, for example, people didn't their act together and get to the post office in time to mail out holiday packages, it would be totally understandable, right?
Ok, cool. Glad we are on the same page. Besides, it's so much nicer to get a surprise AFTER the holidays, so you can celebrate all over again. Right?

Ahem.

Not too much going on at the VL following the 2005 Cookie-paint-a-thon. Oh wait, I just made some chocolate chip banana cream bread. Smells fantastic. I did not, however, do it in a freshly starched dress, frilly apron and heels. (I am reading a book entitled "Finding Betty Crocker")

I am feeling sort of frenzied about the holidays, wanting to make sure the house is clean/painted/devoid of piles of detritus. And there is my desire to produce and overabundance of baked goods. PT remarked the other day, I liked it better when you HATED Christmas.

Tomorrow is my work "party". Well, actually, it is a lunch out where we eat and drink too much and then go back to work for 2 hours and struggle to stay awake. Or at least that is my version. It will be interesting to see this year's group interact in a vaguely social setting. Especially the guy who likes to talk about his hernia, pre and post-op. The same guy who offered to let his cube mate TOUCH THE HERNIA. The offer was politely declined.

We have Friday off, as well as next Monday, which is super nice, but for some reason the 4 day week always seems WAY LONGER than the regular week. It's like the anticipation of a holiday slows down the passage of time or something. (But unfortunately not in a way that allows me to get packages mailed in time.)

Ammendment

Oh, so on the bourbon ball recipe?
I totally forgot that you are supposed to add about 1/2 c. of sugar. Either granulated or powdered.

I got so caught up with the BOURBON, I forgot about all the other ingrediants.
How very like me!
So, sorry, but I am sure that they were fine anyway because corn syrup is really friggin sweet and then you rolled them in sugar (probably) at the end, so am sure they are yummy. But, again, sorry for the omission.

Yesterday Elaine and Leah came over to make holiday cookies. I spent the previous 2 days frantically freaking out on the phone to PT about how I needed to clean the house. Yes, I know that I could have just CLEANED it instead of getting hysterical while NOT CLEANING, but my brain totally doesn't work that way. I stopped myself from hands and knees scrubbing of the kitchen floor after remembering that we would be BAKING and therefore tossing dry ingrediants around Swedish Chef style and that it would be far more beneficial to scrub the floor AFTER we finished the cookies. I did however manage to get up ALL the broken glass, which I deemed necessary.

I had the foresight (and mania) to make up the sugar cookie dough ahead of time so that when the girls came over we could just do the fun part with the cookie cutters and the decorating. We made about 10000 cookies. Seriously. We then applied homemade icing with toothpicks and wee paint brushes to each individual cookie. It was fun... for about 4 cookies, and then we quit with the hand painted manger scenes and just started globbing on icing any old way. It was like a cookie sweat shop: three girls hunched over piles of cookies, silently decorating. Every so often one of us would eat a cookie and we would all sigh and think, Whew. That's one more we don't have to paint.

It was quite nice sitting in my KITCHEN THAT I FINALLY FINISHED PAINTING (oh yes i did!), eating and singing Christmas carols and baking. PT arrived unnanouced at some point, much to my delight. And proceeded to make a hummus and mozzerella stick sandwich. Not that I am getting on him about nutrition after I spent 2 days eating pretty much nothing but cookies. Just saying. But it was a lovely almost-christmas surprise. (The visit and the sandwich)

Suffice to say, the house looks immaculate and I am thoroughly sick of cookies.

Lest you think I complain...

About the crappy weather; despite having to chisel my way into the car this morning, I was totally greatful that it was like 30 degrees warmer than the past few days.

Ice Cubes

We had this totally annoying "ice storm" today. It was hyped as being completely HEINOUS and fucking up everyone's commute, so when my alarm (translation: hungry cat) began licking my head at 6.30 this morning, I eagerly got up to check the local school and business closings. No luck. Cock is 100% open. And here I am.

Honestly, the driving was fine. The worst part was scraping all of the ice off my car, which was COMPLETELY encased. I have this spray can of "de-icer" that um, sort of worked, with a lot of scraping and hacking and warming up of the car. So, actually, maybe it didn't really work. I did forget my gloves and froze my fingers off trying to scratch a peep hole in my windshield, so I treated myself to a Starbucks Mocha on the way to work. The warm cup managed to thaw my hands somewhat.

I went climbing with Forrest last night at Metro. The drive to Boston was typically horrid, but I was totally unphased and sat calmly in traffic drumming my fingers on the steering wheel and belting out "Goody Two Shoes". Like I said, I think the drugs are working. Yeah, that's right: FUCK YOU BRAIN ROBOT!

The climbing was good. F. convinced me to take my lead test, not because he particularly cares about me leading but so that I could give him authorized lead belays. I convinced the "lead test administrator" to let me lead a wickedly easy 5.7, and I passed with no trouble. I let him think I was a bumbling Noob, but then he noticed my torn and bleeding hands and said, "Oh, you must climb outside a lot." I confessed that I wasn't inexperienced, rather I was just lazy. He laughed and we exchanged climbing stories while he upgraded my ID from "Top Rope Access" to "Leading Access".

So there is one thing ticked off my "Thursday Thirteen To-Do List". Oh, and I made that gingerbread house too. And I totally ate those chips. Wheeeee! I am making such progress! (Am HONEST-TO-GOD going to paint this weekend.)

Bourbon Balls

Ok, here is the recipe for the Bourbonyest of Balls:

-Mash up about 50-60 Nilla Wafers into tiny pieces (Use the generic store brand, as they all taste slightly stale anyway, and why spend more money?)
-Melt about 1/2 bag of chocolate chips (or 2 discs of imported Mexican chocolate, yes, I am a chocolate snob.)
-Add... 1/4-1/3 c. corn syrup to the melted chocolate and mix together.
-Dump chocolate mixture onto Nilla wafers, and add about a cup or so of chopped pecans.
-Pour your favorite bourbon* liberally over the mixture. I think you are supposed to use about 1/4-1/3 of a cup. I use more. And noone complanins.
-Mix all together with fingers. If you find the mixture a bit too wet (because of excessive liquor or whatever), add some more cookies, or a wee bit of cornstarch, or shredded coconut (my favorite).
-Roll into small balls with hands and then roll balls into colored sprinkles, powdered sugar, cocoa powder, crack, whatever.
-Put into a covered container overnight and let them... ripen**.
-Enjoy!

*Because the alcohol isn't cooked in any way, I like to use a nice bourbon, like Maker's or Knob Creek. Last year, I used Basil Hayden's, but this year I am too broke for that kind of extravagance. Just don't use something crappy, Old Crow, Ten High, Rebel Yell (Oh dear god, please not the Rebel Yell. I got really drunk on a climbing trip on this shit and was seeing double the next day. Not ideal when trying to sport climb; "which bolt should I clip? I see four..."), because you will totally be tasting it.
**You can let them sit for weeks, or even months. My friend Secret Agent Sands found some bourbon balls in his car in... like... August, and they were STILL GOOD. Perhaps better.

The drugs must be working

Because I sat at the toll booth at the end of the Pike tonight for TWENTY MINUTES in traffic without getting at all angry.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things The Schooligan Can't Live Without (Seriously.) 1. Bourbon. ESPECIALLY Knob Creek, Maker's Mark, and Basil Hayden's. 2. The Internet (No explanation needed) 3. Netflix (Currently watching Season 3 of Degrassi Junior High) 4. My Edward Gorey Daily Planner (And yes, it needs to be E.G. I can't plan my life without him.) 5. THE RABBIT (Changed my life. For AWESOME!) 6. Diet Coke (And no, I don't care that it contains formaldehyde and will give me 8 kinds of cancer.) 7. General Gao's Chicken from Dragon Dynasty, (Hands down the best Chinese Take-out on the planet) and Dumplings, Shu Mai, Dammit, Chinese Take-Out in general. 8. Rock Climbing, although I have been an extremely slack gym rat as of late... 9. Fishnet Stockings (It is NEVER too cold for fishnets.) 10. Vintage Electric Percolators (I currently run a home for unwanted coffee pots) 11. SmartWool Socks (My socks have ZONES! Sometimes as many as 8!!) 12. Fleece. (Blankets, Vests, Pants, etc.) 13. Heels. (Preferably in the 4" range. Yes, I quite enjoy towering over most people. Resident SuperVillains excluded.)

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Skills

"I feel like I just can't bake anymore. I mean, I used to be really and consistantly good at it."
"Well, do you think it's realistic to believe that once you are good at something you will ALWAYS be good at something?"
"I don't know, but I feel like if I lose one skill I should at least be given another one, you know?"
"Have you tried juggling lately?"

Holiday Lessons

Do not try to construct a cheerful gingerbread house while sick with the flu.


Seriously.

Quick! Before I have to barf again!

It snowed quite a bit today.
I stayed home from work because... I think I have the flu.
I feel a level of misery that is unparalelled, although that could have been because I watched Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Johnny Depp really irritated me. Or maybe that is the fever talking.

This morning, it was snowing too heavily to drive, so G and I walked to the grocery store. It is only 1/2 mile each way, in a completely STRAIGHT LINE from our house. He told me to stay inside and rest, but I have read Little House on The Prairie one too many times, and thought a walk in the snow to get "supplies" from "town" would make me feel better.

It didn't.
NEither did dry heaving in a public bathroom.

p.s. The "go to hell room" is the back room of the house with the caved in ceiling (that needs to be fixed like every other fucking thing in this place) where we put everything that we don't know what to do with. We keep the door closed and pretend it doesn't exist.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things The Schooligan wants to do before the end of the year: 1. Finish Painting the Kitchen. ONCE AND FOR ALL. 2. Paint the pantry. 3. Build a gingerbread house. 4. Have drinks at the Chop House, which I cannot afford but for which I have a gift certificate. 5. Move the Ninja and the Villain back into the Voodoo Lounge. 6. Have the first Voodoo Lounge cocktail party. 7. Clean out the "Go To Hell Room". 8. Pass my lead test at the gym. 9. Lose 10 pounds! (yeah, right.) 10. Make a perfect pecan pie. 11. Mail out my Maker's Mark Holiday Cards. 12. Scotch guard the carpet. 13. Share a bag of Jalepeno Cheddar Cape Cod potato chips with Gargamel.

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A Post about The Climbing

Yes, I know, who cares? Lately, not even me. I was catching up on my reading the other day and looking over the October Issue of Climbing Magazine, and it was the special "Bouldering Issue", and IT WAS BORING. I am not interested in bouldering ONE BIT. There. I said it. Now onto the climbing...

Boulder and I made the death trek into Boston to climb at Metro Rock. I love climbing there, I really do. However, I do not love Paying $12 and having to drive for what amounts to almost TWO HOURS. Seriously. In traffic. Gah.

But, we made it. And met up with Forrest and did some climbing. I have been feeling pretty crap about my climbing latey. The summer was awesome, but I spent most of it learning to place gear on climbs that were way below my limit. Which is good. And safe. And proper. But no so helpful in maintaining one's strength. Mentally, I am a climbing MASTER, physically, however, I am kind of a wuss.

So, I was just expecting to putz around on some fairly easy stuff, get pumped out, and go home. Instead, I raced up an overhung 5.8 jug haul, stemmed up a 5.10b/c chimney, and almost flashed a 10c crimpy, balancy arete. It all felt great. I wasn't stressed or chasing number grades, I was just climbing for the pure enjoyment of climbing. Hot Dog! If only everything in life were that easy.

Unfortunately, my new "arch supports" are making ALL OF MY SHOES NOT FIT RIGHT. Which makes me extremely grumpy and unreasonable. Especially, when PT can't promise that he will not eat Jalepeno Cheddar Cape COd Potato Chips without me.

Him: I don't understand why you are making such a huge deal about CHIPS.
Me: It's not about the chips, it's about your unwillingness to do even the smallest thing to make me happy.
Him: But, still... they are just chips.
Me: Fine. Then why don't you and your mom and Ninja sit around your lovely home in Providence and STUFF YOUR SELVES WITH JALEPENO CHEDDAR POTATO CHIPS while I am up here doing something really unpleasant, like working, or painting the kitchen. And then, make sure you call me and tell me HOW GREAT THE CHIPS ARE!
Him: *laughs* I lit the evergreen potpourri for you so the house would smell nice when you came home. Isn't that nice?
Me: Not as nice as sharing chips with someone you care about.

Humbled by Health Insurance

Oh yes, I thought I was SO GREAT for having INSURANCE and being able to go to the doctor ANY TIME I WANT. Well, I sure got what was coming to me: ORTHOTICS!

I went to see a podiatrist yesterday as reccommended by my primary care doctor. She even went ahead and MADE the appointment for me, so all I had to do was show up! How great! See, i have this bump on the top of my left foot. It hurts sometimes when I wear certain shoes, but not too much. I think it has been there for more than a year anyway, without causing me much stress. But you know, since I was at the doctor anyway and she asked if I had anything else that concerned me I figured I would mention it. The doctor poked at it and confessed that she didn't know and sent me to a specialist.

At the office of all things podiatry related, (which makes me feel like a COMPLETE DORK, because cool people don't have things wrong with their feet, right?), the specialist poked at it and said he thought it was a bone spur and sent me for X-Rays. Turns out it isn't an extra growth of bone, it is my ACTUAL FOOT BONE. Apparently, because I walk like a fool, (and turn my feet outwards in a completely stupid manner), I have caused a BONE IN MY FOOT TO CHANGE POSITION AND PROTRUDE IN AN ABNORMAL WAY.

Awesome. Prognosis: I will most likely need surgery at some point to correct it where they will SHAVE OFF PART OF THE BONE and make my foot somewhat normal, I will almost certainly have arthritis, and I need to wear arch supports for, um, EVER. I explained to the doctor that this really wasn't possible because they wouldn't fit with some of my shoes. He told me to wear them "whenever possible", and that they cost $50 for the "off the rack" version and about $400 for the "haute couture" of orthotics. ALL FOR A STUPID BUMP ON MY FOOT.

That'll learn me.

I know this probably should NOT be funny. (But it really is.)

I recently re-discovered my therapist. I had stopped seeing her cause I felt pretty much fine. Then I fell down to the very bottom of the blackest of black holes and didn't go see her because I had given up on anyone being able to help me. Then, some months later, I ran into her at the place we both get coffee in the morning. I promised to call, and then I did.

I made the appointment fully thinking that I could just get away with bullshitting about nothing for an hour and then leave. For some reason, I was feeling really resistant to going back to therapy. I think I was/am afraid that it won't be enough to prevent me from falling back down the hole, and I am doomed and therefore FUCK IT. Nihilists aren't very good patients.

So, it was with this attitude that I walked into the office, sat down and expected nothing.

Yup. I was wrong. My therapist was all listening and writing shit down and, like totally helping me out. SO NOT WHAT I EXPECTED. She identified my major issues and said she would come up with a game plan to help me combat (she doesn't like the war analogy, but I do. And it's MY disorder, so I'm gonna use it. Phhhhhhhhttttt.) my demons.

I had to talk about the "episdode" though, (I love getting all Victorian about my falling off the deep end. It makes it seem much more socailly acceptable. If it were 1901.) and I used the analogy of the angry robot in my head that sometimes leaps out and destroys Tokyo and then leaves me to clean it up. And then I said, when I am acting really nuts and spewing acid, I can hear a tiny voice (not really. it's a metaphor not a halucinatiion. unfortunately.) in my head saying, "SHUT UP. You are behaving like an idiot. Just go somewhere else and stop making things worse.", but of course I can't and don't stop and end up stomping all over Japan. Afterwards there is this, like, exhaustion and sometimes a bit of woozy-post-party-What-The-Hell-Did-I-Do? stuff going on, but mostly, I just feel sad and pathetic and keep apologizing to whomever will listen and feel guilty about what a horrible person I am and how noone should love me because I am such a jerk. Classic.

So, being a trained professional in the area of psychosis, M. asks me, "So, do you hear or see things? You know, voices, things that aren't really there?" She goes on to try and describe, in the nicest way possible, what hallucinations are and how to identify them. Laughing, I said, "M. I've taken shrooms, I've seen the walls bleed, I KNOW what hallucinations are. This isn't like that."

Then she brought up the possibility that we might be dealing with a "personality disorder", took copious notes on my various "personalities"; angry robot-zilla, guilt ridden self loathing girl, and regular old rational Schooligan (Ha!), and said she would look more into it for me. Again, I had to laugh, not at her, but just at the situation. "Oh, like The Three Faces of Eve??" "Yeah. (laughing too) Like that. I just want to make sure we are looking at all angles here."

Finally, she gave me a book to read "An Unquiet Mind" about a woman with Manic-Depression. I had to ask, "Do you think that's what is really going on here?" Always the diploamt, "Well, I think it is safe to say, that you have some kind of 'mood disorder.'"

That's such a nice way of putting it. Plus I think "Mood Disorder" sounds WAY COOLER than just plain ole Depression.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things currently making the SCHOOLIGAN happy: 1. The Evergreen Scented PotPourri that Joan gave me. I put it in a bowl on my dining room table. Festive! Domestic! Unbelieveable! 2. BOURBON BALLS! 3. Nearly an entire month of dietary impunity! (Hey, it's the holidays!) 4. Acupuncture. (Quite possibly the missing link to my sanity!) 5. A closet FULL of discount hot sauce. 6. Fitting into a pair of size 6 pants. 7. Season 1 of Desperate Housewives 8. Having a nearly finished, slightly less ugly than when I started, kitchen. 9. Waking up in the morning with a general sense of Okay-ness. 10. My $28 gas bill for the month of October. (Not having heat is good for my wallet!) 11. Re-discovering the benefits of a good therapist. 12. Watching movies with Gargamel in a fort made of sofa cushions. 13. Instant Oatmeal. Delicious! Fast! Nutritious!

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