Shake. And Bake.

Tonight is the season finale of Top Chef so to celebrate, G and I made a gourmet dinner. Shake and Bake pork chops, crescent rolls and mixed veggies. We stopped short of instant mashed potatoes however. (baked. mmmm.) Wicked good, yo.

Last night, I attended my brother's National Honor Society Induction. I brought along the latest Mountain Gear catalog so I would have something to keep me from clawing my eyes out in boredom. My sister and I played that game where you point to random ugly things and say, "You have to wear that!" (A variation on the "That's your boyfriend" game.) We happened upon these pants and immediately cracked up. For the rest of the night everything was followed by "with crotch zip." Yes, I am a mature adult! Oh, and when someone's cell phone went off and played "The Entertainer" during a moment of silence, I totally did not cause a scene by busting out laughing. And I didn't blame my sister either.

The Upside to Hiking in the Rain

Once again, I dragged my sister on one of my hair-brained misadventures. In my defense, however, it was sunny when we left. Once we got to Williamsburg, it was decidedly overcast and threatening rain.

I had picked this particular hike because it included a Fire Tower which we hoped would be like the one in the worst movie ever. Of course we didn't actually want to be pursued by "cannibalistic mountain men grossly disfigured through generations of in-breeding" but it did make the hike more exciting. Oh wait, that was the rain storm.

We were probably 2 miles from the car when it started raining. Hard. And since it was perfectly sunny when we left home this morning I had neglected to bring my rain jacket.

Before it really started coming down, we had the good fortune to see some newts on the trail. Or salamanders. I don't pretend to know the difference, but let's be honest here, NEWT is a much funner word to say. Newt!

Eventually, we made it back to the car and it promptly stopped raining and the sun came out.

I took my sister to Bub's where I introduced her to the awesomeness that is Bar-B-Que. Oh man. If there's anything better than a pulled pork sandwich and a juke box with unlimited free plays after being rained on for an hour, I don't know what it is.

A Schooligan CAN Change

I used to hate avocado. I was told that it was only because I had never had a good one. I kept trying them and kept hating them until a recent trip to California when I learned what all the fuss was about.

Now I get it. And I will admit that I was wrong. Avocados are awesome. I made some amazing guacamole tonight. My brother, who also hates avocados, tried it and was converted.

Absinthe You've Been Gone

Yesterday, my sister excitedly dragged me into the kitchen, "Hey weiner, Look!" And there they were. The official biscuits of Schooligan Nation. My dad had purchased them, and upon his return from the store, my sister eagerly pounced on the box "PENNY FARTHING COOKIES!!" My father was rightly impressed by Annie's knowledge of obscure transportation and asked how she knew what they were. She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Dad, I know my antique bicycles."

Long night at the climbing gym. A bunch of people, some annoying, some self sufficient, kept me there until late, but didn't allow me to actually do any climbing myself. I mean, except for the pathetic traverses around the gym where I fell off every five seconds. I did, however, manage to finish setting my route, inspired by this video.



They MUST have been tripping.

P.S. I am in no way related to the boy in the black wife beater.

Confessions from the Top Secret Schooligan Files

I just finished a bowl of Edy's French Silk Ice Cream. (Am huge fan of the reduced fat ice cream. 1/2 the fat of regular ice cream = I can eat 2x as much!) For some reason, I am always suckered into this flavor. I don't know why. I don't even know what French Silk is. That's right, I have no idea what it is or why I even get it. Apparently I am not alone, as I googled "French Silk" and got about 1000 different recipes for pie.

In other ice cream news, my sister and I were at Dairy Queen the other week and got 2 Blizzards, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. We were totally disappointed to find that they had "Hardly any candy pieces in them." I mean, seriously, why get ice cream with yummy stuff blended in if there isn't any yummy stuff?

My sister emailed DQ headquarters and complained. Yesterday, she got a letter from Dairy Queen International apologizing for the Blizzards not living up to the quality standards we have come to expect from Dairy Queen's independently owned franchises. They included $7 worth of gift certificates and promised to launch an ivestigation into the Blizzard making at our local DQ.

Thank goodness! I would hate to see other people suffer the cruelty of Blizzards with "hardly any candy pieces in them."

Schooligan Nation: More complete from Bear to Zzzzz

Despite there being a Texas Ranch House marathon on the TV, Emily and I headed up to Mount Monadnock for an afternoon hike (Or as Timmycliff put it, an approach without a climb.) It was a bit of a slog for me due in no part to my Margarita consumption the night before. We sumitted and crouched down behind a boulder to much some clif bars and blueberry poptarts and get out of the wind.

The trip down was... uneventful. Until we were about 2/3 the way back to the car and rounded a bend and came upon a BEAR hanging out on the side of the trail. We stopped short and simultaneously had this reaction:
"Oh cool. It's a bear."
"OHMYGOD it's a BEAR!!!"

Lucky for us, Mr. Fuzzy Ears wasn't having a bad day or a sudden desire to maul. We looked at each other for half a minute and then he turned around and ambled away.

I just want to thank the Duggar Family for being so crazy. If it weren't for your 16 kids we might not have been talking animatedly and alerting the BEAR to our presence and instead surprised him and gotten ourselves mauled. You saved our lives.

Not having beat my body up quite enough, I went up to Rumney on Saturday with Rob adn Alissa. It was a perfect day for climbing and I was enjoying myself so much that I allowed Rob to convince me to get on this ridiculously vicious 5.10d at Triple Corners. Actually it was more like, "Oh, your gear is at the top, so if you want it back..." I fall for this every time. Those Schooligans, they just don't learn.

I managed to completely mangle my hands jamming a crack over and over and over while failing to do the crux move. You'd think I'd remember to tape up. (See above, re: not learning.) I eventually finished the route and retrieved my gear but not before starring in "Hang Fest 2006." Oy.

So, I haven't been sleeping very well. Or very much. I'm not sure why as I am not feeling bad or anxious in any other way. (I mean other than the usual, "Cat, you did NOT just knock over those flowers and spill water all over my bank statement!") I just couldn't seem to fall asleep and wake up rested. No matter what. So I went to see my doc on Monday. She gave me some Ambien in the hopes that it would help reset my sleep timer. She also made me promise to call her if had any concerns. Or, you know, drove my car into a tree or something. So far, so good.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things That Will NEVER Get Old

1. Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer"
2. Cereal Bawks
3. Blueberry Frosted PopTarts
4. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. (Best on a cold day, but good pretty much any time.)
5. The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4
6. Chinese Take Out (I think there have only been 2 occasions in my life when I didn't want any, and at least one of those was immediately following a dumpling orgy.)
7. Gin and Tonics (Especially drunk while lounging on the sofa in my underwear on a hot day. I am still PISSED that I left the bottle of Tanqueray in the freezer of my old apartment.)
8. Snuggling with the wee kitty zizzer snoozle pantses.
9. Climbing (duh.)
10. Napping in the middle of the day (Bonus points if on beach)
11. Hillarious (slash "drunk") home videos (bonus points if people fall in a humourous manner.)
12. Mechanical bulls
13. Leaving work early. (heh.)



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I don't begrudge you moving to the West Coast

But it doesn't mean I'm not gonna miss you like hell.

My friend Mikey had a going away BBQ this weekend. Fucker got himself a better paying job in a better climate in the same state as his girlfriend, AND TOOK IT!! Despite getting to catch up with some long lost climbing buddies (this means you, Graham and Ben) and meeting some new ones, the whole event was overall just v. sad. But like they say in Whistle Stop, "A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same." Or, "I have yet another reason to visit California."



On Sunday, I declared it "Lazy Sunday" and had PT make me cornbread (yum, thanks!) while I watched the Phantom Gourmet. Well, at least until the Phantom was over, then I declared "Sunday where we drive around the backroads of Sturbridge looking for a Holiday Inn that is really a Best Western and then go hiking in Tick Country." My sister and I had a lovely hike through Wells State Park where we saw beaver dams, tadpoles and an unattended baby. (That was later attended to, thank goodness.)

We hiked an awesome trail up to the top of a rocky ridge where we stood and surveyed the landscape and wondered if the updraft was strong enough to keep us from falling off. (We didn't get close enough to the edge to find out.) As we were about ready to head down, I SENSED something. My tick sense told me to check my sock. Sure enough, one of the little bastards was trying to burrow his way through my SmartWool. We flicked him away and took off running back to the car, glancing occasionally over our shoulders to see if he was gonna catch up to us on his mountain bike. (Hahahha. NOPE! Victory!)

Fun Fact for Yesterday

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons My Birthday ROCKED This Year (In no particular order)

1. Ems coming all the way from BROOKLYN to have dinner with me.
2. Getting not one but TWO bouquets of flowers from that special someone.
3. Pho Dakao living up to all the hype. I mean, MY hype. I've always thought it was awesome, I'm glad others agree with me.
4. PT "fixing" my cake so it wasn't lopsided. (Dammit! Why didn't I get a picture to show Rob?)
5. DKNY's "Be Delicious". Morgan, you are AWESOME!
6. Master Shake
7. Woodford FUCKING Reserve, thank you Jack! This bourbon is only available to gods and higher order Cherubim, which is why I have never perchased it. Good thing my friends have fewer black marks on their souls than I do.
8. Everyone being kind to my cake mishap (although doused with liquor, it was quite good, quite good)
9. I don't really feel any older. (Despite teetering on the edge of 30. Ok, not teetering so much as seeing 30 looming on the horizon and laughing maniacally.)
10. Fitting into my "skinny jeans" despite eating and drinking like I was at a bacchanalia for the previous week.
11. Handmade mullet card. (Is there any better way to show that you care?)
12. My coworkers giving me a pound of chocolates.
13. Being with the people I love and who love me despite all of my neurosis. Usually.

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The proper response to the beginning of another year

Wine Tasting. In Sonoma.

I spent last weekend in California visiting some old friends. In addition to wine tasting, there was also climbing.
I mean climbing.

THe climbing was a lot of fun, despite having climbed like, oh, ONCE since the end of winter (Which, in my defense was only like 10 minutes ago), I still managed to haul my atrophied ass up a 5.9 hand crack. I also managed to bruise and scrape just about my entire body. Just in time to go with Sara to a black tie fund raising Gala on Saturday! I managed to (mostly) conceal the battleground of climbing injuries with a lovely pink wrap and too many cocktails while skulking in the shadows of very rich people.

My birthday present to all of you.

The Schooligan Knows Her Assholes

Check it out!

I won 2nd Place!

Dyngus Day

Perhaps even more awesome than having 2 kinds of pork before 11 am (ham and kielbasa) is the fact the tomorrow youngsters of Polish and Hungarian descent get to dump water on each other. Since my family has become increasingly more Polish over the years, I am looking forward to getting drenched and switched by eligible young men.

One thing that was a bit disappointing about this Easter (although, I must say, it was preferable to being stuck in the Las Vegas airport after having missed my flight home like I did last year) was not being able to locate my mom's Babka recipe. Well, that and losing to my cousin in the highly competitive Easter Egg Smash (you hit the point of your egg against the point of someone else's and see who's egg remains intact). But one would think that a trditional family recipe would be easier to locate than, say, one for TERYAKI ICE CREAM.

My weekend, overall, was pretty productive. I found the game Operation (Where you're the doctor!) at a thrift store for $1.99 and combined with a 12 pack of Tecate made for a hillarious and stressful time. For real, that game is so fucking nerve wracking. I don't know anything more stressful than trying to remove a funny bone without causing Cavity Sam to buzz with the sound of your failure.
Honestly, my sister and I freak the fuck out every single time we play. It's hillarious. Even better are the "sudden movement of the playing surface" psych-out techniques that we frequently employ.
I also had my first taste of ice cream in 40 days today. Heavenly. Even though I was not able to descend upon the local Dairy Queen and slather my body in Blizzards, I did make brownies and then pile on ice cream, caramel sauce, banana, whipped cream and a cherry!

In speaking of caramel sauce, apparently my father had a run in with some ice cream toppings yesterday when he crashed his shopping cart into a display at the supermarket and sen hot fudge flying everywhere. As my sister gasped out the details of the story while practically incapacitating the both of us with laughter I chastised her for not whipping her cell phone out and recording the event.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Songs I Am Totally DiggingRight Now!

1. Hips Don't Lie-Shakira (I think she is so sexy, and it doesn't even matter that she is only like 4 feet tall. This song will not get out of my head.)
2. Whiskey for My Men (Beer for My Horses)- Toby Keth & Willie Nelson (I'm a sucker for cowboy songs and the phrase, "when the gunsmoke settles...")
3. In the Midnight Hour- Wilson Pickett (It's totally suggestive in the most innocent way.)
4. Hung Up- Madonna (Even though I do not approve of her hair lately, I mean, feathered? COME ON, this song is super danceable and catchy.)
5. Back to Hell-Alkaline Trio (Yes, kind of Emo for my liking, but well, I like it anyway.)
6. Lean Wit It (Rock Wit It)- Franchize Boyz (Ok, possibly the dumbest song ever, but for some reason, whenever I hear it I can't seem to stop leanin' wit it and rockin' wit it.)
7. Rompe - Daddy Yankee (I have no idea what he is singing about or why I am so fascinated, but he can totally be my Daddy. I dare you to listen to this song and not feel equal parts annoyed and entranced.)
8. Kerosene- Miranda Lambert (Love songs about vengeful ex-girlfriends. And pyromania. Can you say "Empowerment"?)
9. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Pardon (No, I have not seen the movie, but I totally want to. And Dolly is still awesome, if slightly plastic looking.)
10. I Shoulda Been A Cowboy- Toby Keith (This song makes me sad and nostalgic, but's it's so true I should have been a cowboy!)
11. Blue Mountain Hop - Bela Flack (The Bluegrass Sessions is probably one of my favorite albums ever. And everytime I hear this tune, I fall a little bit more in love with Bela Fleck.)
12. It's Tough to Have a Crush- OkGo (It certainly is. Dammit.)
13. Minority- Greenday (I think Warning was their last great album. Honestly I could not see why there was such a fuss about American Idiot because it sucked.)

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Banner courtesy of MoodSwing Creations.

I really really really want a donut

And some asshole had to go buy some and send me not one but TWO text messages about it. Only a few more days, baby. And then you are likely to find me lying on the floor bloated with empty Entenmann's boxes strewn about.

Oh, and as a warm up for my birthday (which I am not certain how I want to celebrate. should I have a party? well, should I?) I got a Happy Birthday postcard from none other than CHICKEN OF THE SEA! On the back was a coupon for 25 cents off a can of tuna! WHAT A CRAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! If you can show me a more effective way to prove to someone that you 100% do not care about their birthday, I'd like to see it.

Randomly I applied for a side job exercising Icelandic Horses. How cool would that be? (pretty cool) Unfortunately, I think they need someone during the week when I am, you know, WORKING. Sigh. I sent along my resume anyway, and we shall see...

Uphill Battle

Literally. Last night, in lieu of going to the gym, I decided to go running. For maximum awfulness I decided to run a hilly course, mostly uphill that is. It was soon apparent that I was no Rocky Balboa.

Or maybe I was Rocky in the early days of training when he fell over heaving and gasping on the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum. At least at the end of everything I didn't have to get pummeled by Apollo Creed for 15 rounds. I did however, manage to get in a decent workout as evidenced by soreness in 80% of my body.

After that I figured I was warmed up enough to make scones without injuring myself. Chocolate Cinnmon Scones, I'll have you know. And they are delicious, if only vaguely scone-like.

Satin Bedspread plus Satin Jim Jams Equals Nightmares of Luge

Before I say anything else, let me just say that my night at the rock gym reaffirmed my desire to remain ever childless. One dad and 4 boys under 11 and HOLY SHIT, isn't it passed their bedtime? How about now? Now? Oh, sweet Jesus, please. just. stop. yelling. and. running.

But on to how awesome my friends are...
Last night Forrest had us over to celebrate his 50th birthday. And what better way to celebrate than with single malt (Laphroaig, yesssss!) and some yummy olde wine that he mined from his cellar just for the occasion. The best part? We drank out of glasses USED BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY! Yes, apparently, he stayed at Forrest's mother's house in Idaho and drank (himself not exactly to death) out of the very glasses we were using. Despite the possibility of having some "Papa" in me, I dare say my writing has not improved much. But on the other hand, I don't have any great desire to shoot myself. So, there you go.

Having not learned my lesson with Jack's cheesecake, I went and made Forrest a Boston Cream Pie. It came out ok, except the custard was a bit more like creme brulee than I would have liked... and sort of lumpy. But surrounded by cake it was alright. I allowed that Jesus wouldn't mind of I had a teeny bite, just to see how it all went together. I was not struck down, but am not holding my breath for all of eternity.

Your Ass Got GONGED!

In the spring a Schooligan's thoughts turn to total and utter absurdity.

On Friday, G and I helped Jack celebrate his blank-blank birthday by going out for sushi. I managed to subtley eat more than my fair share of sashimi tuna. G had had the foresight to have a cheeseburger before we went just in case. As we were paying our check, the waitress overheard us saying it was Jack's birthday and she said, "Would you like the Gong?" WOULD WE EVER!

For the next two hours, Jack was temporarily deaf.

Back at the Voodoo Lounge, I proved the perfect hostess buy opening a bottle of bourbon and elating my guests with witty banter and full glasses of Frontier Whiskey, the ultimate in minimalist entertaining.

Is there anything more lady-like than "female trouble"?

According to Mrs Ruding, there is not. Which is why I should have been Venus rising from the fucking gynocological table.

Unfortunately, it is v. hard to appear ladylike and dignified when you are spread open beneath a piece of paper while total strangers examine your girly bits. Especially when they are wielding such tools as a PUNCH and a BRUSH.

The best best BEST part is that I have my period and as the doctor kindly YELLED DOWN THE HALLWAY as I was leaving my appointment, "Remember: Nothing in the Vagina for THREE DAYS!" Dammit. I had a whole list of things I was going to put there. Including, oh, I don't know, TAMPONS? Yes, I got my period a day later and was forced to go out and purchase and then wear A PAD. It has been so long since I have used one of these things (I like my Keeper) that I had no idea what to buy. I got something with wings.

I also have WICKED BAD cramps, which I do not normally have, but am thinking that my body is just punishing me for harassing the cervix (which, Emily is right, does sound like some kind of African antelope) Although after an acupuncture sesssion, I felt much, much better. So I went home, went running, did grocery shopping, made a cheesecake, tidied up, did NOT do laundry, and then curled up to watch "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio". It was good, but I kept thinking about how much my mom would have liked it, and that made me cry and unable to sleep despite the super snoozle powers of not 1 but 2 cats and all the crap TV and sleeping pills I could handle.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I Want For My Birthday (April 26)

1. A HAUNTED PIANO
2. A pastry roller
3. A freaking iPod. An old one, even. I don't even want to 60GB video (although would not refuse one), just a 20GB 4th gen. I'll even take a REFURB!
4. A new comforter for my bed. The one I currently have caught on the bedframe and when I pulled it loose, it tore wide open. Now I sleep wrapped in the stuffing that has oozed out of the wound.
5. D&G Jeans
6. DK "Be Delicious" Perfume
7. Photoshop Lessons (This means you, PETER.) I still can't wrassle my way to a decent finished project and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in WinPaint.
8. This white eyelet skirt from the Gap.
9. Dinner at a steakhouse. Especially a cheesy chain, like PRONGHORN or BUGABOO CREEK. Definitely one that sings happy birthday to me while I sit on a sawhorse with raw meat hanging out of my mouth.
10. A bottle of Bulleit Frontier Bourbon
11. This T-Shirt
12. These Shoes
13. Someone to worship me while I minx about in the above.