When ranting gets results

Last Thursday I bemoaned the lack of straight leg jeans. The next day, I stopped into the Gap, where I had not been in many a month since I am doing this "don't waste/spend money thing, but figured that since I had a $10 off coupon I could maybe find something on the clearance rack that fit into my budget (i.e. $10). Well, lo and behold:


Jeans! With a straight leg!
Of course they were more than 10 bucks, but since I was probably never going to see the likes of them again this side of never, I bought them. And they are perfect.

Now, how about bringing back the Mars bar?

We be burnin'

On Saturday, I was driving around with my brother and listening to his Sean Paul cd.

Me: I gotta say, I'm kind of surprised but this is a really good album.
Him: Yeah. It's good... if you like getting yelled at by Jamaican people.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I Wish Existed

1. Mars Bars- The Snickers almond is close... but not quite the same.
2. Baja Picante Doritos- Simpley the best flavor EVER. It went away somewhere around 2002... and life has never been the same.
3. Destiny's Child- Although every 15 minutes they get back together for their "Final Tour Ever".
4. Arthur Treacher's- OK, I know they exist in other places, but not near me. I have very fond memories of eating their corn dogs as a wee child.
5. iPod Mini- Again, yes, I realize you can get one from eBay or similar, but Apple did stop making them and released the Nano.
6. 8 Hole Doc Marten Boots in Bottle Green- My very first pair of Docs, purchased when I was 15. They were discontinued soon after. WHY? WHY? And why have they made their shoes progressively uglier over time?
7. My old Commodore 64- I really miss all the crap, yet awesome, games I used to play: Temple of Apshai, M.U.L.E., Robot Rascals, and the worst horse show game EVER. *Sigh*
8. Stright Leg Jeans- If anyone can find them PLEASE let me know. Not tapered, just straight. My last pair was purchased at Old Navy in 2001. I still have them, but am unable to find any jeans that are not "Boot Cut" or *shudder* "Flare" (which make my ginormous thighs look even bigger than they already are). I respect the Boot Cut, but need variety.
9. Dinosaurs- Duh.
10. Cinnamon Bagels without Raisins- I hate raisins. HATE THEM. I have been known to pick each one out of a bagel before eating it.
11. Mitch Hedberg and Wesley Willis- 2 of the funniest people EVER. Why did they have to die? Especially when people like this and this are still around being decidedly not funny.
12. Laudanaum- Although technically still available by prescription, isn't that common anymore. Nor is it available in your local drug store and "cheaper than a bottle of gin". Sigh. Victorian women had all the fun.
13. Skeleton Pirates- See previous entry on Pirates of the Carribean

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How to effectively piss off the Schooligan in one hour or less...

TSV ( "Turquoise Sweater Vest" aka the most annoying, petty, ridiculous man on the PLANET) walks by my desk this morning and says, "What's up with the refrigerator door?" (note: the small fridge in our area is across from where I sit, by the printer) I say, "I give up? What's with it?" Him, "The door is really sticking. I'm not sure I'll be able to get my sandwich out." Me, *cold stare* followed by eye roll as he walks away.

Dude, what the fuck? Do I look like the fucking Maytag repair man? What exactly would you like me to do about this? Where in my job description does it say "refrigerator repair and maintenance"? I should mention to our boss that you CLEARLY do not have enough to do.

Slapstick weekend

I recently crossed over to the darkside and got cable. I got tired of begging and pleading with Verizon to make the internet work. Which didn't work consistently and cost a lot of money for something I could rarely use. I discovered that for LESS than I was paying for internet and phone, I could have internet and TV. So I signed up. I have to say that I haven't had TV since I graduated from college and I feel really decadent lazing about watching all manner of (entertaining) crap.

Sunday night, G and I cuddled up to watch the PBR. I have to say that even though I have moved back East and hung up my spurs I still really enjoy watching rodeo. Especially bull riding. (I dated a bull rider a million years ago. Let me just say that it got kind of old watching him get gored and stepped on every week.) Say what you want about rodeo being cruel to animals, (that would be FOOD if they weren't performing) I don't really think it is and having spent a good deal of time in back of the chutes can say that the majority of these animals (that make people a lot of money) get treated pretty well most of the time and annoyed for approximately 8 seconds per week. And let's face it, you can't really make a 2000 pound bull do something it doesn't want to do. (Where did that soapbox come from?)

As the short go began we heard a terrible crash, the sound of cat food flying everywhere and little kitty feet racing around the kitchen. Jumping up we discovered that Ninja had somehow climbed up into the cabinet in the pantry where I stored the cat food, opened up the flip top lid on the plastic container, spilled the cat food all over the place and had gotten the lid stuck around his head. Of course this freaked him out and he was frantically racing around with his head stuck, crashing into things and trying to dislodge himself. After we stopped laughing we managed to catch him and pry the lid off his head.

Body Massage

On Monday I dragged my brother and sister out for a hike. Somehow I thought 24 degrees was plenty warm for traipsing up the side of a mountain. The side of a mountain which, due to the warm again-cold again winter we've been having, was a mixture of snow and ice. Mostly ice. In addition to our faces freezing to the point that we were slurring like drunks every time we tried to speak, we each took several comic spills while trying to glissade our way down.

Filler

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Thursday 13

Thirteen SongsThe Schooligancan listen to on infinite repeat (The Bluegrass Edition): 1. 1952 Vincent Black Lightening- Del McCoury (I love this song so much. There is something so beautifully tragic about a motorcycle accident.) 2. Let An Old Racehorse Run- Del McCoury (Again, so beautiful and sad.) 3. Man of Constant Sorrow- Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys (Although any version of this song ROCKS. I keep pestering my boyfriend to cover it with his hardcore band. No luck yet...) 4. Every Time You Say Goodbye- Alison Krauss (I am a little bit in love with her. She is so amazing.) 5. Rusty Cage- Johnny Cash (I have to say I like Cash's cover better than the Soundgarden original, which is also a kick ass tune... But man, That Johnny Cash.) 6. I am Weary (Let me rest)- The Cox Family (This song has literally made me cry in my car. I don't know why but this type of music really hits a nerve...) 7. Same Ole River- Sam Bush. (Just really singable. And pretty) 8. Wreckin' Ball- The Frantic Flattops (Although not technically bluegrass, I feel like I can include Rockabilly on my list. Rockabilly shares all my sentiments about liquor, fast cars and loose women.) 9. Hot Rod Lincoln- Any (Love love love this song. "Breaks are good, tires fair") 10. Miner's Refrain- Gillian Welch (I love her. So sad, so beautiful and I really wish she'd get a better haircut) 11. All For You- Nina Nastasia (Yes, not technically bluegrass either, but so beautiful and sad, which apparently appeals to me quite a bit.) 12. Sympathique- Pink Martini (I have a thing for songs in French that I can only partially understand. Still these guys are amazing. Really. Amazing.) 13. Viva Las Vegas- Elvis (I have no idea why, but this song makes me deliriously happy. Over. And. Over. And. Over.)

Coming down from the sugar high

Although, in my defense I barely ate any chocolate. I did however drink several amazing cocktails invented by me! Let's just say, strawberry puree is a wonderful thing.

G-Unit and I had a perfectly lovely evening, what with the cocktails and the fantastic dinner he cooked. (Szechwan style beef and mushrooms over rice. Oh, and egg rolls.) We did not get Saw 2 yesterday as we had hoped, which was a wee disappointment, but the awesome home made (the only way to go) Valentine more than made up for it.

We reflected on Valentine's past:

"Remember last year when we got Chinese take-out and ate it at my very tiny apartment and I freaked out because I thought the walls were closing in on me, but it was only because I was wearing 4 inch heels?"

"Or the year before that when we lay on your sofa and drank Jim Beam straight out of the bottle while watching the Matrix Reloaded?"

"Yep. Good times"

Happy Valentine's Day...Time to DIE!!!

I like scary movies even though I usually get so scared I have to sleep with the light on and have the cats check to make sure there are no psycopaths in the closet. One of my favorites is Saw. Man, super creepy, even though Gargamel says that in a fight between me and a puppet on a tricycle, I would totally win.

Anyway, Saw 2 comes out on DVD TODAY! I have had it on my Netflix list for weeks, eagerly awaiting its arrival. Word on the street is that it will be arriving today! Is there anything more romantic? I don't think so.

The day has started off well. I ate 2 pieces of Perugina chocolate for breakfast and then had an acupuncture session. Right now, I feel like lazing about on a pile of sabayon. Mmm. I also got 4 "intradermal" needles. Yes, that means I have 4 teeny needles sticking in me RIGHT NOW, 2 in my stomach and 1 on each leg. Apparently they are going to provide constant stimulation to those points. Or something. At any rate, I think my qi is flowing better already.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Celebrities Who Should Go Away

1. Lindsay Lohan- We have stopped caring about your boobs, your eating disorder and your effed up family. Also, you can neither act nor sing. Peter Griffin said it best, "What do you want Lindsay? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
2. Paris Hilton- We get it. You are rich. You also like to have sex on camera. You are very stupid. Plesae stop talking.
3. Angelina Jolie- Yes, you are gorgeous. Yes, you are having a child with the most attractive man on earth. Stop making us feel ugly and go save the 3rd world.
4. Katie Holmes- You have convinced NOONE that you are either madly in love with Tom Cruise nor pregnant. Please go hunker down in the Scientology compound and stop torturing your family with your ridiculous antics.
5. Tom Cruise- You are insane. Along with your sanity, you appear to have lost your ability to act. War of the Worlds was terrible, and no amount of rewatching Risky Business, Top Gun or Jerry Maguire can erase that horrible performance from my mind.
6. Mary-Kate Olsen- So, you recovered from an eating disorder and then dropped out of college to "work on your career". Um... What career? If I remember correctly, New York Minute was a total disaster. Oh, wait. Do you mean your toothpaste line? Whatever. Oh, btw, you look like a homeless person.
7. Kevin Federline- I am loathe to even refer to you as a celebrity, but I guess you are by association. Please take your poorly dressed, slobby, white trash self and leave Britney and child alone. She used to be so cute and lively, but since she hooked up with you (For reasons that are clear to noone) she has turned into a dejected version of her former self. You have proven beyond any resonable doubt that you are a bad father, so let's give little Sean a fighting chance, ok? Go away.
8. The Rolling Stones- Your performance at the Super Bowl was abysmal. All of you, but especially Mr. Jagger. Clearly time has not been kind to you, so spare us any more of your pathetic, out of time, gyrating.
9. Jessica Simpson- You made such a big deal about saving your virginity for marriage, but then as soon as your marriage is over you are rumored to be humping the cast of Jackass. Also, that ad you did for Pizza Hut that aired during the Super Bowl? That was just tasteless. You are better than that.
10. Kelly Osbourne- Another one who is famous for practically no reason. Did you eat a live bat on stage? I didn't think so. Also, you can't sing or dress yourself. So, just quietly fade into obscurity, ok?
11. Nelly- God, your songs have always been dumb, I mean "Air Force Ones"?? Please. But you have totally outdone yourself with "Grillz". Dude, here's a secret: Bejeweled teeth do not look good. On you, or anyone else. Stop trying to create a trend for people to follow, I mean, you FINALLY got rid of the band-aid, why the backsliding?
12. Fergie and the Peas- Ok, your music has gotten progressively more ridiculous with every song. "My HUMPS?" What the hell? But for some reason I just Can't. Stop. Singing. Whatcha gonna do with all that junk... DAMMIT.
13. Dakota Fanning- You are not cute like Drew Barrymore in E.T., nor are you amazingly creepy like Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire. You are just annoying. And you can't act. (See above, re: War of the Worlds) Therefore I think that it is in everyone's best interest that you disappear and then resurface in like 5 years with a drug problem or something.

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It's o.k. to be okay.

For some reason I have started spelling out the word "okay", instead of just using the letters. Why? Why must I make an abbreviated phrase twice as long as it should be? There is some debate about the etymology of o.k., but I like the story (which my good friend Agent Sands related to me sometime last year while we drove his car to the Volvo mechanic) that it stands for "all correct", or "oll korrect". Apparently there was a fad in the 1830's involving "comical abbreviations" and humorists of the time liked to use "exaggerated misspellings". O-Kay!

Other recent incidences of "okay-ness" include getting my "new" car on Friday and then using it to truck a bunch of furniture back from Ikea with my friend Elaine. I am now the proud owner (well, not exactly as the bank owns it until I repay the loan)of a Subaru Forester. Elaine and I discovered, through the magic of the internet, that the Subaru logo, is based on the Pleiades star cluster in the constallation Taurus,

Intriguing, no?

We made this fabulous discovery whilst watching the Super Bowl. Elaine had put together an amazing spread with Nachos (I ate, like, my weight in nachos. Seriously.), veggies and hummus, cake and buffalo wings. I ate some wings and then had to physically restrain myself from licking the buffalo sauce off the rest of them, and instead stuff more nachos in my face.

Finally, I warn everyone who is considering watching "The Ring 2" to NOT BOTHER. G and I attempted to warch it last night, but as the storyline became more and more ridiculous we focused our attention on rearranging the stack of pillows we were lounging on to provide optimal comfort. And then fell asleep.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen of the Schooligan's Guilty Pleasures 1. Celebrity gossip magazines. (Personal fav: In Touch because it only costs $1.99) 2. Watching an entire season of Sex and the City in one sitting. 3. Looking through my college alumni magazine to see who got married or had a baby. 4. Eating Swedish Fish in my car. (I keep a bag in the glove compartment.) 5. Hitting snooze repeatedly. 6. Rereading favorite books. (Favs: Bridget Jones' Diary, Fried Green Tomatoes, and the Little House on the Prairie series) 7. Playing dumb horse related games on the computer. (Usually designed for 12 year old girls) 8. Napping on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 9. Eating ice cream for breakfast. Straight out of the carton. 10. General Foods International Coffees 11. Shoe Shopping. (Although not lately as have no money.) 12. Manhattans before dinner. (Or sometimes, Manhattans FOR dinner.) 13. Reading blogs of people I kind of know.

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Today I got reprimanded for not posting in like a week by Alissa whom, I do not hate, and in fact like quite a bit and one of these days I will work up the nerve to ask her out for a cocktail. Any woman who can appreciate the aethetics of a martini is a friend of mine.

The Cock has been insanely busy lately with all sorts of Cock related business. The good news is that I got my performance review this week and got excellent ratings from the powers that be. I also got a 7% raise! This translates into roughly $1 more per hour, but is still MORE MONEY, which I desperately need because I am on the verge of buying a car.

I don't want to get rid of my beloved Panzer, but with 145,000 miles and at least $1000 worth of stuff that needs to get done, it just doesn't make enough financial sense to keep pouring money into a car that isn't worth that much. I mean, worth it in terms of Trade In Value, or what have you, because the car is worth it's weight in gold for being such a great car. *sniff* We had so many good times, the Panzer and I, and I feel guilty getting rid of it. Yes, I realize that is ridiculous because the car obviously does not have feelings, etc., but still...

In other news, apparently I can still climb despite being a total sloth all winter. Went to the gym last weekend with Forrest and managed to climb several hard 5.10s and not look entirely like a flailing water buffalo. I also didn't feel as though my arms were going to fall off.

Have rekindled mild obsession with William Howard Taft. Recently saw wedding annoucement in the Sunday Times where William Howard Taft IV married someone with a ridiculous name. Taft was the fattest president with Grover Cleveland coming in at number 2.

Thursday (Yes, I know it's Friday) Thirteen

Thirteen Things about The Schooligan 1. I was too busy with work yesterday to do this post. (I know, wtf?) 2. I really don't want to have to buy a car in the near future. 3. I am definitely buying a car in the near future. 4. It is probably going to be a Subaru. 5. They are freaking expensive. 6. But totally worth it. 7. My least favorite pair of pants fit a bit more loosely. 8. I don't feel like my thighs are going to burst the seams. 9. Of course, I also can't enjoy any kind of food because it all tastes icky. 10. Ditto alcohol. 11. The situation is good for my waistline, bad for my morale. 12. How long until Saw II is out on DVD? 13. This is a crap list. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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Take that, Depakote!

After 2 weeks on being on a drug that has the unfortunate side effect of weight gain, I am actually 5 pounds lighter! I am sure a lot of it has to do with the other side effect, "Makes food and drink taste like ass". No, seriously, I have this sort of sweetish, lingering, unpleasant taste in my mouth. It's like you wake up in the middle of the night after eating a bag of Swedish Fish and not brushing your teeth. Minus the bits of red gummy shit between your teeth. Except that it doesn't go away. Ever. It even disrupted my consumption of Madfish Shiraz, which is one of my favorites. (The Chardonnay is one of the best I have ever had. Period.) It's really not in anyone's best interest to come between the Schooligan and her alcohol.

I went to the chiropractor (I know, I know, ANOTHER medical story. What the fuck is it going to be like when I am 80?) today to get my pelvis aligned. With a $20 co-pay it was far less painful than the one my car got the other week. The best part was when she was looking at the X-rays on the lighted X-ray viewer thing and she put up the one of my pelvis and there, in all it's glory, was a perfect outline of my cooter. It was like x-ray camel toe vision. As if I didn't feel dumb enough in my striped tent sized gown that refused to stay closed and weird velcro back adjustment shoes. (I have no idea what the fuck that was all about.)

After careful examination, the chiropractor determined that my spine and hips and neck and whatever else are all torqued slightly to the right. But other than that, I am totally healthy.

I am a horrible person, part... infinity

I got an email today from someone that I think I inadvertantly offended in one of my posts. It was one of those times when I was trying to be witty and failing miserably. So, i just want to apologize for my stupid typing tourette's and state publicly that I am a bigger bitch than you think I think you are. (oh, and no offense to anyone with Tourette's either. sorry.)

I got some x-rays today. For the chiropractor. I looked at them and they are pretty cool. Especially the ones that show my navel piercing. PT said, Wow! You have some sort of alien implant. That explains a lot.

Other than that, I don't really know what I am looking at. Except that nothing is obviously broken... or missing. Which is reassuring. Slightly.

What's this? More ridiculous medical problems?

You betcha. Sort of.

I went to see a chiropractor today re: my fucked up foot. I thought that before I have them cut it open and shave off the offending bone I would see if there was anything else that I could do.

Turns out there really isn't. Well, except for these DIFFERENT ORTHOTICS that the chiropractor recomended that will help my feet stay put when I walk. But apparently my pelvis is out of alignment [wink, wink, fuck you.] and she is going to fix that on Wednesday. Oh, and there is some weird stuff going on with my neck and shoulders (DUH) and she suggested I see a massage therapist. Hahahahaha. Whew. Massage therapists are funny. Well, at least ONE of them is. You know, the one that NEVER GAVE MASSAGES. Yeah, that one. (Who is PREGGERS and due in FEBRUARY, fyi.)

The funny part was when she was asking me about any past back trouble or injuries and I remembered that time I was schooling a pony for my neighbor's kid and she decided she'd had enough and bucked me off. I ended up hitting the ground (on my back) pretty hard and lying there for a few minutes thinking that I would probably die there because I couldn't move and the dumb pony was munching some grass just outside the ring instead of going for help. I did get up, put the pony away and hobbled up to my house where I lay on the couch for about 2 days unable to move. I called out of work that day (I was waiting tables at the time.) and my boss demanded to know why the hell I would go horseback riding before work. As though that were more ridiculous than waiting tables for $2.65 an hour. Jerk. (The place is out of business now. heh heh.)

The chiropractor then asked me how many times I had fallen off horses. I was like, 8, 9, 10? I don't know. Too many times to count. Then she put on my chart "multiple falls from horse". Which, I have to say, is better than "walks like an uncoordinated duck."

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things The Schooligan Misses About Being a Cowboy



1. Being able to wear chaps and not look ridiculous
2. Spurs that Jingle Jangle Jingle
3. Doing shots of Wild Turkey at the Rodeo ("kickin' the chicken" and also perfectly legal. The concession stand sold hard liquor. Imagine!)
4. Being able to say "Y'all" and "Folks" without anyone wondering why
5. Listening to the coyotes howling at night
6. Working the chutes for calf roping
7. The sound of boots on a wooden floor
8. Drinking beer outside the barn after work
9. Rounding things up (horses, cows, people)
10. Feeling PHYSICALLY exhausted at the end of the day
11. Not caring how dirty I am
12. Wide open spaces
13. Waking up in the morning knowing the only thing I have to do that day is get on my horse and ride




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How am I supposed to love myself when it's OBVIOUS that God hates me?

Seriously.

I had a premonition that this would happen: I pay off my car and it immediately falls apart.

And the thing about Volkswagens is that they are constructed from mystery so only 4 people in the world know how to fix them, and they charge at least $300. Every. Time.

Last week, in between more trips to the doctor than is reasonable for someone my age, I dropped my car off to get an alignment. The garage calls me back and says that in addition to the alignment, I also need new ball joints (which are apparently very imprtant in preventing the wheels from falling off). I ask how much it is going to cost, the dude does some quick calculations and... yup. $300. (Turns out it was only $291! A bargain!)

Today, while PT was driving back from Framingham the car apparently hiccuped and the CHECK ENGINE light came on. After said hiccup, the car appeared to be driving fine. ANd it is. Except for that glaring orange reminder that I am now the proud owner of a car that is going to fall apart at any moment.

*sigh*

I Yin When I Should Be Yanging

I had my acupuncture session today. It was good...mostly. I mean there was the part where someone brought their toddler (I think he was like a year old or something. Is that considered a toddler?) into the office and he apparently needed to run around, shriek and bang on the walls in such a way that I felt like yelling, "Hey! Would ya keep it down? Some of us are trying to realign our Qi!"

I had mentioned to acu* lady that I haven't been sleeping well. Make that, I haven't had a night where I did not wake up and pace the house restlessly and/or watch old episodes (I guess they are all old, really, since I don't think they are making new ones...) of Jeeves and Wooster until about 5.30, when I then doze off for a fitful one hour of sleep, SINCE FRIDAY. Yes, that would be four days of getting around 3 or 4 hours of sleep each night. Strangely (or perhaps not), this pattern manifested itself on Saturday when I started a new type of drug. One that apparently keeps me awake and that I can't take a sleeping pill with because it will cause a coma or a seizure or a lethal skin rash or something.

Still, I left the session with that lovely, bright, floaty feeling of well being. Until I bonked my head while rummaging through my trunk. Total buzz kill.

* Reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg (RIP) joke, "I went to go see a doctor, but all he did was drink blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula."