Topic of today's group information session.
You know those nightmares where you realize you are in school/at work/speaking at the UN and totally naked? On the same theme, I have this paranoid fear of trying on clothes in store dressing rooms and then forgetting to put my pants back on and walking out into the store pantless. I've never actually done this. Or even come close. But I worry about it. A lot.
Today I had to give an information session to a group of prospective students and parents. Of course I was freaked out because the last (and first) time I had given one was over a month ago and surely I had forgotten everything I ever knew about Clark in that time.
Also, I realized that the pants I am wearing today make me feel naked.
I mean, they are just black, cropped pants (like pretty much ALL my pants) but the key difference is that they actually FIT me. I almost never buy clothes that actually fit. Mostly because they haven't made clothes to fit my body in at least 30 years. But also because I worry that if I buy clothes that fit I will gain weight or something and then they won't fit and I will be down one pair of pants. So I buy things that are too big. And then I buy a lot of belts.
So, I had on my naked pants and my nautical-themed shoes (which are the most awesome shoes EVER) and a striped shirt and my anchor/ship's wheel necklace that my (awesome) sister got me and a room full of people who were only mildly interested in what I had to say. And half of whom left early. And the rest of whom didn't find any of my "jokes" even remotely funny.
Sigh.
Must go home and cobble together a pizza in a (probably) hopeless attempt to redeem myself after the Great Paella/Biscuit Disaster of Last Weekend.
Friday, September 21, 2007
What The Kids Are All Talking About These Days
Me: Rockabilly Vampire?? I want my boyfriend to be a Rockabilly Vampire!
MiniSchooligan: I know, right? It's perfect! Sleep all day, rock all night!
MiniSchooligan: I know, right? It's perfect! Sleep all day, rock all night!
Monday, September 17, 2007
I Should Really Know Better By Now
With the temperatures getting cooler and the air getting crisper it's prime apple pie and bourbon drinking weather. There's nothing quite like a cool night and a good glass of bourbon to make you feel warm down to the tips of your toes.
While bourbon sipping goes quite well with porch sitting and conversing with friends, it does not necessarily make cooking easier, although it does frequently make it more delicious. (See: bourbon balls, bourbon pecan pie and sauteed duck breast with bourbon cream sauce. Hmmm. There's an idea for a dinner party...) There may have been a slight biscuit disaster following the aforementioned bourbon sipping. (Note: "grease pan" is not a mere suggestion.) However, I was able to perform some damage control by dousing the whole debacle in cheese gravy. Cheese! It's good for covering up mistakes!
While bourbon sipping goes quite well with porch sitting and conversing with friends, it does not necessarily make cooking easier, although it does frequently make it more delicious. (See: bourbon balls, bourbon pecan pie and sauteed duck breast with bourbon cream sauce. Hmmm. There's an idea for a dinner party...) There may have been a slight biscuit disaster following the aforementioned bourbon sipping. (Note: "grease pan" is not a mere suggestion.) However, I was able to perform some damage control by dousing the whole debacle in cheese gravy. Cheese! It's good for covering up mistakes!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Answer: Who says Percherons can't pull?
Question: How do you start a bottle fight at the Sterling fair?
This Sunday, my sister and the lovely Serena (adjunct family member) and I went to the Sterling Fair. I like this fair for many reasons, the least of which is not that it's totally free. Prizewinning vegetables + ample amounts of fried food = One really great time. (Insider's tip: When assembling your vegetable cornucopia, make sure your cucumbers are the proper size. The judges this year were totally frowning on over sized cukes.)
I may have been born in Worcester, but I am totally a down home girl at heart. There's nothing like some draft horse competition and cute boys with Skoal rings on their pockets to make me want to grip a piece of hay in my teeth and sheepishly kick a dirt clod with the toe of my boot.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Everyone is nicer in Minnesota
Especially lumberjacks. But also hipsters.
Spent the weekend in Minneapolis visiting Slevy, drinking, and going to the State Fair. I have to say that I'll know I've made it when my face is carved into a hunk of butter.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Categorizing People Isn't Something We Do In the Buffet Line
Today was the "Fall Kick Off" reception at President Bassett's house. I pretty much went for the free beer. And hors d'oeuvres. I had sort of forgotten that I would have to mingle. With professors that I had like 10 years ago who totally didn't remember me.
I did meet a cute English professor who mistakenly sampled a beet and watercress appetizer. And a guy who ALSO likes olde tymey baseball and penny farthings. And another native-Worcesterite who has no accent. Oh, and I didn't drink or eat too much or say anything stupid to the President. A rousing success!!
I did however agree to run a 5k in September. But I did that BEFORE I started drinking, so I must just be a colossal idiot. Instead of a drunken idiot. Shit.
I did meet a cute English professor who mistakenly sampled a beet and watercress appetizer. And a guy who ALSO likes olde tymey baseball and penny farthings. And another native-Worcesterite who has no accent. Oh, and I didn't drink or eat too much or say anything stupid to the President. A rousing success!!
I did however agree to run a 5k in September. But I did that BEFORE I started drinking, so I must just be a colossal idiot. Instead of a drunken idiot. Shit.
Monday, August 13, 2007
The Object of My Affection
Is either in the glass in front of me (gin) or on my lap (Underfoot).
Ok, so I have been working at Clark for about 2 weeks now. I only feel vaguely more knowledgable than when I started. But lucky for me, no one seems to notice.
Actually, I am really liking my new gig. I feel, for the first time EVER, like I did something positive career wise. It still doesn't quite seem real. I work with people my own age! I make decisions! I have no time to research weird things on the internet!
Ok, well, today I had a little time between 4:30 a
nd 5, and suddenly remembered the live action Popeye movie with Robin Williams and Shelly Duval circa 1980. So I went to IMBD and looked that up. Man, what a kick ass movie. I mean, when I was like, 4, it was my absolute favorite! I decided to put it on my Netflix queue, but am sort of scared that watching it at age much-older-than-4 that it just won't be the same.
The Tax Man: You just docked?
Popeye: I has.
The Tax Man: Ah ha, let's see here, that'll be 25¢ docking tax.
Popeye: What for?
The Tax Man: Where's your sea craft?
Popeye: It ain't no sea craft, it's me dinghy and it's under the wharf.
The Tax Man: Ah ha. ahh-ha. This your goods?
Popeye: They is.
The Tax Man: Yeah. You're new in town right?
Popeye: If you call this a town, yes.
The Tax Man: Well, first of all, there's 17¢ new-in-town tax, and there's 45¢ rowboat-under-the-wharf tax, and one dollar leaving-your-junk-lying-around-the-wharf tax, so all together, you owe the Commodore $1.87.
Popeye: Uh, who's this Commodore?
The Tax Man: Is that the nature of question? There's a nickel question tax.
Brilliant, no?
Ok, so I have been working at Clark for about 2 weeks now. I only feel vaguely more knowledgable than when I started. But lucky for me, no one seems to notice.
Actually, I am really liking my new gig. I feel, for the first time EVER, like I did something positive career wise. It still doesn't quite seem real. I work with people my own age! I make decisions! I have no time to research weird things on the internet!
Ok, well, today I had a little time between 4:30 a
nd 5, and suddenly remembered the live action Popeye movie with Robin Williams and Shelly Duval circa 1980. So I went to IMBD and looked that up. Man, what a kick ass movie. I mean, when I was like, 4, it was my absolute favorite! I decided to put it on my Netflix queue, but am sort of scared that watching it at age much-older-than-4 that it just won't be the same.The Tax Man: You just docked?
Popeye: I has.
The Tax Man: Ah ha, let's see here, that'll be 25¢ docking tax.
Popeye: What for?
The Tax Man: Where's your sea craft?
Popeye: It ain't no sea craft, it's me dinghy and it's under the wharf.
The Tax Man: Ah ha. ahh-ha. This your goods?
Popeye: They is.
The Tax Man: Yeah. You're new in town right?
Popeye: If you call this a town, yes.
The Tax Man: Well, first of all, there's 17¢ new-in-town tax, and there's 45¢ rowboat-under-the-wharf tax, and one dollar leaving-your-junk-lying-around-the-wharf tax, so all together, you owe the Commodore $1.87.
Popeye: Uh, who's this Commodore?
The Tax Man: Is that the nature of question? There's a nickel question tax.
Brilliant, no?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Two things I will not miss about working here
(D-bag edition)
My coworkers took me out to lunch yesterday. At the Sole Proprietor (fancy-pants fish restaurant) no less. So much awsum!!!11!one!! I was actually surprised that they were all so misty-eyed at my upcoming departure. I was also surprised that they kept wanting to talk about climbing.
I was not, however, surprised that TSV made the following comments to me:
TSV: I'm really surprised you are eating bacon.
Me: delicately nibbling my bacon wrapped scallops Are you kidding me? Why is that surprising? (*note: I will eat practically anything wrapped in bacon.)
TSV: Well, I just thought you were healthier than that.
Me: thinking And I thought we could get through lunch without you making some jackass comment.
Later on that day, at around 4:58 pm to be exact, another coworker (who I genuinely like and who surprised me with his douchebaggery) came over to chat with me about me leaving. I had to explain, yet again, where I was going and what I am doing. ("So, you are the Assistant to the Director of Admissions?" "No, I AM the Assistant Director") Then he gets into a long winded and hopelessly irritating conversation about his son and the value of a college education that goes something like this:
Him: Yeah, so it's really important to have a college degree these days.
Me: Mmmhmm (looking at clock)
Him: Do YOU have a 4 year degree?
Me: Yes
Him: My son didn't want to go to college, blah blah blah, I told him he really needs to get a 4 year degree in this day and age to be able to blah blah blah, I mean, even a degree in English would be better than nothing!
Me: HEY!
Him: Oh. Is that what you have a degree in?
Me: Yes.
Him: *turns red*
For the last time people, WE CAN'T ALL BE ENGINEERS!!!
My coworkers took me out to lunch yesterday. At the Sole Proprietor (fancy-pants fish restaurant) no less. So much awsum!!!11!one!! I was actually surprised that they were all so misty-eyed at my upcoming departure. I was also surprised that they kept wanting to talk about climbing.
I was not, however, surprised that TSV made the following comments to me:
TSV: I'm really surprised you are eating bacon.
Me: delicately nibbling my bacon wrapped scallops Are you kidding me? Why is that surprising? (*note: I will eat practically anything wrapped in bacon.)
TSV: Well, I just thought you were healthier than that.
Me: thinking And I thought we could get through lunch without you making some jackass comment.
Later on that day, at around 4:58 pm to be exact, another coworker (who I genuinely like and who surprised me with his douchebaggery) came over to chat with me about me leaving. I had to explain, yet again, where I was going and what I am doing. ("So, you are the Assistant to the Director of Admissions?" "No, I AM the Assistant Director") Then he gets into a long winded and hopelessly irritating conversation about his son and the value of a college education that goes something like this:
Him: Yeah, so it's really important to have a college degree these days.
Me: Mmmhmm (looking at clock)
Him: Do YOU have a 4 year degree?
Me: Yes
Him: My son didn't want to go to college, blah blah blah, I told him he really needs to get a 4 year degree in this day and age to be able to blah blah blah, I mean, even a degree in English would be better than nothing!
Me: HEY!
Him: Oh. Is that what you have a degree in?
Me: Yes.
Him: *turns red*
For the last time people, WE CAN'T ALL BE ENGINEERS!!!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
No More Cock For Me
(At least not while I'm working...)
As of July 27th I will no longer be working at The Cock. On August 1st, I start my new jay-oh-bee at the lovely Clark University. I had off-handedly asked my brother to let me know if there were any openings and lo-and-behold the Admissions Office was hiring. I had worked there as an Undergrad (and helped my brother get a job there) and the woman I used to work for emailed me and advised me to send in my resume. Which I did, after many many agonizing days trying to make it look like I have some legitimate experience. (Thanks, Slev!)
I figured that my status as an Alum and a former student worker would probably get me an interview, which it did. On the hottest day of the entire summer. At least they probably thought I was sweating because it was hot, not because I had no idea what the hell I was doing in their office. I felt like the interview went... all right. At least until I started thinking about all the (probably) really dumb things I said.
Apparently they were all the right dumb things because I found out last week that I got the job!
Two Things I Will Not Miss About Working For Cock:
1. Conversations like this one:
TSV: I won't be in Friday.
Me: k.
TSV: I am having a colonoscopy.
Me: o_o
TSV: It's my 2nd one. (pause) You know, they really aren't as bad as people make them out to be.
Me: thinking Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
2. People who insist on using Comic Sans in presentations and expect to be taken seriously.
As of July 27th I will no longer be working at The Cock. On August 1st, I start my new jay-oh-bee at the lovely Clark University. I had off-handedly asked my brother to let me know if there were any openings and lo-and-behold the Admissions Office was hiring. I had worked there as an Undergrad (and helped my brother get a job there) and the woman I used to work for emailed me and advised me to send in my resume. Which I did, after many many agonizing days trying to make it look like I have some legitimate experience. (Thanks, Slev!)
I figured that my status as an Alum and a former student worker would probably get me an interview, which it did. On the hottest day of the entire summer. At least they probably thought I was sweating because it was hot, not because I had no idea what the hell I was doing in their office. I felt like the interview went... all right. At least until I started thinking about all the (probably) really dumb things I said.
Apparently they were all the right dumb things because I found out last week that I got the job!
Two Things I Will Not Miss About Working For Cock:
1. Conversations like this one:
TSV: I won't be in Friday.
Me: k.
TSV: I am having a colonoscopy.
Me: o_o
TSV: It's my 2nd one. (pause) You know, they really aren't as bad as people make them out to be.
Me: thinking Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
2. People who insist on using Comic Sans in presentations and expect to be taken seriously.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
7 Deadly Something or Other
Today I was trying to remember the 7 Deadly Sins. I'm convinced that each passing day brings my brain closer to complete mush, so sometimes I test myself to see just how many things I have forgotten. Among the forgotten are Wrath and Sloth.
Wrath I can sort of understand, I tend more towards extreme annoyance. But Sloth? SLOTH? How could I, the person who was seriously freaked out each and every time (approx. 812) I watched Se7en, forget about SLOTH?
Dear Sloth, after all those nights when I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about you and all the times I had to leave ALL THE LIGHTS on in my house just so I wouldn't accidentally stumble upon your atrophied limbs while making my way to the bathroom, how could I ever forget you, Sloth? You had an integral role in the Hearts games I played when I should have been doing something more productive on my computer and figured prominently into many many games of "Would you rather?" I even took you on my wagon train in Oregon Trail II. (You died of dysentery. Sorry.)
I guess it's just fortunate that extreme forgetfulness is not a mortal sin. Or is it? I can't remember.
Wrath I can sort of understand, I tend more towards extreme annoyance. But Sloth? SLOTH? How could I, the person who was seriously freaked out each and every time (approx. 812) I watched Se7en, forget about SLOTH?
Dear Sloth, after all those nights when I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about you and all the times I had to leave ALL THE LIGHTS on in my house just so I wouldn't accidentally stumble upon your atrophied limbs while making my way to the bathroom, how could I ever forget you, Sloth? You had an integral role in the Hearts games I played when I should have been doing something more productive on my computer and figured prominently into many many games of "Would you rather?" I even took you on my wagon train in Oregon Trail II. (You died of dysentery. Sorry.)
I guess it's just fortunate that extreme forgetfulness is not a mortal sin. Or is it? I can't remember.
Monday, July 09, 2007
People at the (yoga) party hot hot hot!!!
Yes, I know that it's better to yoga in a warmer room because it keeps your muscles loose and what not. But I also know that it's impossible for me to concentrate on my breathing when I am sweating so much that it looks like I peed my pants.
Honestly. Can it plz be gin and tonick time now?
Kthxbai.
Honestly. Can it plz be gin and tonick time now?
Kthxbai.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Thursday 13
The only 13 songs I listen to on my iPod.
1. Do You Want To- Franz Ferdinand
2. Down the Old Plank Road- The Chieftans
3. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Parton
4. Sugar, We're Going Down- Fall Out Boy (aka the "Looliorah" song)
5. I'm Money- Zebrahead
6. Bonnie Taylor Shakedown- HelloGoodbye
7. Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
8. She's a Rebel- GreenDay
9. Bojangles- Pit Bull
10. Pass that Dutch- Missy Eliott
11. God's Gonna Cut You Down- Johnny Cash
12. Devastation Wagon- Frantic Flattops
13. Man of Constant Sorrow- The Soggy Bottom Boys
2. Down the Old Plank Road- The Chieftans
3. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Parton
4. Sugar, We're Going Down- Fall Out Boy (aka the "Looliorah" song)
5. I'm Money- Zebrahead
6. Bonnie Taylor Shakedown- HelloGoodbye
7. Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
8. She's a Rebel- GreenDay
9. Bojangles- Pit Bull
10. Pass that Dutch- Missy Eliott
11. God's Gonna Cut You Down- Johnny Cash
12. Devastation Wagon- Frantic Flattops
13. Man of Constant Sorrow- The Soggy Bottom Boys
Thursday, May 10, 2007
13 Reasons It's a Great Day to Be Alive
1. Cold Brewed Coffee- One of the chef's I used to work with in CO used to make it this way and I had totally forgotten about it until the NYT Magazine did a piece on it. Of course, the Times featured a $40 "cold brewer" and I just use a jug and a strainer (total cost: $2 from your local dollar store), but if you haven't tried coffee this way, you are missing something wonderful.
2. 80 degrees and sunny!
3. I fixed my dishwasher for once and for all! Fuck you, Sears! (It just needed a new hose.)
4. Replaced the light fixture above my sink so I can actually SEE to replace said dishwasher hose.
5. As always, $1 PBR drafts at the Hotel Vernon, home of the recent "Ukepalooza" Ukulele Festival. (Great entertainment for out of town guests!)
6. Edy's slow churned ice cream.
7. Underfoot's haircut. Every time I look at her I die a little inside. (from cute o.d.)
8. Kobe beef hamburgers.
9. Tempranillo. Spanish red is the new Zin! (And you can totally quote me on that)
10. 90210 Season 2 on DVD.
11. $217 airfares to Minnesota.
12. Someone left a whole bag of Dove dark chocolate candies on my dining room table.
13. I got rice cooking in the microwave...
2. 80 degrees and sunny!
3. I fixed my dishwasher for once and for all! Fuck you, Sears! (It just needed a new hose.)
4. Replaced the light fixture above my sink so I can actually SEE to replace said dishwasher hose.
5. As always, $1 PBR drafts at the Hotel Vernon, home of the recent "Ukepalooza" Ukulele Festival. (Great entertainment for out of town guests!)
6. Edy's slow churned ice cream.
7. Underfoot's haircut. Every time I look at her I die a little inside. (from cute o.d.)
8. Kobe beef hamburgers.
9. Tempranillo. Spanish red is the new Zin! (And you can totally quote me on that)
10. 90210 Season 2 on DVD.
11. $217 airfares to Minnesota.
12. Someone left a whole bag of Dove dark chocolate candies on my dining room table.
13. I got rice cooking in the microwave...
Monday, May 07, 2007
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
I don't consider myself to be a particularly loving person. When it comes to other people, (of course, llamas, kitties, puppies, OMG PONIES!!1!, hamsters, goatersons, etc. are not included in the rage-making) I find that I am, more often than not, filled with unbridled rage. (Thanks, Paris! Oh, and P.S. HA HA you're going to JAIL!)
So when my stone cold heart is moved by someone, it usually takes me by surprise and I'm all "WTF? Should I call an ambulance? Do I have any Zantac?"
Saturday I had a talk with my mechanic, who is the most fantastic man on the entire planet (Sorry, Santa Claus!) not only because he knows everything I don't about cars, but also because he is honest. He assured me that the $600 "scheduled maintenance" on my car was mostly a scare tactic and he'd let me know what (if anything) my car does need. That's basically what I thought, but since I don't know crap about fixing/maintaining cars, it's reassuring to hear it from someone who does. Especially since I just recently had to actually use the Extended Warranty thing to get my computer fixed which I had convinced myself was a waste of $100 when I bought it 2 years ago. Turns out it was worth it. The $129.99 they tried to charge me to reinstall Windows, however, would have been a waste of money since i am perfectly capable of inserting a CD and hitting enter a few times.
Later that evening I watched Calvin Borel win the Kentucky Derby on Street Sense and after hearing him talk in THE MOST ADORABLE CAJUN ACCENT I felt that unfamiliar twinge of emotion inside and wanted more than anything to scoop him up and put him in my jacket pocket. OMG PONIES!!1!! I dare you to read this guy's story and not get a little emotional.*
*No mint juleps were consumed during the writing of this blog.**
**Goddammit.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Underpocalypse Now
Spring is traditionally known as a time of change and renewal. Eggs hatching, trees and flowers blooming, lambs gamboling in pasture and hairball producing kitties getting haircuts.
When I dropped UnderFizz at the groomers today she completely filled her pet carrier. When I picked her up 1 hour later, she was approximately 1/3 her original size. The groomer said she behaved very well and just sort of sighed and lay there while she got 35 pounds of fluff sheared off. That's my girl: resigned.
As much as I feel bad about inflicting such a ridiculous haircut on my cat (not shown: pom pom tail) I can't help but hear that ZombieNation song every time she walks through the house.
When I dropped UnderFizz at the groomers today she completely filled her pet carrier. When I picked her up 1 hour later, she was approximately 1/3 her original size. The groomer said she behaved very well and just sort of sighed and lay there while she got 35 pounds of fluff sheared off. That's my girl: resigned.
As much as I feel bad about inflicting such a ridiculous haircut on my cat (not shown: pom pom tail) I can't help but hear that ZombieNation song every time she walks through the house.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Bedroom eyes are easier if you have bangs or if you are a llama
I finally got a haircut on Saturday. Yes, finally. I FINALLY have non-embarassing hair. I was at that point where you almost don't want to go to a salon because you know they will be looking at your 4 inch roots and give you a "What the hell were you thinking?" look and then pick up a limp strand and say something about "We've got a LOT of work ahead of us."
I guess I have mixed feelings about judgemental hair stylists. On the one hand, I KNOW I look terrible, I don't need to pay someone $60 to remind me. But on the other hand, I want them to be judgemental and make me look good. As in, the opposite of how I look when I walked in.
I get the same way only worse when it comes to bikini waxes. I mean, I can't afford to go every 4 weeks like I am "supposed to", but then when I let it go too long (hahaha) I feel extremely self concious. I mean, even more self conscious then I usually feel while a Russian woman is yanking out my pubic hair. Luckily, Svetlana doesn't say anything. Possibly because she doesn't know that much English. Or maybe she's just being nice because of that time I let Anya watch and practice her waxing technique on my crotch. You know, the more the merrier.
Which was the theme of Alissa and The Schooligan's Birthday Extravaganza 2007. It totally turned out great though, in spite of my utter and complete lack of organizational skills. Perhaps they were cancelled out by Sangria. Even though I initially wanted to ignore the whole birthday all together (I'm 29, wtf?) I'm glad we ended up at a great restaurant surrounded by people we love and who don't mind me picking food directly off their plates.
It was super nice out today, so I went to the petting zoo on my lunch break. A llama tried to steal my iced coffee and a goat tried to eat my dress. There were some children there, but
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
Much more incriminating than Thursday 13
My google search history.
23 skidoo
Veloute
wasabi mashed potatoes
american gem society
pseudocyesis
funnycide
Rochom P'nieng
inherited hammertoe
complaints about subway sandwich
shocking truths
white chocolate
big dipper
mathematical theorems
being poor is your own fault
New yorkers are ridiculous
Fra Browning
Family in oregon stranded
johnny cash middle finger
cheap trip to Kentucky derby
blood pressure
Delaware emission limits for coal fired power plants
paso corto
calories in cheese omelet
hip haircuts
riesling
kibbee
patrick Deuel
glockenspiel
walnut
abdominal migraine
zodiac killer
god rest ye merry gentlemen
history of candy bars
modern pyramid schemes
claymoore
garrote
Uninvited game reviews
chelated iron
fireproof christmas tree
old fashioned licorice all sorts
What's the fuss over TMX Elmo?
Is the shroud of turin fake?
Tenzig Norgay
plaid fur lined hat with ear flaps
canine liver shunt
petite four
fung was bus disaster
stikfas
medical quakery
william howard taft
Sopron dog yard
Luke perry in 2006
Sport team rivalry
What's the difference between William Henry Harrison and James Garfield?
Ass over teakettle
T is for Texas
Teens bake puppy in oven
rasputin stout
causes of tinnitus
copper allergy
meniere's disease
SDA virus
exploding stomach from over eating
co-morbid anxiety
interrobang
I hate the schooligan
Syrian Rye
Running shoes make my feet numb
desert aisha plusie
schadenfreude
living with morbid obesity
totenkopf
chloe the pitbull
urim and thummim
#10 envelope
subaru recall
how to spot fake gucci
absolute zero
Alice Hoffman
islands near puerto rico
giant underpants
children misbehaving at restaurants
drill hole in head
periodic limb movement disorder
arrow through head
free things to do in columbus, OH
pizza bites
gunga din
aspartame will kill you
real estate cody, wy
family circus sucks
beauceron
vice versa
Nembutal
self important conversation
Ramadan 2007
Fill & drain hose coupler assembly
TJX security breach
attuned eating
Cruel Girl Jeans
beriberi
Camp Wind in the Pines
Russian Moose Farm
folliculosis
out of control binging
How to fold large pieces of paper
Anthony Bourdain
Bone marrow donation
glenlivet natural Scotch whisky
How tall is Beth Rodden?
Wilted spinach
How to cut emo bangs
homozygous proven stallion
rachel ray meatloaf muffins
cat eye syndrome
diverticulitis
mahi mahi recipe
Starbucks 9/11
Leland Olds air permit
Morgellons
Siberian Cat
English bull dog problems
Yom kippur
lumbago
rusty cage
oleana
cant touch this lyrics
can ducks throw up
gurney
Duke Belews Creek
balancing moonflower
phonics
raw seal fat
sopapilla
honey dew donuts
cervical punch
world's smallest horse
whiskey on the rocks and a quarter for the juke box
quid pro quo
when was shake and bake invented?
mock apple pie
ways to lose your driver's license
momo syndrome
obesity crisis in america
what is a placket
chiropractors on crystal meth
blueberry cobbler
BLM horses
ring bone
Dog chapman arrested
little yellow jacket
cotton eye
hell house
Gerald Gentleman station
Deval Patrick
Children who are difficult to toilet train
behind these hazel eyes
spontaneous lactose intolerance
museum of russian icons
23 skidoo
Veloute
wasabi mashed potatoes
american gem society
pseudocyesis
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inherited hammertoe
complaints about subway sandwich
shocking truths
white chocolate
big dipper
mathematical theorems
being poor is your own fault
New yorkers are ridiculous
Fra Browning
Family in oregon stranded
johnny cash middle finger
cheap trip to Kentucky derby
blood pressure
Delaware emission limits for coal fired power plants
paso corto
calories in cheese omelet
hip haircuts
riesling
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walnut
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history of candy bars
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What's the fuss over TMX Elmo?
Is the shroud of turin fake?
Tenzig Norgay
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Sport team rivalry
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Ass over teakettle
T is for Texas
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meniere's disease
SDA virus
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I hate the schooligan
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Running shoes make my feet numb
desert aisha plusie
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urim and thummim
#10 envelope
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Nembutal
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Ramadan 2007
Fill & drain hose coupler assembly
TJX security breach
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Cruel Girl Jeans
beriberi
Camp Wind in the Pines
Russian Moose Farm
folliculosis
out of control binging
How to fold large pieces of paper
Anthony Bourdain
Bone marrow donation
glenlivet natural Scotch whisky
How tall is Beth Rodden?
Wilted spinach
How to cut emo bangs
homozygous proven stallion
rachel ray meatloaf muffins
cat eye syndrome
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Starbucks 9/11
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cervical punch
world's smallest horse
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mock apple pie
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Dog chapman arrested
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Children who are difficult to toilet train
behind these hazel eyes
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museum of russian icons
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The Height of Sophistication
Last year I had a page-a-day calendar from "The Joy of Cooking" (but only because I could not find my usual Edward Gorey variety) and every day there would be a fun fact about food, a recipe or when the day was particularly lame, a quote vaguely related to food. I kept the pages in a stack on my desk to use as scrap paper and while I was making a to-do list I re-discovered the "Waldorf Salad".
According to the calendar, in the early 1900's mayonaise combined with celery and apples was "The Height of Sophistication." (The walnuts and grapes came later, THANK GOD.) Or you could make it child friendly with mini marshmallows.
You know how I feel about mayonnaise (the devil's ketchup), so can I just say, What The Fuck? This has got to be the grossest interpretation of "salad" ever. Mayonnaise? Walnuts? Fucking marshmallows? Was it a joke? Tell me it was a joke played on rich New Yorkers, "Ha ha ha. They'll eat ANYTHING! Throw in some more celery boys! Don't forget the red grapes. Oh, and what the hell, leave the SEEDS IN THEM!"
My local sunday paper has a section called "Happy Times" where kids write essays on various topics and get them published in the paper. Right next to Ziggy. Awesome. This week's topic was "If I had a time machine..." Pretty much all the kids would travel back to Ancient Egypt to watch the pyramids being built (hope they have a few decades with nothing to do) or to prehistoric times to see dinosaurs*. Not me. If I had a time machine I would travel back to New York c. 1896 and punch Oscar Tschirky in the face. Twice. "This is for the Waldorf Salad!" *punch* "And this is for THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING!" *punch* "Oh and don't get any fancy ideas about poached eggs and hollandaise either."
*How did stegosauruses have sex? No, seriously, how did they? It seems kind of impossible. Hmmm. Maybe that's why they went extinct.
According to the calendar, in the early 1900's mayonaise combined with celery and apples was "The Height of Sophistication." (The walnuts and grapes came later, THANK GOD.) Or you could make it child friendly with mini marshmallows.
You know how I feel about mayonnaise (the devil's ketchup), so can I just say, What The Fuck? This has got to be the grossest interpretation of "salad" ever. Mayonnaise? Walnuts? Fucking marshmallows? Was it a joke? Tell me it was a joke played on rich New Yorkers, "Ha ha ha. They'll eat ANYTHING! Throw in some more celery boys! Don't forget the red grapes. Oh, and what the hell, leave the SEEDS IN THEM!"
My local sunday paper has a section called "Happy Times" where kids write essays on various topics and get them published in the paper. Right next to Ziggy. Awesome. This week's topic was "If I had a time machine..." Pretty much all the kids would travel back to Ancient Egypt to watch the pyramids being built (hope they have a few decades with nothing to do) or to prehistoric times to see dinosaurs*. Not me. If I had a time machine I would travel back to New York c. 1896 and punch Oscar Tschirky in the face. Twice. "This is for the Waldorf Salad!" *punch* "And this is for THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING!" *punch* "Oh and don't get any fancy ideas about poached eggs and hollandaise either."
*How did stegosauruses have sex? No, seriously, how did they? It seems kind of impossible. Hmmm. Maybe that's why they went extinct.
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