Thursday 13

13 Things That Kept Me From Sleeping Last Night

1. It was too hot.
2. The fan was too “blowy”.
3. The fan was too LOUD.
4. Woke up suddenly to (possibly imagined) smell of electrical burning. Unplugged fan, cell phone charger, lamp and laptop.
5. Remembered that had left laptop on floor and worried that would wake up and step on it. Moved laptop to table.
6. Cats using bed as a springboard to get to the window.
7. Then fighting about it.
8. Horrifyingly real nightmare that went out to get into car and car had developed SEVERE rust literally overnight.
9. PMS headache that refused to respond to pain relievers.
10. Getting up to pee.
11. Cats using pee break as excuse to start demanding breakfast at 4 am
12. And 4.10, 4.12, 4.20, 4.30, 4.45, 4.46, 4.48, and 5
13. Cats demanding post-breakfast snuggle and suffocating me in fur.

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Dinner in the diner, nothing could be finer

I read this funny interview with Anthony Bourdain today on Salon. You should totally read it. He totally rags on vegans and Rachel Ray (whom I don't really have any beef with except for the fact that she thinks every bit of food she puts in her mouth is AMAZING.) Anyway, here are some of my favorite highlights:

Will we see you in a year saying, "Oh, I had drinks with Rachael Ray, and actually, she's all right"?
Yeah, right. "After the hot-tub incident, I've changed my mind." You know, listen, like I said, I could be wrong. Unlikely. But maybe she's nice to puppies.
Sure, sure -- you haven't seen her kicking any old people lately.
Actually, that would be cool. If I ever saw her getting trashed on Old Crow, pistol-whipping a vegan after a bar crawl, I would think, "That's an interesting woman. I would like to know her."

To quote Gargamel: Hey, he's talking about you.

In speaking of the SV, we had the most inane (and to my mind, HILLARIOUS) conversation today on G-talk:

me: blah blah MAGIC BUS
pt: magic bus?
me: MAGIC BUS
try yelling it
MAGIC BUS
pt: MAGIC BUS
me: hshahahahahaha
pt: ok who is this...what did you do with jess ;)
me: TOO MUCH MAGIC BUS
http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/w/whothe7653/magicbus274332.html
pt: why are we screamin magic bus?
me: cause its funny
i dont know
pt: ok.
me: MAGIC BUS
pt: MAGIC BUS
me: hahahaha
suck suck MAGIC BUS

Seriously, I've had that damn tune stuck in my head all day, even right now I am typing and mentally putting magic bus strategically in every sentence.

But you know, that's the beauty of the affected brain, bizarre internal soundtracks. I also can't stop thinking about Chattanooga Choo Choo (Track 29!) and "there's a grasshopper sitting on a sweet potato vine"

I have a secret. I have been trying to get into running, which I have always felt was an unnatural act unless from zombies or to the bathroom. At any rate, after a week and a half of feeling like I was about to drop dead after putting my sneakers on, I finally got to the point where a mile was only sort of awful. Then one day, I did 2 miles without even thinking about it, due entirely to the treadmills at the gym being equipped with INDIVIDUAL TELEVISIONS. I mean, my enjoyment of COPS is not in anyway diminished by having to run in order to watch it. Actually, now that I think about it, running while watching COPS is almost like being on COPS. All I would have to do is throw a crack pipe into the bushes as I jogged past.

Let me be clear here: I do not enjoy running. I don't get a "runner's high" or any shit like that. However, I don't hate it quite as much as I used to, due again, to TV and having purchased a new pair of shoes that don't make me feel as though my leg bones were being jammed into my foot every time I took a step. I also don't intend to do any serious distances (there's a 30 minute limit on the treadmills and I'm not that fast).

Running outside is ok too. Especially in my neighborhood, which again, is like watching COPS.

The Go To Hell Room Gets Redemption

This weekend the big project was filling a dumpster with all the crap left over from the previous tenants (who moved out over a year ago, btw). After about a zillion trips up and down stairs we had my 2 porches and the attic cleaned out. And a very full dumpster.

My dad was nice enough to help me fix the ceiling in the room off the kitchen formerly called the "Go to Hell Room" (where I dumped all the crap I didn't want to deal with. ever.)



The fact that the room had a partailly caved in ceiling made it all the easier to shove stuff in it and forget about it. That and the fact that it had a ceiling fan SHAPED LIKE A BASKETBALL. No, there is no photographic evidence of said fan. It's in the dumpster along with a broken rock tumbler and crooked venetian blinds.

Everytime I touched it, the ceiling just fell apart.



Sigh. (Ceiling repair as a metaphor for life?)

Plan B: We take the plaster board and just cover the entire ceiling so it doesn't crumble into bits onto my head. Except that I can't accurately measure dimensions so we ended up with oddly shaped pieces of board that didn't fit the ceiling.

We did, however, replace the light fixture. SLAM DUNK!

Back to doing what I do best

Getting irritated with the world at large!

Today at work there were moments where I felt dangerously close to losing my shit.

Annoying highlights include:

1. Bitching about not having a certain candy in the (free) communal candy jar (which is on my desk and which I inherited form the person who used to work here and really should just chuck out the window, except they don't open... CRAP!) Now, the way I see it, there are 2 possible solutions here neither of which include complaining to me: a) Don't eat any. or b) GET YOUR OWN FREAKING CANDY becasue then you can get WHATEVER YOU WANT.

2. Repeatedly getting badgered to "follow up" with someone re: an annoying powerpoint presentation (is there any other kind?) when I have already emailed AND left voice mail to the point of stalking. What the fuck do you want me to do? Hunt him down and hold him at gunpoint? Bounty hunters make loads more money than I do, Buddy. FYI.

3. Having the outrageously socially inept newish guy walk by me as I was making a weird face and have him say, "Don't bite your cheek!" Huh? Is this a warning or an order? In neither case is it appropriate or sense-making.

4. Crazy old Italian man (who is definitely going senile, like, as I type this) stands by my desk holding a reference list and mumbles inchoerently in unfinished sentences, but insisting that I do... something... reference... here it is... Jessica. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OTHERWISE I CAN'T HELP YOU. I just shrugged and looked hopeless and he eventually went away.

Thursday 13

13 People from the Past that I Would Like to Have Over For Dinner

1. Mark Twain - He has always been at the top of my list of people I wish I could hang out with. I mean, he's entertaining, witty, and likes to drink whiskey and smoke. Perfect! Also, he lived next dooor to Harriet Beecher Stowe and I bet she was really annoying. MT would have some good dirt.

2. Edgar Allen Poe - Yes, he did have a bit of a drinking problem, but would probably bring some opiates as a hostess gift. Then we could go to a goth club after supper.

3. Rasputin- His name means "debauched" in Russian, so obviously he knows how to have a good time. It be nice, however, if he cleaned himself up a bit before dinner. And we could poison the food and he wouldn't even care.

4. Ben Franklin- Seems like he and Twain would get on well. He'd probably provide some entertaining conversation and I could finally bitch to him about what a BAD IDEA daylight savings is.

5. Laura Ingalls Wilder - You know to get the REAL story of what happened out on the prairie. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that she's kind of dull and maybe a bit of a priss.

6. F. Scott Fitzgerald - (What is it with me inviting over alcoholics? Must remember to put away breakables.) I could do his whole James Joyce "OMG I am so glad to meet you that I could just weep!" bit. Then I could get him to sign all my books while I embarass myself by gushing over him.

7. Johnny Cash - Now, I think this is where I would really embarass myself. I have always been a bit in love with Johnny Cash and I can't see myself not babbling nonsensically about how much I love his music and how it just speaks to me and, wow, that black suit sure is flattering and, oh, would you like another Percoset? Oh shit, I'm sorry, you're in recovery. God, I'm SUCH an asshole...

8. Charles II of Spain - OK, yes, I have a weird fascination with the Habsburgs and their jaw. Apparently Charles was completely batty and weird. And liked to shoot things.

9. Virginia Reed - One of the survivors of the Donner Party debacle. Not sure if it's best to discuss over dinner, but I would like to find out what really happened.

10. Mitch Hedberg - Only the funniest comedian EVER. God, I miss him.

11. Jasper Newton Daniel - aka "Jack" His biography, "Blood and Whiskey" was v. interesting. I would love to drink learn about the history of American whiskey with him.

12. George Mallory- I am dying to know whether he actually got to the top of Everest before Hilary.

13. Khufu - Because we are ALL dying to know how the damn pyramids were built.

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Having Friends on the Inside

Means that I get gems like this HOT OFF THE WIRE!!

¶ BOSTON (AP) _ It's creamy, sweet and it's become a staple of lunch boxes for generations of New England school children.

¶ Now, the beloved Fluffernutter sandwich _ the irresistible combination of marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter, preferably on white bread with a glass of milk handy _ finds itself at the center of a sticky political debate on Beacon Hill.

¶ State Rep. Jarrett Barrios, D-Cambridge fired the first shot, vowing earlier this week to file an amendment limiting schools to serving Fluffernutters just once a week as the main meal of the day.

¶ Barrios decided to take action after his third-grade son Nathaniel was given a peanut butter and Fluff sandwich at the King Open School in Cambridge. Barrios acknowledged that while "it seems a little silly to have an amendment on Fluff" the issue of school nutrition is serious.

¶ Barrios' amendment seemed anything but silly to Democratic state Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein, D-Revere, whose district is near Lynn, home of Durkee-Mower Inc., the local company that has produced the marshmallow concoction for more than 80 years.

¶ The day after Barrios announced his amendment, Reinstein fired off an e-mail announcing her own legislation designating the Fluffernutter the "official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

¶ "I believe we need to preserve the legacy of this local delicacy," Reinstein wrote in the letter to fellow lawmakers. She noted Fluff is free of artificial preservatives or colorings.

¶ In an interview, Reinstein said she felt the need to defend the honor of Fluff, protect the rights of parents, and protect a local company.

¶ "I'm going to fight to the death for Fluff," Reinstein said. "It's out of control. It's ridiculous that with all the things going on in the state and in the world, we're having this conversation. It's insane."

¶ On Tuesday, an aide to Barrios said the senator is not anti-Fluff. He said Barrios plans to sign on as a co-sponsor to Reinstein's bill, although he still believes schools should ration Fluffernutters to one per week.

¶ "He loves Fluff as much as the next legislator," said Barrios aide Colin Durrant.

¶ The wrangling over Fluff is part of a stalled debate over a bill that would limit the sale of junk food in public schools in Massachusetts.

¶ Fluff has a long history in Massachusetts.

¶ The treat was popularized by H. Allen Durkee and Fred L. Mower, both World War I veterans, who cooked up the treat in their kitchen at night and sold it door to door during the day.

¶ Durkee and Mower purchased the recipe for Fluff for $500 from another Massachusetts man, Archibald Query _ who lived in Somerville, part of Barrios' current district _ who also sold it door to door before the war shut down his operations.

¶ The company didn't immediately return a call for comment Tuesday.

¶ Since its invention, legions of New England kids have grown up on Fluffernutters. Parents have used the sandwich as a food of last resort for finicky eaters, sometimes adding banana slices to compliment the protein of the peanut butter.

¶ If Reinstein's bill is approved, the Fluffernutter would join a long list of official foods of Massachusetts including: the corn muffin (official muffin); the baked navy bean (the official bean); and the Boston cream pie (the official dessert or dessert emblem).


I cannot tell you how proud I am to live in the state who's offical sandwich is the Fluffernutter, not to mention the CORN MUFFIN.

Obsessive and Prone to Regret!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability || 10% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical || 10% Artistic |||||| 30% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

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I might be over being cool

At least as far as climbing is concerned. On Saturday I let Forrest drag me up the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff. Now Cannon is where the cool kids climb, it's regarded as some of the best climbing in the world, if you like that sort of thing.

This was my first trip and even though I'd heard all the stories about the arduous approach and the loose rock and the potential for an epic it didn't come close to preparing me.

The fun started with the hour long hike up to the base of the climb. Straight up, through a field of loose rocks. I had been talking to Forrest about how I have this ridiculous heartrate when I exercise strenuously and he didn't believe that it oculd really be 180 bpm, so he had me wear his heart rate monitor on the approach. Maybe 180 was a slight exaggeration. It was more like 176 or so.



The climb itself is 6 pitches and I made Forrest lead them all because I am a big wuss when it comes to placing gear. (And by "big wuss" I mean, I don't want to die/kill anyone with my ineptitude.) The climbing WAS fun. Harder than I was expecting, but a lot of fun. Look how much fun I'm having!



(Also, look how my helmet makes my head look all weird.)

The fun continued for over 6 hours until we topped out. Then we had to hike back down which was similar to hiking up except it was longer and also raining. I think we gave new meaning to the phrase "Wet to the skin." And also "exhausted" and "hungry". For about 30 out of the 60 minutes of slipping and sliding down a mountain in the rain lugging increasingly heavy gear I actually thought I was in hell. By the time we got to the bottom, I was reduced to shuffling along because I literally could not lift my feet anymore. Clearly the only cure was a huge meal at Emperor Chinese Restaurant. At the height of our delirious descent all I could think about was eating a scallion pancake. And then about how the thought of pitching a tent in the rain and being damp and cold all night was the worst possible end to the day. The more we thought about it, and how it didn't seem possible that we could even climb the next day anyway after getting our asses so thoroughly kicked, the better it seemed to just drive home.

We arrived back in MA around hour 21 of our day (got up at 5 am) and crashed. As I fell into bed I thought, Well, I've done Whitney-G. Now I never have to do it again.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Goals For Summer 2006

1. Learn how to use Photoshop. I know, I know, it's not that hard, but well, I am easily confused.
2. Rent a dumpster to clean out porches, attic, go to hell room, basement, etc.
3. Learn how to swim. For real, not just tread water/doggie paddle.
4. Climb the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff (Forrest? Yeah, that means YOU.)
5. Get rid of all the clothes that I don't wear, yet hang on to for no apparent reason.
6. Have a swingin' cocktail party once the VL is in proper shape.
7. Get a haircut that I will actually take the time to style every so often. (Pony tails and hats do not count)
8. Beat Morgan in tennis.
9. Get a small outdoor grill or hibachi for cookouts.
10. Be more tolerant of the Dog because he has terminal cancer and doesn't mean to vomit everywhere. Probably.
11. Watch The Godfather. No, I have never seen it. Yes, I know that is unacceptable. That's why it's on the list.
12. Lose 10 pounds. I feel like this is always an appropriate goal.
13. Stop being such a neglectful blogger

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Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Books I Have Read Repeatedly Until They Fell Apart.

1. The Little House on the Prairie Series, especially The Long Winter, Little Town on the Prairie and Farmer Boy.

2. James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, including during my Undergrad Commencement. I don't know what it is about his descriptions of religious ferver that I like so much, but man, are they good!

3. The Adrian Mole Diaries. Before Bridget Jones, Before the Nanny, there was Adrian. Loveable, clueless and British.

4. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe- Fannie Flagg. The movie, although good, was nowhere near as amazing as the book.

5. Florence King's Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady. I have literally gone through 3 copies of this book. And have used it's life lessons on numerous occasions.

6. The Johnny Dixon Mysteries- John Bellairs. As a kid these books scared me senseles. As an "adult" (hahahaha, who am I kidding?) I am amazed at how well written they are and how scholarly and just good. See especially, Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost, The Mummy The Will and the Crypt, and The Trolley to Yesterday.

7. Bridget Jones' Diary- Helen Fielding. Very few books are ligitimately and consistantly "laugh out loud" funny. This one is. The movie is not.

8. The Devil Wears Prada- Lauren Weisberger. As a glutton for celebrity gossip and fashion magazines, this book was practically written for me. Though, thankfully, not about me.

9. The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven- Sherman Alexie. Only the saddest, funniest, most brilliant collection of short stories, um, ever. I force just about everyone I meet to read it. The movie adaptation, Smoke Signals, is fucking phenomenal as well. I am a little in love with this guy.

10. Old Bones the Wonder Horse- Mildred Mastin Pace. Yes, I adore kids books about horses. Even the crappy ones. This one, about an unlikely champion, rocks.

11. And on that note, Black Beauty- Anna Sewell.

12. Into Thin Air- Jon Krakauer. Fascinated by Everset even though I have no desire to ever go there.

13. Bastard out of Carolina- Dorothy Allison. I really really love books by Southern women. I think I was southern in a past life.


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Vices

I spent most of the last 2 days feeling like my head was being squashed in a vise. It was the kind of headache that is obnoxiously resistant to Advil. The kind of headache that made me leave work early and go immediately to bed blocking out all light and sound. A headache that made me not enjoy the Cock Out lunch that work threw complete with pulled pork and BBQ chicken. So I declared war on head pain. Any headache that prevents me from enjoying BBQ is so asking for it.

So, I went to pilates even though I felt absolutely terrible. Pilates made me feel somewhat better, in that way that going to the gym always makes me feel better, and somewhat worse in that my neck hurt to the point that every time I moved my head I though (hoped) it would break off and roll away leaving just a spurting neck hole and I would kick it before collapsing into a pool of blood.

The rest of the night wasn't that much better. My headache also made the rest of my body resistant to sleep which SUCKED because when your head feels that awful sleep is the only escape. I retaliated with more ativan than probably necessary, but I wasn't in the mood to fuck around.

I woke up this morning feeling awful, but in a different way. Instead of head crackingly bad, I felt weak, nauseous and not able to see out of my right eye. Not well anyway. Perhaps this had something to do with my choice of clothes, cuffed olive capri pants (Thank you Old Navy for FINALLY making some pants that aren't designed to fit some sort of mutant), a rhinestoned black tank top (think Holocaust benefit) and my chrome colored BCBG open toed heels.

By the end of a particularly harrowing day, I felt somewhat better and was NO CLOSER to completing the stuff for the audit. Not my fault though that documents DON'T EXIST. This thing will never end. I stopped caring weeks ago.

After work, I made my sister come running with me. We went to Spencer State Forest for some "trail running". We got about 30 good minutes in, not including when I slipped off a log and nearly lost my shoe in a swamp.

Fork you!

Last night I made enchiladas for dinner, (Enchiladitos, makes you wanna eat 'em.) It was very nearly a disaster as the enchilada sauce just kept expanding until I had all available pans FULL. In between gin and tonics, I rehydrated chilis and cooked up the ground turkey. G came by just at the point where I was going to throw myself on the floor in a puddle of gin and enchilada sauce. He took charge of the sauce and together we assembled 2 pans of enchiladas.

I have to say that despite the alarming amount of lard in the sauce, they were quite good. I used low fat cheese though, just to get my heart to shut the fuck up about being all clogged and whatever. Such a whiner.

I took some for lunch today and as I was walking back to my desk from the microwave, I decided that I could't wait to actually sit down and eat. So, I took a bite as I was walking. Or rather, I tried to take a bite, but instead stabbed myself in the face.

What's not to love?

The other day my brother Morgan and I were discussing the chemistry of love, (Not to be confused with the power if love, which is a curious thing.) He had read an article in National Geographic about what chemical changes occur in your brain when you fall in love and apparently the in-love brain looks almost identical to the brain of someone who has OCD. Not surprising, really. What was interesting was that statistically, being in love has a shelf life of about 7 years. Hence the itch, I guess.

7 years... still seems kind of long to me. But what do I know? According to NG, people who are on anti-depressants are less likely to fall in love. And I thought it was just cynicism.

In other news, I have taken up tennis.