Thursday-Yes-I-Realize-It's-Friday-13

My 13 Favorite Christmas Songs

(in no particular order, except the first one. Er, first TWO.)

1. Santa Baby- Even though I have no idea how even Santa could fit a DUPLEX into a christmas stocking.

2. Blue Christmas- But only when sung by Elvis. And never when sung by Porky Pig.

3. O Holy Night- My brother adores Mariah Carey's version, but I prefer Mahalia Jackson.

4. Good King Wenceslas- Admittedly it's not even about Christmas, rather St. Stephen's Day which is the 26th (aka Boxing Day), but I still like it.

5. Here we go a-wassailing- I think the best part about wassailing (besides singing to trees) is Ye Olde New England's interpretation: Although wassailing is often described in innocuous and sometimes nostalgic terms, the practice has not always been considered so innocent. In fact in early New England wassailing was associated with rowdy bands of young men who would enter the homes of wealthy neighbors and demand free food and drink in a trick-or-treat fashion. If the householder refused, he was usually cursed, and occasionally his house was vandalized. Nothing says Christmas like drunken vandalism!

6. O Little Town of Bethlehem- Even though it doesn't paint what I would consider to be a realistic picture of what Bethlehem was like. I mean, O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie! Dude, I was so there and there was nothing still about it. It was totally a party town.

7. Christmas on Christmas Island- Actually it was a toss up between this one and "Xmas on the Isthmus of Panama", but I would like to hang my stocking from a coconut tree regardless. (How can you not love a song that rhymes "isthmus" with Christmas? Brilliant!

8. Sleigh Ride- This song totally rocks. Even when performed by an 8th grade orchestra.

9. Jingle Bells- Especially when Diana Krall sings it, although the end is a bit bizarre; she says emphatically "I just really love horses!" I think she hit her head when her sleigh got upsot.

10. Carol of the Bells- It's actually kind of creepy, and makes me feel frantic, like I suddenly realized it's Christmas and I haven't done a thing to get ready. Shit.

11. Holly and Ivy- All wholesome and traditional. Like me.

12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen- Ahhh. Comfort and Joy, like a hot cup of wassail. Just the thing to save me from Satan's Power when I have gone astray.

13. We Three Kings- The darker side of Christmas, all doom and gloom and bitter perfume.

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Giving Starbucks the Big Middle Finger

You know, by getting my gingerbread latte at Dunkin Donuts for ½ the price and in about ¼ the time. Yes, yes, venti breve ristretto, blah blah blah. Whatever.

You’d think with all the holiday themed drinks I’ve been consuming that I would be on top of Christmas. This is not the case. Actually, I had not even realized that Christmas was coming until I looked at the calendar last Friday and saw that it was a week away. So, my sister and I threw ourselves into a shopping frenzy only coming to our senses when we realized we were about to buy the most ridiculous presents EVER. Who the hell wants black licorice allsorts for Christmas? Answer: No One.
(Except maybe these people. Who are decidedly NOT on our list.)

I debated the idea of Getting a Christmas Tree vs. Not Getting a Christmas Tree. I was inclined to go with “Not” because the damn thing would only be up for a week. Then I thought, Who the hell am I kidding? Knowing me, I’ll leave the damn thing up until March.

Enter Ernie’s Discount Trees. While driving back from a disappointing trip to the Christmas Barn where all the good ornaments had been bought by the TOUR BUS full of old people that got there ahead of us, we spied a wee Christmas Tree stand on the side of the road. I was determined not to spend more than $10 on a tree, $15 max. so “Discount Trees” seemed like a good place to stop.

Ernie (we are guessing, unless he is operating under false pretenses) greeted us and said, Any tree, $10. Perfect! We picked out a small, slightly pathetic looking tree, although not the Charlie Brown-est tree. I feel strangely sad for the sad looking trees with sparse branches and falling needles, but apparently not THAT sad, as I opted for a slightly better (but not much) class of tree.

We exchanged a few pleasantries with Ernie and he chainsawed off the bottom of our tree (which I should so totally fireproof except I have no idea what “chelated iron” is.*) and expertly loaded it into the back of my car (now upholstered with needles) explaining, “I’ve been doing this since before you were born.” I don’t doubt it.

My sister and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get the tree to stand up straight. We were unsuccessful and the tree leans in a slightly disconcerting way. It looked like it might topple over into the center of the living room, so we turned it around so that it’s leaning more toward the wall. Feng Tree Sway? Whatever.

Thursday 13 Things I Would Like For Christmas

1. Kitchenaid Mixer- But seriously, who doesn't want one?
2. Some nice knives- And I promise to take care of them and not put them in the dishwasher, practice knife throwing, etc.
3. iPod- I am the ONLY person ON EARTH who doesn't have one.
4. One of the best movies EVER MADE.
5. This T-shirt.
6. DKNY Red Delicious
7. Fur lined hat with earflaps.
8. Home Nacho Maker Ok, not really. Actually, I can't believe this product even exists.
9. A retired Greyhound.
10. A housekeeper
11. Smartwool socks- Only the best socks on the planet.
12. A Sherpa jacket
13. A sherpa.

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The Janitor at Cock Hates Me

He only empties my tras like, 2x per week and its not that I have a lot of trash, but he empties everyone else's trash and constantly overlooks mine.

I have no idea why he hates me because the only conversation I have ever had with him (besides, good morning and thanks) was when I agreed with him that smoking is bad for your health.

My Jacket Smells Like Bethlehem

Which, incidentally, is a lot like smoke, incense and sheep.

I dragged my sister and King to see the Living Nativity last night. I was expecting... well, I guess a donkey and a bunch of people in robes and maybe a fake baby Jesus.


Instead it was more like: And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.([And] this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)Luke 2:1

When it was our turn to fill out the census, my brother learned just how much Latin he doesn't know.

Roman Census Taker: Quam vetus es vos?
Me: *stage whisper* I think he's asking how old you are
King Devon: uhhhhhhhhhhhh, *looks around* XX?
Roman Census Taker: viginti?
Minischooligan: If you went to Starbucks more you totally would have known that.

Seriously, the whole thing was SO. COOL. The church had recreated a replica of the whole village of Bethlehem complete with Centurions, Wise men, and A CAMEL! Oh, yeah, and lots and lots of people in robes. And the best fake Baby Jesus ever.

The coolest thing was that the whole thing was conducted entirely in Latin (Note to self: Do not let King act in loco parentis, Hebrew (Shalom!) and Arabic (A'yaad meelad Saeedah!). Unfortunately we had forgotten to brush up on our language skills before hitting the Bethlehem, so we mostly just walked around wide eyed, confused and occasionally shouting, SHALOM!

I So Totally Hate it When They Are Right

You know, those people that advocate working out in the MORNING because you are less likely to blow it off than if you go after work or whatever. I'm just not the person to be able to get up at 6am and go running. Anymore. I used to be all UP AND AT 'EM, but now I am more like, UNNNNGGHHHHHHHHH! 5 More minutes!

Anyway, I had this brilliant idea while walking back from the pharmacy last night. I decided to bribe myself into getting up early to go workout. With a gingerbread coffee from Starbucks. Yes yes, Starbucks is bad, etc. I don't normally go for the frou-frou drinks, but there is something about the taste of artificially flavored gingerbread in my coffee that I absolutely love. Actually, I get a gingerbread mocha to which all the Starbucks people always respond, Venti Non-fat Gingerbread MOCHA*?, and I say, yes MOCHA. Today the chick asked me twice if I really wanted that. TWICE. Whatever, it's delicious. I've also decided to rename it the GingerBat, and am going to suggest that they market it at halloween. Seriously, I am a genious.

*It's especially annoying when people can order a half-caff venti, two pump maple, half eggnog half WHIPPING CREAM, caramel drizzle latte and they don't bat an eye.

I'm in Love with Dylan McKay

No, really. The first season of 90210 came out on DVD (finally!) this month and OF COURSE I sent it straight to the top of my Netflix queue, I mean if there is any show that is representative of my generation this would have to be it. Even when they all got old and involved in ridiculous plotlines (Um, Dylan's sister Erica is a crack whore?)

Last night I watched the episode where Dylan and Brenda go out for the first time after he freaks out because his dad is all sketchy and Jim Walsh (who, like Slevs said, seems to spend the entire first season wandering around looking baffled.) is all, "I don't like that Dylan. His dad is being indicted for securities fraud." (Ok, I don't even know what securities fraud is. It makes no more sense to me that it did in 1990. All I know is that it is BAD and involves lots of money. And a witness protection program.) Anyway, it was like being 14 again, because Luke Perry IS SO HOTTT, and I was all *sigh* and "I wish I could go out with Dylan McKay." Which brings up the question of, What the hell is Luke Perry doing these days? I mean after his rollicking success in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (not as good as the TV show) and one of my most embarassing favorite movies (right up there with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) 8 Seconds where he plays the ill-fated bull rider Lane
Frost (based on a true story).
If you haven't seen this movie, please do. If only to watch the cowboy wedding scene (Luke Perry wearing a STRING TIE!*)

Update: Apparently he was in a terrible movie in 2005 and is vaguely upset by the African HIV situation. He's also doing an HBO series by the guy who did Deadwood, and therefore has the potential to not suck. SHIT!

*Yes, I know it's called a BOLO, but STRING TIE is so much funnerer to say. When I waited tables at the dude ranch I had to wear one. The King got me a special one for my birthday that had a gigantic western saddle. STRING TIE!

Making My Mother Proud

For a while now, I've been making a conscious effort to save money. Mostly because I don't have any. If current trends continue, I face working until AT LEAST 2045 before I can retire. That's pretty effing depressing, so I pinch pennies where I can. I mean, it's all about balance and a hefty serving of ingenuity. For example, I keep my heat off so that I can afford to buy expensive bourbon which in turn keeps me warm. Cats are also cheaper than Natural Gas, and way more amusing. I mean, who wants to watch the heater lick peanut butter off it's nose?

There are a lot of hillarious helpful websites out there with ridiculous useful tips on living frugally by washing your clothes in the bathtub or, stir uncooked oatmeal into a glass of water, sweeten it with sugar and stir. The oatmeal will settle to the bottom of the glass and the cloudy part will mask any off taste in the water. You drink the water, then you eat the oatmeal.

Riiiigggghhhhht.

But really, saving money doesn't have to be depressing. I mean, who would't like these cheap ass earrings? Or this brooch? And what says Christmas more than a box of Q-tips?

Cork'd

Thanksgiving. Still digesting.

Thursday 13

13 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Rock climb in Thailand.

2. Adopt a greyhound.

3. Vacation in Dubai.

4 . Have hot drunken sex with Anthony Bourdain.

5. Dip my own bottle of Maker's Mark.

6. Move back out west.

7. Watch the Kentucky Derby. In Kentucky.

8. Go to the PBR World Finals.

9. Have hot drunken sex with Adriano Moraes.

10. Ride a mule into the Grand Canyon.

11. Get "stranded" in a blizzard at a mountain cabin. With a fireplace. And a hot tub. And a barrel of bourbon.

12. Ride a camel past the pyramids.

13. Get laser eye surgery.

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Thanksgiving Cannot Come Fast Enough

Top 3 Reasons Why I Can't Wait for Thanksgiving:

3. 4 day weekend!!!!
2. Above average alcohol consumption!
1. It begins the "Holiday Season" where I have total dietary impunity until sometime after New Year's!

I'm Sick of Watching Things Die

We had the dog put to sleep on Saturday. It was time.

What else can I say, happy to the very last, I'll miss you Finn. Go pick a fight in heaven.

Fabulous Life = Lack of Blogging

If by fabulous we mean working overtime (including weekends!), enjoying the fruits of a liquor store liquidation (Currently drinking Oro, a lovely Spanish red. Soft, velvety with a surprisingly smooth finish.) trying to convince my computer to stop being an asshole and connect to the internet already, and listening to pigeons having loud pigeon conversations in the eaves of my house every morning beginning at 4.30 am.

And yoga. I've been doing the yoga thing and really enjoying it (the yoga lady is SO CUTE. And nice! And cute!) Except for the fact that I feel like every time I go, I suck more than the time before. Like this week when I nearly fell over trying to do the balancing Half Moon. My consolation was that the girl next to me fell over too. We exchanged sympathetic glances while picking ourselves off the floor. The girl on the other side of me came within inches of kicking me in the face. Oh, and the guy behind me spent the whole class either talking to himself or sitting on the abandoned nautilus machines lined up against the wall. I think part of my problem was that while I was bending over I kept fixating on all the cat hair stuck to my pants. Black pants + cats = useless battle to look put together.

The True Meaning of Awesome

Today my dad, my sister and I took the annual trip to the farm to buy Halloween pumpkins and marvel at how cute the llamas are. There was a week or so old baby llama that was all fuzzy and big eared. We picked out our pumpkins, ran through the corn maze, bought some gigantic carrots and headed home.

On the way back we drove past a liquor store that was going out of business. A hand printed sign, obviously written by the hand of God, read "Today Only! All Wine $2.0o!" I don't know that I have ever read such beautiful words and I immediately cut the wheel hard to the right and careened into the parking lot.

The store was mostly empty, but there were still shelves and shelves of $2 wine. I grabbed a cart after momentarily falling to my knees in tearful gratitude. Now usually, $2 wine is, well Boone's Farm or best served in a paper bag. But this was a gold mine of pleasant drinking. I immediately grabbed 3 bottles of Rancho Zabaco Sauvignon Blanc, which is a wine I had just reccommended to someone the other day. Everything else was pretty much a blur of ecstatic disbelief and tears of joy. There was mostly white wine left, but I did get a couple bottles of red, a bordeaux, and some italian wine that I don't know anything about, but figured I could risk the TWO DOLLARS. I got some sparkling wine, a bottle of Dubonnet, and some fume blanc, and, and, and...

I spent a whopping $32 and came out with 17 bottles (!!!) of wine. (They gave me one free. A sommelier's dozen?) I think it's fair to say that this was one of the best bargain finds of the century.

Between this and the PBR finals this week, I am one happy girl.

Hot Diggity! It's Thursday 13!

13 Outdated Phrases That I Love and Use Without Knowing Exactly What They Mean.

1. Ass over teakettle- As in, falling. Confusing imagery, but fun to say.

2. 23 Skidoo!- I don't think anyone knows exactly what this one means, but it goes well when followed up by dashing off stage right whilst holding a football.

3. Raining fishhooks and hammer handles- Pa said this once in one of the Little House on the Prairie Books, and I just love it. Much more dangerous than “cats and dogs”.

4. See a man about a horse- Wonderful for making a mysterious departure when really, you are just going to the bathroom or something.

5. Dog and Pony Show- Sometimes Cock is just one big dog and pony show. Or one big corporate circle jerk, depending on whom you ask.

6. Bum’s Rush- My mom used to say this, usually apologetically, “I hate to give you the bum’s rush…” Makes me smile.

7. Blow it out your ear- I think Homestar said it, and therefore it may or may not have any actual meaning. Or maybe it’s just a polite way of shoving it up someone’s ass.

8. Nervous as a whore in church- Hee hee.

9. Nerved up- To the point of complete confusion, “I’m so nerved up I don’t know what I’m doing.”

10. Mommy drinks because you cry- What I say to my cats when they won’t shut up.

11. The road to hell is paved with good intentions- Or, coulda, shoulda, woulda.

12. Curse like a longshoreman- Uh, see 1-12.

13. Off the wagon- Me? Never.

Hot Dog! We have a weiner!

(Or a frankfurter. Sometimes it's hard to tell.)



A while back I entered a contest sponsored by my favorite bourbon. They wanted to hear an adventure story. I forget which adventure I wrote about. It was either the "Hiking Down from Mt. Washington in the Dark Because I Forgot My headlamp in the Car" adventure or the "I am 8 Pitches Up the Side of a Sandstone Pillar and I Have to Pee Like a Fucking Racehorse And There's Not a Goddamn Thing I Can Do About it" epic.

At any rate, as you can see from the congratulatory letter I won 2nd Prize!!! I didn't win the mountain bike (grand prize) but I did get a nifty Bulleit Bourbon Hat. Which I will most likely never wear. (But if I do, I will take pictures)

Thursday 13

Sunday in the Park With Finn

You know how when someone is, like, dying everything seems so much more poignant and meaningful? And also sad.

My sister and I took Finn to the vet on Friday because his cancerous tumor had gotten really huge in a very short amount of time. It's growing out of his shoulder like a second head. The vet was cool and honest and told us that there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Not only was the tumor growing extremely quickly, but he had another one on the other side. He's already had surgery twice and it had come back each time and it just doesn't seem fair to make him go through another surgery when the tumor would most likely grow back before his stiches even came out. So, we decided to just let him live out whatever time he had left and not hassle him with anymore vet visits.

The weekend was beautiful and I spent Sunday climbing up at Rumney where I managed to fall off Lonesome Dove (5.10a) AGAIN. Motherfucker. On Sunday, my sister, the King and I all piled into the car and took Finn for a run in Howe State Park. We all had a great time tripping over logs and slipping on fallen leaves. For some reason neither Finn nor myself can resist walking on a fallen log over the water. They are inevitably slippery and one or both of us always manages to get wet.



After drying off, we headed to Dairy Queen for some ice cream and then stopped at the Llama farm. King made the mistake of taking Finn out of the car and all the Llamas raced over to the fence and faced off. Our dog is a lot like a drunk Irish guy (terrier) who doesn't realize that the fight he's about to pick is a really, really bad idea. My sister and I watched in embarassed fascination as Finn barked his stupid head off and the Llamas stood glaring defiantly. Finally, we dragged him back to the car and got out of there.

You know, llamas aren't ones for messing around. I tried to explain to the dog that a lot of sheep ranchers keep llamas because they run off coyotes and that if they could kick a coyote's ass they could most certainly show Finn a thing or two about a thing or two. He was too busy straining at the end of his leash to pay much attention.

Thirteen Things I Really Like

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