Thursday Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane 13

13 Things I am Thinking About This Morning

1. You know it's going to be a bad day when you are hitting the M&Ms at 9.30 am.

2. Oooh! These are DARK CHOCOLATE M&Ms.

3. I wish they were Reese's peanut butter cups.

4. I really hate power point.

5. There is no way I am designing a proposal cover that involves a 'fade' (or "gradient" for you techno geeks.)

6. Whatever happened to Kid & Play?

7. Snakes on a Plane opens up tomorrow.

8. I actually want to go see it.

9. I'd love to see it tonight at the Sneak Preview, actually.

10. Last night's episdoe of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" was a real tear jerker. (Dog's daughter died in a car crash on his wedding day.)

11. I can't help it, I love crap TV.

12. Laguna Beach didn't live up to the hype.

13. I still put season 1 on my Netflix queue.

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Mild Annoyances

Gargamel brought over some lovely dinner tonight, Big Lie brand Shells & Cheese. You know, the kind with the gooey cheese pack instead of the powder. The top shelf macaroni. He had my favorite cashier at the store, Doris, who is this no-nonsense woman who looks down at customers over her glasses and always seems mildly annoyed with everything. My kind of person!

For some reason, Cock has been reeeeeaaalllly getting to me lately. Everyone there is just so socially awkward and irritating. Like the guy who comes by my desk and says things like, "What ARE you drinking?" (It was iced tea, albeit weak looking and in a Poland Springs bottle, but what's it to you?) And then proceeds to hang out for 5 agonizing minutes talking about how he drinks green tea in his Borders travel mug and uses the same tea bag all day and just keeps filling it with hot water, so by the end of the day it's pretty weak, so yeah, tea.

Or Turquiose Sweater Vest who hands me a fax from the machine and tells me it's very important so I had better walk it downstairs to it's recipient right away. For some reason, this man makes every thing he says sound so annoying and is obsessed with all manner of minutia. I cannot stand this man, so when he gave me the fax lecture about how it was so time sensitive (it wasn't) I immediately put it into a time capsule marked "Do not open until 2047".

Later that day he came over to tell me that there is this Italian restaurant in Hopkinton that he and his wife go to, that's nothing special, but it's family owned and either you like it or you don't, you know? Well, up at the cash register they have York Peppermint Patties and everytime he goes in they seem to be getting more expensive. Last time he was there they were up to TEN CENTS, but he just has to have one after his meal. You know?

"the fall I've known was possible but not yet experienced"

On Saturday, anchored in at the top of the 2nd pitch of Beginner's Route on Whitehorse, I thought, "Why exactly do I like climbing? It's kind of dangerous when you think about it." I looked towards the ground, a couple hundred feet down from where I was tethered to the rock by a couple yards of synthetic fabric (granted, it was Dyneema, the strongest fabric ON EARTH) and realized that I had no idea why I was up there but that I was having the time of my life.

On Sunday, my feelings were a bit different.

Forrest suggested that we do Inferno, a 5.8 four pitch route on the South Buttress. I agreed because I'm affable that way, and also because Forrest was going to be leading the hard pitches. In retrospect, we should have regarded the arduous scramble to the base of the climb as a bad sign. But you know, that hindsight, it's 20/20.

I knew from the start, just by the way he was climbing, that Forrest was uneasy. And right before it happened, I knew he was going to fall:

"After traversing over to the very large flake/crack under a right-leaning arch, I was able to set a red Camalot, with a dbl-lenght sling and then tried to pull over the horn, I took it as a layback, stemmed and was trying to surmount the horn when I slipped.

From my sketchy memory and talking on the phone to 'Tom' who'd been leading "Lost Souls" off to our right, I believe this is what happened:

The initial fall was about 16 feet (I was 5 feet above the cam and had a 3 ft runner attached). Somewhere around 12+ feet of fall I hit a small ledge with my left thigh/hip/knee, that seems to have spun me upside down (remember that vividly!) and wound up about 30 feet below the gear, so there was probably some slack due to the route-wander and there was about 110 feet of rope out to stretch. (Tom says the first impact was on my back/backpack on a ledge, but I'm quite certain that's was a second-bounce ... he was focusing on a .10+ lead and not looking at me untill I'd screamed on the way down.) I actually fell inside the loop of the black rope.

I self-assessed, knew that my hip was gonna be painful for awhile but that nothing was broken and I was ok if very shaky. I pulled over to a cam behind a flake, clipped into that, assurred people I was OK and worked out how to get down. I untied the Green line, which was wrapped around Black, re-tied and asked Jess to lower me off as I cleaned the gear on the lower 2/3 of the pitch. The left hip was clearly too painful to climb back up to retreive the intermediate pieces, Tom offered to get the gear on their rappel, and was able to get everything but the Camalot at the top -- free to me, found on WG last year, so that's fine. On the subject of gear, nothing pulled, while I was pretty sketched by the route, the placements were all bomber.

I was really shaky after getting off the route, I've been sketched often enough but this fall was the first time on rock I've been terrified, there was a moment of tears before getting back to the business of getting off."

Terrified only begins to describe what it feels like to watch your partner plummet off and smack soundly into the rock, knowing that you've got him loacked of, but that there is enough rope out that you can't actually stop the fall any sooner than the laws of physics allow.

This wasn't one of those whooping sport whips that are more of a thrill than a danger. This was the kind of fall that has the potential for serious consequences, and even though once you get down and recover you'll recount the story to all your buddies, you still know that flash of genuine terror that screams, I COULD HAVE DIED.

Or in my case, I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.

That's the part that really keeps my insides churning; the knowledge that had I for a split second looked away, or let my attention lapse I could have let someone fall to their death. I didn't, of course, but that's the reality of this sport, that it's really and truly dangerous and despite all the precautions you take and the safety measures you employ, at the end of the day, it's still a risky sport.

But we're climbers; it's what we do.

In other news, I had breakfast with Boulder today. He's off the AT nursing a broken foot and came down to Worcester this weekend. We met at Annie's and had a nice time drinking coffee and eating hash like we used to before he gave "real life" the big middle finger and became a full time hiker. It was great seeing him again and he looks great, and seems really happy despite the Robocop looking cast on his foot. He still hopes to finish the trail before winter. But first there is french toast to be eaten and old friends to catch up with.

Thirteen Historical Events/Personalities that I am Strangely Obsessed With

1. The Hindenburg Disaster, May 6, 1937. I have a recurring nightmare that I am a passenger aboard the ill-fated dirigible. You can see a video clip of the crash here.

2. The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire, March 12, 1911. I saw a TERRIBLE movie about it once, that, although terrible, was really scary. And also sad.

3. Coconut Grove Nightclub Fire, November 28, 1942. Occured in Boston. The first time I heard the story, from an elementary school teacher I think, I was immediately fascinated and horrified. Apparently I have a thing about fires.

4. The Donner Party, Winter 1846-1847. I am also obsessed with and repulsed by cannibalism. There is a PBS docu. on the DP that FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT when I saw it. I thought it was easily the creepiest historical documentary ever.

5. 1996 Everest Expedition- I've read all the accounts I can get my hands on, Krakauer, Boukreev, Bershears, and Lene Gammelgaard, and am continually fascinated. Of course, you might say, I like climbing, so obviously I'd be into Everest. Except that I have NO DESIRE to go anywhere near Everest. It just seems like the most miserable experience ever. No thanks.

6. Queen Mary I- "Bloody Mary" the daughter of Catherine of Aragon and Henry VIII was totally cheated out of the throne and when she finally became queen she promptly had hundreds of people burned at the stake. You know, to restore the Catholic Church.

7. Henry VIII- Yes, I have to put him up here too. Bust mostly because he went crazy with that whole Anne Boleyn et. al thing and became paranoid and grossly fat. So fat that his bed was 4 meters wide and required a pulley system to get him in and out of it.

8. In speaking of fat leaders,William Howard Taft was America's fattest president. Apparently he got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to have a bigger one installed. Regardless of weight, Taft is my favorite president.

9. Frank Morris and John & Clarence Anglin- The attempted to escape from Alcatraz on JUne 12, 1962 and their bodies were never recovered. The FBI lists them as "missing, presumed dead". I have to say that Alcatraz is one of the creepiest places I've been to. And almost entirely covered in bird shit.

10. The Rosenberg Executions, June 19, 1953- The idea of death by electrocution totally creeps me out.

11. Herman Melville's letters to Nathanial Hawthorne c. 1851- There is a whole collection of letters that Melville wrote to Hawthorne, but for some reason, there are no surviving letters from Hawthorne to Melville. His letters always made me feel as though Hawthorne was the popular kid and Melville was constantly bugging him to be friends. Or maybe he had a wee crush on Hawthorne. Anyway, I have a soft spot for old Herman. And his beard.

12. The Mayans- And their obsession with time, and the Dresden Codex, and especially the theory that they predicted the end of the world for December 21, 2012. Only 6 more years. I better get busy.

13. The Salem Witch Trials- Teenage girls are SO EVIL. Of course, I can't exactly blame people for becoming hysterical. I mean, what the hell else was going on in Salem in 1692? Stupid Puritans.


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Progress

I have graduated from mashed potatoes to tater tots.

Invasion of the Schooligan Snatchers

I never thought I would say this but... I think I'm sick of ice cream.

Morgan brought me home a new vanilla Frosty from Wendy's yesterday to help soothe my sore mouth. It was delicious. And about the only thing I could eat, what with the hurt and the not being able to open my mouth wider than required to insert the tip of a spoon. Later that night I went out to get some edibles that didn't require chewing, applesauce, pudding and Jello Pudding Pops.

I ended up rejecting the applesauce (bits of apple that required chewing) and the pudding (for some dumbass reason, I got rice pudding, forgetting that bits of rice would be magnetically drawn to the gaping holes in my mouth) and trying to make dinner of of pudding pops. Pudding pops that didn't quite fit in my mouth because I couldn't open it more than a millimeter.

Hopelessly unsatisfying.

Today, feeling a bit better, and with the left side of my face looking much more normal and pain that was bearable with 3 tylenol every 4 hours, I branched out and tried to eat things that were a little more solid. Like instant mashed potaoes. With melted cheese.

Currently I feel a bit starchy. But as far as I can tell, there's no food stuck in my tooth holes.

I'd rather have teeth pulled

I had a dentist appointment this week. I had prepared by flossing EVERY DAY... for the week preceeding my visit. Years ago I had gotten 2 of my wisdom teeth out as part of a clinical study. I got an experimental pain medicine and $300. I was a lot better off than the kid who got the placebo. Anyway, I only got 2 teeth out because they were only extracting impacted wisdom teeth, and my other 2 were fully erupted. (Too bad because then I would have gotten another $300.) Since then I've not really thought about them too much, mostly because of my lack of insurance. Until Wednesday when I learned it was time for the other 2 to come out.

Post op: Oh my god. Let's just say that Dr. Chen is a very kind man. Despite weilding all manner of horrid objects and assaulting my poor mouth.

Honestly, I don't remember the other 2 teeth being this bad. Of course, $300 probably clouds my memory somewhat. This time I had to pay money, $95 in fact, which seemed like a bargain at the time.

Apparently I am a very sensitive indivdual, as evidence by the multitude of shots required to numb my mouth. Dr. Chen said that it also contains a small amount of epinephrine, which was probably why I sweated through my clothes and twitched while my heart raced. Then I felt nausesous. Then the Dr. began digging and prying around in my mouth, stopping several times to get more terrifying instruments and to shoot more anesthetic into me.

Why have we progressed so far in other areas of medicine, yet dentistry is still performed in a civil war like fashion? I don't know that there is anything worse than the sound of creaking and breaking teeth. Dr. Chen assured me it had nothing to do with my teeth and was just the sound of the instruments, but as far as I'm concerned, my teeth were screaming.

It took ages for the friggin teeth to come out. Seriously, for-fucking-ever. But after about 30 years, we were done. And now, all I can think about is how hungry I am and all the things that I can't eat because I can't open my mouth because the left side of my face is swollen.

But at least I don't have to go to work.

I don't even know why I'm surprised by this

I was reading some articles for work about Mercury Polution and reduction required by power plants, and came across the Bush Administration's Mercury Rule of 2005 which aims to reduce Mercury emissions substantially by 2010. However, the law allows utilities to either lower their Mercury emissions OR purchase credits from other plants that have made more drastic cuts. This system is the cheapest and fastest way to reduce Mercury emissions... without actually doing any widespread reducing.

The Time of Year Where I'm Cruel to Be Kind

I took Underfoot to the groomer to get her yearly haircut, and to strip her completely of dignity. I swear, everytime I do this she comes back looking even more ridiculous than the last time. And also 66% smaller. But honestly, look at that tail! I am a bad bad person.



Ninja agrees with me.

The Thing I Really Hate About PMS

Is how it convinces me that it's ok to eat a Twix bar AND THEN go and get an Italian Chicken sandwich from Burger King. Oh, and the headaches.

My job has been annoying me so much lately. Specifically, the guy who mumbles and doesn't finish his sentences and then somehow expects me to know what the hell he wants. (Sidenote: I usually DO know what he wants, or hope that he forgets about whatever it was he asked me, which happens pretty frequently. Thank god.)

Last night I played a game of Pictionary where I was supposed to draw JIMMY CARTER. How the hell does one draw Jimmy Carter?

Thursday 13

13 Things I Will Never Stop Eating Even Though They Are NOT Good For Me

1. Cheeseburgers

2. French Fries

3. Onion Rings, especially beer batter.

4. Ice Cream, especially with candy pieces mixed in.

5. Peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. Hey, it's my state sandwich!

6. Chinese take-out. Oh General Gau, how you seduce me.

7. Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich. Why is it not available ALL THE TIME? (Although, I should have my heart and thighs send a thank you note for that.)

8. Snickers bars. They really do satisfy me.

9. Nachos. Especially the one chip that has ALL THE CHEESE on it.

10. Diet Coke. No, I don't care that it's poison.

11. Pie. All varieties. Especially when the crust is made of lard.

12. Cookies. Especially the M&M ones from Shaw's.

13. Swedish Fish. Oh Lord.

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Everyday is like survival; you're my lover not my rival

Under the files of it's officially too hot is: TODAY.

Although I have to say that last night's decision to put in the air conditioner was, in fact, a sound one. I woke up to Ninja curled up around my feet instead of flopped liquidly on the kitchen floor.

I spent the majority reading this insane blog that I somehow stumbled across. Crazy to the Maxx. This woman is ENRAGED because she sometimes gets overcharged FOUR CENTS and doesn't get anything for FREE. And only an "I'm sorry." Also, she has a very detailed list of rules for how she expects to be served at a bar, like not talking to another cutomer while making her White Russian. I couldn't stop reading. I still can't. FOUR CENTS!!!

My life is a series of illegal left turns

Often on Mass Ave. in Boston.

This weekend Mike H., (I have to specify as there are about 345832782 Mikes in my social circle) Ben and I went climbing. Or rather we tried to climb and instead got disgustingly hot and ravaged by mosquitos for a few hours before going to the beach. We ended up in Manchester-by-the-Sea, (I can't stop saying that out loud) where we found free parking and managed to sneak onto the beach undetected and thereby avoiding the $5 admission fee. Stealthy and cheap! Or more accurately, we just walked by the attendant who looked at us quizzically for a second before returning his attention to the people who were paying.

It was blazingly hot. So hot that we almost melted before we could dive headfirst into the ocean, which was about 8 degrees. But oh so refreshing. We slathered on some of Ben's "factor 50" which prevented me from getting a terrible sunburn, and had I reapplied it, would have prevented me from getting a minor sunburn as well, and spent the afternoon lazing about and talking about nothing with some of Ben's co-workers (one of whom is another Mike and who we used to climb with when he climbed; he is curently either retired or on sabbatical, tbd.) and snacking. It was such a lovely afternoon I forgot all about the mosquito bites and sweaty attempts at climbing. Success!

I have been spending a good amount of time at the beach lately. I was at the Cape last week with my family for the annual Family Fish Fry and Hearts For Blood Card Tournament. Morgan and I also fulfilled a longstanding dream to have tea at the Dunbar Tea House. It was everything we had hoped for: finger sandwiches, scones, tea cozies and bitchy women of a certain age. Luckily for us, Morgan had recently watched a show on the Travel Channel on how to have tea and not appear gauche, so we knew to eat from the bottom up on, take small bites and save the chocolate for last. I enjoyed some really lovely aged Stilton and slathered everything in strawberry jam. Mmmmmm. Sticky.

Back. And as lame as ever.

Life Experiences Meme

Bold the ones you've done..

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (When haven't I done this?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing (I know, can you believe it?)
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (Hell no!)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents (actually, Mom was cremated...)
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children.
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (Not the whole thing...)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read. (Uh, yeah. All the time.)
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions (But I don't seem to have any.)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life (If you count stopping Emily from getting hit by a cab, then yes.)

Thursday 13

13 Things That Kept Me From Sleeping Last Night

1. It was too hot.
2. The fan was too “blowy”.
3. The fan was too LOUD.
4. Woke up suddenly to (possibly imagined) smell of electrical burning. Unplugged fan, cell phone charger, lamp and laptop.
5. Remembered that had left laptop on floor and worried that would wake up and step on it. Moved laptop to table.
6. Cats using bed as a springboard to get to the window.
7. Then fighting about it.
8. Horrifyingly real nightmare that went out to get into car and car had developed SEVERE rust literally overnight.
9. PMS headache that refused to respond to pain relievers.
10. Getting up to pee.
11. Cats using pee break as excuse to start demanding breakfast at 4 am
12. And 4.10, 4.12, 4.20, 4.30, 4.45, 4.46, 4.48, and 5
13. Cats demanding post-breakfast snuggle and suffocating me in fur.

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Dinner in the diner, nothing could be finer

I read this funny interview with Anthony Bourdain today on Salon. You should totally read it. He totally rags on vegans and Rachel Ray (whom I don't really have any beef with except for the fact that she thinks every bit of food she puts in her mouth is AMAZING.) Anyway, here are some of my favorite highlights:

Will we see you in a year saying, "Oh, I had drinks with Rachael Ray, and actually, she's all right"?
Yeah, right. "After the hot-tub incident, I've changed my mind." You know, listen, like I said, I could be wrong. Unlikely. But maybe she's nice to puppies.
Sure, sure -- you haven't seen her kicking any old people lately.
Actually, that would be cool. If I ever saw her getting trashed on Old Crow, pistol-whipping a vegan after a bar crawl, I would think, "That's an interesting woman. I would like to know her."

To quote Gargamel: Hey, he's talking about you.

In speaking of the SV, we had the most inane (and to my mind, HILLARIOUS) conversation today on G-talk:

me: blah blah MAGIC BUS
pt: magic bus?
me: MAGIC BUS
try yelling it
MAGIC BUS
pt: MAGIC BUS
me: hshahahahahaha
pt: ok who is this...what did you do with jess ;)
me: TOO MUCH MAGIC BUS
http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/w/whothe7653/magicbus274332.html
pt: why are we screamin magic bus?
me: cause its funny
i dont know
pt: ok.
me: MAGIC BUS
pt: MAGIC BUS
me: hahahaha
suck suck MAGIC BUS

Seriously, I've had that damn tune stuck in my head all day, even right now I am typing and mentally putting magic bus strategically in every sentence.

But you know, that's the beauty of the affected brain, bizarre internal soundtracks. I also can't stop thinking about Chattanooga Choo Choo (Track 29!) and "there's a grasshopper sitting on a sweet potato vine"

I have a secret. I have been trying to get into running, which I have always felt was an unnatural act unless from zombies or to the bathroom. At any rate, after a week and a half of feeling like I was about to drop dead after putting my sneakers on, I finally got to the point where a mile was only sort of awful. Then one day, I did 2 miles without even thinking about it, due entirely to the treadmills at the gym being equipped with INDIVIDUAL TELEVISIONS. I mean, my enjoyment of COPS is not in anyway diminished by having to run in order to watch it. Actually, now that I think about it, running while watching COPS is almost like being on COPS. All I would have to do is throw a crack pipe into the bushes as I jogged past.

Let me be clear here: I do not enjoy running. I don't get a "runner's high" or any shit like that. However, I don't hate it quite as much as I used to, due again, to TV and having purchased a new pair of shoes that don't make me feel as though my leg bones were being jammed into my foot every time I took a step. I also don't intend to do any serious distances (there's a 30 minute limit on the treadmills and I'm not that fast).

Running outside is ok too. Especially in my neighborhood, which again, is like watching COPS.

The Go To Hell Room Gets Redemption

This weekend the big project was filling a dumpster with all the crap left over from the previous tenants (who moved out over a year ago, btw). After about a zillion trips up and down stairs we had my 2 porches and the attic cleaned out. And a very full dumpster.

My dad was nice enough to help me fix the ceiling in the room off the kitchen formerly called the "Go to Hell Room" (where I dumped all the crap I didn't want to deal with. ever.)



The fact that the room had a partailly caved in ceiling made it all the easier to shove stuff in it and forget about it. That and the fact that it had a ceiling fan SHAPED LIKE A BASKETBALL. No, there is no photographic evidence of said fan. It's in the dumpster along with a broken rock tumbler and crooked venetian blinds.

Everytime I touched it, the ceiling just fell apart.



Sigh. (Ceiling repair as a metaphor for life?)

Plan B: We take the plaster board and just cover the entire ceiling so it doesn't crumble into bits onto my head. Except that I can't accurately measure dimensions so we ended up with oddly shaped pieces of board that didn't fit the ceiling.

We did, however, replace the light fixture. SLAM DUNK!

Back to doing what I do best

Getting irritated with the world at large!

Today at work there were moments where I felt dangerously close to losing my shit.

Annoying highlights include:

1. Bitching about not having a certain candy in the (free) communal candy jar (which is on my desk and which I inherited form the person who used to work here and really should just chuck out the window, except they don't open... CRAP!) Now, the way I see it, there are 2 possible solutions here neither of which include complaining to me: a) Don't eat any. or b) GET YOUR OWN FREAKING CANDY becasue then you can get WHATEVER YOU WANT.

2. Repeatedly getting badgered to "follow up" with someone re: an annoying powerpoint presentation (is there any other kind?) when I have already emailed AND left voice mail to the point of stalking. What the fuck do you want me to do? Hunt him down and hold him at gunpoint? Bounty hunters make loads more money than I do, Buddy. FYI.

3. Having the outrageously socially inept newish guy walk by me as I was making a weird face and have him say, "Don't bite your cheek!" Huh? Is this a warning or an order? In neither case is it appropriate or sense-making.

4. Crazy old Italian man (who is definitely going senile, like, as I type this) stands by my desk holding a reference list and mumbles inchoerently in unfinished sentences, but insisting that I do... something... reference... here it is... Jessica. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OTHERWISE I CAN'T HELP YOU. I just shrugged and looked hopeless and he eventually went away.

Thursday 13

13 People from the Past that I Would Like to Have Over For Dinner

1. Mark Twain - He has always been at the top of my list of people I wish I could hang out with. I mean, he's entertaining, witty, and likes to drink whiskey and smoke. Perfect! Also, he lived next dooor to Harriet Beecher Stowe and I bet she was really annoying. MT would have some good dirt.

2. Edgar Allen Poe - Yes, he did have a bit of a drinking problem, but would probably bring some opiates as a hostess gift. Then we could go to a goth club after supper.

3. Rasputin- His name means "debauched" in Russian, so obviously he knows how to have a good time. It be nice, however, if he cleaned himself up a bit before dinner. And we could poison the food and he wouldn't even care.

4. Ben Franklin- Seems like he and Twain would get on well. He'd probably provide some entertaining conversation and I could finally bitch to him about what a BAD IDEA daylight savings is.

5. Laura Ingalls Wilder - You know to get the REAL story of what happened out on the prairie. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that she's kind of dull and maybe a bit of a priss.

6. F. Scott Fitzgerald - (What is it with me inviting over alcoholics? Must remember to put away breakables.) I could do his whole James Joyce "OMG I am so glad to meet you that I could just weep!" bit. Then I could get him to sign all my books while I embarass myself by gushing over him.

7. Johnny Cash - Now, I think this is where I would really embarass myself. I have always been a bit in love with Johnny Cash and I can't see myself not babbling nonsensically about how much I love his music and how it just speaks to me and, wow, that black suit sure is flattering and, oh, would you like another Percoset? Oh shit, I'm sorry, you're in recovery. God, I'm SUCH an asshole...

8. Charles II of Spain - OK, yes, I have a weird fascination with the Habsburgs and their jaw. Apparently Charles was completely batty and weird. And liked to shoot things.

9. Virginia Reed - One of the survivors of the Donner Party debacle. Not sure if it's best to discuss over dinner, but I would like to find out what really happened.

10. Mitch Hedberg - Only the funniest comedian EVER. God, I miss him.

11. Jasper Newton Daniel - aka "Jack" His biography, "Blood and Whiskey" was v. interesting. I would love to drink learn about the history of American whiskey with him.

12. George Mallory- I am dying to know whether he actually got to the top of Everest before Hilary.

13. Khufu - Because we are ALL dying to know how the damn pyramids were built.

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Having Friends on the Inside

Means that I get gems like this HOT OFF THE WIRE!!

¶ BOSTON (AP) _ It's creamy, sweet and it's become a staple of lunch boxes for generations of New England school children.

¶ Now, the beloved Fluffernutter sandwich _ the irresistible combination of marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter, preferably on white bread with a glass of milk handy _ finds itself at the center of a sticky political debate on Beacon Hill.

¶ State Rep. Jarrett Barrios, D-Cambridge fired the first shot, vowing earlier this week to file an amendment limiting schools to serving Fluffernutters just once a week as the main meal of the day.

¶ Barrios decided to take action after his third-grade son Nathaniel was given a peanut butter and Fluff sandwich at the King Open School in Cambridge. Barrios acknowledged that while "it seems a little silly to have an amendment on Fluff" the issue of school nutrition is serious.

¶ Barrios' amendment seemed anything but silly to Democratic state Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein, D-Revere, whose district is near Lynn, home of Durkee-Mower Inc., the local company that has produced the marshmallow concoction for more than 80 years.

¶ The day after Barrios announced his amendment, Reinstein fired off an e-mail announcing her own legislation designating the Fluffernutter the "official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

¶ "I believe we need to preserve the legacy of this local delicacy," Reinstein wrote in the letter to fellow lawmakers. She noted Fluff is free of artificial preservatives or colorings.

¶ In an interview, Reinstein said she felt the need to defend the honor of Fluff, protect the rights of parents, and protect a local company.

¶ "I'm going to fight to the death for Fluff," Reinstein said. "It's out of control. It's ridiculous that with all the things going on in the state and in the world, we're having this conversation. It's insane."

¶ On Tuesday, an aide to Barrios said the senator is not anti-Fluff. He said Barrios plans to sign on as a co-sponsor to Reinstein's bill, although he still believes schools should ration Fluffernutters to one per week.

¶ "He loves Fluff as much as the next legislator," said Barrios aide Colin Durrant.

¶ The wrangling over Fluff is part of a stalled debate over a bill that would limit the sale of junk food in public schools in Massachusetts.

¶ Fluff has a long history in Massachusetts.

¶ The treat was popularized by H. Allen Durkee and Fred L. Mower, both World War I veterans, who cooked up the treat in their kitchen at night and sold it door to door during the day.

¶ Durkee and Mower purchased the recipe for Fluff for $500 from another Massachusetts man, Archibald Query _ who lived in Somerville, part of Barrios' current district _ who also sold it door to door before the war shut down his operations.

¶ The company didn't immediately return a call for comment Tuesday.

¶ Since its invention, legions of New England kids have grown up on Fluffernutters. Parents have used the sandwich as a food of last resort for finicky eaters, sometimes adding banana slices to compliment the protein of the peanut butter.

¶ If Reinstein's bill is approved, the Fluffernutter would join a long list of official foods of Massachusetts including: the corn muffin (official muffin); the baked navy bean (the official bean); and the Boston cream pie (the official dessert or dessert emblem).


I cannot tell you how proud I am to live in the state who's offical sandwich is the Fluffernutter, not to mention the CORN MUFFIN.

Obsessive and Prone to Regret!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability || 10% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical || 10% Artistic |||||| 30% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

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I might be over being cool

At least as far as climbing is concerned. On Saturday I let Forrest drag me up the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff. Now Cannon is where the cool kids climb, it's regarded as some of the best climbing in the world, if you like that sort of thing.

This was my first trip and even though I'd heard all the stories about the arduous approach and the loose rock and the potential for an epic it didn't come close to preparing me.

The fun started with the hour long hike up to the base of the climb. Straight up, through a field of loose rocks. I had been talking to Forrest about how I have this ridiculous heartrate when I exercise strenuously and he didn't believe that it oculd really be 180 bpm, so he had me wear his heart rate monitor on the approach. Maybe 180 was a slight exaggeration. It was more like 176 or so.



The climb itself is 6 pitches and I made Forrest lead them all because I am a big wuss when it comes to placing gear. (And by "big wuss" I mean, I don't want to die/kill anyone with my ineptitude.) The climbing WAS fun. Harder than I was expecting, but a lot of fun. Look how much fun I'm having!



(Also, look how my helmet makes my head look all weird.)

The fun continued for over 6 hours until we topped out. Then we had to hike back down which was similar to hiking up except it was longer and also raining. I think we gave new meaning to the phrase "Wet to the skin." And also "exhausted" and "hungry". For about 30 out of the 60 minutes of slipping and sliding down a mountain in the rain lugging increasingly heavy gear I actually thought I was in hell. By the time we got to the bottom, I was reduced to shuffling along because I literally could not lift my feet anymore. Clearly the only cure was a huge meal at Emperor Chinese Restaurant. At the height of our delirious descent all I could think about was eating a scallion pancake. And then about how the thought of pitching a tent in the rain and being damp and cold all night was the worst possible end to the day. The more we thought about it, and how it didn't seem possible that we could even climb the next day anyway after getting our asses so thoroughly kicked, the better it seemed to just drive home.

We arrived back in MA around hour 21 of our day (got up at 5 am) and crashed. As I fell into bed I thought, Well, I've done Whitney-G. Now I never have to do it again.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Goals For Summer 2006

1. Learn how to use Photoshop. I know, I know, it's not that hard, but well, I am easily confused.
2. Rent a dumpster to clean out porches, attic, go to hell room, basement, etc.
3. Learn how to swim. For real, not just tread water/doggie paddle.
4. Climb the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff (Forrest? Yeah, that means YOU.)
5. Get rid of all the clothes that I don't wear, yet hang on to for no apparent reason.
6. Have a swingin' cocktail party once the VL is in proper shape.
7. Get a haircut that I will actually take the time to style every so often. (Pony tails and hats do not count)
8. Beat Morgan in tennis.
9. Get a small outdoor grill or hibachi for cookouts.
10. Be more tolerant of the Dog because he has terminal cancer and doesn't mean to vomit everywhere. Probably.
11. Watch The Godfather. No, I have never seen it. Yes, I know that is unacceptable. That's why it's on the list.
12. Lose 10 pounds. I feel like this is always an appropriate goal.
13. Stop being such a neglectful blogger

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Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Books I Have Read Repeatedly Until They Fell Apart.

1. The Little House on the Prairie Series, especially The Long Winter, Little Town on the Prairie and Farmer Boy.

2. James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, including during my Undergrad Commencement. I don't know what it is about his descriptions of religious ferver that I like so much, but man, are they good!

3. The Adrian Mole Diaries. Before Bridget Jones, Before the Nanny, there was Adrian. Loveable, clueless and British.

4. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe- Fannie Flagg. The movie, although good, was nowhere near as amazing as the book.

5. Florence King's Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady. I have literally gone through 3 copies of this book. And have used it's life lessons on numerous occasions.

6. The Johnny Dixon Mysteries- John Bellairs. As a kid these books scared me senseles. As an "adult" (hahahaha, who am I kidding?) I am amazed at how well written they are and how scholarly and just good. See especially, Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost, The Mummy The Will and the Crypt, and The Trolley to Yesterday.

7. Bridget Jones' Diary- Helen Fielding. Very few books are ligitimately and consistantly "laugh out loud" funny. This one is. The movie is not.

8. The Devil Wears Prada- Lauren Weisberger. As a glutton for celebrity gossip and fashion magazines, this book was practically written for me. Though, thankfully, not about me.

9. The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven- Sherman Alexie. Only the saddest, funniest, most brilliant collection of short stories, um, ever. I force just about everyone I meet to read it. The movie adaptation, Smoke Signals, is fucking phenomenal as well. I am a little in love with this guy.

10. Old Bones the Wonder Horse- Mildred Mastin Pace. Yes, I adore kids books about horses. Even the crappy ones. This one, about an unlikely champion, rocks.

11. And on that note, Black Beauty- Anna Sewell.

12. Into Thin Air- Jon Krakauer. Fascinated by Everset even though I have no desire to ever go there.

13. Bastard out of Carolina- Dorothy Allison. I really really love books by Southern women. I think I was southern in a past life.


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Vices

I spent most of the last 2 days feeling like my head was being squashed in a vise. It was the kind of headache that is obnoxiously resistant to Advil. The kind of headache that made me leave work early and go immediately to bed blocking out all light and sound. A headache that made me not enjoy the Cock Out lunch that work threw complete with pulled pork and BBQ chicken. So I declared war on head pain. Any headache that prevents me from enjoying BBQ is so asking for it.

So, I went to pilates even though I felt absolutely terrible. Pilates made me feel somewhat better, in that way that going to the gym always makes me feel better, and somewhat worse in that my neck hurt to the point that every time I moved my head I though (hoped) it would break off and roll away leaving just a spurting neck hole and I would kick it before collapsing into a pool of blood.

The rest of the night wasn't that much better. My headache also made the rest of my body resistant to sleep which SUCKED because when your head feels that awful sleep is the only escape. I retaliated with more ativan than probably necessary, but I wasn't in the mood to fuck around.

I woke up this morning feeling awful, but in a different way. Instead of head crackingly bad, I felt weak, nauseous and not able to see out of my right eye. Not well anyway. Perhaps this had something to do with my choice of clothes, cuffed olive capri pants (Thank you Old Navy for FINALLY making some pants that aren't designed to fit some sort of mutant), a rhinestoned black tank top (think Holocaust benefit) and my chrome colored BCBG open toed heels.

By the end of a particularly harrowing day, I felt somewhat better and was NO CLOSER to completing the stuff for the audit. Not my fault though that documents DON'T EXIST. This thing will never end. I stopped caring weeks ago.

After work, I made my sister come running with me. We went to Spencer State Forest for some "trail running". We got about 30 good minutes in, not including when I slipped off a log and nearly lost my shoe in a swamp.

Fork you!

Last night I made enchiladas for dinner, (Enchiladitos, makes you wanna eat 'em.) It was very nearly a disaster as the enchilada sauce just kept expanding until I had all available pans FULL. In between gin and tonics, I rehydrated chilis and cooked up the ground turkey. G came by just at the point where I was going to throw myself on the floor in a puddle of gin and enchilada sauce. He took charge of the sauce and together we assembled 2 pans of enchiladas.

I have to say that despite the alarming amount of lard in the sauce, they were quite good. I used low fat cheese though, just to get my heart to shut the fuck up about being all clogged and whatever. Such a whiner.

I took some for lunch today and as I was walking back to my desk from the microwave, I decided that I could't wait to actually sit down and eat. So, I took a bite as I was walking. Or rather, I tried to take a bite, but instead stabbed myself in the face.

What's not to love?

The other day my brother Morgan and I were discussing the chemistry of love, (Not to be confused with the power if love, which is a curious thing.) He had read an article in National Geographic about what chemical changes occur in your brain when you fall in love and apparently the in-love brain looks almost identical to the brain of someone who has OCD. Not surprising, really. What was interesting was that statistically, being in love has a shelf life of about 7 years. Hence the itch, I guess.

7 years... still seems kind of long to me. But what do I know? According to NG, people who are on anti-depressants are less likely to fall in love. And I thought it was just cynicism.

In other news, I have taken up tennis.

Dancing to the ButterBeat

Now a break for the painfully cute Butterstick,


We now return to our regularly scheduled blathering.

I got to thinking today about how everything has been so normal. I mean with me, and life and the day to day. It's been so normal that I've stopped thinking that it was weird. So normal that I am going to go right ahead and say it and not worry about waking the sleeping robot: The Drugs Are Working.

It's about time, right?

Yeah, I think so too.

One tick, two tick, ick ick

I must say that the holiday weekend was a success! I went climbing and managed to lead a couple of trad routes without losing my shit completely. Yes, they were only 5.6, but they were wet. That's got to count for something. Oh and we ate at the Chinese place in Lincoln that has the General Gau's tofu that is so totally amazing that I am drooling right now at the thought of it.

Sadly, on the way home Sunday evening, we witnessed the aftermath of this accident. Which I can't stop thinking about. I am terrified of car accidents and bad drivers in general, and seeing the charred remains of a wreck like that one and stretchers and emergency vehicles all over the road gives me nightmares. And knowing that 2 kids lost their parents in the accident just makes me feel sick inside.

Inexplicably, my sister found 2 ticks on her today. I need to get her a flea collar or something.

Shake. And Bake.

Tonight is the season finale of Top Chef so to celebrate, G and I made a gourmet dinner. Shake and Bake pork chops, crescent rolls and mixed veggies. We stopped short of instant mashed potatoes however. (baked. mmmm.) Wicked good, yo.

Last night, I attended my brother's National Honor Society Induction. I brought along the latest Mountain Gear catalog so I would have something to keep me from clawing my eyes out in boredom. My sister and I played that game where you point to random ugly things and say, "You have to wear that!" (A variation on the "That's your boyfriend" game.) We happened upon these pants and immediately cracked up. For the rest of the night everything was followed by "with crotch zip." Yes, I am a mature adult! Oh, and when someone's cell phone went off and played "The Entertainer" during a moment of silence, I totally did not cause a scene by busting out laughing. And I didn't blame my sister either.

The Upside to Hiking in the Rain

Once again, I dragged my sister on one of my hair-brained misadventures. In my defense, however, it was sunny when we left. Once we got to Williamsburg, it was decidedly overcast and threatening rain.

I had picked this particular hike because it included a Fire Tower which we hoped would be like the one in the worst movie ever. Of course we didn't actually want to be pursued by "cannibalistic mountain men grossly disfigured through generations of in-breeding" but it did make the hike more exciting. Oh wait, that was the rain storm.

We were probably 2 miles from the car when it started raining. Hard. And since it was perfectly sunny when we left home this morning I had neglected to bring my rain jacket.

Before it really started coming down, we had the good fortune to see some newts on the trail. Or salamanders. I don't pretend to know the difference, but let's be honest here, NEWT is a much funner word to say. Newt!

Eventually, we made it back to the car and it promptly stopped raining and the sun came out.

I took my sister to Bub's where I introduced her to the awesomeness that is Bar-B-Que. Oh man. If there's anything better than a pulled pork sandwich and a juke box with unlimited free plays after being rained on for an hour, I don't know what it is.

A Schooligan CAN Change

I used to hate avocado. I was told that it was only because I had never had a good one. I kept trying them and kept hating them until a recent trip to California when I learned what all the fuss was about.

Now I get it. And I will admit that I was wrong. Avocados are awesome. I made some amazing guacamole tonight. My brother, who also hates avocados, tried it and was converted.

Absinthe You've Been Gone

Yesterday, my sister excitedly dragged me into the kitchen, "Hey weiner, Look!" And there they were. The official biscuits of Schooligan Nation. My dad had purchased them, and upon his return from the store, my sister eagerly pounced on the box "PENNY FARTHING COOKIES!!" My father was rightly impressed by Annie's knowledge of obscure transportation and asked how she knew what they were. She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Dad, I know my antique bicycles."

Long night at the climbing gym. A bunch of people, some annoying, some self sufficient, kept me there until late, but didn't allow me to actually do any climbing myself. I mean, except for the pathetic traverses around the gym where I fell off every five seconds. I did, however, manage to finish setting my route, inspired by this video.



They MUST have been tripping.

P.S. I am in no way related to the boy in the black wife beater.

Confessions from the Top Secret Schooligan Files

I just finished a bowl of Edy's French Silk Ice Cream. (Am huge fan of the reduced fat ice cream. 1/2 the fat of regular ice cream = I can eat 2x as much!) For some reason, I am always suckered into this flavor. I don't know why. I don't even know what French Silk is. That's right, I have no idea what it is or why I even get it. Apparently I am not alone, as I googled "French Silk" and got about 1000 different recipes for pie.

In other ice cream news, my sister and I were at Dairy Queen the other week and got 2 Blizzards, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. We were totally disappointed to find that they had "Hardly any candy pieces in them." I mean, seriously, why get ice cream with yummy stuff blended in if there isn't any yummy stuff?

My sister emailed DQ headquarters and complained. Yesterday, she got a letter from Dairy Queen International apologizing for the Blizzards not living up to the quality standards we have come to expect from Dairy Queen's independently owned franchises. They included $7 worth of gift certificates and promised to launch an ivestigation into the Blizzard making at our local DQ.

Thank goodness! I would hate to see other people suffer the cruelty of Blizzards with "hardly any candy pieces in them."

Schooligan Nation: More complete from Bear to Zzzzz

Despite there being a Texas Ranch House marathon on the TV, Emily and I headed up to Mount Monadnock for an afternoon hike (Or as Timmycliff put it, an approach without a climb.) It was a bit of a slog for me due in no part to my Margarita consumption the night before. We sumitted and crouched down behind a boulder to much some clif bars and blueberry poptarts and get out of the wind.

The trip down was... uneventful. Until we were about 2/3 the way back to the car and rounded a bend and came upon a BEAR hanging out on the side of the trail. We stopped short and simultaneously had this reaction:
"Oh cool. It's a bear."
"OHMYGOD it's a BEAR!!!"

Lucky for us, Mr. Fuzzy Ears wasn't having a bad day or a sudden desire to maul. We looked at each other for half a minute and then he turned around and ambled away.

I just want to thank the Duggar Family for being so crazy. If it weren't for your 16 kids we might not have been talking animatedly and alerting the BEAR to our presence and instead surprised him and gotten ourselves mauled. You saved our lives.

Not having beat my body up quite enough, I went up to Rumney on Saturday with Rob adn Alissa. It was a perfect day for climbing and I was enjoying myself so much that I allowed Rob to convince me to get on this ridiculously vicious 5.10d at Triple Corners. Actually it was more like, "Oh, your gear is at the top, so if you want it back..." I fall for this every time. Those Schooligans, they just don't learn.

I managed to completely mangle my hands jamming a crack over and over and over while failing to do the crux move. You'd think I'd remember to tape up. (See above, re: not learning.) I eventually finished the route and retrieved my gear but not before starring in "Hang Fest 2006." Oy.

So, I haven't been sleeping very well. Or very much. I'm not sure why as I am not feeling bad or anxious in any other way. (I mean other than the usual, "Cat, you did NOT just knock over those flowers and spill water all over my bank statement!") I just couldn't seem to fall asleep and wake up rested. No matter what. So I went to see my doc on Monday. She gave me some Ambien in the hopes that it would help reset my sleep timer. She also made me promise to call her if had any concerns. Or, you know, drove my car into a tree or something. So far, so good.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things That Will NEVER Get Old

1. Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer"
2. Cereal Bawks
3. Blueberry Frosted PopTarts
4. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. (Best on a cold day, but good pretty much any time.)
5. The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4
6. Chinese Take Out (I think there have only been 2 occasions in my life when I didn't want any, and at least one of those was immediately following a dumpling orgy.)
7. Gin and Tonics (Especially drunk while lounging on the sofa in my underwear on a hot day. I am still PISSED that I left the bottle of Tanqueray in the freezer of my old apartment.)
8. Snuggling with the wee kitty zizzer snoozle pantses.
9. Climbing (duh.)
10. Napping in the middle of the day (Bonus points if on beach)
11. Hillarious (slash "drunk") home videos (bonus points if people fall in a humourous manner.)
12. Mechanical bulls
13. Leaving work early. (heh.)



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I don't begrudge you moving to the West Coast

But it doesn't mean I'm not gonna miss you like hell.

My friend Mikey had a going away BBQ this weekend. Fucker got himself a better paying job in a better climate in the same state as his girlfriend, AND TOOK IT!! Despite getting to catch up with some long lost climbing buddies (this means you, Graham and Ben) and meeting some new ones, the whole event was overall just v. sad. But like they say in Whistle Stop, "A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same." Or, "I have yet another reason to visit California."



On Sunday, I declared it "Lazy Sunday" and had PT make me cornbread (yum, thanks!) while I watched the Phantom Gourmet. Well, at least until the Phantom was over, then I declared "Sunday where we drive around the backroads of Sturbridge looking for a Holiday Inn that is really a Best Western and then go hiking in Tick Country." My sister and I had a lovely hike through Wells State Park where we saw beaver dams, tadpoles and an unattended baby. (That was later attended to, thank goodness.)

We hiked an awesome trail up to the top of a rocky ridge where we stood and surveyed the landscape and wondered if the updraft was strong enough to keep us from falling off. (We didn't get close enough to the edge to find out.) As we were about ready to head down, I SENSED something. My tick sense told me to check my sock. Sure enough, one of the little bastards was trying to burrow his way through my SmartWool. We flicked him away and took off running back to the car, glancing occasionally over our shoulders to see if he was gonna catch up to us on his mountain bike. (Hahahha. NOPE! Victory!)

Fun Fact for Yesterday

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons My Birthday ROCKED This Year (In no particular order)

1. Ems coming all the way from BROOKLYN to have dinner with me.
2. Getting not one but TWO bouquets of flowers from that special someone.
3. Pho Dakao living up to all the hype. I mean, MY hype. I've always thought it was awesome, I'm glad others agree with me.
4. PT "fixing" my cake so it wasn't lopsided. (Dammit! Why didn't I get a picture to show Rob?)
5. DKNY's "Be Delicious". Morgan, you are AWESOME!
6. Master Shake
7. Woodford FUCKING Reserve, thank you Jack! This bourbon is only available to gods and higher order Cherubim, which is why I have never perchased it. Good thing my friends have fewer black marks on their souls than I do.
8. Everyone being kind to my cake mishap (although doused with liquor, it was quite good, quite good)
9. I don't really feel any older. (Despite teetering on the edge of 30. Ok, not teetering so much as seeing 30 looming on the horizon and laughing maniacally.)
10. Fitting into my "skinny jeans" despite eating and drinking like I was at a bacchanalia for the previous week.
11. Handmade mullet card. (Is there any better way to show that you care?)
12. My coworkers giving me a pound of chocolates.
13. Being with the people I love and who love me despite all of my neurosis. Usually.

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The proper response to the beginning of another year

Wine Tasting. In Sonoma.

I spent last weekend in California visiting some old friends. In addition to wine tasting, there was also climbing.
I mean climbing.

THe climbing was a lot of fun, despite having climbed like, oh, ONCE since the end of winter (Which, in my defense was only like 10 minutes ago), I still managed to haul my atrophied ass up a 5.9 hand crack. I also managed to bruise and scrape just about my entire body. Just in time to go with Sara to a black tie fund raising Gala on Saturday! I managed to (mostly) conceal the battleground of climbing injuries with a lovely pink wrap and too many cocktails while skulking in the shadows of very rich people.

My birthday present to all of you.

The Schooligan Knows Her Assholes

Check it out!

I won 2nd Place!

Dyngus Day

Perhaps even more awesome than having 2 kinds of pork before 11 am (ham and kielbasa) is the fact the tomorrow youngsters of Polish and Hungarian descent get to dump water on each other. Since my family has become increasingly more Polish over the years, I am looking forward to getting drenched and switched by eligible young men.

One thing that was a bit disappointing about this Easter (although, I must say, it was preferable to being stuck in the Las Vegas airport after having missed my flight home like I did last year) was not being able to locate my mom's Babka recipe. Well, that and losing to my cousin in the highly competitive Easter Egg Smash (you hit the point of your egg against the point of someone else's and see who's egg remains intact). But one would think that a trditional family recipe would be easier to locate than, say, one for TERYAKI ICE CREAM.

My weekend, overall, was pretty productive. I found the game Operation (Where you're the doctor!) at a thrift store for $1.99 and combined with a 12 pack of Tecate made for a hillarious and stressful time. For real, that game is so fucking nerve wracking. I don't know anything more stressful than trying to remove a funny bone without causing Cavity Sam to buzz with the sound of your failure.
Honestly, my sister and I freak the fuck out every single time we play. It's hillarious. Even better are the "sudden movement of the playing surface" psych-out techniques that we frequently employ.
I also had my first taste of ice cream in 40 days today. Heavenly. Even though I was not able to descend upon the local Dairy Queen and slather my body in Blizzards, I did make brownies and then pile on ice cream, caramel sauce, banana, whipped cream and a cherry!

In speaking of caramel sauce, apparently my father had a run in with some ice cream toppings yesterday when he crashed his shopping cart into a display at the supermarket and sen hot fudge flying everywhere. As my sister gasped out the details of the story while practically incapacitating the both of us with laughter I chastised her for not whipping her cell phone out and recording the event.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Songs I Am Totally DiggingRight Now!

1. Hips Don't Lie-Shakira (I think she is so sexy, and it doesn't even matter that she is only like 4 feet tall. This song will not get out of my head.)
2. Whiskey for My Men (Beer for My Horses)- Toby Keth & Willie Nelson (I'm a sucker for cowboy songs and the phrase, "when the gunsmoke settles...")
3. In the Midnight Hour- Wilson Pickett (It's totally suggestive in the most innocent way.)
4. Hung Up- Madonna (Even though I do not approve of her hair lately, I mean, feathered? COME ON, this song is super danceable and catchy.)
5. Back to Hell-Alkaline Trio (Yes, kind of Emo for my liking, but well, I like it anyway.)
6. Lean Wit It (Rock Wit It)- Franchize Boyz (Ok, possibly the dumbest song ever, but for some reason, whenever I hear it I can't seem to stop leanin' wit it and rockin' wit it.)
7. Rompe - Daddy Yankee (I have no idea what he is singing about or why I am so fascinated, but he can totally be my Daddy. I dare you to listen to this song and not feel equal parts annoyed and entranced.)
8. Kerosene- Miranda Lambert (Love songs about vengeful ex-girlfriends. And pyromania. Can you say "Empowerment"?)
9. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Pardon (No, I have not seen the movie, but I totally want to. And Dolly is still awesome, if slightly plastic looking.)
10. I Shoulda Been A Cowboy- Toby Keith (This song makes me sad and nostalgic, but's it's so true I should have been a cowboy!)
11. Blue Mountain Hop - Bela Flack (The Bluegrass Sessions is probably one of my favorite albums ever. And everytime I hear this tune, I fall a little bit more in love with Bela Fleck.)
12. It's Tough to Have a Crush- OkGo (It certainly is. Dammit.)
13. Minority- Greenday (I think Warning was their last great album. Honestly I could not see why there was such a fuss about American Idiot because it sucked.)

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I really really really want a donut

And some asshole had to go buy some and send me not one but TWO text messages about it. Only a few more days, baby. And then you are likely to find me lying on the floor bloated with empty Entenmann's boxes strewn about.

Oh, and as a warm up for my birthday (which I am not certain how I want to celebrate. should I have a party? well, should I?) I got a Happy Birthday postcard from none other than CHICKEN OF THE SEA! On the back was a coupon for 25 cents off a can of tuna! WHAT A CRAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! If you can show me a more effective way to prove to someone that you 100% do not care about their birthday, I'd like to see it.

Randomly I applied for a side job exercising Icelandic Horses. How cool would that be? (pretty cool) Unfortunately, I think they need someone during the week when I am, you know, WORKING. Sigh. I sent along my resume anyway, and we shall see...

Uphill Battle

Literally. Last night, in lieu of going to the gym, I decided to go running. For maximum awfulness I decided to run a hilly course, mostly uphill that is. It was soon apparent that I was no Rocky Balboa.

Or maybe I was Rocky in the early days of training when he fell over heaving and gasping on the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum. At least at the end of everything I didn't have to get pummeled by Apollo Creed for 15 rounds. I did however, manage to get in a decent workout as evidenced by soreness in 80% of my body.

After that I figured I was warmed up enough to make scones without injuring myself. Chocolate Cinnmon Scones, I'll have you know. And they are delicious, if only vaguely scone-like.

Satin Bedspread plus Satin Jim Jams Equals Nightmares of Luge

Before I say anything else, let me just say that my night at the rock gym reaffirmed my desire to remain ever childless. One dad and 4 boys under 11 and HOLY SHIT, isn't it passed their bedtime? How about now? Now? Oh, sweet Jesus, please. just. stop. yelling. and. running.

But on to how awesome my friends are...
Last night Forrest had us over to celebrate his 50th birthday. And what better way to celebrate than with single malt (Laphroaig, yesssss!) and some yummy olde wine that he mined from his cellar just for the occasion. The best part? We drank out of glasses USED BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY! Yes, apparently, he stayed at Forrest's mother's house in Idaho and drank (himself not exactly to death) out of the very glasses we were using. Despite the possibility of having some "Papa" in me, I dare say my writing has not improved much. But on the other hand, I don't have any great desire to shoot myself. So, there you go.

Having not learned my lesson with Jack's cheesecake, I went and made Forrest a Boston Cream Pie. It came out ok, except the custard was a bit more like creme brulee than I would have liked... and sort of lumpy. But surrounded by cake it was alright. I allowed that Jesus wouldn't mind of I had a teeny bite, just to see how it all went together. I was not struck down, but am not holding my breath for all of eternity.

Your Ass Got GONGED!

In the spring a Schooligan's thoughts turn to total and utter absurdity.

On Friday, G and I helped Jack celebrate his blank-blank birthday by going out for sushi. I managed to subtley eat more than my fair share of sashimi tuna. G had had the foresight to have a cheeseburger before we went just in case. As we were paying our check, the waitress overheard us saying it was Jack's birthday and she said, "Would you like the Gong?" WOULD WE EVER!

For the next two hours, Jack was temporarily deaf.

Back at the Voodoo Lounge, I proved the perfect hostess buy opening a bottle of bourbon and elating my guests with witty banter and full glasses of Frontier Whiskey, the ultimate in minimalist entertaining.

Is there anything more lady-like than "female trouble"?

According to Mrs Ruding, there is not. Which is why I should have been Venus rising from the fucking gynocological table.

Unfortunately, it is v. hard to appear ladylike and dignified when you are spread open beneath a piece of paper while total strangers examine your girly bits. Especially when they are wielding such tools as a PUNCH and a BRUSH.

The best best BEST part is that I have my period and as the doctor kindly YELLED DOWN THE HALLWAY as I was leaving my appointment, "Remember: Nothing in the Vagina for THREE DAYS!" Dammit. I had a whole list of things I was going to put there. Including, oh, I don't know, TAMPONS? Yes, I got my period a day later and was forced to go out and purchase and then wear A PAD. It has been so long since I have used one of these things (I like my Keeper) that I had no idea what to buy. I got something with wings.

I also have WICKED BAD cramps, which I do not normally have, but am thinking that my body is just punishing me for harassing the cervix (which, Emily is right, does sound like some kind of African antelope) Although after an acupuncture sesssion, I felt much, much better. So I went home, went running, did grocery shopping, made a cheesecake, tidied up, did NOT do laundry, and then curled up to watch "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio". It was good, but I kept thinking about how much my mom would have liked it, and that made me cry and unable to sleep despite the super snoozle powers of not 1 but 2 cats and all the crap TV and sleeping pills I could handle.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I Want For My Birthday (April 26)

1. A HAUNTED PIANO
2. A pastry roller
3. A freaking iPod. An old one, even. I don't even want to 60GB video (although would not refuse one), just a 20GB 4th gen. I'll even take a REFURB!
4. A new comforter for my bed. The one I currently have caught on the bedframe and when I pulled it loose, it tore wide open. Now I sleep wrapped in the stuffing that has oozed out of the wound.
5. D&G Jeans
6. DK "Be Delicious" Perfume
7. Photoshop Lessons (This means you, PETER.) I still can't wrassle my way to a decent finished project and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in WinPaint.
8. This white eyelet skirt from the Gap.
9. Dinner at a steakhouse. Especially a cheesy chain, like PRONGHORN or BUGABOO CREEK. Definitely one that sings happy birthday to me while I sit on a sawhorse with raw meat hanging out of my mouth.
10. A bottle of Bulleit Frontier Bourbon
11. This T-Shirt
12. These Shoes
13. Someone to worship me while I minx about in the above.

What I Really Want For My Birthday

And it's even FREE!

Arianna Huffington

Sometimes brain malfunction can be humourous, like when I keep humming the same tune from Bela Fleck's "Outbound" over and over while searching for pictures of motorized penny-farthings,

Or telling everyone that I'm sorry I missed their birthdays, when I hadn't.

But often it is simply annoying. Like how, for the past 2 weeks have gone to bed and woken up every. single. day. saying "Arianna Huffington".

Friday night, two factions met for parley over pizza to discuss... well, stuff. I chose this quiet little pizza place, Junior's, that I had discovered with Slevy a few weeks ago. The pizza was great, but the atmosphere was loud. We were seated near a table of 4 girls drinking Appletinis (delicious, yes, but you would NEVER catch me ordering one in public) and SHREIKING. It served to unite us in hatred at least.

After dinner (pesto, tomato and roasted red pepper pizza and Fish and chips. Yum.) I begged a stop at the Struck for a wee nightcap, because it's a nice little restaurant with a quiet bar. Except on Friday when they have live music. I choked down a martini while trying to block out the absolute worst version of Del McCoury's "1952 Vincent Black Lightening". A word for bar and restaurant owners, live music is not necessarily a good idea. Especially in an intimate environment.

Even bolting down my drink in record time, I couldn't seem to drink enough to drown out the cacophony so we adjourned to the quietude and free whiskey of the Voodoo Lounge.