The True Meaning of Awesome

Today my dad, my sister and I took the annual trip to the farm to buy Halloween pumpkins and marvel at how cute the llamas are. There was a week or so old baby llama that was all fuzzy and big eared. We picked out our pumpkins, ran through the corn maze, bought some gigantic carrots and headed home.

On the way back we drove past a liquor store that was going out of business. A hand printed sign, obviously written by the hand of God, read "Today Only! All Wine $2.0o!" I don't know that I have ever read such beautiful words and I immediately cut the wheel hard to the right and careened into the parking lot.

The store was mostly empty, but there were still shelves and shelves of $2 wine. I grabbed a cart after momentarily falling to my knees in tearful gratitude. Now usually, $2 wine is, well Boone's Farm or best served in a paper bag. But this was a gold mine of pleasant drinking. I immediately grabbed 3 bottles of Rancho Zabaco Sauvignon Blanc, which is a wine I had just reccommended to someone the other day. Everything else was pretty much a blur of ecstatic disbelief and tears of joy. There was mostly white wine left, but I did get a couple bottles of red, a bordeaux, and some italian wine that I don't know anything about, but figured I could risk the TWO DOLLARS. I got some sparkling wine, a bottle of Dubonnet, and some fume blanc, and, and, and...

I spent a whopping $32 and came out with 17 bottles (!!!) of wine. (They gave me one free. A sommelier's dozen?) I think it's fair to say that this was one of the best bargain finds of the century.

Between this and the PBR finals this week, I am one happy girl.

Hot Diggity! It's Thursday 13!

13 Outdated Phrases That I Love and Use Without Knowing Exactly What They Mean.

1. Ass over teakettle- As in, falling. Confusing imagery, but fun to say.

2. 23 Skidoo!- I don't think anyone knows exactly what this one means, but it goes well when followed up by dashing off stage right whilst holding a football.

3. Raining fishhooks and hammer handles- Pa said this once in one of the Little House on the Prairie Books, and I just love it. Much more dangerous than “cats and dogs”.

4. See a man about a horse- Wonderful for making a mysterious departure when really, you are just going to the bathroom or something.

5. Dog and Pony Show- Sometimes Cock is just one big dog and pony show. Or one big corporate circle jerk, depending on whom you ask.

6. Bum’s Rush- My mom used to say this, usually apologetically, “I hate to give you the bum’s rush…” Makes me smile.

7. Blow it out your ear- I think Homestar said it, and therefore it may or may not have any actual meaning. Or maybe it’s just a polite way of shoving it up someone’s ass.

8. Nervous as a whore in church- Hee hee.

9. Nerved up- To the point of complete confusion, “I’m so nerved up I don’t know what I’m doing.”

10. Mommy drinks because you cry- What I say to my cats when they won’t shut up.

11. The road to hell is paved with good intentions- Or, coulda, shoulda, woulda.

12. Curse like a longshoreman- Uh, see 1-12.

13. Off the wagon- Me? Never.

Hot Dog! We have a weiner!

(Or a frankfurter. Sometimes it's hard to tell.)



A while back I entered a contest sponsored by my favorite bourbon. They wanted to hear an adventure story. I forget which adventure I wrote about. It was either the "Hiking Down from Mt. Washington in the Dark Because I Forgot My headlamp in the Car" adventure or the "I am 8 Pitches Up the Side of a Sandstone Pillar and I Have to Pee Like a Fucking Racehorse And There's Not a Goddamn Thing I Can Do About it" epic.

At any rate, as you can see from the congratulatory letter I won 2nd Prize!!! I didn't win the mountain bike (grand prize) but I did get a nifty Bulleit Bourbon Hat. Which I will most likely never wear. (But if I do, I will take pictures)

Thursday 13

Sunday in the Park With Finn

You know how when someone is, like, dying everything seems so much more poignant and meaningful? And also sad.

My sister and I took Finn to the vet on Friday because his cancerous tumor had gotten really huge in a very short amount of time. It's growing out of his shoulder like a second head. The vet was cool and honest and told us that there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Not only was the tumor growing extremely quickly, but he had another one on the other side. He's already had surgery twice and it had come back each time and it just doesn't seem fair to make him go through another surgery when the tumor would most likely grow back before his stiches even came out. So, we decided to just let him live out whatever time he had left and not hassle him with anymore vet visits.

The weekend was beautiful and I spent Sunday climbing up at Rumney where I managed to fall off Lonesome Dove (5.10a) AGAIN. Motherfucker. On Sunday, my sister, the King and I all piled into the car and took Finn for a run in Howe State Park. We all had a great time tripping over logs and slipping on fallen leaves. For some reason neither Finn nor myself can resist walking on a fallen log over the water. They are inevitably slippery and one or both of us always manages to get wet.



After drying off, we headed to Dairy Queen for some ice cream and then stopped at the Llama farm. King made the mistake of taking Finn out of the car and all the Llamas raced over to the fence and faced off. Our dog is a lot like a drunk Irish guy (terrier) who doesn't realize that the fight he's about to pick is a really, really bad idea. My sister and I watched in embarassed fascination as Finn barked his stupid head off and the Llamas stood glaring defiantly. Finally, we dragged him back to the car and got out of there.

You know, llamas aren't ones for messing around. I tried to explain to the dog that a lot of sheep ranchers keep llamas because they run off coyotes and that if they could kick a coyote's ass they could most certainly show Finn a thing or two about a thing or two. He was too busy straining at the end of his leash to pay much attention.

Thirteen Things I Really Like

REDNECK O'RAMA

Only the best for the Nation.

My Baby's Got Me Locked Up In Chains

(Unfortunately, that's just a metaphor.)

This weekend was seriously the best weather we've had all year. More like late summer than fall, (except at night when it was like 20 degrees.) Rob, Alissa, Forrest and I hit North Conway on Saturday and Sunday for some primo deluxe climbing. Maybe I'm just a big wuss, but I don't know that I see a reason to lead trad routes tougher than 5.5. Whatever, it's fun, and Rob let me lead the ace pitch on Slabs Direct, and because it was easy there was no need to freak out and realize the potential for death. Yay!

Sunday was another brilliant day. Forrest and I climbed a moderately fun and extremely run out route called Wedge. He ran out 70 meters of rope on the first pitch, and used 2 pieces of gear. I set 2 or so pieces on the second pitch before racing the rest of the way up a blank, but thankfully, low angle face. I managed to misread the route so that I was left with a slightly scary, but thankfully quick, traverse over to the anchor. Forrest lead pitch 3 which was 60 feet straight up to the anchor. There was NO PROTECTION AT ALL. Luckily, it was easy.

Pitch 4 was mine, and while we were collecting ourselves I managed to not talk myself out of leading yet another run out pitch, many many feet up to a bolt and then a traverse over to a gigantic ledge. I left all the gear with Forrest because there was no place to put it anyway, and the less weighed down I was, the better. I warned F. that I was going to climb FAST because I really wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. He said he was ready, and I took the fuck off. About 10 feet into my mad dash up the side of the cliff, Forrest yells up, "Uh, sorry, hang on" and fiddled with the ropes a bit before being able to play out slack. I waited patiently, balanced on pretty much just air, and then took off to finish up. Reached the bolt with no problem, dashed up to a horizontal crack which THANK GOD had an ancient piton stuck in it. I greatfully clipped and and sidled over to the ledge.

The ledge thankfully was huge. There was a shaky looking tree with some old, sun-faded slings tied around it. I eyed them suspiciously, tentatively shook the tree a little bit and as it wobbled back and forth over the side of the ledge, I decided against using it as an anchor. I looked down at my gear loops; one lonely micro cam, a set of teeny stoppers and some tri-cams. Not exactly great anchor-building material. Actually, it was the least appropriate gear for the job. I glanced down, watched the sun glinting off the entire trad rack that Forrest had hanging from his harness and sighed.

Glancing around the ledge, I saw a horizontal crack system in the wall that had, thank you sweet jesus, an old piton hammered into the crack, (not as corroded as the one in the picture). I clipped myself into that and started trying to cobble my paltry gear into the wall to make some semblance of a safe anchor. I got a nice placement for the cam, but everything else was the complete wrong size. After some more fruitless fiddling, I gave up, slung my cordellette into the 2 pieces and belayed Forrest up. I hollered down that the anchor was probably fine but that to be on the safe side, I wouldn't fall on it. Luckily he made it up without incident.

Saturday night, we all camped out in the White Mountain Nationl Forest. We drove a while up a logging road and pulled out into a little clearing on the side of the road. As we were setting up our tents under the light of a full moon and Petzl headlamps, a large pack of coyotes erupted into deafening howls. It was amazing and reminded me just how much I missed that sound. The coyotes kept up their yip-yip-yapping as we snuggled into our sleeping bags and went to sleep.

"I'm going back to the country,
I can't pay the rent.

I ain't broke,
But, brother, I'm badly bent."

13 Articles of Clothing I Am Totally Digging

1. Old Navy print cotton t-shirts- As I was telling Alissa today, they are super soft and long enough to make my torso go on forever. And a bargain at 5.99!

2. Old Navy open knit sweater- Again, a bargain! Wear it with a contrasting tank top underneath, or if you're feeling supremely edgy, a pretty brassiere. (Just don't complain about being cold!)

3. My beloved Gap boy-cut straight leg jeans, that I thought I would never find. Dark wash, flattering and, dare I say, hip?

4. Black Prana capris- I wear these climbing, for yoga, sleeping, everything short of going to work, really. I wish I had more.

5. Solid color v-neck, super soft Gap T-shirts- I have a couple of these, nice enough to wear to work, yet casual! Also, 4.99!

6. My green "I heart climbing" T-shirt. Nuff said.

7. Black, wool, pleated Gap mini skirt- Cute, sassy, looks great with engineer boots.

8. Kicky red dress. If I weren't so lazy, I would post a pic. But I am lazy.

9. Vintage brown leather jacket- Given to me by Uncle Moneybags years ago when his wife made him get rid of it.

10. Signature red vest with Lake Powell and PBR patches sewn on-I got this in a thrift store in Craig, Colorado for $3, 5 years ago.

11. Black ribbed tank top with silver skulls-purchasd in NYC slightly before the explosion of skulls as mainstream fashion accessories.

12. Pewter belt buckle with bronc rider superimposed on a map of the US with an inscription reading "Rodeo: America's #1 Sport"-Cheyenne, WY, pawn shop, $15

13. Red Puma T-Shirt. (Yes, I know that one is pink. Just imagine it in red) I can sort of pass for hip or trendy. Maybe.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Unfortunately, My Hips Do Lie

They told me that circle, circle, shimmy, shimmy, drop would be no problem at all. Now I can barely move. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to NOT wake up in some kind of pain every day. But, you know, swivel, swivel, circle.

I finally got my car back on Friday, all shiny and not dented. And for only $200, not $900, which seems like the bargain of the century, as Ems would say. So, that's good. What's bad is that we noticed some bizarre rusting on the trunk door that needs to be taken care of. Apparently, it's an extremely rare condition that my body guy (whom I want to marry after all he did for me and my stupid car) has only seen like 3 times before. OF COURSE it would happen to my car. Anyway, as I was pondering what it would be like to drive a car with the back door rusted away, Jim told me that it would be around $600 to fix it but that it WAS COVERED BY THE WARRANTY!! So now I am just waiting for some head honcho at Subaru to give it the thumbs up and/or my door to fall off.

I had an exciting day at work today. I had to read and edit a 15 page paper on mercury control and fluidized beds. Are you asleep yet? Or would you like to hear about the rotary atomizer nozzles?

WhySpace

I've had my share of bizarre experiences with a certain website popular with, well, everyone, these days. This one, however, wins.

I get a message from "dave":
holy crap hello Goddess :) (not edited for clarity)

Then:
you dont remember me?

I reply, "Um, no." (After briefly checking his profile and not Remembering anything of the sort)

"dave":
ugh "donald_dink" ring a bell? :)

Anyone? I'm stumped. And somewhat thankful.

UPDATE (10/4) : you seriously still dont remember me ? :(
Seriously, no.

I don't care how loudly you play the Imperial March, Darth Vader isn't coming

After sleeping a total of about 45 minutes this past week, I passed out last night for a solid 9 or so hours. I woke up to rain. Inside my bedroom. I had left my window open. (And yet, I was confused as to why I was so cold last night...)

I'm not exactly what one would call "high falutin'" so I will just go ahead and say that "Jackass 2" was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Easily the best 7 bucks I've ever spent. (Sidenote: I got "carded" by the ticket taker, yet noone seemed to object to my LITTLE SISTER seeing an R-rated movie.) I can't remember when I've laughed so hard. (Actually, I do. It was Friday when I came across this.) I don't know if I've ever seen anything as brilliant as "Firehose Rodeo" or "Penny Farthing BMX."

There are times when I find myself faced with an irresistable bargain, and despite knowing that, for example, I don't need a 5th pair of climbing shoes, I just can't pass up a pair of Anasazi's for $40. Reason #437 that the Schooligan is only human.

WTF?

I've had this totally strange feeling all afternoon.

I feel genuinely happy. Like, can't stop smiling-50% off shoe sale-gin & tonic on a hot day-happy.

Maybe it was breakfast? (Annie's, hash, 4 cups of coffee)
Maybe it's the fact that it's hard to feel down in a kicky red dress. And I'm getting my car back from Subaru tomorrow after 2 weeks.

Oh, and I remembered to take my drugs on time.
Yeah, that's probably it.

Thursday 13

13 Things I Say Too Often (probably)

1. Oh, for fuck's sake. (thanks Slev.)

2. Seriously.

3. WTF? (I actually say the letters instead of the actual phrase that the letters represent)

4. Just stop. No, really: Just. Stop.

5. My life is a series of illegal left turns.

6. Whoa.

7. I LOVE barbeque.

8. Whatever, I'm a dork.

9. Engineers can't write.

10. There's not enough bourbon in my bourbon.

11. Well, this really sucks.

12. It's fine.

13. No, really, it's fine.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Power to the yoga

I had a moment of clarity this morning. Everything just fell into place and made sense. I think it was either the 4 hours of sleep I've been getting this week, or perhaps my dedication to yoga practice. And by dedication I mean ogling the yoga lady's amazing body for an hour.

Seriously, this woman is amazing. She has the right amount of muscle tone and isn't too thin. (And if Fashion Week has taught us anything this year, it's that you can, in fact be too thin.) She also told the most amazingly inspirational yoga story. Apparently she used to weigh 65 pounds more than she does now, and lost the weight by doing yoga like 2 times a week. Is that a sell or what?

I stumbled across a blog today that revealed that I am NOT the only person suffering early onset Seasonal Affective Disorder this year. I mean, seriously, wtf? It's not even October yet, why do I feel like crawling into bed for 6 months? (with a bottle of bourbon) I wonder if replacing the burnt out lightbulbs around my house would help?

Thursday 13

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!




View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

All's fair

A few weekends ago my sister and I were looking for something free to do on a Sunday afternoon and we discovered the Sterling Fair. For a low, low admission price of nothing, we got to watch a tractor pull, see a 600 lb pumpkin, pet goats, rabbits and cows, and fall in love with some draft horses. We also ate the best buffalo wings EVER, but those cost $6. (Still, a bargain.)

I was psyched that my sister was as riveted as I was to the draft horse pulling competition. (I mean, the draft horses were pulling things, not being pulled.) We literally could not tear our selves away from the action, and were heartbroken when our favorites, Bob and Pete, dropped out after 11,200 pounds.

I had an embarassing experience at the pharmacy today. I went in to pick up my prescriptions and when I told the clerk my name he looks at me and says, Hey! You're Devon's sister. I admitted that I was and then immediately thought, Oh god, please don't look at what drugs I'm getting. Now, I know that pharmacy people are supposed to be all discreet and non judgemental, but come on, I would totally check out who was getting what and silently marvel. It's like the postman (or woman) reading postcards, who wouldn't?

As soon as I had that thought, David (according to his tag) came back with my drugs and started ringing them up. He glanced down at the package and leaned toward me and said, Oh, do you have epilepsy too? I blushed and said, No, I had other things wrong with me. David gave a a small smile and said, Oh, I take the same medicine for my epilepsy.

On one hand, I thought I would seem more normal if I did have epilepsy, instead of my own personal mood disorder, but then I also felt sort of bad that I couldn't share a moment of solidarity with the nice epileptic pharmacy clerk. Then I just felt like a huge dork having an awkward conversation with a friend of my brother.

So my sister and I cotten-eyed-Joed back to my car and wondered exactly what had happened to ruin the marriage a long time ago. Stupid Cotton Eyed Joe.

Pyramid Arms

In an effort to combat my autumn blues, I decided on a course in public humiliation: belly dancing.

The YMCA just started offering a class and I thought, What the hell?
So I went.

Sometimes you don't realize just how uncoordinated you really are until you are forced to thrust your hips in a room of total strangers. I mean, I never thought I was awesome at dancing, but I never realized just how ridiculous I can make myself look. I quickly learned, however, while thrusting and shimmying and attempting to isolate parts of my body that didn't want to be isolated. The good part is that it's the ghetto Y where a large number of members are old, or totally insane and equally out of step.

I think the best part of the class had to be when we lined up against the wall, the GLASS wall that looks out into the cardio area, smooshed our butts on it and attempted to tuck our pelvis underneath us. Yeah.

Still, it was a good workout, I sweated for an hour and woke up with my hips more sore than I ever imagined they could be. And any workout where I can't move the next day has to be good, right?

Excuse me, I must go practice my Snake Arms.

End of Summer

I hate this time of year. I know that technically it's still summer, but everything is already says "fall". The end of summer makes me unbelievably sad. Even though I have an unbelievably adorable and fuzzy cat in my lap and autumn in New England is unquestionably the best season, I still want to crawl into bed and sleep for 6 months. It's like I can feel my will to live waning with the daylight.

Biscuits and Jam

Tonight I broke my biscuit and jam diet and roasted a cornish hen. For some reason, I just love those little birds. Maybe they are less intimidating than chickens? I seasoned it with Adobo, black pepper, crushed red pepper, a splash of lemon juice and white wine. And of course about 6 pounds of butter.

It turned out quite well I thought. Ninja showed his agreement by licking his chops and dancing around the kitchen on his hind legs with crispy hen skin stuck to his (gigantic) nose.

Tomorrow work is throwing another lunch time Cock Out. This time, the theme is "Take me out to the BALL game". Oh the things I could say.

And now for some fuzzy cuteness.

Makin Biscuits

There was this one time in college where I had like nothing to eat and only a box of bisquick in the house (probably there when I moved in), so I ate biscuits for about 4 days straight.

So, you know, there is a certain amount of nostalgia whenever I make them.
Just now, I slathered on butter and blueberry preserves (made by monks!) on an oven fresh biscuit. As I took the first bite, I dripped butter on my toes. Before reaching for a napkin, I looked to see if Ninja was around anywhere, but he was already lapping melted butter off the floor.

I don't know when, but all of a sudden my little kitty turned into a giant panther. Maybe it is just the contrast between him and 33% of Underfoot (the rest is hair, and is at the groomers), but DAMN, if that cat isn't suddenly huge.

Spent the weekend in North Conway with Rob and Scott. We had almost a mini epic climbing Standard Route at Cathedral. Rob was kind enough to minimize my mental breakdown on pitch 2. Scott was kind enough to remind me of the loose block he could very nearly have knocked onto my head. But you know, we followed it all up with Indian food and all's well that ends with paneer.

Sunday morning, after "stealth camping" in the National Forest, Rob and I work up super early to get going on a climb before it rained. As we were driving back down the Forest Service Road, we came around a slight bend and saw A MOOSE! Luckily, it just mosied on down the road and eventually made its way back into the brush. But DAMN, if those things aren't HUGE.

You know those days when you can't stop eating crab rangoons?

Yeah, me too.

The Thursday 13 That Doesn't Stop

13 Unforgettable Cayuses

1.When I was 10 I went to horse camp that summer. I was assigned to a bay pony named Sheba. She was kind of difficult and stubborn, but so was I, so we managed to get along just fine. I won my first blue ribbon ever at the camp horse show in a jumping class.

2. I took riding lessons for most of my childhood; my instructor had this horse named Kiowa, a former racehorse, who she was training in dressage. He had this weird habit of scratching his neck with a hind foot like a dog. Well, one time he did this, lost his balance and fell over backwards. On me. Luckily I got mostly out of the way.

3. In college, I rode on the equestrian team. At the stable where we took lessons under the instruction of a bodybuilding dwarf, there was this really cute palomino named Paddington. He was owned by the snottiest girl at the barn before she grew out of him and into a more expensive horse. He was one horse that I felt like I really clicked with and we competed together somewhat successfully.

4. During my 4 years on the team, we competed in shows sponsored by the Intercollegiate Horse Show Association. These horse shows were “unique” (read: CRAZY) in that you would show up at whatever school was hosting the show and randomly be assigned a horse. All the horses had weird behavioral problems. At least the one’s I got. Like Revelry, who spent the entire class dancing sideways and spooking himself when he looked in the mirror that made up one side of the arena. I think I still managed to get 5th place, but probably because they felt sorry for me.

5.Another intercollegiate horse was Toby. He was a small pony. Small in the sense that being 5’7” I looked utterly ridiculous on him. He was also impossibly slow and it took extreme effort to get him to move out of a walk. I must have drawn that horse three times before he died of old age.

6. Also during college, I worked at this barn that offered trail rides. In exchange for guiding and cleaning stalls I got to ride. Every so often I would even make some actual money! Being young, immortal and excited to ride, I was responsible for working all the horses that had issues so that they would one day be safe enough for guests to ride. I also got to ride whatever was leftover when the safe horses were taken. Like Cinnamon, who spent the entire ride either trying to bolt, or turning her head to glare at you while trying to bite your foot, while knocking you into trees. For some reason, everyone at the barn thought I liked this horse.

7. When I worked on the ranch I had the opportunity to fall in love with a number of horses. One such beast was Sweetwater. He was a Morgan and I’m not quite sure what he was doing on a dude ranch, especially since he was a driving horse and pretty green under saddle. On the ground he was an absolute dream to work with. He would come to me from the pasture and then follow me back to the barn without a lead, his head just above my right shoulder. I could touch him anywhere while grooming and he wouldn’t object and stood rock still when being saddled. Once you got on him, it was a whole other animal. He would refuse to leave the barn, and then spend the next 50 yards trying to turn around and run back to the barn. Once safely out of sight of the barn he fuss and fuss and do idiotic things like nearly backing off cliffs and turning in circles for no apparent reason. If you could get him to settle, he was a pretty nice ride. He’d go through water, jump over logs, and race over the trails. And he NEVER. GOT. TIRED. EVER. I sure did though.

8. Homer was another ranch horse, so named because of the HMR brand on him. When you’ve got 70+ head of horses, it’s crucial to give them names you can easily remember, (Red was red, CJ had a CJ brand, and Diamond had a diamond shaped star on his head). From the moment we got him, Homer was something of a loner. The other horses never really bothered with him. So, he liked people attention. He was a real sweet horse, a pleasure to ride and work with, but he was rather accident-prone. He was always coming in with scrapes and scratches from walking into things. Once he managed to get a hoof caught on something and came in bleeding with his fetlock torn open. It was a pretty bad injury and he was out of commission for a while after that one. Poor guy.

9. Cody was another guy I’ll never forget. He was one of the horses we’d use to round up all the others from the pasture and bring them in for the day. Cody was damn good at his job too, weaving and dodging and giving the occasional “move along” nip. This one time, he and I were going after some stragglers when he stepped in a hole, stumbled and sent my flying off over his head. I landed on my butt…in front of every single person on the ranch, who had, for some reason, decided to watch me bring the horses in that morning. It took a while to live that one down. (To our credit, we got back up and got the rest of the stock in, but man, was I hurting.)

10. Red was another special ranch horse. He was completely reliable and calm and good natured. Whenever I had a bad day, I would go out to the pasture and find Red. I’d bring him a treat and he’d eat it and rest his head on my shoulder, or go on grazing quietly while I sat on his back and tried to forget whatever it was that was troubling me.

11. After I moved back to Massachusetts, I worked for a bit with a barn that showed Morgans. I didn’t know that much about saddle seat so it all seemed kind of nuts to me. Anyway, I was a groom for a couple of the big shows out here and I got to spend a lot of times with these guys. One horse in particular totally won me over, PT Son of a Gun. He was a cute little bay horse who seemed a lot more sensible than his barn mates. When you cleaned his stall, you didn’t have to worry about getting crowded into walls, or nipped at, and he always stood quietly through all manner of ridiculous grooming rituals like tail wrapping, hoof sanding, ear clipping and gingering.

12. Technically, Libby is a mule, not a horse, but she’s definitely one of the coolest things on 4 legs. I lived on this farm for a while and the owners boarded horses there, since they had about 10 acres of pasture. One of our neighbors owned this mule, Libby. I would go visit them and scratch her long ears and feed her carrots. Yep, she was stubborn, and probably too smart for her own good, which made keeping her inside her pen something of a challenge. She was really friendly and cute and a treat to ride.

13. Roxy was a pony that I was roped into working with as a favor to one of my neighbors. She had bought this pony for her precocious 6 year old daughter, but the pony wasn’t quite ready for a 6 year old, (read: she didn’t steer, or know basic commands). Somehow it leaked that I knew a little something about horses and I was quickly recruited to help out. I have to say I did have a lot of fun with this pony, even when I was tricked into showing her at a local 4-H thing and looking absolutely ridiculous on this pony. Especially when competing against normal sized horses. To our credit, we did take Reserve Champion in the Green Horse division and a shred of my dignity remained intact.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!



br />
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Free Pineapple

On Sunday I went to the annual Clam Chowder Fest in Rutland, MA. It's a thing we do with my grandmother, and it's pretty fun. Except the part where I don't really like chowder all that much, but I don't know how to break it to an 84 year old woman. Last year it was really bad; I went pretty hung over from the night before. Let me just say that there are precious few things that are worse than unlimited clam chowder when you are hung over.

This year, it was pretty much the same, except I didn't feel like I was going to vomit at any second. I had a bunch of chowder and an Orange Crush. In all honesty, I probably had like 7 spoonfuls of chowder, but it felt like so much more. There was one delightful surprise this year to set the festival apart from other years: A Free Pineapple.

Some real estate company was giving them out. I thought I was going to have to get my dad to refinance his house to get one, but they were free for the taking. I managed to grab the 2nd to the last one and my sister and I spent the remainder of the day walking around with it and poking each other with the leaves.

Thursday Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane 13

13 Things I am Thinking About This Morning

1. You know it's going to be a bad day when you are hitting the M&Ms at 9.30 am.

2. Oooh! These are DARK CHOCOLATE M&Ms.

3. I wish they were Reese's peanut butter cups.

4. I really hate power point.

5. There is no way I am designing a proposal cover that involves a 'fade' (or "gradient" for you techno geeks.)

6. Whatever happened to Kid & Play?

7. Snakes on a Plane opens up tomorrow.

8. I actually want to go see it.

9. I'd love to see it tonight at the Sneak Preview, actually.

10. Last night's episdoe of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" was a real tear jerker. (Dog's daughter died in a car crash on his wedding day.)

11. I can't help it, I love crap TV.

12. Laguna Beach didn't live up to the hype.

13. I still put season 1 on my Netflix queue.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Mild Annoyances

Gargamel brought over some lovely dinner tonight, Big Lie brand Shells & Cheese. You know, the kind with the gooey cheese pack instead of the powder. The top shelf macaroni. He had my favorite cashier at the store, Doris, who is this no-nonsense woman who looks down at customers over her glasses and always seems mildly annoyed with everything. My kind of person!

For some reason, Cock has been reeeeeaaalllly getting to me lately. Everyone there is just so socially awkward and irritating. Like the guy who comes by my desk and says things like, "What ARE you drinking?" (It was iced tea, albeit weak looking and in a Poland Springs bottle, but what's it to you?) And then proceeds to hang out for 5 agonizing minutes talking about how he drinks green tea in his Borders travel mug and uses the same tea bag all day and just keeps filling it with hot water, so by the end of the day it's pretty weak, so yeah, tea.

Or Turquiose Sweater Vest who hands me a fax from the machine and tells me it's very important so I had better walk it downstairs to it's recipient right away. For some reason, this man makes every thing he says sound so annoying and is obsessed with all manner of minutia. I cannot stand this man, so when he gave me the fax lecture about how it was so time sensitive (it wasn't) I immediately put it into a time capsule marked "Do not open until 2047".

Later that day he came over to tell me that there is this Italian restaurant in Hopkinton that he and his wife go to, that's nothing special, but it's family owned and either you like it or you don't, you know? Well, up at the cash register they have York Peppermint Patties and everytime he goes in they seem to be getting more expensive. Last time he was there they were up to TEN CENTS, but he just has to have one after his meal. You know?

"the fall I've known was possible but not yet experienced"

On Saturday, anchored in at the top of the 2nd pitch of Beginner's Route on Whitehorse, I thought, "Why exactly do I like climbing? It's kind of dangerous when you think about it." I looked towards the ground, a couple hundred feet down from where I was tethered to the rock by a couple yards of synthetic fabric (granted, it was Dyneema, the strongest fabric ON EARTH) and realized that I had no idea why I was up there but that I was having the time of my life.

On Sunday, my feelings were a bit different.

Forrest suggested that we do Inferno, a 5.8 four pitch route on the South Buttress. I agreed because I'm affable that way, and also because Forrest was going to be leading the hard pitches. In retrospect, we should have regarded the arduous scramble to the base of the climb as a bad sign. But you know, that hindsight, it's 20/20.

I knew from the start, just by the way he was climbing, that Forrest was uneasy. And right before it happened, I knew he was going to fall:

"After traversing over to the very large flake/crack under a right-leaning arch, I was able to set a red Camalot, with a dbl-lenght sling and then tried to pull over the horn, I took it as a layback, stemmed and was trying to surmount the horn when I slipped.

From my sketchy memory and talking on the phone to 'Tom' who'd been leading "Lost Souls" off to our right, I believe this is what happened:

The initial fall was about 16 feet (I was 5 feet above the cam and had a 3 ft runner attached). Somewhere around 12+ feet of fall I hit a small ledge with my left thigh/hip/knee, that seems to have spun me upside down (remember that vividly!) and wound up about 30 feet below the gear, so there was probably some slack due to the route-wander and there was about 110 feet of rope out to stretch. (Tom says the first impact was on my back/backpack on a ledge, but I'm quite certain that's was a second-bounce ... he was focusing on a .10+ lead and not looking at me untill I'd screamed on the way down.) I actually fell inside the loop of the black rope.

I self-assessed, knew that my hip was gonna be painful for awhile but that nothing was broken and I was ok if very shaky. I pulled over to a cam behind a flake, clipped into that, assurred people I was OK and worked out how to get down. I untied the Green line, which was wrapped around Black, re-tied and asked Jess to lower me off as I cleaned the gear on the lower 2/3 of the pitch. The left hip was clearly too painful to climb back up to retreive the intermediate pieces, Tom offered to get the gear on their rappel, and was able to get everything but the Camalot at the top -- free to me, found on WG last year, so that's fine. On the subject of gear, nothing pulled, while I was pretty sketched by the route, the placements were all bomber.

I was really shaky after getting off the route, I've been sketched often enough but this fall was the first time on rock I've been terrified, there was a moment of tears before getting back to the business of getting off."

Terrified only begins to describe what it feels like to watch your partner plummet off and smack soundly into the rock, knowing that you've got him loacked of, but that there is enough rope out that you can't actually stop the fall any sooner than the laws of physics allow.

This wasn't one of those whooping sport whips that are more of a thrill than a danger. This was the kind of fall that has the potential for serious consequences, and even though once you get down and recover you'll recount the story to all your buddies, you still know that flash of genuine terror that screams, I COULD HAVE DIED.

Or in my case, I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.

That's the part that really keeps my insides churning; the knowledge that had I for a split second looked away, or let my attention lapse I could have let someone fall to their death. I didn't, of course, but that's the reality of this sport, that it's really and truly dangerous and despite all the precautions you take and the safety measures you employ, at the end of the day, it's still a risky sport.

But we're climbers; it's what we do.

In other news, I had breakfast with Boulder today. He's off the AT nursing a broken foot and came down to Worcester this weekend. We met at Annie's and had a nice time drinking coffee and eating hash like we used to before he gave "real life" the big middle finger and became a full time hiker. It was great seeing him again and he looks great, and seems really happy despite the Robocop looking cast on his foot. He still hopes to finish the trail before winter. But first there is french toast to be eaten and old friends to catch up with.

Thirteen Historical Events/Personalities that I am Strangely Obsessed With

1. The Hindenburg Disaster, May 6, 1937. I have a recurring nightmare that I am a passenger aboard the ill-fated dirigible. You can see a video clip of the crash here.

2. The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire, March 12, 1911. I saw a TERRIBLE movie about it once, that, although terrible, was really scary. And also sad.

3. Coconut Grove Nightclub Fire, November 28, 1942. Occured in Boston. The first time I heard the story, from an elementary school teacher I think, I was immediately fascinated and horrified. Apparently I have a thing about fires.

4. The Donner Party, Winter 1846-1847. I am also obsessed with and repulsed by cannibalism. There is a PBS docu. on the DP that FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT when I saw it. I thought it was easily the creepiest historical documentary ever.

5. 1996 Everest Expedition- I've read all the accounts I can get my hands on, Krakauer, Boukreev, Bershears, and Lene Gammelgaard, and am continually fascinated. Of course, you might say, I like climbing, so obviously I'd be into Everest. Except that I have NO DESIRE to go anywhere near Everest. It just seems like the most miserable experience ever. No thanks.

6. Queen Mary I- "Bloody Mary" the daughter of Catherine of Aragon and Henry VIII was totally cheated out of the throne and when she finally became queen she promptly had hundreds of people burned at the stake. You know, to restore the Catholic Church.

7. Henry VIII- Yes, I have to put him up here too. Bust mostly because he went crazy with that whole Anne Boleyn et. al thing and became paranoid and grossly fat. So fat that his bed was 4 meters wide and required a pulley system to get him in and out of it.

8. In speaking of fat leaders,William Howard Taft was America's fattest president. Apparently he got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to have a bigger one installed. Regardless of weight, Taft is my favorite president.

9. Frank Morris and John & Clarence Anglin- The attempted to escape from Alcatraz on JUne 12, 1962 and their bodies were never recovered. The FBI lists them as "missing, presumed dead". I have to say that Alcatraz is one of the creepiest places I've been to. And almost entirely covered in bird shit.

10. The Rosenberg Executions, June 19, 1953- The idea of death by electrocution totally creeps me out.

11. Herman Melville's letters to Nathanial Hawthorne c. 1851- There is a whole collection of letters that Melville wrote to Hawthorne, but for some reason, there are no surviving letters from Hawthorne to Melville. His letters always made me feel as though Hawthorne was the popular kid and Melville was constantly bugging him to be friends. Or maybe he had a wee crush on Hawthorne. Anyway, I have a soft spot for old Herman. And his beard.

12. The Mayans- And their obsession with time, and the Dresden Codex, and especially the theory that they predicted the end of the world for December 21, 2012. Only 6 more years. I better get busy.

13. The Salem Witch Trials- Teenage girls are SO EVIL. Of course, I can't exactly blame people for becoming hysterical. I mean, what the hell else was going on in Salem in 1692? Stupid Puritans.


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!



View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Progress

I have graduated from mashed potatoes to tater tots.

Invasion of the Schooligan Snatchers

I never thought I would say this but... I think I'm sick of ice cream.

Morgan brought me home a new vanilla Frosty from Wendy's yesterday to help soothe my sore mouth. It was delicious. And about the only thing I could eat, what with the hurt and the not being able to open my mouth wider than required to insert the tip of a spoon. Later that night I went out to get some edibles that didn't require chewing, applesauce, pudding and Jello Pudding Pops.

I ended up rejecting the applesauce (bits of apple that required chewing) and the pudding (for some dumbass reason, I got rice pudding, forgetting that bits of rice would be magnetically drawn to the gaping holes in my mouth) and trying to make dinner of of pudding pops. Pudding pops that didn't quite fit in my mouth because I couldn't open it more than a millimeter.

Hopelessly unsatisfying.

Today, feeling a bit better, and with the left side of my face looking much more normal and pain that was bearable with 3 tylenol every 4 hours, I branched out and tried to eat things that were a little more solid. Like instant mashed potaoes. With melted cheese.

Currently I feel a bit starchy. But as far as I can tell, there's no food stuck in my tooth holes.

I'd rather have teeth pulled

I had a dentist appointment this week. I had prepared by flossing EVERY DAY... for the week preceeding my visit. Years ago I had gotten 2 of my wisdom teeth out as part of a clinical study. I got an experimental pain medicine and $300. I was a lot better off than the kid who got the placebo. Anyway, I only got 2 teeth out because they were only extracting impacted wisdom teeth, and my other 2 were fully erupted. (Too bad because then I would have gotten another $300.) Since then I've not really thought about them too much, mostly because of my lack of insurance. Until Wednesday when I learned it was time for the other 2 to come out.

Post op: Oh my god. Let's just say that Dr. Chen is a very kind man. Despite weilding all manner of horrid objects and assaulting my poor mouth.

Honestly, I don't remember the other 2 teeth being this bad. Of course, $300 probably clouds my memory somewhat. This time I had to pay money, $95 in fact, which seemed like a bargain at the time.

Apparently I am a very sensitive indivdual, as evidence by the multitude of shots required to numb my mouth. Dr. Chen said that it also contains a small amount of epinephrine, which was probably why I sweated through my clothes and twitched while my heart raced. Then I felt nausesous. Then the Dr. began digging and prying around in my mouth, stopping several times to get more terrifying instruments and to shoot more anesthetic into me.

Why have we progressed so far in other areas of medicine, yet dentistry is still performed in a civil war like fashion? I don't know that there is anything worse than the sound of creaking and breaking teeth. Dr. Chen assured me it had nothing to do with my teeth and was just the sound of the instruments, but as far as I'm concerned, my teeth were screaming.

It took ages for the friggin teeth to come out. Seriously, for-fucking-ever. But after about 30 years, we were done. And now, all I can think about is how hungry I am and all the things that I can't eat because I can't open my mouth because the left side of my face is swollen.

But at least I don't have to go to work.

I don't even know why I'm surprised by this

I was reading some articles for work about Mercury Polution and reduction required by power plants, and came across the Bush Administration's Mercury Rule of 2005 which aims to reduce Mercury emissions substantially by 2010. However, the law allows utilities to either lower their Mercury emissions OR purchase credits from other plants that have made more drastic cuts. This system is the cheapest and fastest way to reduce Mercury emissions... without actually doing any widespread reducing.

The Time of Year Where I'm Cruel to Be Kind

I took Underfoot to the groomer to get her yearly haircut, and to strip her completely of dignity. I swear, everytime I do this she comes back looking even more ridiculous than the last time. And also 66% smaller. But honestly, look at that tail! I am a bad bad person.



Ninja agrees with me.

The Thing I Really Hate About PMS

Is how it convinces me that it's ok to eat a Twix bar AND THEN go and get an Italian Chicken sandwich from Burger King. Oh, and the headaches.

My job has been annoying me so much lately. Specifically, the guy who mumbles and doesn't finish his sentences and then somehow expects me to know what the hell he wants. (Sidenote: I usually DO know what he wants, or hope that he forgets about whatever it was he asked me, which happens pretty frequently. Thank god.)

Last night I played a game of Pictionary where I was supposed to draw JIMMY CARTER. How the hell does one draw Jimmy Carter?

Thursday 13

13 Things I Will Never Stop Eating Even Though They Are NOT Good For Me

1. Cheeseburgers

2. French Fries

3. Onion Rings, especially beer batter.

4. Ice Cream, especially with candy pieces mixed in.

5. Peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. Hey, it's my state sandwich!

6. Chinese take-out. Oh General Gau, how you seduce me.

7. Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich. Why is it not available ALL THE TIME? (Although, I should have my heart and thighs send a thank you note for that.)

8. Snickers bars. They really do satisfy me.

9. Nachos. Especially the one chip that has ALL THE CHEESE on it.

10. Diet Coke. No, I don't care that it's poison.

11. Pie. All varieties. Especially when the crust is made of lard.

12. Cookies. Especially the M&M ones from Shaw's.

13. Swedish Fish. Oh Lord.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Everyday is like survival; you're my lover not my rival

Under the files of it's officially too hot is: TODAY.

Although I have to say that last night's decision to put in the air conditioner was, in fact, a sound one. I woke up to Ninja curled up around my feet instead of flopped liquidly on the kitchen floor.

I spent the majority reading this insane blog that I somehow stumbled across. Crazy to the Maxx. This woman is ENRAGED because she sometimes gets overcharged FOUR CENTS and doesn't get anything for FREE. And only an "I'm sorry." Also, she has a very detailed list of rules for how she expects to be served at a bar, like not talking to another cutomer while making her White Russian. I couldn't stop reading. I still can't. FOUR CENTS!!!

My life is a series of illegal left turns

Often on Mass Ave. in Boston.

This weekend Mike H., (I have to specify as there are about 345832782 Mikes in my social circle) Ben and I went climbing. Or rather we tried to climb and instead got disgustingly hot and ravaged by mosquitos for a few hours before going to the beach. We ended up in Manchester-by-the-Sea, (I can't stop saying that out loud) where we found free parking and managed to sneak onto the beach undetected and thereby avoiding the $5 admission fee. Stealthy and cheap! Or more accurately, we just walked by the attendant who looked at us quizzically for a second before returning his attention to the people who were paying.

It was blazingly hot. So hot that we almost melted before we could dive headfirst into the ocean, which was about 8 degrees. But oh so refreshing. We slathered on some of Ben's "factor 50" which prevented me from getting a terrible sunburn, and had I reapplied it, would have prevented me from getting a minor sunburn as well, and spent the afternoon lazing about and talking about nothing with some of Ben's co-workers (one of whom is another Mike and who we used to climb with when he climbed; he is curently either retired or on sabbatical, tbd.) and snacking. It was such a lovely afternoon I forgot all about the mosquito bites and sweaty attempts at climbing. Success!

I have been spending a good amount of time at the beach lately. I was at the Cape last week with my family for the annual Family Fish Fry and Hearts For Blood Card Tournament. Morgan and I also fulfilled a longstanding dream to have tea at the Dunbar Tea House. It was everything we had hoped for: finger sandwiches, scones, tea cozies and bitchy women of a certain age. Luckily for us, Morgan had recently watched a show on the Travel Channel on how to have tea and not appear gauche, so we knew to eat from the bottom up on, take small bites and save the chocolate for last. I enjoyed some really lovely aged Stilton and slathered everything in strawberry jam. Mmmmmm. Sticky.

Back. And as lame as ever.

Life Experiences Meme

Bold the ones you've done..

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (When haven't I done this?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing (I know, can you believe it?)
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (Hell no!)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents (actually, Mom was cremated...)
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children.
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (Not the whole thing...)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read. (Uh, yeah. All the time.)
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions (But I don't seem to have any.)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life (If you count stopping Emily from getting hit by a cab, then yes.)

Thursday 13

13 Things That Kept Me From Sleeping Last Night

1. It was too hot.
2. The fan was too “blowy”.
3. The fan was too LOUD.
4. Woke up suddenly to (possibly imagined) smell of electrical burning. Unplugged fan, cell phone charger, lamp and laptop.
5. Remembered that had left laptop on floor and worried that would wake up and step on it. Moved laptop to table.
6. Cats using bed as a springboard to get to the window.
7. Then fighting about it.
8. Horrifyingly real nightmare that went out to get into car and car had developed SEVERE rust literally overnight.
9. PMS headache that refused to respond to pain relievers.
10. Getting up to pee.
11. Cats using pee break as excuse to start demanding breakfast at 4 am
12. And 4.10, 4.12, 4.20, 4.30, 4.45, 4.46, 4.48, and 5
13. Cats demanding post-breakfast snuggle and suffocating me in fur.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!




View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Dinner in the diner, nothing could be finer

I read this funny interview with Anthony Bourdain today on Salon. You should totally read it. He totally rags on vegans and Rachel Ray (whom I don't really have any beef with except for the fact that she thinks every bit of food she puts in her mouth is AMAZING.) Anyway, here are some of my favorite highlights:

Will we see you in a year saying, "Oh, I had drinks with Rachael Ray, and actually, she's all right"?
Yeah, right. "After the hot-tub incident, I've changed my mind." You know, listen, like I said, I could be wrong. Unlikely. But maybe she's nice to puppies.
Sure, sure -- you haven't seen her kicking any old people lately.
Actually, that would be cool. If I ever saw her getting trashed on Old Crow, pistol-whipping a vegan after a bar crawl, I would think, "That's an interesting woman. I would like to know her."

To quote Gargamel: Hey, he's talking about you.

In speaking of the SV, we had the most inane (and to my mind, HILLARIOUS) conversation today on G-talk:

me: blah blah MAGIC BUS
pt: magic bus?
me: MAGIC BUS
try yelling it
MAGIC BUS
pt: MAGIC BUS
me: hshahahahahaha
pt: ok who is this...what did you do with jess ;)
me: TOO MUCH MAGIC BUS
http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/w/whothe7653/magicbus274332.html
pt: why are we screamin magic bus?
me: cause its funny
i dont know
pt: ok.
me: MAGIC BUS
pt: MAGIC BUS
me: hahahaha
suck suck MAGIC BUS

Seriously, I've had that damn tune stuck in my head all day, even right now I am typing and mentally putting magic bus strategically in every sentence.

But you know, that's the beauty of the affected brain, bizarre internal soundtracks. I also can't stop thinking about Chattanooga Choo Choo (Track 29!) and "there's a grasshopper sitting on a sweet potato vine"

I have a secret. I have been trying to get into running, which I have always felt was an unnatural act unless from zombies or to the bathroom. At any rate, after a week and a half of feeling like I was about to drop dead after putting my sneakers on, I finally got to the point where a mile was only sort of awful. Then one day, I did 2 miles without even thinking about it, due entirely to the treadmills at the gym being equipped with INDIVIDUAL TELEVISIONS. I mean, my enjoyment of COPS is not in anyway diminished by having to run in order to watch it. Actually, now that I think about it, running while watching COPS is almost like being on COPS. All I would have to do is throw a crack pipe into the bushes as I jogged past.

Let me be clear here: I do not enjoy running. I don't get a "runner's high" or any shit like that. However, I don't hate it quite as much as I used to, due again, to TV and having purchased a new pair of shoes that don't make me feel as though my leg bones were being jammed into my foot every time I took a step. I also don't intend to do any serious distances (there's a 30 minute limit on the treadmills and I'm not that fast).

Running outside is ok too. Especially in my neighborhood, which again, is like watching COPS.

The Go To Hell Room Gets Redemption

This weekend the big project was filling a dumpster with all the crap left over from the previous tenants (who moved out over a year ago, btw). After about a zillion trips up and down stairs we had my 2 porches and the attic cleaned out. And a very full dumpster.

My dad was nice enough to help me fix the ceiling in the room off the kitchen formerly called the "Go to Hell Room" (where I dumped all the crap I didn't want to deal with. ever.)



The fact that the room had a partailly caved in ceiling made it all the easier to shove stuff in it and forget about it. That and the fact that it had a ceiling fan SHAPED LIKE A BASKETBALL. No, there is no photographic evidence of said fan. It's in the dumpster along with a broken rock tumbler and crooked venetian blinds.

Everytime I touched it, the ceiling just fell apart.



Sigh. (Ceiling repair as a metaphor for life?)

Plan B: We take the plaster board and just cover the entire ceiling so it doesn't crumble into bits onto my head. Except that I can't accurately measure dimensions so we ended up with oddly shaped pieces of board that didn't fit the ceiling.

We did, however, replace the light fixture. SLAM DUNK!

Back to doing what I do best

Getting irritated with the world at large!

Today at work there were moments where I felt dangerously close to losing my shit.

Annoying highlights include:

1. Bitching about not having a certain candy in the (free) communal candy jar (which is on my desk and which I inherited form the person who used to work here and really should just chuck out the window, except they don't open... CRAP!) Now, the way I see it, there are 2 possible solutions here neither of which include complaining to me: a) Don't eat any. or b) GET YOUR OWN FREAKING CANDY becasue then you can get WHATEVER YOU WANT.

2. Repeatedly getting badgered to "follow up" with someone re: an annoying powerpoint presentation (is there any other kind?) when I have already emailed AND left voice mail to the point of stalking. What the fuck do you want me to do? Hunt him down and hold him at gunpoint? Bounty hunters make loads more money than I do, Buddy. FYI.

3. Having the outrageously socially inept newish guy walk by me as I was making a weird face and have him say, "Don't bite your cheek!" Huh? Is this a warning or an order? In neither case is it appropriate or sense-making.

4. Crazy old Italian man (who is definitely going senile, like, as I type this) stands by my desk holding a reference list and mumbles inchoerently in unfinished sentences, but insisting that I do... something... reference... here it is... Jessica. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OTHERWISE I CAN'T HELP YOU. I just shrugged and looked hopeless and he eventually went away.

Thursday 13

13 People from the Past that I Would Like to Have Over For Dinner

1. Mark Twain - He has always been at the top of my list of people I wish I could hang out with. I mean, he's entertaining, witty, and likes to drink whiskey and smoke. Perfect! Also, he lived next dooor to Harriet Beecher Stowe and I bet she was really annoying. MT would have some good dirt.

2. Edgar Allen Poe - Yes, he did have a bit of a drinking problem, but would probably bring some opiates as a hostess gift. Then we could go to a goth club after supper.

3. Rasputin- His name means "debauched" in Russian, so obviously he knows how to have a good time. It be nice, however, if he cleaned himself up a bit before dinner. And we could poison the food and he wouldn't even care.

4. Ben Franklin- Seems like he and Twain would get on well. He'd probably provide some entertaining conversation and I could finally bitch to him about what a BAD IDEA daylight savings is.

5. Laura Ingalls Wilder - You know to get the REAL story of what happened out on the prairie. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that she's kind of dull and maybe a bit of a priss.

6. F. Scott Fitzgerald - (What is it with me inviting over alcoholics? Must remember to put away breakables.) I could do his whole James Joyce "OMG I am so glad to meet you that I could just weep!" bit. Then I could get him to sign all my books while I embarass myself by gushing over him.

7. Johnny Cash - Now, I think this is where I would really embarass myself. I have always been a bit in love with Johnny Cash and I can't see myself not babbling nonsensically about how much I love his music and how it just speaks to me and, wow, that black suit sure is flattering and, oh, would you like another Percoset? Oh shit, I'm sorry, you're in recovery. God, I'm SUCH an asshole...

8. Charles II of Spain - OK, yes, I have a weird fascination with the Habsburgs and their jaw. Apparently Charles was completely batty and weird. And liked to shoot things.

9. Virginia Reed - One of the survivors of the Donner Party debacle. Not sure if it's best to discuss over dinner, but I would like to find out what really happened.

10. Mitch Hedberg - Only the funniest comedian EVER. God, I miss him.

11. Jasper Newton Daniel - aka "Jack" His biography, "Blood and Whiskey" was v. interesting. I would love to drink learn about the history of American whiskey with him.

12. George Mallory- I am dying to know whether he actually got to the top of Everest before Hilary.

13. Khufu - Because we are ALL dying to know how the damn pyramids were built.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!




View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Having Friends on the Inside

Means that I get gems like this HOT OFF THE WIRE!!

¶ BOSTON (AP) _ It's creamy, sweet and it's become a staple of lunch boxes for generations of New England school children.

¶ Now, the beloved Fluffernutter sandwich _ the irresistible combination of marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter, preferably on white bread with a glass of milk handy _ finds itself at the center of a sticky political debate on Beacon Hill.

¶ State Rep. Jarrett Barrios, D-Cambridge fired the first shot, vowing earlier this week to file an amendment limiting schools to serving Fluffernutters just once a week as the main meal of the day.

¶ Barrios decided to take action after his third-grade son Nathaniel was given a peanut butter and Fluff sandwich at the King Open School in Cambridge. Barrios acknowledged that while "it seems a little silly to have an amendment on Fluff" the issue of school nutrition is serious.

¶ Barrios' amendment seemed anything but silly to Democratic state Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein, D-Revere, whose district is near Lynn, home of Durkee-Mower Inc., the local company that has produced the marshmallow concoction for more than 80 years.

¶ The day after Barrios announced his amendment, Reinstein fired off an e-mail announcing her own legislation designating the Fluffernutter the "official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

¶ "I believe we need to preserve the legacy of this local delicacy," Reinstein wrote in the letter to fellow lawmakers. She noted Fluff is free of artificial preservatives or colorings.

¶ In an interview, Reinstein said she felt the need to defend the honor of Fluff, protect the rights of parents, and protect a local company.

¶ "I'm going to fight to the death for Fluff," Reinstein said. "It's out of control. It's ridiculous that with all the things going on in the state and in the world, we're having this conversation. It's insane."

¶ On Tuesday, an aide to Barrios said the senator is not anti-Fluff. He said Barrios plans to sign on as a co-sponsor to Reinstein's bill, although he still believes schools should ration Fluffernutters to one per week.

¶ "He loves Fluff as much as the next legislator," said Barrios aide Colin Durrant.

¶ The wrangling over Fluff is part of a stalled debate over a bill that would limit the sale of junk food in public schools in Massachusetts.

¶ Fluff has a long history in Massachusetts.

¶ The treat was popularized by H. Allen Durkee and Fred L. Mower, both World War I veterans, who cooked up the treat in their kitchen at night and sold it door to door during the day.

¶ Durkee and Mower purchased the recipe for Fluff for $500 from another Massachusetts man, Archibald Query _ who lived in Somerville, part of Barrios' current district _ who also sold it door to door before the war shut down his operations.

¶ The company didn't immediately return a call for comment Tuesday.

¶ Since its invention, legions of New England kids have grown up on Fluffernutters. Parents have used the sandwich as a food of last resort for finicky eaters, sometimes adding banana slices to compliment the protein of the peanut butter.

¶ If Reinstein's bill is approved, the Fluffernutter would join a long list of official foods of Massachusetts including: the corn muffin (official muffin); the baked navy bean (the official bean); and the Boston cream pie (the official dessert or dessert emblem).


I cannot tell you how proud I am to live in the state who's offical sandwich is the Fluffernutter, not to mention the CORN MUFFIN.

Obsessive and Prone to Regret!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability || 10% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical || 10% Artistic |||||| 30% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I might be over being cool

At least as far as climbing is concerned. On Saturday I let Forrest drag me up the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff. Now Cannon is where the cool kids climb, it's regarded as some of the best climbing in the world, if you like that sort of thing.

This was my first trip and even though I'd heard all the stories about the arduous approach and the loose rock and the potential for an epic it didn't come close to preparing me.

The fun started with the hour long hike up to the base of the climb. Straight up, through a field of loose rocks. I had been talking to Forrest about how I have this ridiculous heartrate when I exercise strenuously and he didn't believe that it oculd really be 180 bpm, so he had me wear his heart rate monitor on the approach. Maybe 180 was a slight exaggeration. It was more like 176 or so.



The climb itself is 6 pitches and I made Forrest lead them all because I am a big wuss when it comes to placing gear. (And by "big wuss" I mean, I don't want to die/kill anyone with my ineptitude.) The climbing WAS fun. Harder than I was expecting, but a lot of fun. Look how much fun I'm having!



(Also, look how my helmet makes my head look all weird.)

The fun continued for over 6 hours until we topped out. Then we had to hike back down which was similar to hiking up except it was longer and also raining. I think we gave new meaning to the phrase "Wet to the skin." And also "exhausted" and "hungry". For about 30 out of the 60 minutes of slipping and sliding down a mountain in the rain lugging increasingly heavy gear I actually thought I was in hell. By the time we got to the bottom, I was reduced to shuffling along because I literally could not lift my feet anymore. Clearly the only cure was a huge meal at Emperor Chinese Restaurant. At the height of our delirious descent all I could think about was eating a scallion pancake. And then about how the thought of pitching a tent in the rain and being damp and cold all night was the worst possible end to the day. The more we thought about it, and how it didn't seem possible that we could even climb the next day anyway after getting our asses so thoroughly kicked, the better it seemed to just drive home.

We arrived back in MA around hour 21 of our day (got up at 5 am) and crashed. As I fell into bed I thought, Well, I've done Whitney-G. Now I never have to do it again.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Goals For Summer 2006

1. Learn how to use Photoshop. I know, I know, it's not that hard, but well, I am easily confused.
2. Rent a dumpster to clean out porches, attic, go to hell room, basement, etc.
3. Learn how to swim. For real, not just tread water/doggie paddle.
4. Climb the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff (Forrest? Yeah, that means YOU.)
5. Get rid of all the clothes that I don't wear, yet hang on to for no apparent reason.
6. Have a swingin' cocktail party once the VL is in proper shape.
7. Get a haircut that I will actually take the time to style every so often. (Pony tails and hats do not count)
8. Beat Morgan in tennis.
9. Get a small outdoor grill or hibachi for cookouts.
10. Be more tolerant of the Dog because he has terminal cancer and doesn't mean to vomit everywhere. Probably.
11. Watch The Godfather. No, I have never seen it. Yes, I know that is unacceptable. That's why it's on the list.
12. Lose 10 pounds. I feel like this is always an appropriate goal.
13. Stop being such a neglectful blogger

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Books I Have Read Repeatedly Until They Fell Apart.

1. The Little House on the Prairie Series, especially The Long Winter, Little Town on the Prairie and Farmer Boy.

2. James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, including during my Undergrad Commencement. I don't know what it is about his descriptions of religious ferver that I like so much, but man, are they good!

3. The Adrian Mole Diaries. Before Bridget Jones, Before the Nanny, there was Adrian. Loveable, clueless and British.

4. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe- Fannie Flagg. The movie, although good, was nowhere near as amazing as the book.

5. Florence King's Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady. I have literally gone through 3 copies of this book. And have used it's life lessons on numerous occasions.

6. The Johnny Dixon Mysteries- John Bellairs. As a kid these books scared me senseles. As an "adult" (hahahaha, who am I kidding?) I am amazed at how well written they are and how scholarly and just good. See especially, Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost, The Mummy The Will and the Crypt, and The Trolley to Yesterday.

7. Bridget Jones' Diary- Helen Fielding. Very few books are ligitimately and consistantly "laugh out loud" funny. This one is. The movie is not.

8. The Devil Wears Prada- Lauren Weisberger. As a glutton for celebrity gossip and fashion magazines, this book was practically written for me. Though, thankfully, not about me.

9. The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven- Sherman Alexie. Only the saddest, funniest, most brilliant collection of short stories, um, ever. I force just about everyone I meet to read it. The movie adaptation, Smoke Signals, is fucking phenomenal as well. I am a little in love with this guy.

10. Old Bones the Wonder Horse- Mildred Mastin Pace. Yes, I adore kids books about horses. Even the crappy ones. This one, about an unlikely champion, rocks.

11. And on that note, Black Beauty- Anna Sewell.

12. Into Thin Air- Jon Krakauer. Fascinated by Everset even though I have no desire to ever go there.

13. Bastard out of Carolina- Dorothy Allison. I really really love books by Southern women. I think I was southern in a past life.


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Vices

I spent most of the last 2 days feeling like my head was being squashed in a vise. It was the kind of headache that is obnoxiously resistant to Advil. The kind of headache that made me leave work early and go immediately to bed blocking out all light and sound. A headache that made me not enjoy the Cock Out lunch that work threw complete with pulled pork and BBQ chicken. So I declared war on head pain. Any headache that prevents me from enjoying BBQ is so asking for it.

So, I went to pilates even though I felt absolutely terrible. Pilates made me feel somewhat better, in that way that going to the gym always makes me feel better, and somewhat worse in that my neck hurt to the point that every time I moved my head I though (hoped) it would break off and roll away leaving just a spurting neck hole and I would kick it before collapsing into a pool of blood.

The rest of the night wasn't that much better. My headache also made the rest of my body resistant to sleep which SUCKED because when your head feels that awful sleep is the only escape. I retaliated with more ativan than probably necessary, but I wasn't in the mood to fuck around.

I woke up this morning feeling awful, but in a different way. Instead of head crackingly bad, I felt weak, nauseous and not able to see out of my right eye. Not well anyway. Perhaps this had something to do with my choice of clothes, cuffed olive capri pants (Thank you Old Navy for FINALLY making some pants that aren't designed to fit some sort of mutant), a rhinestoned black tank top (think Holocaust benefit) and my chrome colored BCBG open toed heels.

By the end of a particularly harrowing day, I felt somewhat better and was NO CLOSER to completing the stuff for the audit. Not my fault though that documents DON'T EXIST. This thing will never end. I stopped caring weeks ago.

After work, I made my sister come running with me. We went to Spencer State Forest for some "trail running". We got about 30 good minutes in, not including when I slipped off a log and nearly lost my shoe in a swamp.

Fork you!

Last night I made enchiladas for dinner, (Enchiladitos, makes you wanna eat 'em.) It was very nearly a disaster as the enchilada sauce just kept expanding until I had all available pans FULL. In between gin and tonics, I rehydrated chilis and cooked up the ground turkey. G came by just at the point where I was going to throw myself on the floor in a puddle of gin and enchilada sauce. He took charge of the sauce and together we assembled 2 pans of enchiladas.

I have to say that despite the alarming amount of lard in the sauce, they were quite good. I used low fat cheese though, just to get my heart to shut the fuck up about being all clogged and whatever. Such a whiner.

I took some for lunch today and as I was walking back to my desk from the microwave, I decided that I could't wait to actually sit down and eat. So, I took a bite as I was walking. Or rather, I tried to take a bite, but instead stabbed myself in the face.

What's not to love?

The other day my brother Morgan and I were discussing the chemistry of love, (Not to be confused with the power if love, which is a curious thing.) He had read an article in National Geographic about what chemical changes occur in your brain when you fall in love and apparently the in-love brain looks almost identical to the brain of someone who has OCD. Not surprising, really. What was interesting was that statistically, being in love has a shelf life of about 7 years. Hence the itch, I guess.

7 years... still seems kind of long to me. But what do I know? According to NG, people who are on anti-depressants are less likely to fall in love. And I thought it was just cynicism.

In other news, I have taken up tennis.