Obsessive and Prone to Regret!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability || 10% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical || 10% Artistic |||||| 30% Religious |||||| 23% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||| 30% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

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I might be over being cool

At least as far as climbing is concerned. On Saturday I let Forrest drag me up the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff. Now Cannon is where the cool kids climb, it's regarded as some of the best climbing in the world, if you like that sort of thing.

This was my first trip and even though I'd heard all the stories about the arduous approach and the loose rock and the potential for an epic it didn't come close to preparing me.

The fun started with the hour long hike up to the base of the climb. Straight up, through a field of loose rocks. I had been talking to Forrest about how I have this ridiculous heartrate when I exercise strenuously and he didn't believe that it oculd really be 180 bpm, so he had me wear his heart rate monitor on the approach. Maybe 180 was a slight exaggeration. It was more like 176 or so.



The climb itself is 6 pitches and I made Forrest lead them all because I am a big wuss when it comes to placing gear. (And by "big wuss" I mean, I don't want to die/kill anyone with my ineptitude.) The climbing WAS fun. Harder than I was expecting, but a lot of fun. Look how much fun I'm having!



(Also, look how my helmet makes my head look all weird.)

The fun continued for over 6 hours until we topped out. Then we had to hike back down which was similar to hiking up except it was longer and also raining. I think we gave new meaning to the phrase "Wet to the skin." And also "exhausted" and "hungry". For about 30 out of the 60 minutes of slipping and sliding down a mountain in the rain lugging increasingly heavy gear I actually thought I was in hell. By the time we got to the bottom, I was reduced to shuffling along because I literally could not lift my feet anymore. Clearly the only cure was a huge meal at Emperor Chinese Restaurant. At the height of our delirious descent all I could think about was eating a scallion pancake. And then about how the thought of pitching a tent in the rain and being damp and cold all night was the worst possible end to the day. The more we thought about it, and how it didn't seem possible that we could even climb the next day anyway after getting our asses so thoroughly kicked, the better it seemed to just drive home.

We arrived back in MA around hour 21 of our day (got up at 5 am) and crashed. As I fell into bed I thought, Well, I've done Whitney-G. Now I never have to do it again.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Goals For Summer 2006

1. Learn how to use Photoshop. I know, I know, it's not that hard, but well, I am easily confused.
2. Rent a dumpster to clean out porches, attic, go to hell room, basement, etc.
3. Learn how to swim. For real, not just tread water/doggie paddle.
4. Climb the Whitney-Gilman Ridge on Cannon Cliff (Forrest? Yeah, that means YOU.)
5. Get rid of all the clothes that I don't wear, yet hang on to for no apparent reason.
6. Have a swingin' cocktail party once the VL is in proper shape.
7. Get a haircut that I will actually take the time to style every so often. (Pony tails and hats do not count)
8. Beat Morgan in tennis.
9. Get a small outdoor grill or hibachi for cookouts.
10. Be more tolerant of the Dog because he has terminal cancer and doesn't mean to vomit everywhere. Probably.
11. Watch The Godfather. No, I have never seen it. Yes, I know that is unacceptable. That's why it's on the list.
12. Lose 10 pounds. I feel like this is always an appropriate goal.
13. Stop being such a neglectful blogger

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Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Books I Have Read Repeatedly Until They Fell Apart.

1. The Little House on the Prairie Series, especially The Long Winter, Little Town on the Prairie and Farmer Boy.

2. James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, including during my Undergrad Commencement. I don't know what it is about his descriptions of religious ferver that I like so much, but man, are they good!

3. The Adrian Mole Diaries. Before Bridget Jones, Before the Nanny, there was Adrian. Loveable, clueless and British.

4. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe- Fannie Flagg. The movie, although good, was nowhere near as amazing as the book.

5. Florence King's Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady. I have literally gone through 3 copies of this book. And have used it's life lessons on numerous occasions.

6. The Johnny Dixon Mysteries- John Bellairs. As a kid these books scared me senseles. As an "adult" (hahahaha, who am I kidding?) I am amazed at how well written they are and how scholarly and just good. See especially, Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost, The Mummy The Will and the Crypt, and The Trolley to Yesterday.

7. Bridget Jones' Diary- Helen Fielding. Very few books are ligitimately and consistantly "laugh out loud" funny. This one is. The movie is not.

8. The Devil Wears Prada- Lauren Weisberger. As a glutton for celebrity gossip and fashion magazines, this book was practically written for me. Though, thankfully, not about me.

9. The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven- Sherman Alexie. Only the saddest, funniest, most brilliant collection of short stories, um, ever. I force just about everyone I meet to read it. The movie adaptation, Smoke Signals, is fucking phenomenal as well. I am a little in love with this guy.

10. Old Bones the Wonder Horse- Mildred Mastin Pace. Yes, I adore kids books about horses. Even the crappy ones. This one, about an unlikely champion, rocks.

11. And on that note, Black Beauty- Anna Sewell.

12. Into Thin Air- Jon Krakauer. Fascinated by Everset even though I have no desire to ever go there.

13. Bastard out of Carolina- Dorothy Allison. I really really love books by Southern women. I think I was southern in a past life.


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Vices

I spent most of the last 2 days feeling like my head was being squashed in a vise. It was the kind of headache that is obnoxiously resistant to Advil. The kind of headache that made me leave work early and go immediately to bed blocking out all light and sound. A headache that made me not enjoy the Cock Out lunch that work threw complete with pulled pork and BBQ chicken. So I declared war on head pain. Any headache that prevents me from enjoying BBQ is so asking for it.

So, I went to pilates even though I felt absolutely terrible. Pilates made me feel somewhat better, in that way that going to the gym always makes me feel better, and somewhat worse in that my neck hurt to the point that every time I moved my head I though (hoped) it would break off and roll away leaving just a spurting neck hole and I would kick it before collapsing into a pool of blood.

The rest of the night wasn't that much better. My headache also made the rest of my body resistant to sleep which SUCKED because when your head feels that awful sleep is the only escape. I retaliated with more ativan than probably necessary, but I wasn't in the mood to fuck around.

I woke up this morning feeling awful, but in a different way. Instead of head crackingly bad, I felt weak, nauseous and not able to see out of my right eye. Not well anyway. Perhaps this had something to do with my choice of clothes, cuffed olive capri pants (Thank you Old Navy for FINALLY making some pants that aren't designed to fit some sort of mutant), a rhinestoned black tank top (think Holocaust benefit) and my chrome colored BCBG open toed heels.

By the end of a particularly harrowing day, I felt somewhat better and was NO CLOSER to completing the stuff for the audit. Not my fault though that documents DON'T EXIST. This thing will never end. I stopped caring weeks ago.

After work, I made my sister come running with me. We went to Spencer State Forest for some "trail running". We got about 30 good minutes in, not including when I slipped off a log and nearly lost my shoe in a swamp.

Fork you!

Last night I made enchiladas for dinner, (Enchiladitos, makes you wanna eat 'em.) It was very nearly a disaster as the enchilada sauce just kept expanding until I had all available pans FULL. In between gin and tonics, I rehydrated chilis and cooked up the ground turkey. G came by just at the point where I was going to throw myself on the floor in a puddle of gin and enchilada sauce. He took charge of the sauce and together we assembled 2 pans of enchiladas.

I have to say that despite the alarming amount of lard in the sauce, they were quite good. I used low fat cheese though, just to get my heart to shut the fuck up about being all clogged and whatever. Such a whiner.

I took some for lunch today and as I was walking back to my desk from the microwave, I decided that I could't wait to actually sit down and eat. So, I took a bite as I was walking. Or rather, I tried to take a bite, but instead stabbed myself in the face.

What's not to love?

The other day my brother Morgan and I were discussing the chemistry of love, (Not to be confused with the power if love, which is a curious thing.) He had read an article in National Geographic about what chemical changes occur in your brain when you fall in love and apparently the in-love brain looks almost identical to the brain of someone who has OCD. Not surprising, really. What was interesting was that statistically, being in love has a shelf life of about 7 years. Hence the itch, I guess.

7 years... still seems kind of long to me. But what do I know? According to NG, people who are on anti-depressants are less likely to fall in love. And I thought it was just cynicism.

In other news, I have taken up tennis.

Dancing to the ButterBeat

Now a break for the painfully cute Butterstick,


We now return to our regularly scheduled blathering.

I got to thinking today about how everything has been so normal. I mean with me, and life and the day to day. It's been so normal that I've stopped thinking that it was weird. So normal that I am going to go right ahead and say it and not worry about waking the sleeping robot: The Drugs Are Working.

It's about time, right?

Yeah, I think so too.

One tick, two tick, ick ick

I must say that the holiday weekend was a success! I went climbing and managed to lead a couple of trad routes without losing my shit completely. Yes, they were only 5.6, but they were wet. That's got to count for something. Oh and we ate at the Chinese place in Lincoln that has the General Gau's tofu that is so totally amazing that I am drooling right now at the thought of it.

Sadly, on the way home Sunday evening, we witnessed the aftermath of this accident. Which I can't stop thinking about. I am terrified of car accidents and bad drivers in general, and seeing the charred remains of a wreck like that one and stretchers and emergency vehicles all over the road gives me nightmares. And knowing that 2 kids lost their parents in the accident just makes me feel sick inside.

Inexplicably, my sister found 2 ticks on her today. I need to get her a flea collar or something.

Shake. And Bake.

Tonight is the season finale of Top Chef so to celebrate, G and I made a gourmet dinner. Shake and Bake pork chops, crescent rolls and mixed veggies. We stopped short of instant mashed potatoes however. (baked. mmmm.) Wicked good, yo.

Last night, I attended my brother's National Honor Society Induction. I brought along the latest Mountain Gear catalog so I would have something to keep me from clawing my eyes out in boredom. My sister and I played that game where you point to random ugly things and say, "You have to wear that!" (A variation on the "That's your boyfriend" game.) We happened upon these pants and immediately cracked up. For the rest of the night everything was followed by "with crotch zip." Yes, I am a mature adult! Oh, and when someone's cell phone went off and played "The Entertainer" during a moment of silence, I totally did not cause a scene by busting out laughing. And I didn't blame my sister either.

The Upside to Hiking in the Rain

Once again, I dragged my sister on one of my hair-brained misadventures. In my defense, however, it was sunny when we left. Once we got to Williamsburg, it was decidedly overcast and threatening rain.

I had picked this particular hike because it included a Fire Tower which we hoped would be like the one in the worst movie ever. Of course we didn't actually want to be pursued by "cannibalistic mountain men grossly disfigured through generations of in-breeding" but it did make the hike more exciting. Oh wait, that was the rain storm.

We were probably 2 miles from the car when it started raining. Hard. And since it was perfectly sunny when we left home this morning I had neglected to bring my rain jacket.

Before it really started coming down, we had the good fortune to see some newts on the trail. Or salamanders. I don't pretend to know the difference, but let's be honest here, NEWT is a much funner word to say. Newt!

Eventually, we made it back to the car and it promptly stopped raining and the sun came out.

I took my sister to Bub's where I introduced her to the awesomeness that is Bar-B-Que. Oh man. If there's anything better than a pulled pork sandwich and a juke box with unlimited free plays after being rained on for an hour, I don't know what it is.

A Schooligan CAN Change

I used to hate avocado. I was told that it was only because I had never had a good one. I kept trying them and kept hating them until a recent trip to California when I learned what all the fuss was about.

Now I get it. And I will admit that I was wrong. Avocados are awesome. I made some amazing guacamole tonight. My brother, who also hates avocados, tried it and was converted.

Absinthe You've Been Gone

Yesterday, my sister excitedly dragged me into the kitchen, "Hey weiner, Look!" And there they were. The official biscuits of Schooligan Nation. My dad had purchased them, and upon his return from the store, my sister eagerly pounced on the box "PENNY FARTHING COOKIES!!" My father was rightly impressed by Annie's knowledge of obscure transportation and asked how she knew what they were. She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Dad, I know my antique bicycles."

Long night at the climbing gym. A bunch of people, some annoying, some self sufficient, kept me there until late, but didn't allow me to actually do any climbing myself. I mean, except for the pathetic traverses around the gym where I fell off every five seconds. I did, however, manage to finish setting my route, inspired by this video.



They MUST have been tripping.

P.S. I am in no way related to the boy in the black wife beater.

Confessions from the Top Secret Schooligan Files

I just finished a bowl of Edy's French Silk Ice Cream. (Am huge fan of the reduced fat ice cream. 1/2 the fat of regular ice cream = I can eat 2x as much!) For some reason, I am always suckered into this flavor. I don't know why. I don't even know what French Silk is. That's right, I have no idea what it is or why I even get it. Apparently I am not alone, as I googled "French Silk" and got about 1000 different recipes for pie.

In other ice cream news, my sister and I were at Dairy Queen the other week and got 2 Blizzards, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. We were totally disappointed to find that they had "Hardly any candy pieces in them." I mean, seriously, why get ice cream with yummy stuff blended in if there isn't any yummy stuff?

My sister emailed DQ headquarters and complained. Yesterday, she got a letter from Dairy Queen International apologizing for the Blizzards not living up to the quality standards we have come to expect from Dairy Queen's independently owned franchises. They included $7 worth of gift certificates and promised to launch an ivestigation into the Blizzard making at our local DQ.

Thank goodness! I would hate to see other people suffer the cruelty of Blizzards with "hardly any candy pieces in them."

Schooligan Nation: More complete from Bear to Zzzzz

Despite there being a Texas Ranch House marathon on the TV, Emily and I headed up to Mount Monadnock for an afternoon hike (Or as Timmycliff put it, an approach without a climb.) It was a bit of a slog for me due in no part to my Margarita consumption the night before. We sumitted and crouched down behind a boulder to much some clif bars and blueberry poptarts and get out of the wind.

The trip down was... uneventful. Until we were about 2/3 the way back to the car and rounded a bend and came upon a BEAR hanging out on the side of the trail. We stopped short and simultaneously had this reaction:
"Oh cool. It's a bear."
"OHMYGOD it's a BEAR!!!"

Lucky for us, Mr. Fuzzy Ears wasn't having a bad day or a sudden desire to maul. We looked at each other for half a minute and then he turned around and ambled away.

I just want to thank the Duggar Family for being so crazy. If it weren't for your 16 kids we might not have been talking animatedly and alerting the BEAR to our presence and instead surprised him and gotten ourselves mauled. You saved our lives.

Not having beat my body up quite enough, I went up to Rumney on Saturday with Rob adn Alissa. It was a perfect day for climbing and I was enjoying myself so much that I allowed Rob to convince me to get on this ridiculously vicious 5.10d at Triple Corners. Actually it was more like, "Oh, your gear is at the top, so if you want it back..." I fall for this every time. Those Schooligans, they just don't learn.

I managed to completely mangle my hands jamming a crack over and over and over while failing to do the crux move. You'd think I'd remember to tape up. (See above, re: not learning.) I eventually finished the route and retrieved my gear but not before starring in "Hang Fest 2006." Oy.

So, I haven't been sleeping very well. Or very much. I'm not sure why as I am not feeling bad or anxious in any other way. (I mean other than the usual, "Cat, you did NOT just knock over those flowers and spill water all over my bank statement!") I just couldn't seem to fall asleep and wake up rested. No matter what. So I went to see my doc on Monday. She gave me some Ambien in the hopes that it would help reset my sleep timer. She also made me promise to call her if had any concerns. Or, you know, drove my car into a tree or something. So far, so good.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things That Will NEVER Get Old

1. Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer"
2. Cereal Bawks
3. Blueberry Frosted PopTarts
4. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. (Best on a cold day, but good pretty much any time.)
5. The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4
6. Chinese Take Out (I think there have only been 2 occasions in my life when I didn't want any, and at least one of those was immediately following a dumpling orgy.)
7. Gin and Tonics (Especially drunk while lounging on the sofa in my underwear on a hot day. I am still PISSED that I left the bottle of Tanqueray in the freezer of my old apartment.)
8. Snuggling with the wee kitty zizzer snoozle pantses.
9. Climbing (duh.)
10. Napping in the middle of the day (Bonus points if on beach)
11. Hillarious (slash "drunk") home videos (bonus points if people fall in a humourous manner.)
12. Mechanical bulls
13. Leaving work early. (heh.)



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I don't begrudge you moving to the West Coast

But it doesn't mean I'm not gonna miss you like hell.

My friend Mikey had a going away BBQ this weekend. Fucker got himself a better paying job in a better climate in the same state as his girlfriend, AND TOOK IT!! Despite getting to catch up with some long lost climbing buddies (this means you, Graham and Ben) and meeting some new ones, the whole event was overall just v. sad. But like they say in Whistle Stop, "A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same." Or, "I have yet another reason to visit California."



On Sunday, I declared it "Lazy Sunday" and had PT make me cornbread (yum, thanks!) while I watched the Phantom Gourmet. Well, at least until the Phantom was over, then I declared "Sunday where we drive around the backroads of Sturbridge looking for a Holiday Inn that is really a Best Western and then go hiking in Tick Country." My sister and I had a lovely hike through Wells State Park where we saw beaver dams, tadpoles and an unattended baby. (That was later attended to, thank goodness.)

We hiked an awesome trail up to the top of a rocky ridge where we stood and surveyed the landscape and wondered if the updraft was strong enough to keep us from falling off. (We didn't get close enough to the edge to find out.) As we were about ready to head down, I SENSED something. My tick sense told me to check my sock. Sure enough, one of the little bastards was trying to burrow his way through my SmartWool. We flicked him away and took off running back to the car, glancing occasionally over our shoulders to see if he was gonna catch up to us on his mountain bike. (Hahahha. NOPE! Victory!)

Fun Fact for Yesterday

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons My Birthday ROCKED This Year (In no particular order)

1. Ems coming all the way from BROOKLYN to have dinner with me.
2. Getting not one but TWO bouquets of flowers from that special someone.
3. Pho Dakao living up to all the hype. I mean, MY hype. I've always thought it was awesome, I'm glad others agree with me.
4. PT "fixing" my cake so it wasn't lopsided. (Dammit! Why didn't I get a picture to show Rob?)
5. DKNY's "Be Delicious". Morgan, you are AWESOME!
6. Master Shake
7. Woodford FUCKING Reserve, thank you Jack! This bourbon is only available to gods and higher order Cherubim, which is why I have never perchased it. Good thing my friends have fewer black marks on their souls than I do.
8. Everyone being kind to my cake mishap (although doused with liquor, it was quite good, quite good)
9. I don't really feel any older. (Despite teetering on the edge of 30. Ok, not teetering so much as seeing 30 looming on the horizon and laughing maniacally.)
10. Fitting into my "skinny jeans" despite eating and drinking like I was at a bacchanalia for the previous week.
11. Handmade mullet card. (Is there any better way to show that you care?)
12. My coworkers giving me a pound of chocolates.
13. Being with the people I love and who love me despite all of my neurosis. Usually.

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The proper response to the beginning of another year

Wine Tasting. In Sonoma.

I spent last weekend in California visiting some old friends. In addition to wine tasting, there was also climbing.
I mean climbing.

THe climbing was a lot of fun, despite having climbed like, oh, ONCE since the end of winter (Which, in my defense was only like 10 minutes ago), I still managed to haul my atrophied ass up a 5.9 hand crack. I also managed to bruise and scrape just about my entire body. Just in time to go with Sara to a black tie fund raising Gala on Saturday! I managed to (mostly) conceal the battleground of climbing injuries with a lovely pink wrap and too many cocktails while skulking in the shadows of very rich people.

My birthday present to all of you.

The Schooligan Knows Her Assholes

Check it out!

I won 2nd Place!

Dyngus Day

Perhaps even more awesome than having 2 kinds of pork before 11 am (ham and kielbasa) is the fact the tomorrow youngsters of Polish and Hungarian descent get to dump water on each other. Since my family has become increasingly more Polish over the years, I am looking forward to getting drenched and switched by eligible young men.

One thing that was a bit disappointing about this Easter (although, I must say, it was preferable to being stuck in the Las Vegas airport after having missed my flight home like I did last year) was not being able to locate my mom's Babka recipe. Well, that and losing to my cousin in the highly competitive Easter Egg Smash (you hit the point of your egg against the point of someone else's and see who's egg remains intact). But one would think that a trditional family recipe would be easier to locate than, say, one for TERYAKI ICE CREAM.

My weekend, overall, was pretty productive. I found the game Operation (Where you're the doctor!) at a thrift store for $1.99 and combined with a 12 pack of Tecate made for a hillarious and stressful time. For real, that game is so fucking nerve wracking. I don't know anything more stressful than trying to remove a funny bone without causing Cavity Sam to buzz with the sound of your failure.
Honestly, my sister and I freak the fuck out every single time we play. It's hillarious. Even better are the "sudden movement of the playing surface" psych-out techniques that we frequently employ.
I also had my first taste of ice cream in 40 days today. Heavenly. Even though I was not able to descend upon the local Dairy Queen and slather my body in Blizzards, I did make brownies and then pile on ice cream, caramel sauce, banana, whipped cream and a cherry!

In speaking of caramel sauce, apparently my father had a run in with some ice cream toppings yesterday when he crashed his shopping cart into a display at the supermarket and sen hot fudge flying everywhere. As my sister gasped out the details of the story while practically incapacitating the both of us with laughter I chastised her for not whipping her cell phone out and recording the event.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Songs I Am Totally DiggingRight Now!

1. Hips Don't Lie-Shakira (I think she is so sexy, and it doesn't even matter that she is only like 4 feet tall. This song will not get out of my head.)
2. Whiskey for My Men (Beer for My Horses)- Toby Keth & Willie Nelson (I'm a sucker for cowboy songs and the phrase, "when the gunsmoke settles...")
3. In the Midnight Hour- Wilson Pickett (It's totally suggestive in the most innocent way.)
4. Hung Up- Madonna (Even though I do not approve of her hair lately, I mean, feathered? COME ON, this song is super danceable and catchy.)
5. Back to Hell-Alkaline Trio (Yes, kind of Emo for my liking, but well, I like it anyway.)
6. Lean Wit It (Rock Wit It)- Franchize Boyz (Ok, possibly the dumbest song ever, but for some reason, whenever I hear it I can't seem to stop leanin' wit it and rockin' wit it.)
7. Rompe - Daddy Yankee (I have no idea what he is singing about or why I am so fascinated, but he can totally be my Daddy. I dare you to listen to this song and not feel equal parts annoyed and entranced.)
8. Kerosene- Miranda Lambert (Love songs about vengeful ex-girlfriends. And pyromania. Can you say "Empowerment"?)
9. Travelin' Thru- Dolly Pardon (No, I have not seen the movie, but I totally want to. And Dolly is still awesome, if slightly plastic looking.)
10. I Shoulda Been A Cowboy- Toby Keith (This song makes me sad and nostalgic, but's it's so true I should have been a cowboy!)
11. Blue Mountain Hop - Bela Flack (The Bluegrass Sessions is probably one of my favorite albums ever. And everytime I hear this tune, I fall a little bit more in love with Bela Fleck.)
12. It's Tough to Have a Crush- OkGo (It certainly is. Dammit.)
13. Minority- Greenday (I think Warning was their last great album. Honestly I could not see why there was such a fuss about American Idiot because it sucked.)

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I really really really want a donut

And some asshole had to go buy some and send me not one but TWO text messages about it. Only a few more days, baby. And then you are likely to find me lying on the floor bloated with empty Entenmann's boxes strewn about.

Oh, and as a warm up for my birthday (which I am not certain how I want to celebrate. should I have a party? well, should I?) I got a Happy Birthday postcard from none other than CHICKEN OF THE SEA! On the back was a coupon for 25 cents off a can of tuna! WHAT A CRAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! If you can show me a more effective way to prove to someone that you 100% do not care about their birthday, I'd like to see it.

Randomly I applied for a side job exercising Icelandic Horses. How cool would that be? (pretty cool) Unfortunately, I think they need someone during the week when I am, you know, WORKING. Sigh. I sent along my resume anyway, and we shall see...

Uphill Battle

Literally. Last night, in lieu of going to the gym, I decided to go running. For maximum awfulness I decided to run a hilly course, mostly uphill that is. It was soon apparent that I was no Rocky Balboa.

Or maybe I was Rocky in the early days of training when he fell over heaving and gasping on the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum. At least at the end of everything I didn't have to get pummeled by Apollo Creed for 15 rounds. I did however, manage to get in a decent workout as evidenced by soreness in 80% of my body.

After that I figured I was warmed up enough to make scones without injuring myself. Chocolate Cinnmon Scones, I'll have you know. And they are delicious, if only vaguely scone-like.

Satin Bedspread plus Satin Jim Jams Equals Nightmares of Luge

Before I say anything else, let me just say that my night at the rock gym reaffirmed my desire to remain ever childless. One dad and 4 boys under 11 and HOLY SHIT, isn't it passed their bedtime? How about now? Now? Oh, sweet Jesus, please. just. stop. yelling. and. running.

But on to how awesome my friends are...
Last night Forrest had us over to celebrate his 50th birthday. And what better way to celebrate than with single malt (Laphroaig, yesssss!) and some yummy olde wine that he mined from his cellar just for the occasion. The best part? We drank out of glasses USED BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY! Yes, apparently, he stayed at Forrest's mother's house in Idaho and drank (himself not exactly to death) out of the very glasses we were using. Despite the possibility of having some "Papa" in me, I dare say my writing has not improved much. But on the other hand, I don't have any great desire to shoot myself. So, there you go.

Having not learned my lesson with Jack's cheesecake, I went and made Forrest a Boston Cream Pie. It came out ok, except the custard was a bit more like creme brulee than I would have liked... and sort of lumpy. But surrounded by cake it was alright. I allowed that Jesus wouldn't mind of I had a teeny bite, just to see how it all went together. I was not struck down, but am not holding my breath for all of eternity.

Your Ass Got GONGED!

In the spring a Schooligan's thoughts turn to total and utter absurdity.

On Friday, G and I helped Jack celebrate his blank-blank birthday by going out for sushi. I managed to subtley eat more than my fair share of sashimi tuna. G had had the foresight to have a cheeseburger before we went just in case. As we were paying our check, the waitress overheard us saying it was Jack's birthday and she said, "Would you like the Gong?" WOULD WE EVER!

For the next two hours, Jack was temporarily deaf.

Back at the Voodoo Lounge, I proved the perfect hostess buy opening a bottle of bourbon and elating my guests with witty banter and full glasses of Frontier Whiskey, the ultimate in minimalist entertaining.

Is there anything more lady-like than "female trouble"?

According to Mrs Ruding, there is not. Which is why I should have been Venus rising from the fucking gynocological table.

Unfortunately, it is v. hard to appear ladylike and dignified when you are spread open beneath a piece of paper while total strangers examine your girly bits. Especially when they are wielding such tools as a PUNCH and a BRUSH.

The best best BEST part is that I have my period and as the doctor kindly YELLED DOWN THE HALLWAY as I was leaving my appointment, "Remember: Nothing in the Vagina for THREE DAYS!" Dammit. I had a whole list of things I was going to put there. Including, oh, I don't know, TAMPONS? Yes, I got my period a day later and was forced to go out and purchase and then wear A PAD. It has been so long since I have used one of these things (I like my Keeper) that I had no idea what to buy. I got something with wings.

I also have WICKED BAD cramps, which I do not normally have, but am thinking that my body is just punishing me for harassing the cervix (which, Emily is right, does sound like some kind of African antelope) Although after an acupuncture sesssion, I felt much, much better. So I went home, went running, did grocery shopping, made a cheesecake, tidied up, did NOT do laundry, and then curled up to watch "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio". It was good, but I kept thinking about how much my mom would have liked it, and that made me cry and unable to sleep despite the super snoozle powers of not 1 but 2 cats and all the crap TV and sleeping pills I could handle.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I Want For My Birthday (April 26)

1. A HAUNTED PIANO
2. A pastry roller
3. A freaking iPod. An old one, even. I don't even want to 60GB video (although would not refuse one), just a 20GB 4th gen. I'll even take a REFURB!
4. A new comforter for my bed. The one I currently have caught on the bedframe and when I pulled it loose, it tore wide open. Now I sleep wrapped in the stuffing that has oozed out of the wound.
5. D&G Jeans
6. DK "Be Delicious" Perfume
7. Photoshop Lessons (This means you, PETER.) I still can't wrassle my way to a decent finished project and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in WinPaint.
8. This white eyelet skirt from the Gap.
9. Dinner at a steakhouse. Especially a cheesy chain, like PRONGHORN or BUGABOO CREEK. Definitely one that sings happy birthday to me while I sit on a sawhorse with raw meat hanging out of my mouth.
10. A bottle of Bulleit Frontier Bourbon
11. This T-Shirt
12. These Shoes
13. Someone to worship me while I minx about in the above.

What I Really Want For My Birthday

And it's even FREE!

Arianna Huffington

Sometimes brain malfunction can be humourous, like when I keep humming the same tune from Bela Fleck's "Outbound" over and over while searching for pictures of motorized penny-farthings,

Or telling everyone that I'm sorry I missed their birthdays, when I hadn't.

But often it is simply annoying. Like how, for the past 2 weeks have gone to bed and woken up every. single. day. saying "Arianna Huffington".

Friday night, two factions met for parley over pizza to discuss... well, stuff. I chose this quiet little pizza place, Junior's, that I had discovered with Slevy a few weeks ago. The pizza was great, but the atmosphere was loud. We were seated near a table of 4 girls drinking Appletinis (delicious, yes, but you would NEVER catch me ordering one in public) and SHREIKING. It served to unite us in hatred at least.

After dinner (pesto, tomato and roasted red pepper pizza and Fish and chips. Yum.) I begged a stop at the Struck for a wee nightcap, because it's a nice little restaurant with a quiet bar. Except on Friday when they have live music. I choked down a martini while trying to block out the absolute worst version of Del McCoury's "1952 Vincent Black Lightening". A word for bar and restaurant owners, live music is not necessarily a good idea. Especially in an intimate environment.

Even bolting down my drink in record time, I couldn't seem to drink enough to drown out the cacophony so we adjourned to the quietude and free whiskey of the Voodoo Lounge.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Wines* You Should Totally Try Right Now!

1. Terra Unico- I don't know much about this one, except that for being in the 2 for $10 bin it's pretty fucking good. Like, so good you wouldn't guess it were so damn cheap. I usually buy 2 or 3 bottles at a time to keep on hand.

2. Madfish Chardonnay- Hands down one of the best out there. Tingly, crisp (for a chard.), and goes well with EVERYTHING. When I waited tables, I would reccommend this one to any table that would listen, and noone ever disagreed with me. Retails for about $13, and like many Australian wines, is a hell of a bargain.

3. Madfish Shiraz- Not as good as the Chard. but a nice, full, drinkable wine.

4. St. Francis Zinfandel (California)- I once made a gross faux pas by serving this as an accompaniment to a gumbo. It picked up all the spicey, peppery flavors of the gumbo and set everyone on fire. However, served with chocolate cake, it is magnificent with the pepperyness. Resonably priced around $20.

5. Wild Horse Chardonnay (California)- Tied with Madfish as my favorite chard. This one is soft, creamy and decadent tasting. One of the best ways to spend $17. I once gave it as a thank-you gift for borrowing someone's truck to move a sofa and it was a hit.

6. Wild Horse Pinot Noir- Not as good as their chard. but definitely worth trying. I often find that pinots tend to feel weak to me. Like with a little more try they could totally kick ass, but don't. (Yes, I have seen Sideways and I can't understand what all the fuss was about.) This one is a notable exception and the light, fruitiness is just right. (I had this for the first time while camping at Starvation Lake, UT.)

7. Frog's Leap Merlot- Fuck you Sideways for keeping people from ordering California merlot. This is THE BEST I have ever had. It's velvety and smooth and seduces your tastebuds so you feel like you are doing something very naughty. (Oh, wait. That was AFTER I drank it.) I bought my first bottle when I was making about $80 a week working the off season on the ranch, so a $40 bottle of wine WAS an obscene indulgence. But I have never regretted it.

8. Southern Right Sauvignon Blanc- An amazing South African white. Actually, one of the best South African wines period. Clear, sharp (without the pucker factor), citrus flavors create a sexy party in your mouth. I think it's around $12 at max.

9. Taylor Fladgate Tawny Port- I am not a huge fan of Port, or sweet dessert wines in general. Overly sweet alcohol makes me wince and feel like my teeth are rotting out of my head with every sip. I got this as a present for someone who wanted to try Port but didn't know a thing about it. It came as a reccommendation for the Port neophyte, and I can see why. Not overly sweet, and syrupy, but pleasant and made me want a cigar and a smoking jacket. Goes for $20-25 a bottle.

10. Little Penguin (any)- Like a lot of the Australian wines these days, this is inexpensive ($7 or so) and yummy. The shiraz is especially good, but the Cabernet blend is also lovely. This is a wine for someone who doesn't think they like red wine.

11. Erath Pinot Noir- Oregon does well with this one. I had it a few weeks ago at The Struck. A friend and I were sitting in the bar enjoying a quiet, sophisticated evening (ha!). I know the manager over there, and they let me try out... all of their red wines before choosing one**. Gotta say, the Pinot won. Not weak, like other pinots, fruity, not dry, great for sipping while wearing kicky heels. About $16 a bottle.

12. Rancho Zabaco Dry Creek Zinfandel (California)- I used to be all about the Zin. (That's red, not white.) It always seems like a wine to drink to make it look like you know about wine. But seriously, for $17, this is a great drink, especially if you aren't certain you like strong red wine. It's strong and flavorful without biting your tongue off. Punchy. Like me.

13. Wishing Tree Shiraz- Don't let the screw top fool you, this is a pretty nice wine. Another example of a y ummy Austrailian wine for about $11. A little bit of spice, a little bit of fruit. Enjoy with dinner, or alone.

*I don't know what gooseberries after the first frost taste like, and neither do you. So I am using "layman's terms" to describe these.
** They really wanted to sell me on the Malbec. Bleck. All of the Malbecs I have had taste musty and dank. Like, they were dug out of HP Lovecraft's crypt or something.

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Not all things are stupid...

Pilates class tonight was especially awful. My legs morphed into inflexible I-Beams of C-276, which, although corrosion resistant, did not make the exercises easy. Anyway, I muddled through as best I could making only an average ass of myself and not some kind of super ass. (Which, I Do NOT HAVE, by the way. Fuck you pilates and all your lies and all your empty promises...)

Throughout the class we have this special aerobic remix CD on, and then for the "cool down" section, we usually get some sort of "relaxation music" like that Deep Forest song or, FUCKING ENYA. I really hate Enya. I don't know why exactly, but it just seems so... crappy. And new-agey in a way that isn't cool like acupuncture. Anyway, while we were stretching, "Sail Away" was playing, which is the Enya I hate above all other Enya. And because I am a horrible, mean, critical person I was singing in my head "This is gay, this is gay, this is gay." the entire time.

I am still trying to learn photoshop, and when I do, I have some incredible ideas for the Nation. I feel like the Nation has been decidedly lacking in absurdity lately, and I totally need to fix that.

Tilapia: It's the new swordfish

And it's also delicious. I made some tonight with lemon, white wine and butter. (yes, it is my new default seasoning) V. good. And so healthy. So I doused my steamed broccoli in a cheddar cheese veloute. And then I ate 4000 chocolate chip cookies.

Ok, I know we haven't done this in a while, but I got an AWESOME myspace message from Bill. He writes: hey u whats up nm here i was wondering if u would wanna go out on a date sometime if u want

His profile says that he like keg parties and Axel Rose. But nothing about Tilapia. Sigh.

Recipe for...

I was going through some old cookbooks of my mother's and I happened across this little gem. What the fucking fuck? I mean, it doesn't make any sense. Why would this even exist? Who wrote it down? Why would my mother have saved it? Did she think about actually MAKING this? And why does JACK not find it as hysterically intriguing as I do??

Come on, draw me a house!

There goes the neighborhood

I Need to Sanitize

Let it never be said that The Schooligan throws a bad party. Let it also never be said that she doesn't give bourbon credit where credit is due.

The scene: Voodoo Lounge
Schooligan enters stage right

Schooligan: Anyone care for a whiskey sour?

Repeat until incoherent and/or you have consumed an entire block of Brie.

On the plus side, I turned the back room into a guest bedroom. I finally got the thing cleaned up and ready for... the cats to have another place to snooze.

The MiniSchooligan and I ventured out today to give The Bollywood Grill (nee, Chef of India) another chance. It used to be the best Indian restaurant around, but then it closed, got renovated and reopened. It has never been the same since. Now, don't get me wrong, I think that multiple TVs showing Bollywood films add a great touch to ANY establishment, but when the quality of your buffet suffers as a result... well, I can't abide by that.

The 2 times I have been there afer the reopening, I was grossly disappointed with the place. (And by gross, I mean, throwing up in my bathroom) However, because there is virtually no other place to get my pakora fix, I decided to give them one more chance. It turned out ok. They had FISH PAKORAS, which were AMAZING. And the Tandoori Chicken was perfect. Oh, god and the spinach and chick peas... (Must stop before I short out my laptop with drool.) Suffice to say, my faith has been restored.

I feel like my Bollywood experience is some sort of lesson in friendship. You know, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad days, but it doesn't mean they're a bad friend... it just means that maybe you need to give them some time to get their shit together while you try not to talk too much smack about them, but when you finally resolve your issues, you remember exactly why you were friends in the first place: samosas.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Unforgettable Meals I Have Had

1. In college I was visiting my then boyfriend in San Francisco in 1999. We found a really great sushi place in Palo Alto that offered an ALL YOU CAN EAT sushi lunch buffet for $8.95. No, really. It was awesome. We went, like 3 times.

2. Paris, 2002, having dinner with an old friend who was living in France at the time. He took me to this adorable restaurant where I had duck breast with rosemary and honey. Holy shit was that delicious. Probably the best thing I have ever eaten that wasn't chocolate.

3. My first adult dinner party. Gargamel made pad thai and invited me to have dinner with him, his roommate Jones and Mr. and Mrs. Upstairs (their landlord and wife). I have to say this was the best pad thai I have ever had.

4. Lincoln, NH, the end of the 2004 climbing season. 7 of us dirty, ravenous climbers pillaged a Chinese restaurant after a full day of sport climbing. This place serves General Gau's tofu and it is just so. freakin. good. (We also managed to offend just about everyone in the place with our dinner time conversation, but that is another story.) Then we camped out in 6 inches of snow near Cannon Cliff.

5. Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Boston, 2003. I was returning from my cousin's wedding in Scotland. Maybe it was because I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours, but the beef pie they served ON THE PLANE was incredible.

6. A few years ago, my BFF, Emily, had a "Retro Dinner Party" and made, among other things, meatloaf. I have never, ever, ever liked meatloaf. I think it was because my mom couldn't make it to save her life and used like, really lean meat that got all dried out and overcooked. Blech. Anyway, Em's meatloaf was DELICIOUS. It was everything meaty and good in the world. And the gravy... don't even get me started on the gravy, I would drink it for breakfast.

7. On Thanksgiving a few years back, myaunt and uncle deep fried the turkey. They had one of those turkey fryers that occasionally explode and dump scalding oil all over your garage and kill like, 6 people a year or something. I had heard about this from an old redneck boyfriend (Hi, Trey!) and was eager to indulge my passion for anything fried. Yum. Crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Best turkey ever.

8. Winter of aught one, middle of nowhere Colorado, The Good Reverend Carson, myself, and a Brit named Hugh took advantage of a near empty Dude Ranch and had dinner in the Guest Dining Room. (The place was a Mobil 4 star resort and known for it's cuisine.) Grill Bill T., one of the chefs offered to make us ANYTHING WE WANTED, which, after months of crappy staff meals was a dream come true. I had some kind of salmon and the boys had big slabs of steak. The best part were the "Heart Attack Potatoes" made with equal parts potato, cream, butter and cheese. I am getting chest pains just thinking about it.

9. When I waited tables at the Tatyuck, I was on good terms with all the kitchen staff and they were always making me treats of one kind or another. Anyway, one of the cooks, Jose, made this White Chocolate Curry, which sounds gross, but was in fact delicious. I have no idea what we ate it with, but god was it good. Spicey, sweet, creamy... *drool* (Now that I think of it, we probably just guzzled it down from a trough or something)

10. Last night, I cooked a Cornish Hen. It was on sale at the Big Lie for, like 3 bucks, and I thought, hey, why not? (Sidenote: I really like saying "Cornish Hen", it makes me want to laugh. Try it. Cornish. Hen. Wheeee!) I roasted it in the oven with a Lemon Beurre Blanc and a bit of wasabi mustard. WOW! Really nice. Tender, juicey, fattening. (The B.B. uses an entire stick of butter.) Perfect! I also made rice pilaf that was yummy but unexciting.

11. Grasshopper Restaurant in Allston, MA, an Asian-Vegan restaurant. I have to say that their Sweet and Sour "Chicken" is the best ever. I want some right now. Oh. God.

12. Mike Hanson's Peach Pie. I have a thing for peach pie, and I always thought mine was pretty damn good, but Mike's TOTALLY KICKED MY PIE'S ASS. He made the perfect, flakey, tender crust, lovely spiced peaches, attractive lattice top... Yes, I ate enough to make an entire meal of it.

13. Death Burger Feast 2004. Gargamel and I cooked up a batch of the greasiest, yummiest burgers this side of the emergency room for a bunch of friends. We had a myriad of toppings, all of which, including the sauteed veg, were cooked in bacon fat, a fact I "forgot" to mention to my terrible hippie roommate and let her go on and on about how good they were. (Yes, I am a terrible person. Who loves bacon.)

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Friends let friends eat whole bags of Cool Ranch Doritos

This past weekend, my lovely friend Sara flew out from San Francisco. We hadn't seen each other in a while and with all the recent emotional drama, I was looking forward to ranting over several bottles of wine. Which we did. It was all awesome girl power, Bridget Jones, drunken Karaoke and pizza. The only disappointment was going to Vincent's on Saturday night after running my mouth off about how cool and hip the place was and arriving to find the place chock full of aging rockers. [Note: The bar really isn't that big... about the size of a diner, so really, the band could have not amplified quite so much and the people in the back (i.e. 20 feet away) would have heard just fine.] There was, however, the quintessential Worcester experience of trying to explain Manhattans to drunk frat boys and then not actually getting any free drinks for your trouble.

In speaking of Manhattans, I am thinking of having a wee retro cocktail party in the near future and am interested in getting some ideas for appetizers. Also, is there a definite meaning to "cocktail length" when referring to a dress? I seem to see everything from just above the knee to 2 inches above the ankle. That's a bit of a discrepancy.

With all my recent transcribing for Boulder and his AT adventures, I have been neglecting my own blog. But after writing about someone in the act of WALKING 2000 miles, anything I have to say just seems frivolous. LIke how I seem to have a bit of a cold. Went to bed last night feeling icky and woke up feeling ickier. Sore throat, feverish feeling, generalized unpleasantness... On the plus side, I had an acupucnture session today and experienced Moxibustion to help the sickyness. Seriously, is there anything acupuncture CAN'T do?

Thursday 13

Thirteen Highlights in the life of The Schooligan

1. Arriving in Red Rocks, NV and having Charlie (whom I'd spoken with only via email) take one look at me and say, "Are you BrattyPants?"
2. Falling off a horse after jumping, like 2 fences at a horse show and having the EMTs and my teammates come rushing out into the show ring.
3. Doing it AGAIN the very next weekend.
4. Taking part in a pharmaceudical study where I get paid $300 to have 2 of my wisdom teeth extracted so that they could study the effectiveness of a new painkiller.
5. Getting so violently sick from said painkiller that the night nurse feels bad and offers me "something to help the nausea".
6. Learning that it is a suppository.
7. Getting one of the only documented cases of Scarlet Fever since 1883 at age 6 and spending 2 weeks out of school pretending that I am in Little House on the Prairie.
8. Being involved in TWO car accidents in one week (neither or which was my fault).
9. Spraining my ankle on opening night of a play I was in Freshman year of college and having to pretend to tap dance on an ankle the size of a softball.
10. Swimming with stingrays on a trip to Grand Cayman and having one latch on to my back with its mouth and leave a red mark not unlike a gigantic hickey.
11. Rounding up the horses one morning at the ranch and having my horse trip and catapault me to the ground in front of Every. Single. Guest.
12. Being referred to as "the girl who fell off" for the rest of the week.
13. Buying a pewter belt buckle in Laramie, WY that was so heavy it practically pulled my pants down every time I wore it.

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It's tough to have a crush...

I have been trying to teach myself Photoshop. Um... why must they make this program so ridiculously difficult to understand? I mean, all I want is a picture of me tearing down the Berlin Wall. Is that so much to ask Adobe?

In other news, I received an interesting piece of mail the other day. (Even more interesting than the check for $1600 from Carnival Cruise Lines.) A plain white envelope with a return address of Los Angeles arrived for me. I opened it and found an autographed picture of Vince Vaughn! What the hell? Don't get me wrong, VV is a total sexy pants, but why did I randomly get a picture in the mail? I can't help but think that Mr. Vaughn has a secret crush on me and this is his way of letting me know that Jennifer Aniston is getting the BOOT. (Hahahahahaha. I need to stop with the smoking of the crack.)

I take back all the bad things I have said about Television

Because I had no idea that things like THIS were being broadcast. HOLY SHIT! I know where I'll be on Monday March 13 at 11pm.

Yesterday marked the official beginning to Outdoor Climbing Season 2006. Mikey, Rob, Forrest and I went up to Rumney, NH yesterday to soak up the 50 degree sunshine from halfway up the sides of cliffs. It was so amazing and wonderful. I seriously feel like it's been winter FOREVER. To be outside, in a T-shirt and NOT be cold was just incredible.

We started off slowly, warming up on some short easy stuff at the Main Cliff. Then Forrest and I went off to try some two pitch stuff farther on. As usual, the guidebook was ambiguous and we had to choose between scrambling up a muddy, vegetated gully and climbing up to the crux of an adjacent 5.10c and then traversing back over to the moderate 5.7 that we wanted to climb. I gave Forrest the first lead because he seemed more confidant about finding the right route and, let's face it, I'm a bit chicken climbing into the unknown after a slothful winter of sitting around eating bon-bons.

He lead the climb without incident and I followed up while marvelling how he'd been able to place gear without totally losing his shit like I was about to. It was a fun climb nonetheless and after I ungracefully flopped onto the ledge where F. was anchored, I felt just about ready to lead my pitch. I was like, it's bolted, I can see the line, it's only like 5.8, no problem.

I had somehow forgotten that I am completely out of the climbing zone. (See above, re: bon bons) I managed to fall off on the FIRST MOVE after one of my feet slipped. Then I did it, like 2 more times just to make sure I made a total fool of myself. I did finally reach the FIRST BOLT, clipped it and realized I was sweating like a whore in church. Things went ok, until I had clipped 4 bolts and then looked around and couldn't see the anchors anywhere. The guidebook had said it was only 4 bolts to the top, but I couldn't see anything that looked like a place to anchor. I hollered down to Forrest and he said he saw some chains about 30 feet up from where I was. No. That couldn't be right. Could it? I looked up and confronted a HUGE ROOF and an overhung wall. 5.8 my ass! I shouted down that I was going to do some reconnaissance and see if there was something else around because there was no way in hell I was climbing THAT.

Turns out the anchors for our climb were a bit up and to my right following an easy climb up to a large ledge. All I can say is, thank goodness, because I had totally left my cojones at home. I rigged my anchor and belayed Forrest up. We took a few minutes to congratulate ourselves (well, I mostly congratulated Forrest who wasn't a complete baby like myself) and then rigged our rappel. We rapped down without incident, except that Forrest had lost his watch and asked me to look for it on my way down. (We didn't find it.)

We ended the day over at the 5.8 crag where I actually completed Romancing the Stone (5.10c) after goading a young Dartmouth professor into leading it so that I could climb it on TR. Still, I felt somewhat accomplished because my arms were totally jelloid and I flailed significantly less than the last time I attempted that climb. (Not to say that there wasn't any flailing, just LESS flailing.)

So, it seems as though the climbing season has begun and I can look forward to many weekends of dirtbagging, eating mass quantities of food and maybe even some actual climbing. The rest of you can look forward to a Schooligan whose arms are too sore and tired to throw things at you.

My Latest Project

I mean, besides staying sane and not eating donuts.
My friend Boulder is hiking the Appalachian Trail and I have agreed to transcribe his writings onto his blog. So far, and it has been a little over a week since he started, I have received 3 packets of letters. You can read about his adventures here.

Pretty cool.

thursday 13

Thirteen 13 Things The Schooliganis especially proud of these days

1. Having the courage to give up ice cream AND pastry for Lent.
2. Not wavering in this... (yes, it has only been one week...but still...)
3. Making and mostly sticking to a weekly budget (SO. VERY. HARD.)
4. Going to Pilates when I would much rather stay in bed.
5. FINALLY getting around to reading Gone with the Wind.
6. Paying off all my library fines ($22 *gulp*)
7. Not crying, freaking out or throwing things in OVER A WEEK.
8. Remembering that one can use the "Delete" button when checking email instead of automatically hitting "Reply" (see above, re: not freaking out)
9. Dropping a pill in the sink and grabbing it BEFORE it bounced down the drain. TWICE! (Yes, should really stop taking pills over the sink.)
10. Not buying the cute green striped skirt at Old Navy yesterday even though it was a SIZE 2. (In speaking of which, what the hell has happened to sizes at Old Navy? The last time I was a size 2 was... um... NEVER. Not exactly complaining, just wondering.)
11. Keeping my car from turning into a complete trash receptacle. (Of course, have not had first camping/climbing trip yet...)
12. Actually climbing when I work at the climbing gym instead of lounging on the floor with a magazine.
13. Conscious effort to dry my hair post-shower instead of sleeping on it wet and waking up look like Bride of Frankenstein.

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Outlook good?

Even in light of recent changes, I feel like I have been doing remarkably well. It has been ONE WHOLE WEEK since I behaved like a hysterical nitwit! One week! I mean, yes, I have been upset, angry, sad, stressed and anxious, but I haven't hurled a single household object. I think it is probably a combination of drugs that work (waiting for lightening to strike me...) and the knowledge that spring is right around the corner. There is even talk of GOING CLIIMBING OUTSIDE on Saturday. Yes, with promises of temperatures in the 50's it seems like this could be the end of the winter of my discontent.

And it's about damn time.

Narcoleptic blogging

Apparently the Oscars were more intense than I realized because I fell asleep mid-blog last night. Actually, it isn't all that surprising considering I maxed out the deep fryer last night with all manner of greasy treats. I think my heart temporarily gave out.

Post Academy Awards

Damn. Let me just say, huh? What was with all the gold dresses? And dresses that smooshed everyone's breasts in an unflattering way? I don't know that anyone really looked all that great... ok, Uma Thurman looked amazing, but I felt that fashion wise, this year was sort of "meh". I will say that Jennifer Garner almost falling was v. funny. And I am SO GLAD that Reese Witherspoon won the Best Actress award. I think she is totally adorable.

Relationship Advice From Rhett Butler

I'm very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening's over.

Relationship Advice From Scarlett O'Hara

I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

When ranting gets results

Last Thursday I bemoaned the lack of straight leg jeans. The next day, I stopped into the Gap, where I had not been in many a month since I am doing this "don't waste/spend money thing, but figured that since I had a $10 off coupon I could maybe find something on the clearance rack that fit into my budget (i.e. $10). Well, lo and behold:


Jeans! With a straight leg!
Of course they were more than 10 bucks, but since I was probably never going to see the likes of them again this side of never, I bought them. And they are perfect.

Now, how about bringing back the Mars bar?

We be burnin'

On Saturday, I was driving around with my brother and listening to his Sean Paul cd.

Me: I gotta say, I'm kind of surprised but this is a really good album.
Him: Yeah. It's good... if you like getting yelled at by Jamaican people.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I Wish Existed

1. Mars Bars- The Snickers almond is close... but not quite the same.
2. Baja Picante Doritos- Simpley the best flavor EVER. It went away somewhere around 2002... and life has never been the same.
3. Destiny's Child- Although every 15 minutes they get back together for their "Final Tour Ever".
4. Arthur Treacher's- OK, I know they exist in other places, but not near me. I have very fond memories of eating their corn dogs as a wee child.
5. iPod Mini- Again, yes, I realize you can get one from eBay or similar, but Apple did stop making them and released the Nano.
6. 8 Hole Doc Marten Boots in Bottle Green- My very first pair of Docs, purchased when I was 15. They were discontinued soon after. WHY? WHY? And why have they made their shoes progressively uglier over time?
7. My old Commodore 64- I really miss all the crap, yet awesome, games I used to play: Temple of Apshai, M.U.L.E., Robot Rascals, and the worst horse show game EVER. *Sigh*
8. Stright Leg Jeans- If anyone can find them PLEASE let me know. Not tapered, just straight. My last pair was purchased at Old Navy in 2001. I still have them, but am unable to find any jeans that are not "Boot Cut" or *shudder* "Flare" (which make my ginormous thighs look even bigger than they already are). I respect the Boot Cut, but need variety.
9. Dinosaurs- Duh.
10. Cinnamon Bagels without Raisins- I hate raisins. HATE THEM. I have been known to pick each one out of a bagel before eating it.
11. Mitch Hedberg and Wesley Willis- 2 of the funniest people EVER. Why did they have to die? Especially when people like this and this are still around being decidedly not funny.
12. Laudanaum- Although technically still available by prescription, isn't that common anymore. Nor is it available in your local drug store and "cheaper than a bottle of gin". Sigh. Victorian women had all the fun.
13. Skeleton Pirates- See previous entry on Pirates of the Carribean

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How to effectively piss off the Schooligan in one hour or less...

TSV ( "Turquoise Sweater Vest" aka the most annoying, petty, ridiculous man on the PLANET) walks by my desk this morning and says, "What's up with the refrigerator door?" (note: the small fridge in our area is across from where I sit, by the printer) I say, "I give up? What's with it?" Him, "The door is really sticking. I'm not sure I'll be able to get my sandwich out." Me, *cold stare* followed by eye roll as he walks away.

Dude, what the fuck? Do I look like the fucking Maytag repair man? What exactly would you like me to do about this? Where in my job description does it say "refrigerator repair and maintenance"? I should mention to our boss that you CLEARLY do not have enough to do.

Slapstick weekend

I recently crossed over to the darkside and got cable. I got tired of begging and pleading with Verizon to make the internet work. Which didn't work consistently and cost a lot of money for something I could rarely use. I discovered that for LESS than I was paying for internet and phone, I could have internet and TV. So I signed up. I have to say that I haven't had TV since I graduated from college and I feel really decadent lazing about watching all manner of (entertaining) crap.

Sunday night, G and I cuddled up to watch the PBR. I have to say that even though I have moved back East and hung up my spurs I still really enjoy watching rodeo. Especially bull riding. (I dated a bull rider a million years ago. Let me just say that it got kind of old watching him get gored and stepped on every week.) Say what you want about rodeo being cruel to animals, (that would be FOOD if they weren't performing) I don't really think it is and having spent a good deal of time in back of the chutes can say that the majority of these animals (that make people a lot of money) get treated pretty well most of the time and annoyed for approximately 8 seconds per week. And let's face it, you can't really make a 2000 pound bull do something it doesn't want to do. (Where did that soapbox come from?)

As the short go began we heard a terrible crash, the sound of cat food flying everywhere and little kitty feet racing around the kitchen. Jumping up we discovered that Ninja had somehow climbed up into the cabinet in the pantry where I stored the cat food, opened up the flip top lid on the plastic container, spilled the cat food all over the place and had gotten the lid stuck around his head. Of course this freaked him out and he was frantically racing around with his head stuck, crashing into things and trying to dislodge himself. After we stopped laughing we managed to catch him and pry the lid off his head.

Body Massage

On Monday I dragged my brother and sister out for a hike. Somehow I thought 24 degrees was plenty warm for traipsing up the side of a mountain. The side of a mountain which, due to the warm again-cold again winter we've been having, was a mixture of snow and ice. Mostly ice. In addition to our faces freezing to the point that we were slurring like drunks every time we tried to speak, we each took several comic spills while trying to glissade our way down.

Filler

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Thursday 13

Thirteen SongsThe Schooligancan listen to on infinite repeat (The Bluegrass Edition): 1. 1952 Vincent Black Lightening- Del McCoury (I love this song so much. There is something so beautifully tragic about a motorcycle accident.) 2. Let An Old Racehorse Run- Del McCoury (Again, so beautiful and sad.) 3. Man of Constant Sorrow- Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys (Although any version of this song ROCKS. I keep pestering my boyfriend to cover it with his hardcore band. No luck yet...) 4. Every Time You Say Goodbye- Alison Krauss (I am a little bit in love with her. She is so amazing.) 5. Rusty Cage- Johnny Cash (I have to say I like Cash's cover better than the Soundgarden original, which is also a kick ass tune... But man, That Johnny Cash.) 6. I am Weary (Let me rest)- The Cox Family (This song has literally made me cry in my car. I don't know why but this type of music really hits a nerve...) 7. Same Ole River- Sam Bush. (Just really singable. And pretty) 8. Wreckin' Ball- The Frantic Flattops (Although not technically bluegrass, I feel like I can include Rockabilly on my list. Rockabilly shares all my sentiments about liquor, fast cars and loose women.) 9. Hot Rod Lincoln- Any (Love love love this song. "Breaks are good, tires fair") 10. Miner's Refrain- Gillian Welch (I love her. So sad, so beautiful and I really wish she'd get a better haircut) 11. All For You- Nina Nastasia (Yes, not technically bluegrass either, but so beautiful and sad, which apparently appeals to me quite a bit.) 12. Sympathique- Pink Martini (I have a thing for songs in French that I can only partially understand. Still these guys are amazing. Really. Amazing.) 13. Viva Las Vegas- Elvis (I have no idea why, but this song makes me deliriously happy. Over. And. Over. And. Over.)

Coming down from the sugar high

Although, in my defense I barely ate any chocolate. I did however drink several amazing cocktails invented by me! Let's just say, strawberry puree is a wonderful thing.

G-Unit and I had a perfectly lovely evening, what with the cocktails and the fantastic dinner he cooked. (Szechwan style beef and mushrooms over rice. Oh, and egg rolls.) We did not get Saw 2 yesterday as we had hoped, which was a wee disappointment, but the awesome home made (the only way to go) Valentine more than made up for it.

We reflected on Valentine's past:

"Remember last year when we got Chinese take-out and ate it at my very tiny apartment and I freaked out because I thought the walls were closing in on me, but it was only because I was wearing 4 inch heels?"

"Or the year before that when we lay on your sofa and drank Jim Beam straight out of the bottle while watching the Matrix Reloaded?"

"Yep. Good times"

Happy Valentine's Day...Time to DIE!!!

I like scary movies even though I usually get so scared I have to sleep with the light on and have the cats check to make sure there are no psycopaths in the closet. One of my favorites is Saw. Man, super creepy, even though Gargamel says that in a fight between me and a puppet on a tricycle, I would totally win.

Anyway, Saw 2 comes out on DVD TODAY! I have had it on my Netflix list for weeks, eagerly awaiting its arrival. Word on the street is that it will be arriving today! Is there anything more romantic? I don't think so.

The day has started off well. I ate 2 pieces of Perugina chocolate for breakfast and then had an acupuncture session. Right now, I feel like lazing about on a pile of sabayon. Mmm. I also got 4 "intradermal" needles. Yes, that means I have 4 teeny needles sticking in me RIGHT NOW, 2 in my stomach and 1 on each leg. Apparently they are going to provide constant stimulation to those points. Or something. At any rate, I think my qi is flowing better already.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Celebrities Who Should Go Away

1. Lindsay Lohan- We have stopped caring about your boobs, your eating disorder and your effed up family. Also, you can neither act nor sing. Peter Griffin said it best, "What do you want Lindsay? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
2. Paris Hilton- We get it. You are rich. You also like to have sex on camera. You are very stupid. Plesae stop talking.
3. Angelina Jolie- Yes, you are gorgeous. Yes, you are having a child with the most attractive man on earth. Stop making us feel ugly and go save the 3rd world.
4. Katie Holmes- You have convinced NOONE that you are either madly in love with Tom Cruise nor pregnant. Please go hunker down in the Scientology compound and stop torturing your family with your ridiculous antics.
5. Tom Cruise- You are insane. Along with your sanity, you appear to have lost your ability to act. War of the Worlds was terrible, and no amount of rewatching Risky Business, Top Gun or Jerry Maguire can erase that horrible performance from my mind.
6. Mary-Kate Olsen- So, you recovered from an eating disorder and then dropped out of college to "work on your career". Um... What career? If I remember correctly, New York Minute was a total disaster. Oh, wait. Do you mean your toothpaste line? Whatever. Oh, btw, you look like a homeless person.
7. Kevin Federline- I am loathe to even refer to you as a celebrity, but I guess you are by association. Please take your poorly dressed, slobby, white trash self and leave Britney and child alone. She used to be so cute and lively, but since she hooked up with you (For reasons that are clear to noone) she has turned into a dejected version of her former self. You have proven beyond any resonable doubt that you are a bad father, so let's give little Sean a fighting chance, ok? Go away.
8. The Rolling Stones- Your performance at the Super Bowl was abysmal. All of you, but especially Mr. Jagger. Clearly time has not been kind to you, so spare us any more of your pathetic, out of time, gyrating.
9. Jessica Simpson- You made such a big deal about saving your virginity for marriage, but then as soon as your marriage is over you are rumored to be humping the cast of Jackass. Also, that ad you did for Pizza Hut that aired during the Super Bowl? That was just tasteless. You are better than that.
10. Kelly Osbourne- Another one who is famous for practically no reason. Did you eat a live bat on stage? I didn't think so. Also, you can't sing or dress yourself. So, just quietly fade into obscurity, ok?
11. Nelly- God, your songs have always been dumb, I mean "Air Force Ones"?? Please. But you have totally outdone yourself with "Grillz". Dude, here's a secret: Bejeweled teeth do not look good. On you, or anyone else. Stop trying to create a trend for people to follow, I mean, you FINALLY got rid of the band-aid, why the backsliding?
12. Fergie and the Peas- Ok, your music has gotten progressively more ridiculous with every song. "My HUMPS?" What the hell? But for some reason I just Can't. Stop. Singing. Whatcha gonna do with all that junk... DAMMIT.
13. Dakota Fanning- You are not cute like Drew Barrymore in E.T., nor are you amazingly creepy like Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire. You are just annoying. And you can't act. (See above, re: War of the Worlds) Therefore I think that it is in everyone's best interest that you disappear and then resurface in like 5 years with a drug problem or something.

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It's o.k. to be okay.

For some reason I have started spelling out the word "okay", instead of just using the letters. Why? Why must I make an abbreviated phrase twice as long as it should be? There is some debate about the etymology of o.k., but I like the story (which my good friend Agent Sands related to me sometime last year while we drove his car to the Volvo mechanic) that it stands for "all correct", or "oll korrect". Apparently there was a fad in the 1830's involving "comical abbreviations" and humorists of the time liked to use "exaggerated misspellings". O-Kay!

Other recent incidences of "okay-ness" include getting my "new" car on Friday and then using it to truck a bunch of furniture back from Ikea with my friend Elaine. I am now the proud owner (well, not exactly as the bank owns it until I repay the loan)of a Subaru Forester. Elaine and I discovered, through the magic of the internet, that the Subaru logo, is based on the Pleiades star cluster in the constallation Taurus,

Intriguing, no?

We made this fabulous discovery whilst watching the Super Bowl. Elaine had put together an amazing spread with Nachos (I ate, like, my weight in nachos. Seriously.), veggies and hummus, cake and buffalo wings. I ate some wings and then had to physically restrain myself from licking the buffalo sauce off the rest of them, and instead stuff more nachos in my face.

Finally, I warn everyone who is considering watching "The Ring 2" to NOT BOTHER. G and I attempted to warch it last night, but as the storyline became more and more ridiculous we focused our attention on rearranging the stack of pillows we were lounging on to provide optimal comfort. And then fell asleep.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen of the Schooligan's Guilty Pleasures 1. Celebrity gossip magazines. (Personal fav: In Touch because it only costs $1.99) 2. Watching an entire season of Sex and the City in one sitting. 3. Looking through my college alumni magazine to see who got married or had a baby. 4. Eating Swedish Fish in my car. (I keep a bag in the glove compartment.) 5. Hitting snooze repeatedly. 6. Rereading favorite books. (Favs: Bridget Jones' Diary, Fried Green Tomatoes, and the Little House on the Prairie series) 7. Playing dumb horse related games on the computer. (Usually designed for 12 year old girls) 8. Napping on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 9. Eating ice cream for breakfast. Straight out of the carton. 10. General Foods International Coffees 11. Shoe Shopping. (Although not lately as have no money.) 12. Manhattans before dinner. (Or sometimes, Manhattans FOR dinner.) 13. Reading blogs of people I kind of know.

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Today I got reprimanded for not posting in like a week by Alissa whom, I do not hate, and in fact like quite a bit and one of these days I will work up the nerve to ask her out for a cocktail. Any woman who can appreciate the aethetics of a martini is a friend of mine.

The Cock has been insanely busy lately with all sorts of Cock related business. The good news is that I got my performance review this week and got excellent ratings from the powers that be. I also got a 7% raise! This translates into roughly $1 more per hour, but is still MORE MONEY, which I desperately need because I am on the verge of buying a car.

I don't want to get rid of my beloved Panzer, but with 145,000 miles and at least $1000 worth of stuff that needs to get done, it just doesn't make enough financial sense to keep pouring money into a car that isn't worth that much. I mean, worth it in terms of Trade In Value, or what have you, because the car is worth it's weight in gold for being such a great car. *sniff* We had so many good times, the Panzer and I, and I feel guilty getting rid of it. Yes, I realize that is ridiculous because the car obviously does not have feelings, etc., but still...

In other news, apparently I can still climb despite being a total sloth all winter. Went to the gym last weekend with Forrest and managed to climb several hard 5.10s and not look entirely like a flailing water buffalo. I also didn't feel as though my arms were going to fall off.

Have rekindled mild obsession with William Howard Taft. Recently saw wedding annoucement in the Sunday Times where William Howard Taft IV married someone with a ridiculous name. Taft was the fattest president with Grover Cleveland coming in at number 2.